To deduct the cost of replacement period pants from DD’s pocket money?

[Handsoffmypants]

Am I being a horrible mother?

My daughter is nearly 13, she has diagnosed ASD and being referred for ADHD, for full disclosure. However despite social communication difficulties, she is fairly ‘normal’ for her age in the sense that she can get a train into the city to go and meet her friends, go around the shops etc, in fact in that sense she’s more independent than my much older daughter.

She has an allowance of £50 per month which she buys all her clothes and make up from (except expensive things like trainers and coats etc).

Her room is a fucking pigsty and there’s always clothes all over the floor, including the clean piles of laundry which I put on her bed for her to put away. She never bothers, they get turfed onto the floor, then every once in a while she puts everything, clean or dirty, back into the laundry basket. Obviously I get pissed off with her about this. Last night was one of those times, laundry basket went from pretty much empty to overflowing with her clean/dirty clothes.

I’ve put on a wash of some of the stuff out of her room, and amongst it was 2 pairs of my period pants, which as anyone who buys them
knows, aren’t cheap.

Now this isn’t the first time she’s nicked my period pants, she has plenty of pairs of her own but because her room is such a jumble of clothes, it’s easier to take mine from my organised drawers than hunt through her clothes for hers. I have told her very clearly in the past that I am not in the slightest bit up for sharing period pants with her, it’s fucking rank and she needs to find her own ones and not take mine. Apart from anything else, I have a separate bin for period pants and put them on their own wash without fabric conditioner, as you’re supposed to, so as not to wreck them - but of course she just chucks hers (mine!) in the main basket and I don’t notice until I’m hanging washing out to dry.

There is a recurring theme btw of her not respecting mine or her sister’s possessions at all, taking what she fancies and then lying about it.

So tonight, after the discovery of two pairs of my period pants being used by her, after fuck knows how many times of telling her not to do that, I’ve reiterated again that she’s an absolute minger for thinking I want to share period pants with her, she can keep those pairs and I will replace mine out of her pocket money. AIBU?

Oh please, don’t be so ridiculous.

She is able to organise herself to do the things she wants to do. She’s asked her continually to put her clean washing away/don’t take other’s belongings without asking, even offered to help organise her room.

I think most teens have been shouted at!

Does she have a supply of pads in case she runs out of period pants? OP has said that she does, she just prefers the period pants.

As for ‘shaming her on the internet’ - I’m not sure if you’re aware but this is an anonymous forum 😵‍💫

I want to agree with you but I also have a 17 yr old who is incapable of cleaning putting / tidying / putting away also ADHD /ASD

To me it seems such a simple thing put your clothes (that I have washed dried and hung/folded and paired up) AWAY ... Her siblings also ASD manage perfectly well.

She has NEVER managed it and I am not sure they every will ..

Mine leave dirty clothes wherever she removes them, in whatever room various psych councillors/support staff have said it is just not important enough to her for her to care about clothes / room and I am simply wasting my time trying to force her to care about it ......

I still inwardly rage when I come across her dirty stinking clothes all over the house but have learnt there is absolutely no point in discussing it with her ....

She will also take whatever of mine she wants and feels perfectly entitled to it, anything precious I hide.

ASD or not - and I’ve never seen it used as much as an excuse for shitty behaviour so much as on here - taking your period pants is fucking grim and she knows they’re not hers.

If she does that in a uni flat share she will rapidly find herself ostracised regardless of any ND.

Your other posts suggests she’s generally quite capable/functional and independent.

Deduct the pocket money.

Ooooft was all ready to say unreasonable but by god that sounds like the most reasonable thing I've ever read

My room was horrible as a teenager too but I'm extremely clean and tidy now. I wish my mum had given me £50pm for clothes, that sounds amazing.

Try again🤣

Her DD didn’t ‘accidentally borrow’ her period pants. She took them after being asked not to!

I have a disabled child who’s 10 and I would not ever speak a bad word about her anonymously or publicly.
I felt sick reading your post and the way you speak of her. Have you no forgiveness? I’m honestly worried for your little girl.

@StarDolphins you clearly don't understand adhd and ASD.

Her daughter probably get Dla off the back of her autism diagnosis. So it’s rightfully her own money.

I get where you’re coming from but I still think YABU. I have three ASD/ADHD kids, I have ASD/ADHD myself and I’m a single parent. It’s exhausting to work with each of them the way they need, to adjust things multiple ways every time and to have to also deal with my own needs so I really feel for you being at the end of your rope with it all.

have you tried using open storage for her clothes? Each of my kids has an open hanging rail for clothes that need hanging and clear plastic drawers for underwear, pjs and folding clothes and it’s amazing how much better they are doing with putting things away. It’s something to do with ‘object permanence’ being able to see that things are still there even though they’ve been put away.

Your daughter needs help to get herself sorted out, and I know it’s really annoying that you need to replace things that she’s borrowed right now but personally I’d use some of her disability benefits, which I assume you get, to get things straightened out and then set clear expectations, including spending money being used to cover things taken, going forward once she has a clean room to start from.

You don’t get extra mum points for being a sanctimonious twat btw

This is a tough one. As a now grown-up former 'high fucntioning' teen with ASD and ADHD - the messy room is not going to be an easy fix. Certainly not without a confirmed ADHD diagnosis and appropriate meds (if suitable).

I also confess I used to nick some of my mums pants. Partly because they were easy to find (as opposed to my chaos room). But also because I preferred the bigger pants (I was a teeny teen - short and skinny. Mum was normal size 14) that were cotton and felt nicer to wear than the stuff aimed at teens. I really should have just said I wanted bigger fit M&S pants instead of nicking my mums... But at 13/14 that did not occur to me.

I think you need to have a clear boundary and consequence for breaching that (describe it as a consequence not a punishment. If she uses your pants, she needs to pay for you to replace yours). So YANBU for telling her that her allowance needs to be reduced to cover the cost (perhaps over a few months, rather than one big immediate hit).

As another poster has said, she is going for yours because she knows where they are and she needs them. Put yours out of easy access and have her set up a specific drawer/ place to keep hers. Also have back up products in the bathroom (that are easier access than trying to find and swipe your pants) - reusable pads are a good option. Encourage her to talk to you, without judgement, when she runs out of personal hygiene products.

It is tough. Do not be hard on yourself or her. This is one of those frustrating executive function and communication issues that 1) teens are terrible at to begin with 2) ND people are really bad at - at any stage of life (my poor DH is forever trying to get me to put my laundry away rather than rifling through the clean basket and creating chaos... And randomly just grabbing the discarded dirty and clean clothes and shoving them back in the laundry basket... And I'm close to 40).

The OP isn't shaming her for the room, the messy room is an explanation of why she can't find her own pants - not the reason for wanting to keep some of the pocket money.

Her daughter is sneaking in to her room and taking her stuff a) without asking and b) knowing full well what the answer would be anyway as the OP has told her several times that she's not down for sharing pants.

She's said numerous times that there are other options available product wise.

It's a consequence of taking something which isn't hers, not of having an untidy room.

You aren't limiting your shaming to the internet, though.

You've called her "fucking rank" to her face for a start.

No need to back pedal.

I think you should give guidance re tidying her room. Don't just yell tidy your room or else. Not saying you do that but you get the gist. I dont think charging her for period pants is the answer but things need to improve re her room and laundry.

you don’t get points for being a cold hearted bitch. I’m genuinely concerned for the child who’s mother obviously has no clue.

More like - your son couldn't be arsed looking through all his clothing so got your favourite t-shirt out, wore it without your permission or knowledge and stretched it out. You then find it when you're picking up clothing.

....in that instance you wouldn't be pissed off? You wouldn't make your own child take responsibility for his own laziness?

It's intereresting how at odds the comments are with the actual voting.

What’s the point in getting an Autism/adhd diagnosis if as a parent you’re just going to ignore it and expect them to be like their peers??

We don't even know that the OP said 'fucking rank' to her daughter, or just used it in the post.

When I'm talking to my friends about an issue with my child I might said to them 'so I'm like, kid, what the fuck??' when I'm actually fact I've said 'what on earth is going on here?'

I don't think anyone needs to worry for her daughters well being based purely on what's been written down here

You know, some kids are just messy and lazy. Quite a lot of them at this age. Not a single one of you knows this girl - but because OP has mentioned ASD, all of a sudden, you're all experts in how it presents? Because she has ASD, she's too fragile for a little plain speaking? Sure no one likes being told they're rank, so don't be fucking rank?!

Bottom line - she is taking clothing that isn't hers because she can't or won't put her own away so she can find it. I don't think it's precious to not want to share period pants, especially when the child has been repeatedly told no. And no, I don't think it's wrong for children to hear stuff that might make them reflect on their own poor behaviour.

@Handsoffmypants I don't think it's unreasonable to say you'll replace them out of her pocket money. But for your own sanity, I'd get two boxes, one for clean, one for dirty for her room. Just for the knickers. Getting her to deal with that singular thing (even if you have to take responsibility for cleaning them and chucking them in the 'clean' box) might help. Tell her the other stuff is her responsibility, but the knickers in particular is really unfair to you and her sister.

Maybe you can work up to a clothing amnesty where she can bring all the clothing that doesn't belong to her to be washed without worry of being told off, and then start from scratch with just her own stuff. But that might be for another day!

She has her own pants. She's being chastised for stealing ops pants because she can't be arsed putting her clothes away therefore can't find her own pants.

We did a training at my work on ADHD children, and they had a really helpful phrase: Follow the Dopamine. One thing they suggested for organisation was actually hiding a prize (or in your case, the pocket money) somewhere within the things that need organising. Also chunking a task. I.e. not saying put your clothes away but saying first your shirt then your pants then trousers etc. Children with ADHD can visualise a finished task but not always the steps to achieve it.

ADHD people absolutely need a hit of dopamine to help them complete a task. That is precisely why laundry is so daunting. It is an every day horrible grind you have to do forever 24/7 with no reward whatsoever. They find doing a non rewarding task as painful as a neurotypical person finds nails on a chalkboard with bagpipes playing.