To deduct the cost of replacement period pants from DD’s pocket money?

[Handsoffmypants]

Am I being a horrible mother?

My daughter is nearly 13, she has diagnosed ASD and being referred for ADHD, for full disclosure. However despite social communication difficulties, she is fairly ‘normal’ for her age in the sense that she can get a train into the city to go and meet her friends, go around the shops etc, in fact in that sense she’s more independent than my much older daughter.

She has an allowance of £50 per month which she buys all her clothes and make up from (except expensive things like trainers and coats etc).

Her room is a fucking pigsty and there’s always clothes all over the floor, including the clean piles of laundry which I put on her bed for her to put away. She never bothers, they get turfed onto the floor, then every once in a while she puts everything, clean or dirty, back into the laundry basket. Obviously I get pissed off with her about this. Last night was one of those times, laundry basket went from pretty much empty to overflowing with her clean/dirty clothes.

I’ve put on a wash of some of the stuff out of her room, and amongst it was 2 pairs of my period pants, which as anyone who buys them
knows, aren’t cheap.

Now this isn’t the first time she’s nicked my period pants, she has plenty of pairs of her own but because her room is such a jumble of clothes, it’s easier to take mine from my organised drawers than hunt through her clothes for hers. I have told her very clearly in the past that I am not in the slightest bit up for sharing period pants with her, it’s fucking rank and she needs to find her own ones and not take mine. Apart from anything else, I have a separate bin for period pants and put them on their own wash without fabric conditioner, as you’re supposed to, so as not to wreck them - but of course she just chucks hers (mine!) in the main basket and I don’t notice until I’m hanging washing out to dry.

There is a recurring theme btw of her not respecting mine or her sister’s possessions at all, taking what she fancies and then lying about it.

So tonight, after the discovery of two pairs of my period pants being used by her, after fuck knows how many times of telling her not to do that, I’ve reiterated again that she’s an absolute minger for thinking I want to share period pants with her, she can keep those pairs and I will replace mine out of her pocket money. AIBU?

Tricky. Not sure I would deduct the period pants, it’s give them a good wash they’ll be fine. I can see your thinking but you are angry right now.

what about changing the pocket money to weekly and only paid once the room is clean. Saturday’s are a good day for this with payment on Sunday or Monday.

Also probably time for her to learn how to use the washing machine herself.

Can you meet her halfway? She has a basket for dirty clothes which she has to use, but you support her by putting her clean clothes away for her. In time , with luck and a following wind you can gradually transfer the responsibility onto her . She is clearly getting overwhelmed by the whole clean/ dirty clothes situation and probably can’t see a way out.

It's fair.

It also sounds as though she has too many articles of clothing to manage. I'd pare her down to a very small capsule wardrobe, say four days worth of outfits, and put the rest in storage she cannot access.

It will force her to better distinguish between clean and dirty, and to keep better track of all items.

Honestly, I'm not sure period pants are the right solution for DD if she lives that chaotically. What's she doing with the used ones?

Absolutely reasonable, OP 👍

She's very young. Get her more pants. A lack of period products is awful. But make it clear, nobody shares ( yuk!)

Absolutely the right thing to do. She should pay to replace them

You're absolutely not unreasonable.
Get a lock for your bedroom and keep it locked at all times.

I suspect the reason she goes bananas when I offer to help is that in the process of organising I am bound to uncover more of my/her sister’s belongings and she knows that will piss me off. We’ve had this discussion sooooooo many times. It’s fine to borrow things, but put them back, and ideally ask permission first, if the owner of said belongings is home. Just taking them and not returning them, then denying all knowledge of having had them is not ok. Not that I want her to put a pair of dirty period pants back in my drawer, but if she was smart she’d put them in the period pants bin and I’d probably be none the wiser.

I have even considered getting a lock for the outside of mine and her sister’s doors, to keep her from going in and taking our stuff. But the cats spend most of their time in my room so that would be crap for them.

Paring down her clothes and shaming her and leaving her with next to nothing won't work and will destroy your relationship.

OP hasn't shamed her daughter for needing period pants. OP has provided period pants. DD found it easier to just use OP's. Choices have consequences.

so literally has all the time in the world to do this one simple job
again, with ADHD that makes things worse, not better.

Quite and of her own period pants aren’t available then towels/tampons are probably also available.

How many pairs does your dd have? My dd has loads. She is pretty organised and puts things in the correct place, just not neatly so lots of pairs is helpful.

I was more like your dd. Very very messy and I had a disorganised brain, easily distracted. I also had a floordrobe. I never would have taken my mother’s stuff without permission because she would have been horrible and shamed me. She was into escalating punishments and goaded me into an ever increasing number of weeks of no pocket money. It was horrible and I used defiance as a cover for my upset.

Please don’t shame your dd. 13 is an incredibly difficult age due to very raw, rudimentary emotions and brain development. My dd is now 15 and I am slowly finding it easier to communicate with her effectively.

As for tidying her room, maybe you could go through the drawers by yourself and find her knickers for next month. I’d give her the 2 pairs as well without punishment. It’s likely these will be used by your dd and some useful extras for her. She’s only 13. They last years.

You’ve also got to decide which battle to pick. Is it the taking the knickers or the tidiness? If she keeps her room tidy then she takes a pair of your knickers, not giving her pocket money that week will fuel resentment and be counter productive. Maybe give a small bonus / treat thing if you can afford to.

Tbh, that's not even a solution. She will have to learn to manahe on her own and you'll have to teach her. I feel your pain, it's all ahead of me etc, but she has to learn to manage. She'll be stuck with them for long enough etc.

It’s a logical consequence so is ideal for your ND daughter

If I were you I would

Tell her the money for new period pads is coming from next months pocket money

Set up an amnesty box, for anyone in the house to deposit items that might belong to someone else in before a certain date

After that date insist in helping her clear her room and reset it

She's probably refusing your help because you've made her feel judged in the past. She's not "just too fucking lazy". Do you actually know anything about adhd at all?

Many teens especially girls with an without ADHD have pigsty rooms. Teenage girls are minging. No kid gloves needed here, no wrapping cotton wool just a plain and simple consequence for taking things that don't belong to her, after all it is a very important life lesson.

OP, sorry if i missed it but did you ask if she'd prefer a disposable?

She has probably 15 pairs of her own (somewhere!).

She has constant access to sanitary towels but doesn’t use them so from that I conclude that she prefers period pants.

I have ADHD and as a 34 year old adult I still can’t put my clothes away and have a floor robe. It drives my husband mad but I just really struggle with it and any form of organisation.

Everything needs its place but if it doesn’t have one then it just goes into a pile. If your daughter is similar maybe use the time to label the drawers and start the organisation for her.

You don't seem to have much understanding of ADHD.