To deduct the cost of replacement period pants from DD’s pocket money?

[Handsoffmypants]

Am I being a horrible mother?

My daughter is nearly 13, she has diagnosed ASD and being referred for ADHD, for full disclosure. However despite social communication difficulties, she is fairly ‘normal’ for her age in the sense that she can get a train into the city to go and meet her friends, go around the shops etc, in fact in that sense she’s more independent than my much older daughter.

She has an allowance of £50 per month which she buys all her clothes and make up from (except expensive things like trainers and coats etc).

Her room is a fucking pigsty and there’s always clothes all over the floor, including the clean piles of laundry which I put on her bed for her to put away. She never bothers, they get turfed onto the floor, then every once in a while she puts everything, clean or dirty, back into the laundry basket. Obviously I get pissed off with her about this. Last night was one of those times, laundry basket went from pretty much empty to overflowing with her clean/dirty clothes.

I’ve put on a wash of some of the stuff out of her room, and amongst it was 2 pairs of my period pants, which as anyone who buys them
knows, aren’t cheap.

Now this isn’t the first time she’s nicked my period pants, she has plenty of pairs of her own but because her room is such a jumble of clothes, it’s easier to take mine from my organised drawers than hunt through her clothes for hers. I have told her very clearly in the past that I am not in the slightest bit up for sharing period pants with her, it’s fucking rank and she needs to find her own ones and not take mine. Apart from anything else, I have a separate bin for period pants and put them on their own wash without fabric conditioner, as you’re supposed to, so as not to wreck them - but of course she just chucks hers (mine!) in the main basket and I don’t notice until I’m hanging washing out to dry.

There is a recurring theme btw of her not respecting mine or her sister’s possessions at all, taking what she fancies and then lying about it.

So tonight, after the discovery of two pairs of my period pants being used by her, after fuck knows how many times of telling her not to do that, I’ve reiterated again that she’s an absolute minger for thinking I want to share period pants with her, she can keep those pairs and I will replace mine out of her pocket money. AIBU?

Awww I don’t think the language you are using to describe her or the way you are taking about her in general is very nice (or what I would expect of a nice mum!) im a bit shocked. I get that you are annoyed but your post is so anger filled!

I am in my fifties.

No amount of anyone taking away my clothes or yelling at me will make me able to have the executive function to be able to tidy up. At the moment last weeks clothes are on the drying rack in the utility room because I haven't put them away. Some of this weeks are in the washing machine and need washed again coz they've been there since yesterday.

If you shouted at me it wouldn't help.

I have ADHD and at 34 I still struggle to keep things tidy. As a child my room was a shit heap. I could not keep it tidy. Your DD putting all the clothes that are out whether clean or dirty is her doing her best to tidy them up. Can you keep charge of her period knickers? Keep them in the bathroom then they aren't in her messy room?

With holding my pocket money would not have made me tidy my room. It still wouldn't. It's not out of laziness, it's a skill I simply don't have, or at least I'm very very poor at it

I'd love to have a tidy room/house and it causes me a great deal of stress and anxiety that it's not, I try really hard but it's still a mess. (I'm much better at it than I was btw). Even someone offering to help it still seem insurmountable.

I don't know if you're being sarcastic but that's an awfully low bar. It's a child with autism, not in a wheelchair on oxygen.

Use her dla the issues is a direct result of her autism, that's what it's for extra costs relating to disability.

And for the nth time, she has constant access to sanitary protection, in different forms, so there is no excuse at all.

She isn't coping; it's down to you to help and support, not get mad and punish.

You have a disabled child, who is struggling to manage, she needs you on her side, frustrating as it can be, you have to be on top of it and help her. The more you moan at her the harder she will find it to do anything.

Yabu
not so much about the pants although if they’re washed I don’t see the problem personally. My autistic daughter and I often share clean reusable pads.

you’re unreasonable in calling her ‘normal’ in most respects. You’re unreasonable for not understanding the problems of autistic executive function, possibly exacerbated by adhd and calling her all the slobs under the sun. She needs systems put in place and walked through them every time until they become habit. She possibly needs fewer clothes so she can’t fill a room with clothes both clean and dirty.

and autism aside she’s a teenager who will have no consideration for anyone else for a good few years yet.

If she couldn't walk would you just shout and rant at her until she could?

But do you steal things?

as that’s what the consequence is for

stealing

YANBU
She really does need to start earning her pocket money and if the only job you're asking her to do is arrange her clothes so that you aren't rewashing clean its not much to ask.

Based on the fact that your say your DD can get a train safely and find her way round the shopping centre quite easily she should have a basic idea of finding her way round her own bedroom and organising her clothes.

You're post in parts does sound a bit harsh but if you have said and suggested that you're willing to help he organise her room and she's pushing against any solutions I'm going with you're at the 'straw that broke the camels back stage', and most have been there.

I’ve voted YABU for giving a 12 yr old £50 a month and expecting her to respect things. Easy come, easy go.

I’m an adult with adhd and I really, really struggle with organisation and tidying still. I have dealt with it by focusing on my career so I can afford to outsource. That obviously isn’t an option for your daughter but my point is that I am a fully functioning adult with a very successful career and social life and I would still struggle. So a young person with a double diagnosis is going to be doing it really tough.

That doesn’t l mean she gets to be lazy or disrespectful. But she needs some tools to manage her neurodivergence , then you can see if there is anything left. What works for me is whiteboards everywhere with clear instructions eg put pants in middle drawer. Find all pens and put in desk etc. The pomodoro method could also help. She then has to take responsibility for doing these things.

You say she is fairly ‘normal’ I’d also say that people tend to measure neurodivergence in how much it affects them, or what they can see, not how much it’s impacting the ND person internally.

There is a lot in your post about what your daughter is/isn’t doing. What are you, as her mother, doing to support her? I mean that kindly, I have a ND child and it can be very hard.

Goodness me, she’s asking her to not take what doesn’t belong to her & put some clothes away. She’s organised enough to get the train, meet her friends, get to the train station, buy tickets, etc.

She’s not 3.

The context of is key, though.

If the OP was complaining that her 1 year old keeps soiling their nappy you wouldn't say "I understand. If you came on here saying you regularly crap your pants there would be some very different replies regardless of how you excused it". Or would you?

Well having rested two daughters who took my stuff on the regular, I wouldn't call it stealing.

She hasn't intention to permanently deprive so it's not stealing.

*reared

Tbh it’s not even her room being a state that winds me up, if she’s happy to live like that then ok, it’s irritating I have to rewash clean clothes but tbh I spend so much time doing laundry anyway that it doesn’t make the world of difference.

But I don’t think it’s being unreasonable to expect her not to take my period pants because she’d prefer that to finding her own, or using disposable towels, then leaving them on her floor for however long.

Same goes for socks, she is constantly taking mine out of my drawers, because she has no idea which drawer she’s put her own in or whether they’re on the floor. That’s annoying, but not quite as foul as using my period pants. I don’t even usually bother mentioning the socks, I know I have to pick my battles with her and keep my expectations low, but the pants thing is where I firmly draw the line.

I agree OP-you have offered to help organise her room, she has her own period pants bought for her and as others have said, you’re preparing her for the real world where taking other peoples stuff is never acceptable. She wouldn’t get away with taking her friends stuff at school, so she shouldn’t get away with it at home. Its not the first time so you have given her plenty of chances to learn what is acceptable.

Also. If she's normal that means she's masking and that takes a toll on my executive function. I've had a week of having to mask and today I've been in the bath for the last hour and a half titting about on here despite my kitchen looking like a bomb site and my washing bedding sorted.

I have ASD and ADHD. I hold down a £50k+ a year job. Can I fuck organise my clothes or paperwork though. She's not "fucking lazy". You are her parent, you need to give her some help here.

Does she have a supply of pads in case she runs out of period pants?

Sorry, will come up with another: one of my sons accidentally wore one of my t-shirts today (I thought it looked a bit feminine then spotted the label sticking out 🤣). If he didn’t take it off after I pointed it out and then spilled something disgusting on it (eg he’s out fishing now so let’s say slimy live lugworms), would I call him “fucking rank” and make him pay for it? Hell, no!

Yep definitely consequence for taking rhe pants lile paying with pocket money.
I have three ND kids. We are all terrible for putting clothes away. I find it helps sorting out everything down stairs into piles - so tops, bottoms, underwear etc with dc and putting things on hangers. Then they take up each pile and put it away then come and get the next pile. Each night I get them to do a floor sweep before bed. Clean into clean basket in their room and dirty into basket in the hall. We have set routines as only way I get anything done

I only ever had socks once the girls moved out. And when they come home for the holidays all of a sudden I have no socks again.

@StarDolphins these activities put very different demands on executive functions. To say someone with ASD and ADHD should be able to do one because they can do the other is just silly.

I'm so glad my partner doesn't shame me on the internet for the state of my bedroom.