MIL 'speaking out' on H's behalf regarding DD's studies

[shecanshewillmil]

DD is 4 and starting school in September

I do basic learning with her but in addition to this, she is learning to play piano, she swims twice a week and does gymnastics. I enjoy talking to my daughter, and naturally we have conversations about interesting, education topics, worded appropriately for her age groups

Disciple is important from an earlier age. It simply makes your life easier. In the end. I do not hit my children, I mean self discipline. DD has to put her washing in her basket and knows how to separate white washes, strictly. She is good at this. Puts her shoes away properly. Knows not to take more stuff out without putting the other stuff out

Puts her bed together in the morning (with my help, I want it done properly).

MIL pulled me aside at the weekend to say H was worried about my attitude towards learning. She said he is concerned DD is doing too much. I said did H really say this? She said well, no, but I know he feels that way. H says to ignore her

I said no, she's happy and balanced. There isn't even a mention of her disliking anything yet. She enjoys her activities

DD had a disabled brother and knows she is fortunate not to have these barriers, and should appreciate life to the full

AIBU to say it is not her place? She lacks personal discipline and it shows. Sadly, we must all do it to succeed

Perhaps this is a cultural thing. H is white British. I am not so. But I have to say, I am from a working class background and by no means 'middle class'. But opportunities and exposure through fun is important to me, parenting wise! It builds children up for success and happiness. These things set the foundations for a happy, comfortable life.

I'm 63 and I've never separated washing, I just bung it all in, works for me! I never did chores or jobs growing up, whatever you call them, and I have been able to look after a home, keep it clean and tidy for many years (with some help from DH and DD but not disabled DS). Your "method" is not typical in this country and your DD may be thought of as weird by her peers, or fit in with them and not live up to your standards.
DD had a friend in primary who wasn't allowed to do just swimming, not just swimming lessons but full on squad swimming every day after school. One day he was complaining about it and I said to him "but you must enjoy it a bit" and he said "no, I hate it" but he didn't feel able to stand up to his parents. He used to come round to ours for a break, poor sod

It's two separate issues.

Your mil has no right to pretend to be your husband's mouthpiece. She doesn't get a part in the discussion unless your dd is being neglected or abused. Yanbu to tell her you are parenting your own way and can communicate with your own husband.

Do you need to see if your DH is concerned? Well, I would. You sound very definite in your ideas so you might need to really put those to one side and listen to him.

I have lots of experience with children who are being raised like yours. Provided you're not overtiring her, depriving her of boring rest time (good for imaginative growth), explorative play (builds critical thinking skills) or social time (self esteem and well being), and provided you really are focused on fun and not results, I think your child will be just fine. But it's more important that she's calm and has the space to have an inquiring mind than be disciplined at this stage. Discipline is partly the result of setting personal goals and having self belief. It's crucial that your DD has a sense of personal autonomy and agency to achieve that. Just parent responsively, not out of your own fears about what might happen.

I agree with the pp who has highlighted this:
DD had a disabled brother and knows she is fortunate not to have these barriers, and should appreciate life to the full
I have a disabled close relative and projecting this mentality onto your dd is toxic and very damaging. She has the right to live her life however she likes and no she doesn’t have to ‘appreciate’ the barriers she doesn’t have. I’m not sure how to articulate what I feel over this statement but it’s so so wrong. It’s entirely your own projection. I expect your DD feels a lot of pressure and you clearly feel she is more ‘capable’ than her sibling.. I hope you can tone down this sentiment because it will damage both your kids. The disability is irrelevant- for both of them actually. You just need to appreciate and love each child for who they are. Highlighting his disability won’t help either of them and actually this is a really common thing I see in people who have little understanding of how to live with or in close proximity to disability. You just forget the disability and see the person. No need to compare and contrast. Just different individuals.

Op?

Hi, OP —

I haven’t RTFT but I have read your posts. I think you’ve had a rough ride here.

Once upon a time I had a brilliant four year old helper, who was also a promising piano pupil at his own request. He’s always been a wonderful person and he’s been a very successful one with the exception of a couple of years during late adolescence, but I must tell you that he left that sense of satisfaction in loading the dishwasher behind around age 10.

I was not surprised to learn that you are Asian. I think a lot of your problem here has been people reacting to superficial cultural differences, many of them showing the benefits of an Asian outlook when not taken to extremes. I think your values sound great.

It seemed to me that your question was about your MIL. YES! It was wrong of her to interfere. Although my one gentle warning would echo what others are saying: it is so very easy to make children feel guilty! In your position you might induce guilt in your DD regarding her brother, without ever realising it.

I think you're right to help her make her bed and put laundry in a basket. It"s not exactly shoving her up a chimney. You only have to read the thread about the 13 year old pinching her mum's period pants because she does nothing in the home.
There has to be a balance. But I think you are wrong teaching her that she's lucky not to be disabled.

If your dd enjoys it then fine. I think it’s important for children to do sports or hobbies. It gives them different sets of friends ,allows them to learn how to win and lose, be part of a team and some discipline. My dd does hockey and athletics. We are not rich! These are cheap hobbies we pay £5 a month subs for athletics and £8 hockey. All kids are different my 5 yr old has tried out hockey, karate, gymnastics but he is very hyper and doesn’t have the concentration level so will stick to his swim lessons and try something else when he’s older. Also making bed doing chores is not a bad thing. I didn’t start them that young but my dd is now 11 she does the dishwasher/ washing up, makes her bed , tidys her room and brings in the washing for pocket money. I wouldn’t expect my 5 yr old son to do this, I’m lucky if he clears his toys up! All kids are different but if she’s happy then good job.

I once read that making your bed means you’re more likely to get bed bugs as the sheets don’t have a chance to breathe

Your MIL needs to keep quiet and mind her own business. If your husband does feel this way then he needs to say so himself. However you really need to unclench when it comes to your daughter. She is 4 years old! Let her be a 4 year old. You don’t seem to allow her to do anything unless there’s some underlying benefit for you or her future. Just let her play sometimes,let her watch kids tv,etc. She needs to have some time when she can just be free

@AllIwantforChristmas22 it worked for Mozart learning the piano from age 4! I also started an instrument at this age, along with a sport and ballet. I think perhaps white mumsnetters are getting up in arms with what is very standard way of raising first generation children for immigrant parents. I was raised the same way, I'll raise my child the same way, just slightly softer.

As a kid who was in my country's national youth orchestra, starting at age four is very standard, everyone else at my level started young.

I think your parenting and approach sounds great. I wish I had been raised in a more disciplined household (as in structured, not in terms of punishment), as its something I struggle with even as an adult and I find it hard to model with my kids. There's nothing wrong with getting young children involved with simple chores from early on and teaching them about personal responsibility and pride in themselves. Good on you!

Also your mil is in the wrong. So passive aggressive. Even if your husband did complain to her (which it sounds like he didn't) her place would be to stay out of it and tell him to tell you if he had an issue.

I bet once your daughter starts excelling she'll be the first to brag to everyone, while in the same breath demonising you as a stage mother.

You sound extremely uptight.
I think this is way too intense for a 4 year old.

I actually feel a bit sorry for her. I can't imagine the pressure you will put her under as she grows.

It's not the way I have raised my kids, and I admit I don't make my own bed every day, but if she's happy doing all her activities and helping mum and dad keep a tidy house, then crack on. Some kids actually LIKE being tidy, as insane as that sounds to me personally!

You sound ott and suffocating. Your child is 4, she doesn't need to be doing all this, she'll be doing washing etc for the rest of her life, there's no need to have her doing it now. You sort the washing and let her watch some bluey.

As for the comment about your mil "she lacks personal discipline and it shows. Sadly, we must all do it to succeed" you sound rude and a bit of a nutcase to be honest. You are talking about succeeding, your kid is 4!!! What will you do if it turns out your child isn't academic or doesn't have any interest in being a lawyer or whatever you are training her up to be? I feel sorry for her, poor thing. Let your child be a child and ffs stop with the being grateful you aren't disabled like your brother narrative, that isn't fair.

It’s none of mil’s business. She spoke to you ‘on behalf of dh’? Your dh needs to speak to his mother on your behalf and tell her she needs to keep her mouth shut.

Enjoy introducing activities to your daughter. Every parent looks forward to giving their children lessons and activities they can enjoy and acquire discipline at the same time, which piano and gymnastics provide. Swimming is important for water safety. Every child has potential and talents no one knows the limits of (mil doesn’t either, the fact she wants to put limits is disturbing) and it’s important to encourage and nurture each little person. You’re an excellent mom. Carry on and make sure mil knows without a doubt to mind her own business.

I am inclined to agree with you. It is important to teach your children self-discipline but I also recognise it is important to be balanced. A lot mental health issues are liked to perfectionist and high standard parenting. And whilst your daughter will have the privilege of not being disabled, she will have the disadvantage of having a disabled sibling. Disability impact the whole family, not just the disabled sibling.

Is this like the myth 'headlice prefer clean hair'

Can't see anything wrong with expecting a four year old to do some chores with support and encouragement- my son is the same age and is expected to do similar things to your DD. He enjoys it and I think it's a good idea to get into these habits early. I just explain it to him as the whole family is a team and we all have to do our bit to keep the house nice and make sure everyone has everything they need, like clean clothes etc. It doesn't take long, he spends most of his time playing still (and enjoys helping and being able to do things himself.)

Tbf a simple Google tells you you shouldn't make your bed to allow moisture to evaporate and reduce dust mites

Oh the MN pedantic pickers have arrived en masse...

A few minutes of picking up pants and putting them in the laundry basket can't hurt a 4 year old, surely? So what about the bed making, she can neatly fold down the covers to air the bed as easily as pull them up to the pillow nice and straight - its the concept of tidying up now so its nice for later that matters surely?

OP you sound fine - I am wary of the disabled brother, 'be grateful you're more fortunate' thing, because I am disabled and there are ways that can be conveyed that are not constructive or nice, long term.

But if its 'be mindful that not everyone has your abilities or privileges' in a general way... then thats a world away from a constant nagging 'you can do more so you should, always, never relax, never fail because you haven't any excuses'... That can be a huge issue and really breed resentment.

lots of people find they have more get up and go by just simply doing the act of making their bed

With every respect, that's nonsense.

With every respect, not it isn't

It makes no difference to my get up and go that I don't make my bed.

I'm glad it works for you op but you can't speak for everyone

Sorry but it really is. I think your expectations of her are a lot for a four year old.