MIL 'speaking out' on H's behalf regarding DD's studies

[shecanshewillmil]

DD is 4 and starting school in September

I do basic learning with her but in addition to this, she is learning to play piano, she swims twice a week and does gymnastics. I enjoy talking to my daughter, and naturally we have conversations about interesting, education topics, worded appropriately for her age groups

Disciple is important from an earlier age. It simply makes your life easier. In the end. I do not hit my children, I mean self discipline. DD has to put her washing in her basket and knows how to separate white washes, strictly. She is good at this. Puts her shoes away properly. Knows not to take more stuff out without putting the other stuff out

Puts her bed together in the morning (with my help, I want it done properly).

MIL pulled me aside at the weekend to say H was worried about my attitude towards learning. She said he is concerned DD is doing too much. I said did H really say this? She said well, no, but I know he feels that way. H says to ignore her

I said no, she's happy and balanced. There isn't even a mention of her disliking anything yet. She enjoys her activities

DD had a disabled brother and knows she is fortunate not to have these barriers, and should appreciate life to the full

AIBU to say it is not her place? She lacks personal discipline and it shows. Sadly, we must all do it to succeed

Perhaps this is a cultural thing. H is white British. I am not so. But I have to say, I am from a working class background and by no means 'middle class'. But opportunities and exposure through fun is important to me, parenting wise! It builds children up for success and happiness. These things set the foundations for a happy, comfortable life.

@shecanshewillmil You would do exactly the same if you had a son, right? As would parents with the same culture as you?Just curious when it comes to different cultures.

I think maybe this thread shows why mothers are so tired, and underperforming career wise, in the UK?

because they don't leave their 4 year old in charge of the housework you mean? 🙄

My main concern, if I was your MIL, is that you are teaching her to be a very well accomplished domestic helper. Why do you think that’s appropriate for a little poppet of 4 years old? No one needs to learn domestic chores at that age. It’s not exactly brain surgery - you don’t need a heads up for two decades on dishwashers and bed changing!

You and DH should be running the house and that should be her domestic model. Women are considered equal in the UK.

The other aspect to this is your perspective on your MIL. You need to value her care and concern over the perceived judgement.

But you are not four.

My lot would fight to do household tasks which I loathed at this age because everything is new and can be made a game.

Tragically they were a lot less enthusiastic as teenagers when it was no longer a game but but all knew by then what to do and that everyone mucks in to help in a family.

I really don't see what is intrinsically virtuous about a child sorting blocks and lining up toys whilst sorting out laundry and lining up plates is terrible. Its all about how you share a task and make it fun.

On the flipside I also have East Asian friends who have lifelong hobbies and skills they started at a young age and did/still do to a high level.

Some switched around till they found what they liked and were good at, but there was perseverance involved too.

It's come up in discussion before and they learnt both hard skills and soft skills. Psychologists say that you should diversify sources of self esteem, which is why it's lovely to have a sport or skill.

I wish I had something special like that, but the Brits in the discussion agreed that it's usually reserved for rich children here.

Yup when Dd was 2 she delighted in putting things in the washing machine, she used to get really excited about helping me unload the dishwasher. Sadly those days are gone. My nephew was a very keen duster and used to walk around the house with a cloth looking for things to dust.

I think you sound like a fantastic Mother. As soon as my children could toddle about I taught them how to start making their beds, just pulling the duvet across was a start. We made a game of it and they thought it was fun. Neither of them had messy bedrooms when they were teens, and they’re both capable of running a home now. Tell your MIL to my her business. Your daughter sounds happy and that’s all that matters.

In charge of the housework? She does a couple of basic tasks WITH HER MUM.

These comments are really grabbing.

I wish I had something special like that, but the Brits in the discussion agreed that it's usually reserved for rich children here.

Yes I see this a lot. It seems like basic activities such as dancing or swimming is out of reach for a lot of normal working class families. With more middle class (income wise, not culturally/traditionally) not doing any activities or just free ones

It has always been a priority of mine to find something my daughter enjoys. And when she becomes very good at it, she will have to choose that and something small like swim alongside due to finances

It's brilliant for self esteem and confidence to be good at a sport or hobby. It installs great benefits within education without even touching on tutors etc

DD had a disabled brother and knows she is fortunate not to have these barriers, and should appreciate life to the full

This is too much to put on a 4 year old. Siblings of a disabled brother/sister often feel a level of guilt anyway. Your DD is 4, barely more than a baby. Please lighten up a little on her.

Your MIL shouldn't be raising H's issues with you. I think you need to establish is H is saying stuff to him mum about your parenting. If he is then you have a H problem.

I personally don't think your doing anything wrong. My kids 3 and 4 they make their beds (badly). They put their washing in the basket. They dress themselves and brushed their own teeth (while I supervise and go over thier teeth after). My 3 year old helps pair socks, she loves to vacuum and dust. She also likes to help me do whatever jobs I'm doing. This is play to her. It's not me being lazy and making the child work. It's harder work and takes longer to do anything with her.

My kids also play out everyday. They do a craft activity everyday. They play phonics computer games everyday. They have free play everyday. They have story time everyday and they also have more screen time than I'd like.

This is like an episode of Fresh Off The Boat 😂
https://www.charactour.com/hub/characters/view/Jessica-Huang.Fresh-Off-The-Boat

@alongside @Screamingabdabz I think your racist replies are irrelevant. I've lived in other countries and have seen boys and girls equally encouraged to learn independence from a much younger age than in the UK (in Nordic and East Asian cultures).

In fact preschool children (whether boys or girls) have little chores which they love, and in primary and secondary have things like a chore rota and communal cleaning – not in the name of domesticity but this idea that everyone in a place should contribute to keeping it clean for the enjoyment of everyone else.

I speak with some experience of this - I've been a psychotherapist who worked a lot with young people. It is very common for children whose parents have this level of expectation to excel and excel and excel - until they eventually break, often in adolescence.

Do you think there might be some selection bias there? Many successful people are happy.

My father had a severely disabled sister. This was back in the 1940/1950s when such children were often put in a home and forgotten. My Granny didn't do this. My aunt lived at home and my dad absolutely lost his childhood in being 'the man of the house' taking on adult responsibilities and caring for the home and his sister. He never, ever complained about it, just accepted that that was how his world was but he ended up super disciplined to the point where he had entirely unrealistic expectations of himself and of other people.

That's very sad and nothing like making a bed before fun activities.

You can't raise your child in one culture imposing the customs and values of your childhood on her whilst ignoring the customs and values of her paternal family and the country she is growing up in.

This child's life resembles the western lifestyle more than the Korean lifestyle. It's a balance.

But the op does tell her daughter that she should be grateful she can speak.

Your daughter is happy, that's the main. She's getting into good habits, making her bed probably feels fun at the moment. She goes to activities that she enjoys and yes she's only 4 but I'm sure that you've taught her age appropriately about her brother's disability, my older daughter is quite similar to yours (but mine is 8 now) literally would do every activity under the sun if she could and she also recognised without prompting from young that there are things she can do with ease that her sister can't. I don't push my daughter, she is very self motivated and her own worst critic, I make it quite clear that when activities are no longer fun and enjoyable they aren't mandatory.

I'd respectfully advise your MIL that it's her grandson that's non verbal not her son and he's more than capable of expressing himself without her acting as his mouth piece.

In the gentlest way, I can see why your DH feels he can’t speak to you about these issues and instead speaks to his mum about his concerns.

You seem like you think that your way is right and nothing anyone says is going to change that.

Its hard for anyone to accept that they may be wrong but when your DH, MIL and loads of anonymous parents are telling you to back off a bit, then I think you should listen.

I do think the PP hit the nail on the head when they said you’re overcompensating because your other child is disabled.

I don’t think you’re trying to be intentionally controlling but you’ve got the mixture of being raised in a disciplined household and you’re subconsciously trying to make your DD as self sufficient as possible, knowing that your other child won’t be as dependent.

Children will naturally want to help their parents with chores and shopping etc so you don’t need to build this into her.
Right now she should be watching you do it and if she wants to join in then you let her.

These lessons that are so important and that you’re trying to teach her will come when the time is right.
You’ve got the right idea you’re just being way too regimented with it at such a young age.

I had a (funny) debate about this with my SIL. She sent me a video of an Australian man pretending to be an Asian mum, scolding her DC and saying she knew rock formations or something at age 6 it was funny and even more funny to me since those people do exist where I'm from, and it wouldn't be an exaggeration

I will have to find the clip if I can. She is working all of tonight so can't ask now

If the OP has a happy little girl who enjoys chatting with her, and her husband agrees, it all sounds fine. I don't think making your bed or sorting your clothes is a bad thing to learn ... and if she enjoys piano and swimming, all to the good. As OP has said, her DD can stop her activities whenever she wants to.

I come from a family with money (not from England). I did not need swimming lessons, I spent days and days and evenings too by the lake with my mum and dad. I did not need dancing lessons. I spent more days than I can count making up dance shows with my friends. We had so much fun.

I'd respectfully advise your MIL that it's her grandson that's non verbal not her son and he's more than capable of expressing himself without her acting as his mouth piece

This is great. Thank you

Have you never heard of Mozart?

I think this is what's important to remember - she can stop if she wants (okay with slight pressure to continue swimming for a while as I want her competent swimmer for safety reasons, holidays, life skills etc)

bloody hell, she’s 4! Lighten up for gods sake. She’s your H’s daughter too and he probably confided in his mum who spoke to you out of concern for the wee one

Not all kids can be competent swimmers and that's are ok.