am I out of order? Do I expect too much?

[mum22mu]

I am on maternity leave with my DD 6 months. I have anxiety in general and as my DH works long hours I am alone with her the majority of the time. I have taken steps to address this anxiety and I have therapy which helps. My parents are aware of it. I wouldn’t say it’s out of control, it’s more ruminating and intrusive thoughts and I was doing ok with it. The reason for the therapy was more to ensure I didn’t get worse rather than it being a massive problem.

However, when I see my parents I often panic with them around DD as they will walk off with her if we are in a supermarket for example or just generally out somewhere. I’ve asked them not to do this and they then agree and say they won’t, then other times they get quite nasty, saying they’re sick of being told what to do and I’m ridiculous etc etc. I get worried about DD being in their garden as they use chemicals on the lawn, I recently said I would rather we went for a walk than sat outside as I didn’t want to risk DD coming into contact with the lawn, to which my dad said to my mum ‘I should have lied and said nothing was on the lawn.’ Obviously this sort of thing really panics me as then I feel I can’t trust them and it becomes a vicious circle. I am an anxious person generally and I do my best to work on this but where DD is concerned I often can’t control it and have to ask them if they will do x or y or not do x or y (I don’t ever leave her with them alone so it’s only if we are meeting). If I don’t feel they are taking it seriously I will ask again as I feel panicked. AIBU to ask for a bit more understanding from them rather than then losing their cool? I’m honestly doing my best and I feel I would reassure someone in my position but maybe the reality is different?

Hi OP, I also have a 6 month baby and am a first time mum. You sounds unreasonable to me! Your requests and reactions sound over the top and I would find you difficult to be around.

At this age babies are putting things in their mouth and soon they will be crawling everywhere, you need to relax.

This post shows zero understanding of anxiety.

Whatever it shows, it is still the OP's responsibility to sort it, not her parents.

You can't just 'sort' anxiety. It's a mental health condition. How do you suggest she 'sorts' it? Books a few sessions of therapy and she's fixed?

You have to give your dc the tools in order to teach them how to cope or else they will always rely on you. The Ops parents didn't give that to their children.

Why are posters keep repeating 'You dont know what anxiety is' Most people do understand anxiety it is a natural human emotion, same as fear and nervousness.

Everyone has felt anxiety at some point but most people manage to get a grip and not inflict it on others around them though, its absolutely draining.

Is this a parody post?

And yes sometimes people do actually need to be told to get a grip.

You don't understand it either.

It's a mental health condition. Anxiety in the context of mental health is not the same as being a bit scared of escalators or worrying the bus won't turn up on time. It's far more debilitating, like depression.

If she takes a break from her parents she will probably notice a difference in how she feels. Her parents are making her worse.

Are your parents feeble minded? Making a scene because your mum was in another section of the supermarket with your child does seem over the top.

A first step would be to accept that is not normal. As a lot of people are saying it is. And not just give way to it, since it will affect her baby? The poll agrees with me, so we shall just have to disagree.

She asked if she was expecting too much. Yes, I think she is.

It's mainly aimed at her parents who are not listening or respecting her boundaries.

Christ. You don't get to just 'not give way to it.'

People minimising mental health conditions on this thread are the same as twats saying 'homeless? Just buy a house!' I'm out.

@ZeroFuchsGiven we are on the same page, I think, but others disagree. Oh well.

I didn't have my parents near when DC were babies, and I really think I would have liked their support, even if they have different ways of doing things.

My heart goes out to you OP. What you are experiencing is not normal and neither are the requests but you are not feeling like that for the fun of it. It gives you genuine anxiety and that is a horrible way yo live, always in hypervigilance.
It is also very hard for those around you. My sister is like this and I have to avoid her sometimes because I can't deal with the irrational demands and meltdowns. It is not her fault BUT by God is it hard to be around her and now her son is 6 and the exact same, afraid of his own shadow.

Pot meet kettle

I haven't said a word about the homeless. Equating your mum kissing your baby to being homeless is quite ridiculous

Because both you and @Lentilweaver are demonstrating that you don't, but refuse to accept that. Anxiety disorders aren't the same thing as just being a bit worried. Same as depression isn't just being a bit sad, or sepsis isn't just having a bit of a infection.

OP I am sorry that you are suffering.

At the moment it appears that you are using avoidance techniques/safety behaviours to control situations and your anxiety, when they are some of the worst things you can do.

How you are currently feeling needs to be addressed via your therapy/therapist.

I am well aware of anxiety disorders actually, though I don't want to go into how. But as pp said, they will eventually drive away everyone you love. And percolate to your children. Limited amount of patience in this world.

I agree @gemtart , I don’t think @FoodFann is being serious.

OP, I think you can see from the majority of the posters and the votes that your anxiety is clouding your judgment. You don’t have to spend time with your parents, but if you’re going to, this current level of control isn’t feasible. And I think if you were really honest, the interactions with your friends don’t sound that typical either, most people wouldn’t think twice about a solo loo break at this age, so that’s not evidence that you’re a lot more relaxed with them. I’m not intending to sound harsh, I do know that it’s hard, but I think accepting that you’re not coping is probably the first step. And two things can simultaneously be true- your parents can be imperfect to varying degrees (we all are, after all) and you can be in the grip of anxiety. Realistically you can probably only solve one of those things…

OP's parents are spending time with her. Not demanding to have baby alone, but following ao imagine many of OP's rules. They have a limit and are getting a bit frustrated- possibly perfectly reasonably. They most likely love their daughter and granddaughter a lot and are trying their best to support in difficult circumstances. OP, if you believe them to be otherwise reasonable, trustworthy people, if it possible to work with them and slowly address these extreme anxieties?

Have you thought about the effect of your demands that your mother stays in sight while you queue? Just standing around while someone else queues is dreadfully boring. What if your child shows an interest in something just out of sight, or is getting restless and would be soothed by a short walk, or your mother wants to use the time usefully by looking for something she wants? If you are always going to insist that your child stays in sight and cannot do what they want even when it's perfectly safe,, you will end up with a very resentful child.

If the effect on mother is too debilitating then she should tell OP she can't stay in sight, then OP can queue with her baby.