am I out of order? Do I expect too much?

[mum22mu]

I am on maternity leave with my DD 6 months. I have anxiety in general and as my DH works long hours I am alone with her the majority of the time. I have taken steps to address this anxiety and I have therapy which helps. My parents are aware of it. I wouldn’t say it’s out of control, it’s more ruminating and intrusive thoughts and I was doing ok with it. The reason for the therapy was more to ensure I didn’t get worse rather than it being a massive problem.

However, when I see my parents I often panic with them around DD as they will walk off with her if we are in a supermarket for example or just generally out somewhere. I’ve asked them not to do this and they then agree and say they won’t, then other times they get quite nasty, saying they’re sick of being told what to do and I’m ridiculous etc etc. I get worried about DD being in their garden as they use chemicals on the lawn, I recently said I would rather we went for a walk than sat outside as I didn’t want to risk DD coming into contact with the lawn, to which my dad said to my mum ‘I should have lied and said nothing was on the lawn.’ Obviously this sort of thing really panics me as then I feel I can’t trust them and it becomes a vicious circle. I am an anxious person generally and I do my best to work on this but where DD is concerned I often can’t control it and have to ask them if they will do x or y or not do x or y (I don’t ever leave her with them alone so it’s only if we are meeting). If I don’t feel they are taking it seriously I will ask again as I feel panicked. AIBU to ask for a bit more understanding from them rather than then losing their cool? I’m honestly doing my best and I feel I would reassure someone in my position but maybe the reality is different?

Of course you watch them when you're there

But I left mine in the care of family or my husband or close friends from time to time without worrying that they'd come to harm

6 month olds need to have constant awake supervision yes - that doesn’t have to be the mother.

panicking because the pushchair your dd was safely strapped into was moved out of sight is different.

You don't have anxiety, they are gaslighting you. Your mistake is snapping and THEN apologising. I actually think your parents are massively unreasonable and uncaring. I would step back from them. You're the mother now, not their fucking child. Don't let them manipulate to give in to them when you made perfectly reasonable requests.

But it's unrealistic to expect your mum to stay within your sight the entire time just because she's holding your daughter.

If you keep insisting on these boundaries you will push your parents away forever.

You don't have anxiety, t

Have you read the OP's posts? She very much does have anxiety. She's acknowledged that herself.

My elder sister was a very chill mum (there are pics of her 9mo baby on sitting top of some precarious places!)

My other sister was a very anxious and protective mum.

Guess whose baby had the most accidents? Yep, sis 2. I think we were all so anxious to fall in line with sis 2 that it somehow backfired on us.

However, we loved all the niblings equally and always did what the mums told us to, because everyone has the right to parent their kids the way they want. Especialy when it's a 6mo baby.

Have you posted about this before but changed the details slightly?

There was a thread just recently where the OP was upset that their FIL had let their child pour 'chemicals' on to the garden with a watering can.

How hard is it to stand for 5 minutes or put dd in her pushchair? How is that unrealistic? She wasn't asked to stand on hot coals, you know.

Of course you aren't! I'm sure we ALL 'watched' our babies carefully at that age.

But the majority of us were comfortable with 'trusted persons' (certain relatives, close friends) taking our child out of sight. We didn't panic or have anxiety attacks if they left our view because we knew our child was safe with them and they'd soon be back.

If I was with my 'trusted persons' I wouldn't have panicked if I turned around and they and DC were gone, I would have figured they were looking elsewhere. But I would have known that DC was perfectly safe because those people were just as capable of caring for him as I was. Particular my mum, she was amazing, a real 'baby whisperer'.

I'm sorry, I just don't feel (and this is my opinion) that an absolute inability to leave a child with a 'trusted person', much less to allow them out of your sight, is normal. And I'm not saying to willy nilly leave your child for days on end with randoms or someone you feel is not fully capable of caring for your child.

No, that was when MIL let DGD put her bare hands in plant food mix, even though the pack says to wear gloves and goggles when handling.

But some grandparents aren't trusted persons or baby whisperers.

It's really saying something when OP trusts her friends more than her parents.

Telling other people how to behave does not equal boundaries, its controlling behaviour.
Boundaries relate to how we respond to something, what we will or won't allow. Telling other people a list of rules for how they should behave around you is not "boundaries"

She's not telling anyone how to behave, she wants to keep her baby in sight. That's human instinct.

I never said it was hard. I said it was unrealistic.

And it is - you can't expect grandparents to stay in your sight the entire time they're holding their grandchild just because you have anxiety.

Letting your anxieties control your behaviour/actions to the extent you can't let your own mother hold her grand-daughter out of your sight for a few seconds is incredibly unhealthy.

That's because her friends aren't confident enough to stand up to her - her parents are.

Or maybe her friends recognise that she is a new mum with a small baby and needs to be allowed to parent in her own way.

You and others are really infantilising OP, just like her parents, no wonder she’s pushing back.

"You sound like a nightmare of a mother / grandmother. Have you sought any therapy yet? You should."

Hahaha! @ReliantRobyn I've had lots of therapy thanks. A nightmare of a mother? Really? Because I was doing my daughter the favour of looking after her 6 week old baby but I wouldn't put my entire day on hold to do it? By letting him nap for exactly 45 minutes. Then feed for 15 minutes. Then play Baby Bach music for 15 minutes and the read a book for 15 minutes. I wasn't allowed to go shopping as I would disturb the routine ( that didn't work anyway as he screamed constantly). Yeah, I'm a total and utter monster 😂🤷🏼‍♀️. Oddly, as soon as she UNCLENCHED his routine naturally fell into place. And me being such a renegade granny and torturing the poor kid with very practical freedom and flexibility by Getting On With My Day clearly didn't work as now I have a 2 yo rampaging around my house and a 10 month old on my knee and very soon she will be having another daughter that I will undoubtedly have to look after too.

Nightmare 😂😂😂

Lol @AccidentallySuckedTheStrippersDick . You are a saint.

On the contrary - she's the one infantilizing her parents by dishing out rules and orders and expecting them to obey them without question.

Of course OP is free to "parent in her own way" but ultimately that's going to come with consequences - you can't go round telling people way to do all the time and expect them to just fall in line because you have anxiety. It doesn't work like that.

This absolutely.

My Mum used to do this to me. Walking off in shopping centers the minute my back was turned for a second. Putting extra blankets on when my DC had a very high temperature (again when my back was turned) after I had specifically said GP said keep them cool. I could give many more examples, but they didn't listen to me or argued I was wrong. I couldn't trust them at all.

You are not wrong.
You are their mother and in charge of safeguarding your child. I'm not surprised you are anxious with this going on.
Your father's comment that he shouldn't have mentioned using lawn chemicals says it all. Having to listen to you asking him not to allow your child on a lawn spread with chemicals, when toddlers/crawling babies are likely to get it all over their hands and mouths, is more of a problem for him, than actually saying OK I will keep them off the lawn.
You'll probably get posters saying lawns are really safe, asking what chemicals were used and that you are overreacting. But if it makes you anxious and you know what he's been putting on the lawn - you are right to say you don't want them taking the risk. Its easy to comply with your wishes.

Do you have any other support, What does your DH think?

Your post is very insensitive and offensive, it hasn’t even occurred to you that many new mothers have no ‘trusted persons’ and have to find decent friends that can step in, but it takes time to grow that level of trust.

Honestly you have no idea clearly how motherhood feels for some women such is the level of your privilege.

And it will be a great day for op if it happens.

I was referring to the poster who seemed to indicate that many of us on this thread didn't watch our children appropriately per this: "I watched my babies at that age in case they hurt themselves. Was I the only one in this thread apart from the op???"

And I did specify that anyone we leave our children with needs to be a 'trusted person' per this: And I'm not saying to willy nilly leave your child for days on end with randoms or someone you feel is not fully capable of caring for your child.

What is unknown is whether or not the grandparents in OP's case are truly untrustworthy to care appropriately for OP's baby, or if OP's anxiety is making her, for lack of a better word, somewhat irrational in her beliefs that they are not trustworthy. I do think that not letting your child out of your sight when with a trustworthy friend or relative is not, again for lack of a better word, normal.

I think what has happened on this thread is absolute it dreadful. Piling on to op. She is totally allowed to be observant of her own baby in public places. She can parent how she like and is doing nothing unusual.

Her family are clearly the triggering factor.

I hope she distanced and stops responding to those on here just trying to take her mental health down further. I have seen this before and I don’t understand why it’s allowed to continue with vulnerable posters looking for support.