Page 11 | am I out of order? Do I expect too much?

mum22mu · 2023-07-04T16:37:15+00:00

I am on maternity leave with my DD 6 months. I have anxiety in general and as my DH works long hours I am alone with her the majority of the time. I have taken steps to address this anxiety and I have therapy which helps. My parents are aware of it. I wouldn’t say it’s out of control, it’s more ruminating and intrusive thoughts and I was doing ok with it. The reason for the therapy was more to ensure I didn’t get worse rather than it being a massive problem. However, when I see my parents I often panic with them around DD as they will walk off with her if we are in a supermarket for example or just generally out somewhere. I’ve asked them not to do this and they then agree and say they won’t, then other times they get quite nasty, saying they’re sick of being told what to do and I’m ridiculous etc etc. I get worried about DD being in their garden as they use chemicals on the lawn, I recently said I would rather we went for a walk than sat outside as I didn’t want to risk DD coming into contact with the lawn, to which my dad said to my mum ‘I should have lied and said nothing was on the lawn.’ Obviously this sort of thing really panics me as then I feel I can’t trust them and it becomes a vicious circle. I am an anxious person generally and I do my best to work on this but where DD is concerned I often can’t control it and have to ask them if they will do x or y or not do x or y (I don’t ever leave her with them alone so it’s only if we are meeting). If I don’t feel they are taking it seriously I will ask again as I feel panicked. AIBU to ask for a bit more understanding from them rather than then losing their cool? I’m honestly doing my best and I feel I would reassure someone in my position but maybe the reality is different?

Appleass · 05/07/2023 13:30

You're parents do not sound awful at all, they sound perfectly reasonable dealing with a difficult situation with their daughter, who's anxiety sounds out of control. I agree with them you are going to have an impact on you're childs mental health, if you are worrying about, grass, being kissed, I think most of those agreeing with you and speaking negatively about your parents probably have same mental health issues as yourself. I feel for you as your clearly have issues that need sorting before the escalate out of control.

Somethingneedstochange78 · 05/07/2023 13:31

At least they're not leaving your child unsupervised. Which is what my mum used to do when we were out. I have two with SEN and my son was an escape artist getting out his buggy. I once found him in a lift. So I had to keep him in my sight at all times. I'm not saying she was a bad person. She just wasn't on the ball which you need to be with SEN children.

changeyerheadworzel · 05/07/2023 13:32

FoodFann · 05/07/2023 11:56

Hi OP. I also have a 6 month DD and a husband away a lot, and I also have intrusive thoughts and anxiety that something bad will happen.

I completely understand what you’re going through.

However, you need to remember to detach the intrusive thoughts from the real risks.

It was a few months ago that I realised I am the only true advocate for my daughter, and even well meaning, close family members just cannot look after her to my standard. Nobody else is vigilant about things like weed killer, sun exposure, strange dogs, screen time, foul language, second-hand smoke, exhausts, aerosols, non-organic food etc etc etc the list goes on and on. As the mother, I am hyper-vigilant, and no one else comes close.

You're doing a great job, but yes, only YOU will love and care for your baby properly. Put simply: no one else is capable.

Well done, you sound like an absolutely fantastic mother!

This is actually so sad.

Lentilweaver · 05/07/2023 13:33

Somethingneedstochange78 · 05/07/2023 13:31

At least they're not leaving your child unsupervised. Which is what my mum used to do when we were out. I have two with SEN and my son was an escape artist getting out his buggy. I once found him in a lift. So I had to keep him in my sight at all times. I'm not saying she was a bad person. She just wasn't on the ball which you need to be with SEN children.

Well, see I wouldn't leave mine with them either.

Caramelatt · 05/07/2023 13:34

Natty13 · 04/07/2023 17:43

It's not hard to see how you've ended up an adult with anxiety with parents like those.

I was also an anxious FTM and when my parents complained I spent more quality time with my ILs than them (we stayed at my ILs house when visiting and in a hotel when in my parents' country for eg.) I simply pointed out very simply that it would be because my ILs were respectful of me as an anxious new mum and that peiple spend more time with one's who support them. I'm a very matter of fact type person so to me it was black and white. My parents did change a lot after this because their tactic of being fed up with it didn't work so I just very obviously stopped seeing them.

Things got sooooo much better and they regularly have my kids alone now because I know I can trust them. There are very very few things I am strict about with regards to my kids but my parents know if they ever crossed the line I'd cut them off from having them alone. DH and I are the parents and this was respected by both sides after we laid down the law in the early days.

Agree with this.

If they don't care about your anxiety, then tell them you won't be visiting them with Dd.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/07/2023 13:36

It's not hard to see how you've ended up an adult with anxiety with parents like those.

This.

Your parents need to start taking responsibility for having raised you to feel so insecure/ anxious.

If they ridicule and ignore your boundaries and anxieties, and act in a manipulative way by eg lying so you don’t get to voice your concerns, this is going to have set the pattern for how you feel now.

readbooksdrinktea · 05/07/2023 13:39

Atethehalloweenchocs · 05/07/2023 10:40

You are asking them to enable your anxiety and they are not doing so. They are quite right not to prop it up, as hard as that feels for you. It is exhausting to be around someone who is very anxious so I imagine they are fed up. I am sorry you are struggling so much, but asking them to change because of your anxiety is not reasonable.

This. I'd be worried they'd pull away. As PP said, probably time to up the therapy.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/07/2023 13:40

I agrée of course that seeking some counselling for anxiety may help

billy1966 · 05/07/2023 13:40

OP,

Your parents sound awful and I would absolutely say your upbringing has massively caused, if not contributed to your anxiety.

@Natty13's post is excellent.

Your parents are rude and disrespectful, and in your place I would see very very little of them and take some space to give you time to really think.

Are you discussing your childhood in therapy? You should be.
Particularly as your sister feels similarly.

The chemicals on the grass is dreadful, of course you were right to be concerned.

I think they are extremely controlling and belittling of you, and their actions are intentionally upsetting you, as they see you as a child not deserving of consideration or respect.

Your mental health is very precious and you must mind it.

You do not feel these elevated levels of stress around friends and in other situations, your parents are the key triggers for you.

I do not think speaking to them again about this serves any purpose.

See a lot less of them and perhaps they will join the dots.

Spend time with people whom don't stress you.

With people so dismissive of you and your feelings, you do not owe them a relationship with you or your child.

Can you imagine them correcting and undermining you as you parent your child?
If so, even more reason to step back.

Perhaps if you step away from them they might find a bit of kindness and courtesy towards you, or not.

Either way, you really dont have to and shouldn't, IMO, tolerate this.

Tinkss · 05/07/2023 13:45

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been suffering with anxiety, the over thinking is the worst. I found that keeping a log journal helps , just jotting down all those worries. I would look back on it at the end of the week and most of the things I wrote down by the end of the week they weren’t worth worrying over. It makes you realise that everything will be okay in the end and it gives me some relief to know no matter how big or small that worry is, in a few months time it probably won’t even cross my mind.

Sending virtual hugs , take care 🙂

Lentilweaver · 05/07/2023 13:45

Clearly people disagree on what is enabling and what is not. I can only speak from my experience with a family member. The more we respected her boundaries, the more anxious she got and the more she refused to leave the house. Because that was her boundary.

Her own doctor told us to stop the enabling. It was only when people stopped enabling her that she began to push herself, gradually, and is now recovered and able to lead a pretty normal life. I am not sure it is as simple as respecting people's boundaries.

Caramelatt · 05/07/2023 13:47

SoSoSoSo · 05/07/2023 08:47

The trouble is that though her parents could be more understanding is that feeding the anxiety by going along with various rituals and avoiding certain things often makes it worse. The more you feed it, the bigger it gets.

Not wanting her child on lawn where they put chemicals is not an OCD like ritual.

Nor I think they are trained ERP expert to help her break her rituals if you think that's what is happening with her.

In what way have they helped her reduce anxiety? They are making her more anxious and making her feel bad. I am not surprised with such dismissive and uncaring parents, she has ended up having anxiety.

Terzani · 05/07/2023 13:48

I am an anxious person generally and I do my best to work on this but where DD is concerned I often can’t control it

Be careful, this kind of behaviour will be absolutely suffocating and destructive for your DD when she will grow up. You will always accuse and guilt trip her for the exact reasons why you are accusing and guilt tripping your parents now. And she will always have to walk on eggshells, trying to not upset you. She will learn to tell lies to you and will do everything to hide from you.

kalokagathos · 05/07/2023 13:49

That anxiety would make me anxious and I do not welcome anxiety into my life at any level.

BoohooWoohoo · 05/07/2023 13:49

OP says she's only anxious with her parents.

When she's with friends she can leave baby with them while she nips to the loo and she's even had a friend babysit without her there. There is something wrong with her interactions with her parents.

If she'd behaved like that with everyone then my answer would be different but I think that her more relaxed mental state when with her friends is significant.

GCalltheway · 05/07/2023 13:53

kalokagathos · 05/07/2023 13:49

That anxiety would make me anxious and I do not welcome anxiety into my life at any level.

Because it’s all about you, right?

Caramelatt · 05/07/2023 13:54

mum22mu · 05/07/2023 10:52

Thanks for so many replies, I am overwhelmed by them! I haven’t had chance to read them all yet.

To answer a few questions. I don’t think I have PND, but then I suppose I can’t know for sure? I am very relaxed with DD at home with her or if I’m at a baby class or our for lunch with friends etc. I’m not paralysed by the anxiety. I just seem to go into overdrive around my parents. I do think the comments and invalidation of my concerns adds to my anxiety as I don’t feel I am heard.

Those saying my parents would be feeding my anxiety if they went along with me… I am not sure I agree. I am sure friends have thought I am a bit crazy wanting DD in sight and are too polite to say but then equally I don’t feel as stressed around them and would, for example, go to the loo alone if DD was with them and I would take my time. I just don’t feel that way around my parents.

FWIW my sibling feels exactly the same but then again she also has anxiety.

Its an awful situation because I do know they love DD but I feel genuinely stressed around them at the moment.

People are being unfair.

If your parents way of handling things were so perfect, you and your sibling would not have ended up anxious.

Those who say your parents are refusing to feed into your anxiety are wrong unless your parents are qualified professionals or have attended sessions with and doing so at the advice of a therapist.

They are making you more anxious by making irresponsible statements that they shouldve lied to. This is not helpful to anyone with anxiety.

Like you said your friends respect your wishes, perhaps you should restrict time with your parents especially at their home and in public.

Your parents can visit you and your dd in your home.
Please work with a therapist on your anxiety, meanwhile limit interaction with those who make it worse, irrespective of their intentions

orangeyeahthatsright · 05/07/2023 13:56

ZeroFuchsGiven · 05/07/2023 13:06

And yes sometimes people do actually need to be told to get a grip.

It's not for you to dictate how other people should manage their mental health issues. You sound either clueless about mental health or like someone who has been fortunate enough to manage to 'get a grip' on any issues of your own so you assume everyone else can. Either way you're being really insensitive.

Silenciospritz · 05/07/2023 13:56

This reply has been deleted

We doubt that this is genuine - we're taking it down now.

Caramelatt · 05/07/2023 13:58

kalokagathos · 05/07/2023 13:49

That anxiety would make me anxious and I do not welcome anxiety into my life at any level.

Then you don't have to deal with OP.

Lacucuracha · 05/07/2023 13:59

kalokagathos · 05/07/2023 13:49

That anxiety would make me anxious and I do not welcome anxiety into my life at any level.

Why is your need to not feel anxious more important than someone else’s?

If you can’t do things that would make an anxious person less anxious, don’t agree to do them in the first place.

GCalltheway · 05/07/2023 14:00

Appleass · 05/07/2023 13:30

You're parents do not sound awful at all, they sound perfectly reasonable dealing with a difficult situation with their daughter, who's anxiety sounds out of control. I agree with them you are going to have an impact on you're childs mental health, if you are worrying about, grass, being kissed, I think most of those agreeing with you and speaking negatively about your parents probably have same mental health issues as yourself. I feel for you as your clearly have issues that need sorting before the escalate out of control.

I don’t have anxiety whatsoever and I think if any parent resorts to being unkind and nasty to their child who ultimately has a mental health problem and is doing her best, then you need to step away because you will only make things even worse and cause more damage.

It’s sad to see so many posts supporting what looks to me nothing short of bullying, it’s especially concerning because op has poor mental health and is vulnerable having just had a baby and learning to manage so many new experiences.

op would do well to stop seeing her parents and see more of her lovely friends.

Caramelatt · 05/07/2023 14:02

Lentilweaver · 05/07/2023 13:45

Clearly people disagree on what is enabling and what is not. I can only speak from my experience with a family member. The more we respected her boundaries, the more anxious she got and the more she refused to leave the house. Because that was her boundary.

Her own doctor told us to stop the enabling. It was only when people stopped enabling her that she began to push herself, gradually, and is now recovered and able to lead a pretty normal life. I am not sure it is as simple as respecting people's boundaries.

That's not the case with OP. If your purpose is to talk about your experience then create a separate thread, but if purpose of your post is to draw conclusions on op's situation based on a personal experience, then you are being very unhelpful and unfair.

PinkButtercups · 05/07/2023 14:02

@GCalltheway This. You hit the nail on the head.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 05/07/2023 14:03

Lentilweaver · 05/07/2023 13:45

Clearly people disagree on what is enabling and what is not. I can only speak from my experience with a family member. The more we respected her boundaries, the more anxious she got and the more she refused to leave the house. Because that was her boundary.

Her own doctor told us to stop the enabling. It was only when people stopped enabling her that she began to push herself, gradually, and is now recovered and able to lead a pretty normal life. I am not sure it is as simple as respecting people's boundaries.

I sympathise with you it couldn't have been easy do you know how it started?

My daughter pulled her hair she was self harming and what we did was we started homeschooling her. She got better but it did take a while for her to break what she was doing. It weren't until she started college that she started to love herself more. She was bullied at school and it deeply affected her. Now she is doing her level 2 in hairdressing and in a couple of week's time she will dye my hair blonde.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away if people are making you ill. That's why I am more for the op stepping away from her parents. I call it harm reduction.