Page 9 | Mum doesn't want to know baby gender, AIBU?

TuesdayWonder · 2023-07-04T12:13:59+00:00

Currently in early stages of pregnancy. I was having a chat with my mum the other day and just happened to mention how I will probably find out the baby's gender when I can. My mum then got really annoyed saying well you won't be telling me or ruining the surprise for me and that she didn't find out with any of her pregnancies so she doesn't want to know. I was quite shocked because I don't think she really has the right to demand that I go out of my way to keep this from her. If myself and my partner know the gender then naturally we may slip up saying things like "once she's/he's here" or have pink/blue items in the house. Surely as a grandparent she has no right to demand not being told the gender? I can understand the disappointment if she wanted it to be a surprise but as it's not her baby surely she should respect my choice, AIBU?!

WonderingWanda · 04/07/2023 15:24

YANBU this is not her pregnancy. If you want to find out then that is your choice and if you want to talk about it then do. If she has a huff about it just ignore her, she will get over it pretty quickly if she wants anything to do with her grandchild won't she.

You also get the final say on how you give birth, where you give birth, what you name your baby, how you feed your baby, how you clothe your baby etc.

Curseofthenation · 04/07/2023 15:25

I think I would try to keep it secret if my mum made this request, but I would warn her not to be upset if it slipped out. It seems like a fair compromise.

widowtwankywashroom · 04/07/2023 15:25

aSofaNearYou · 04/07/2023 15:07

Good job you're not then, that would have been wildly unprofessional. There are lots of things you don't NEED to know, who are you to therefore decide you must not know it? That's absolutely ridiculous. What does knowing harm? Somebody else's feeling that the tradition of finding out at birth is nicer?

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And that is why I am not a sonographer.

SeatonCarew · 04/07/2023 15:27

secretllama · 04/07/2023 13:41

It really is. Not everyone believes or buys into the whole new gender ideology and are using the word gender as they've always known to mean sex.

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It's exactly the people who don't buy into the whole new gender ideology who are saying it does matter, as never before.

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/07/2023 15:30

She didn't want to know with her own children, that's fine but she's had her turn. This is your baby and it isn't about her.

I liked using 'he' and my baby's name when I was pregnant. I wouldn't have tiptoed around that so it would be obvious he's a boy.

I also wouldn't be running around hiding clothes in the house too.

It's too much effort, especially during pregnancy which should be a special time for you.

You want to find out so everyone finds out. Tough luck.

granstable · 04/07/2023 15:31

Some friends were told they were having a girl - got given loads of pink and girly stuff only to discover much later in the pregnancy that the baby was a boy.

Coconut212 · 04/07/2023 15:32

What difference does is make if she said sex of gender. Instead of gender reveal parties it will be sex reveal parties, that would be a real eye opener. Hi Gran, hope you can make my sex reveal party 😂😂😂

Blossomtoes · 04/07/2023 15:32

She didn't want to know with her own children

She quite possibly had no opportunity to know. And she’s not asking OP not to find out, just not to tell her. It’s not difficult, is it? I bet it would be very easy if it was something she didn’t want her to know.

SeatonCarew · 04/07/2023 15:33

Fordian · 04/07/2023 14:09

For those who do not know the difference between sex and gender; sex is observed at birth. It is biological fact. Gender is the behaviours societal norms expect to witness in that particular sex.

We coyly, like Americans, use 'gender' when we mean 'sex'.

This is how rapists like Isla Bryson end up in women's prisons. He claims his gender is female thus he magically becomes an actual woman.

And (possibly gay) kids who prefer the gendered things more typical of the opposite sex get drugged and mutilated.

Words matter.

This is why we are where we are.

Thank you @Fordian for explaining that.

Ohhmydays · 04/07/2023 15:34

SamW98 · 04/07/2023 13:19

My mum was the same until the actual day we found out then phoned me and said ‘well if everyone else is going to know I suppose I have to as well’

Then burst into tears when we told her it was a boy - as she had daughters and granddaughters at this point and my DS was first boy for her

This was my stepdad lol. Me and my brother had the 1st 2 grandchildren and didn’t find out what we were having, my sisters had the next 2 and found out stepdad(non snappily) said he didn’t want to know and never knew till they arrived. I had my 2nd ds, again didn’t want to know but someone had asked him in the pub if i had a name for “him” yet. So by the time oldest sis had her 2nd and i had my 3rd he was like I don’t want to know but someone will end up telling me so would rather hear it from use lol

aSofaNearYou · 04/07/2023 15:35

Blossomtoes · 04/07/2023 15:32

She didn't want to know with her own children

She quite possibly had no opportunity to know. And she’s not asking OP not to find out, just not to tell her. It’s not difficult, is it? I bet it would be very easy if it was something she didn’t want her to know.

I think that's where the difference of opinion lies - because I think it would be quite difficult. Speaking about someone without mentioning their sex in the language you use is difficult when you know it.

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/07/2023 15:40

aSofaNearYou · 04/07/2023 15:35

I think that's where the difference of opinion lies - because I think it would be quite difficult. Speaking about someone without mentioning their sex in the language you use is difficult when you know it.

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I also used my baby's name when we decided on one. It would've been too much effort for me to be stumbling over pronouns or going out of my way to not use his name or to hide the blanket with his name on it from the nursery etc.

She'd just have to know.

RedToothBrush · 04/07/2023 15:43

SayHi · 04/07/2023 15:20

Lots of people want to know mainly because they’re so excited to meet them that they cannot wait.

That’s like saying why do you look at the screen when you have a scan or buy the little scan photos.
Of course you want to see your baby growing inside you.

I would love to have the surprise of the sex and if I had another child I would do that.

But I was a teenage single parent and had a horrible pregnancy and I needed to prepare myself for the baby and part of that was coming to terms with the sex.

I was initially very disappointed as I thought it was going to be a boy but they said it was a girl and so I had time to come to terms with this.
If they were wrong and it was a boy then I would have still been happy.
(Obviously I love her now and I’m so happy to have a girl).

Me naming her and buying her clothes was was a good way to enjoy my pregnancy.

Most boys and girls clothes are completely different and it’s naive to suggest that buying them certain clothes is simply because you have an urge to stereotype.

Let me guess - you are one of these parents that forces their sons to wear pink, sparkly princesses dresses because you’re so woke.

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Let me guess - you are one of these parents that forces their sons to wear pink, sparkly princesses dresses because you’re so woke.

Hahaha nope.

Definitely not in the 'so woke' camp.

HTH

SeatonCarew · 04/07/2023 15:47

GCSister · 04/07/2023 14:15

Gender and sex have always meant the same thing and I'm not buying into people saying there are 3000 genders.

Those making the distinction between sex and gender don't tend to believe there are 3000 genders either.........

Exactly. So many completely miss the point that the posters who say it matters whether you say sex or gender are on their side, and trying to protect women and girls.

If gender is what decides everything then we get rapists in women's prisons and hospitals, any man who says he's a woman can enter women's safe spaces, women's refuges and so on. It places women and girls at risk and sacrifices their safety and dignity.

I urge those who dismiss it to spend a little time getting to understand the issues because they really matter. Rapists in women's prisons and hospital wards have already happened.

Emotionalsupportviper · 04/07/2023 15:47

Brefugee · 04/07/2023 13:18

the baby has a sex not a gender.

If she doesn't want to know, that's fine. If it slips out by accident (not "accidentally on purpose") that is also fine.

This!

And if she doesn't want to know, just don't tell her.

I don't see why anything should "accidentally slip out". though if you paint the baby's room a particular colour that may tip her off. I don't know why you are so uptight about it.

You want to know - fine.

Your mum doesn't want to know - also fine.

Talk about a first world problem . . . 🙄

KeeefBurtain · 04/07/2023 15:51

This topic always ends in catty arguments and I really don’t understand why. What on earth does it matter what someone else does with their pregnancy? Neither way is ‘right’ yet it brings out a horrible side to some people.
yes, people never used to find out in the older times, but then again they used to use chainsaws to cut a woman’s pelvis if the baby was stuck. Times have moved on and the choice is there, and personal. It’s worse than the breast vs formula/traditional vs baby led 🙄

PrueRamsay · 04/07/2023 15:51

Curseofthenation · 04/07/2023 15:25

I think I would try to keep it secret if my mum made this request, but I would warn her not to be upset if it slipped out. It seems like a fair compromise.

Well there’s a measured and mature resolution.

I really can’t understand all the angst over this. I really wouldn’t want to know the sex if my DD was pregnant, and I know she would do her best to keep it secret so I had a lovely surprise. If she let it slip, I would know it was an accident.

Irritatedmum · 04/07/2023 15:53

My Nan was like this so she found out by accident through slip ups rather than by me telling her and having a lovely moment. In hindsight I wish I’d just told her anyway.

SayHi · 04/07/2023 15:59

KeeefBurtain · 04/07/2023 15:51

This topic always ends in catty arguments and I really don’t understand why. What on earth does it matter what someone else does with their pregnancy? Neither way is ‘right’ yet it brings out a horrible side to some people.
yes, people never used to find out in the older times, but then again they used to use chainsaws to cut a woman’s pelvis if the baby was stuck. Times have moved on and the choice is there, and personal. It’s worse than the breast vs formula/traditional vs baby led 🙄

So many women are always so judgmental of each other.

There are always arguments about BF vs non-BF, caesarean vs vaginal births, being SAHMs vs working mums, pro-life vs pro-choice, what we wear, what age we should do certain things by etc.

Now people are being judgemental because some women choose to find out the sex of their child which is in their own body.

Men never judge each other over this sort of stuff.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/07/2023 16:00

I presume you didn't tell her about the exact process and position you were in fir the baby to get there in the first place? Well, add the incidental finding of sex during the fetal anomaly scan to the same list of things you haven't mentioned to her.

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 04/07/2023 16:02

@SeatonCarew Thank you, I didn't look at it from that perspective and I agree with you.

ReliantRobyn · 04/07/2023 16:04

Just don't tell her the sex / gender deliberately but if it comes out by mistake eg "she'll love this baby room" then that's life!

Cailin66 · 04/07/2023 16:12

It’s up to you if you want to know the babies sex and there’s no need to tell your mother as she’d rather not know. I had to insist on not knowing for my babies, and I was full positive child number two was the opposite sex because the pregnancy was completely different. Boy was I wrong!

As regards gender, your mother will have to wait until your baby chooses that. They have currently a choice of nearly one hundred and nine to pick from.

phoenixrosehere · 04/07/2023 16:16

She can request something but doesn’t mean you have to do it.

It’s a bit ridiculous to have to tiptoe around your own pregnancy because someone views it as a nicer surprise for them not to know the sex. Is it really going to change how she feels about her grandchild?

MNHQ

YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 04/07/2023 16:21

Hi everyone - we just want to make a polite request that if the OP wants to say gender, that's entirely up to her and it's really not on to derail her thread because you disagree. It doesn't make the boards a particularly nice place to be if people are continuously pulled up on their terminology.