Page 7 | Mum doesn't want to know baby gender, AIBU?

aSofaNearYou · 04/07/2023 14:39

Esmereldapawpatrol · 04/07/2023 14:25

YANBU, your baby and your choice.

However, I don't understand the whole thing of knowing the sex. With both of my DC we found out when they were born, the two best moments of my life and complete surprise. It was truly lovely!

Personally, the moment I met both my DDs were the most magical moments of my life anyway, because I was getting to meet them. Not having known they were girls wouldn't have added much to that, it was already magical.

By contrast, pregnancy is a long slog and there isn't a magical moment in the middle. Finding out the sex was something to look forward to then, whereas would not have been as exciting at birth when there was already quite enough excitement to be getting on with.

CovertImage · 04/07/2023 14:40

eetee · 04/07/2023 13:31

@KarmaStar

Ah she just wants the excitement of knowing the sex when baby is born!😀the anticipation and wonder is special for some.

She doesn't get to dictate how another woman chooses to discuss her pregnancy/child because she wants 'excitement'.

Mumsnet in a nutshell - "she doesn't get to...."

Like everyone's the fucking enemy

Quveas · 04/07/2023 14:42

I voted UABU for the fact that you clearly plan to colour co-ordinate according to sex. Why restrict yourself to pink or blue?

SparklingMarkling · 04/07/2023 14:43

@CovertImage

It isn’t about enemies it’s just advising women they are allowed to set boundaries and do things the way they see fit. We don’t all have to consider others all the time, or be kind or nice all the time just because we are women. This is something I teach my daughter and so therefore wouldn’t expect to imposing conditions on her pregnancy. Unfortunately some mothers just see their daughters as extensions of themselves which is incredibly unhealthy.

whoruntheworldgirls · 04/07/2023 14:45

I found out and managed not to tell anyone, i referred to baby as 'bean' to reduce risk of slipping up. I wanted to tell, husband didn't in case the scan was wrong

JusthereforXmas · 04/07/2023 14:49

I honestly don't see the point in finding it out but I also know I have zero control over others.

I don't see why you would have to tell her though, just don't. Its literally a non issue that she doesn't want to know yet.

Mari9999 · 04/07/2023 14:49

She has asked not to be told; that is not an unreasonable request. If you share the information with other family members , she will likely end up inadvertently hearing the news from someone else.

You lose nothing by adhering to her request.

Tippingadvice · 04/07/2023 14:52

SparklingMarkling · 04/07/2023 13:43

@secretllama

I agree. I use the word gender to describe one’s biological sex. So I don’t see why I should change that because some people like to pretend to be the opposite gender. Something like that anyway…. It’s all rather confusing but to me gender is male and female and I don’t need to change that to become more politically correct.

@SparklingMarkling @Daisydu and others, sadly, as someone who for decades used sex and gender interchangeably, they no longer mean the same thing. Women are losing their jobs and livelihoods just because they believe sex is binary and women give birth to girls and boys.

However, it’s clear the original interpretation has been used by the op.

I@TuesdayWonder It’s your choice whether to find out the sex and I agree with pp that once you know it will be difficult to keep it from your mum. Your mum has to accept things are done differently these days. There will be a lot that is different from when your mum had a new born and her accepting it’s your (and Dad’s) choice is important.

I was surprised to be invited to Aidan’s baby shower as I realised announcing names before birth is now happening.

CallistoMoon · 04/07/2023 14:54

SparklingMarkling · 04/07/2023 14:43

@CovertImage

It isn’t about enemies it’s just advising women they are allowed to set boundaries and do things the way they see fit. We don’t all have to consider others all the time, or be kind or nice all the time just because we are women. This is something I teach my daughter and so therefore wouldn’t expect to imposing conditions on her pregnancy. Unfortunately some mothers just see their daughters as extensions of themselves which is incredibly unhealthy.

I knew someone would come out with this. Its okay to not want the be kind message pushed down women's throats but it doesn't mean you have to be the opposite.

I really don't understand the big issue here. It's a non issue and if it slips out, it slips out. People on MN get worked up about the smallest things. I'm surprised people haven't advised her to go no contact.

quietnightmare · 04/07/2023 14:54

She's just excited for you

But I don't know what your mums like and if she is generally a difficult person

If so when you find out then the options are ...

1)don't tell her or anyone.

don't tell her and hope no one else tells her
tell her before you find out that you are going to always refer to the baby as him or her so that way when you know you stick to saying the one you chose before finding out
trick her. If you find out it's a boy then accidentally slip up and say 'her' then always refer to the baby as her and then when the baby comes and it's a boy your mum will still get a surprise ! Just be mi duck and tell her you only want white or yellow items ore brought if she does buy anything
tell her tough cookies
change your mind and don't find out

Thepowerhouseofthecell · 04/07/2023 14:55

I loved giving birth and hearing "it's a boy!" and then finally holding my baby afterwards and just being so amazed by him and realising I had a son. I just don't think finding out at the scan would be anywhere near as emotional.

However, if the mum and dad want to know then I don't think it's fair for grandparents to ask not to be told. The OP might want to announce on facebook, might want to start decorating a nursery, buying clothes etc.. and might just want to share the lovely news with her mum when she finds out, go shopping with her mum for baby stuff, talk about names etc.. So the op's mum is being akward and difficult in my opinion. What if op does want a gender reveal party with her mum there? Seems like mum is cutting off her nose to spite her face as this will put distance between her and her daughter during what should be a really lovely time.

KeeefBurtain · 04/07/2023 14:55

I managed to keep the sex of my youngest 2 secret from DP and we lived in the same house, so it is possible to do if you want to(I wanted to know, he didn’t)

it’s funny, my mum was the opposite - she didn’t want to know the sex of her own 4 children but was really excited about knowing all her grandchildren’s. Only 1 of my sisters waited until the birth and it was lovely getting the ‘it’s a girl’ message but no more special than finding out at the scans.

Esmereldapawpatrol · 04/07/2023 14:55

aSofaNearYou · 04/07/2023 14:39

Personally, the moment I met both my DDs were the most magical moments of my life anyway, because I was getting to meet them. Not having known they were girls wouldn't have added much to that, it was already magical.

By contrast, pregnancy is a long slog and there isn't a magical moment in the middle. Finding out the sex was something to look forward to then, whereas would not have been as exciting at birth when there was already quite enough excitement to be getting on with.

Show quote history

As I said previously it isn't a criticism of those that find out at their scan. Each to their own.

But you wouldn't know how it felt to find out at the birth just as I wouldn't know what it feels like to find out at a scan.

I think it depends on how you are as a person, I love surprises and excitement, I am a bit spontaneous so that's what I preferred.

I disagree with you about there not being a magical moment in the middle though and I didn't find pregnancy a slog, again, each to their own and everyone experiences pregnancy differently.

quietnightmare · 04/07/2023 14:55

" Well she's in luck. According to popular doctrine, you CANNOT know a baby's gender until baby is old enough to tell you. "

@MistyGreenAndBlue

Great point there! Ain't that the sad truth these days

widowtwankywashroom · 04/07/2023 14:55

You don't need to know the gender , you want to
She doesn't
I don't get the fascination of knowing what you're having if I am honest
Strange thing to fall out over

RedToothBrush · 04/07/2023 14:57

Why do you need to know the sex of your baby before its born except to satisfy an urge to stereotype it before its even born?

Genuine question.

dartsofcupid · 04/07/2023 14:57

Also, about her argument re. ‘the big surprise’- I found out with DC2 cos I had major PND with DC1 and I was scared of what would come with a toddler and a baby. I felt I’d be somehow more mentally able for knowing ‘who’ was coming. Also helped us prepare DC1, he was three and he ‘knew’ he was getting a sister from the minute we told him about a baby, only wanted a sister and not a brother (ironically given how they fight now!) If it had been a boy we’d have had all that extra time to help him to get his little head around it. Nae doubt some people would say that’s misguided rubbish because a baby is a baby and their own person regardless of what’s between their legs but from my POV I think it worked, not least because uncertainty isn’t all that pleasurable to me, sad to say I’m a tense fucker. It was also a nice wee afternoon’s interlude in many months of vomiting, and we got to see a pretty little face in 3D 😛

widowtwankywashroom · 04/07/2023 14:57

I really don't get the fascination with knowing the gender
Naming the baby
Buying colour specific clothes
Is nothing sacred anymore

BreatheAndFocus · 04/07/2023 14:58

She’s being perfectly reasonable. It’s hardly a big ask. Just pre-warn her if you’re going to be posting it on Facebook so she doesn’t see by accident. Nothing to fall out about.

Dalekjastninerels · 04/07/2023 14:58

TuesdayWonder · 04/07/2023 13:13

Currently in early stages of pregnancy. I was having a chat with my mum the other day and just happened to mention how I will probably find out the baby's gender when I can. My mum then got really annoyed saying well you won't be telling me or ruining the surprise for me and that she didn't find out with any of her pregnancies so she doesn't want to know.

I was quite shocked because I don't think she really has the right to demand that I go out of my way to keep this from her. If myself and my partner know the gender then naturally we may slip up saying things like "once she's/he's here" or have pink/blue items in the house.

Surely as a grandparent she has no right to demand not being told the gender? I can understand the disappointment if she wanted it to be a surprise but as it's not her baby surely she should respect my choice, AIBU?!

OP

Just keep as a surprise for your Mum.

You know the gender, your Mum won't

Win Win

aSofaNearYou · 04/07/2023 14:59

@Esmereldapawpatrol I love surprises and excitement too, hence my looking forward to some after waiting 20 weeks! I was already having one at birth. That's the part I never understand about comments like yours - it is as much of a surprise when you find out at the scan, just at another time. It's the same information, so of course it's exciting then too.

But indeed, each to their own!

KeeefBurtain · 04/07/2023 14:59

I don't get the fascination of knowing what you're having if I am honest

I wonder if everyone who finds out were the kids who searched the house for their Christmas presents and those who don’t wouldn’t have dreamed of it!

quietnightmare · 04/07/2023 15:00

KeeefBurtain · 04/07/2023 14:59

I don't get the fascination of knowing what you're having if I am honest

I wonder if everyone who finds out were the kids who searched the house for their Christmas presents and those who don’t wouldn’t have dreamed of it!

Ooooh that's a point. Start a thread

dartsofcupid · 04/07/2023 15:02

KeeefBurtain · 04/07/2023 14:59

I don't get the fascination of knowing what you're having if I am honest

I wonder if everyone who finds out were the kids who searched the house for their Christmas presents and those who don’t wouldn’t have dreamed of it!

Ngl, this is actually a profound insight. My DH refers to me as CupidNTK (needs to know). It’s a blessing and a curse 🤪

Floraltears · 04/07/2023 15:04

Sorry, I wouldn’t have dreamed of searching for presents, but had to find out as soon as possible if I was having a boy or girl 😀