Mum doesn't want to know baby gender, AIBU?

[TuesdayWonder]

Currently in early stages of pregnancy. I was having a chat with my mum the other day and just happened to mention how I will probably find out the baby's gender when I can. My mum then got really annoyed saying well you won't be telling me or ruining the surprise for me and that she didn't find out with any of her pregnancies so she doesn't want to know.

I was quite shocked because I don't think she really has the right to demand that I go out of my way to keep this from her. If myself and my partner know the gender then naturally we may slip up saying things like "once she's/he's here" or have pink/blue items in the house.

Surely as a grandparent she has no right to demand not being told the gender? I can understand the disappointment if she wanted it to be a surprise but as it's not her baby surely she should respect my choice, AIBU?!

I can't imagine getting so worked up over this. My mum also didn't want to know the sex of the baby, so we just didn't tell her 🤷 First time I think we slipped up by mentioning being bought some specific items by mil. Second time round I managed to keep it a secret somehow and she enjoyed the surprise when we called to say DC2 was here!

I mean it's up to you if you find out and who you tell but it definitely didn't make me that angry!

God these comments are so judgy. Because it's something about them you didn't know at a time when you don't know very much, and it's interesting. Do you think the same about people who are excited to find out at birth? Should people just not comment and not even notice the sex at all?

No.I'm just very sick of this subject being shoehorned into.every thread ,go and start your own thread about it if you want to discuss it .

Hmm.

I think I kept on accidentally finding presents cos my parents were so shit at hiding them!

DH definitely found them but had no desire to find out sex of the baby when I was pregnant

Because that's my choice.

I want to have time to choose and settle on a name.
I want to buy gendered clothing etc (shoot me).
Because I simply choose to want to know.

I'd equate it to surprise parties and surprises in general rather than a child looking for presents.
I wanted to know at 20 week scan. I enjoy planning so early intel works for me. I didn't look for my presents but I am not generally a fan of surprises parties or holidays - I like to know what I am getting.

I wanted to know but I'd never have looked for presents - liked the surprise ironically.

That’s such a good point.

If I was a sonographer I would refuse to tell you
Or tell you wrong
You might want to know but you don't need to know

All of this.

Better hope they don't make a mistake then. Are you going to sue them if you buy pink clothes and paint the nursery pink and then it's a boy?

No. I just think it just means kids are more likely to be stereotyped - if you find out before you are more likely to go down the walls of blue v pink rather than just buy clothes.

I think it works to entrench stereotypes.

The whole market started to shift when it became common to find out the sex with scans. I don't think its a coincedence.

Good job you're not then, that would have been wildly unprofessional. There are lots of things you don't NEED to know, who are you to therefore decide you must not know it? That's absolutely ridiculous. What does knowing harm? Somebody else's feeling that the tradition of finding out at birth is nicer?

if My mum had have kept the presents at home rather than at my mama I totally would have looked!

I found out with all 4 of mine. They were all dressed in bright colours from birth. After the first I knew better than to buy white 😅

It is completely different once it's born!

When I was pregnant with ds the local hospital didn't tell you the sex due to the penchant for certain ethnic groups to prefer boys and abort girls.

@RedToothBrush I know what you mean but I think people who buy very gendered clothes for babies do so when they find out at birth, too.

FWIW, I never went down that route with either of my DDs. I just wanted to know as much information about them as was available to me at the time.

Back in "my time" parents were split on asking because the scans were not 100 percent accurate. So many of us waited - we waited and I would always choose personally to not know as its really lovely finding out when they are delivered.

However, it's the parents choice not relatives. I guess you don't have to tell her but you are bound to drop a hint when not thinking as you will naturally start to call the baby she/he him/her. You might even want to use your chosen name.

So I think your Mum is being unreasonable. Yes.

Me and dh found out our children's gender and neither his family or mine wanted to know, really wasn't a big deal. And we were living with my family during the last part of my pregnancy.

Possibly. I was so tired after birth I didn't have time for stereotyping. It was good to get a few weeks in before that.

Why be so mean? Do you hate your own mother?

I didn't know what I was having until they arrived. Finding out beforehand would no way have been the same.

Are you really that stupid? Or was that the best remark you could come back with?

Well, in some NHS trusts they won't tell you.
And they certainly won't write it down or tell anyone other than the pregnant woman.

But if you're paying specifically for a scan at a private clinic then you can't really afford to be churlish about it as telling people if it's a girl or boy is at least 90% of the job!

Jesus Christ I hope you don't work in the medical field. What the hell gives you the right to take that choice away from a pregnant woman?

Lots of people want to know mainly because they’re so excited to meet them that they cannot wait.

That’s like saying why do you look at the screen when you have a scan or buy the little scan photos.
Of course you want to see your baby growing inside you.

I would love to have the surprise of the sex and if I had another child I would do that.

But I was a teenage single parent and had a horrible pregnancy and I needed to prepare myself for the baby and part of that was coming to terms with the sex.

I was initially very disappointed as I thought it was going to be a boy but they said it was a girl and so I had time to come to terms with this.
If they were wrong and it was a boy then I would have still been happy.
(Obviously I love her now and I’m so happy to have a girl).

Me naming her and buying her clothes was was a good way to enjoy my pregnancy.

Most boys and girls clothes are completely different and it’s naive to suggest that buying them certain clothes is simply because you have an urge to stereotype.

Let me guess - you are one of these parents that forces their sons to wear pink, sparkly princesses dresses because you’re so woke.

I didn't need to know, and actually with my first we didn't find out, at the birth I was handed baby and the trainee midwife congratulated me on the birth of my son, the trained midwife then told her to look again, she apologized I did indeed have a girl but she mistook the umbilical cord for a penis🤷🏽‍♀️
Literally didn't care one jot when either sex was announced.
With my second I found out it was a girl at the scan and I honestly felt a bit more bonded to her and was able to name her etc..
Didn't matter in the long run obviously I love them both the same but my pregnancy with my second I defo felt more connected.