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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Mum doesn't want to know baby gender, AIBU?

284 replies

TuesdayWonder · 04/07/2023 13:13

Currently in early stages of pregnancy. I was having a chat with my mum the other day and just happened to mention how I will probably find out the baby's gender when I can. My mum then got really annoyed saying well you won't be telling me or ruining the surprise for me and that she didn't find out with any of her pregnancies so she doesn't want to know.

I was quite shocked because I don't think she really has the right to demand that I go out of my way to keep this from her. If myself and my partner know the gender then naturally we may slip up saying things like "once she's/he's here" or have pink/blue items in the house.

Surely as a grandparent she has no right to demand not being told the gender? I can understand the disappointment if she wanted it to be a surprise but as it's not her baby surely she should respect my choice, AIBU?!

OP posts:
Byebyemmissamericanpie · 04/07/2023 16:23

I would just not tell her but also wouldn’t go out of my way to try and hide it from her. Congratulations! X

Cailin66 · 04/07/2023 16:26

YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 04/07/2023 16:21

Hi everyone - we just want to make a polite request that if the OP wants to say gender, that's entirely up to her and it's really not on to derail her thread because you disagree. It doesn't make the boards a particularly nice place to be if people are continuously pulled up on their terminology.

I’m very careful about my language as regards sex and gender as I could get into trouble at work if I misgender someone. It’s the same on social media, where I could be banned. And as far as I know here on mumsnet we have to be extremely careful in case we misgender people. The rapist Isla Bryson, who is currently complaining about trans phobic treatment, that persons gender, well I’m trying not to get into trouble.

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/07/2023 16:26

phoenixrosehere · 04/07/2023 16:16

She can request something but doesn’t mean you have to do it.

It’s a bit ridiculous to have to tiptoe around your own pregnancy because someone views it as a nicer surprise for them not to know the sex. Is it really going to change how she feels about her grandchild?

I agree.

This is why I wouldn't be doing it. I wouldn't want to tiptoe around the pregnancy or be forced to use a nickname for the baby like 'Jellybean' or 'Flump'.

Oneearringlost · 04/07/2023 16:26

I don't think, for her generation, it was a very well known, or maybe , reliable, thing to know.
However, she IBU to feel she has the right for it to be a surprise to her.
This is your pregnancy, not hers. If you have a good relationship with her, I'd want to at least try, to not let on, but that might be difficult.
My DHs cousin ( female) wanted to know, ( this was 25 years ago), her DH didn't. She managed to not let on until their DC was born, how, I do not know!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/07/2023 16:27

Say that's fine it's her choice however it will be hard to consider your own child as an 'it' instead of he or she so if she doesnt want to find out, she is going to have to be prepared to not speak to you r anyone else you know, about the baby

Ep1cfail · 04/07/2023 16:29

Personally, I think the less you share the better. Everyone has an opinion on everything when you're pregnant.

If your mum doesn't want to know then I don't think you should go out of your way to tell her. If she finds out then so be it.

Mylifeislikeaboatrace · 04/07/2023 16:30

Easily to remember really sex can create sex [a baby].

Oneearringlost · 04/07/2023 16:31

Curseofthenation · 04/07/2023 15:25

I think I would try to keep it secret if my mum made this request, but I would warn her not to be upset if it slipped out. It seems like a fair compromise.

Very good!

Esmereldapawpatrol · 04/07/2023 16:31

dartsofcupid · 04/07/2023 15:02

Ngl, this is actually a profound insight. My DH refers to me as CupidNTK (needs to know). It’s a blessing and a curse 🤪

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Haha this could be it!! I never went looking as I wanted the surprise on Christmas morning!

Original poster
TuesdayWonder · 04/07/2023 16:31

Thanks all for the responses, it's good to get a range of views 😊

And thanks also to MNHQ for stepping in. I've always grown up with gender and sex used interchangeably and this is how most people I speak with i.e. friends, family, colleagues would use the word gender.

I think I'll just need to say to my mum that I will not tell her directly but that I won't apologise if she finds out indirectly i.e. by overhearing something or an accidental slip-up

OP posts:
Ghosttofu99 · 04/07/2023 16:36

KarmaStar · 04/07/2023 13:19

Ah she just wants the excitement of knowing the sex when baby is born!😀the anticipation and wonder is special for some.
As it's your dm I'm surprised at your aggressive attitude towards her.

Nothing op said was aggressive 🙄 she just expressed her surprise that her DM was angry and annoyed and op’s own choice about op’s own pregnancy.

Sugarspiceallthingsnice2 · 04/07/2023 16:45

JulieHoney · 04/07/2023 13:15

Sex. She doesn’t want to know the baby’s sex.

Don’t tell her but if it slips out, don’t worry about it. You are the one having the baby, your mother doesn’t get a vote on who knows what and when.

Sex. She doesn’t want to know the baby’s sex.

Not this again.

L1342 · 04/07/2023 16:45

eetee · 04/07/2023 13:31

@KarmaStar

Ah she just wants the excitement of knowing the sex when baby is born!😀the anticipation and wonder is special for some.

She doesn't get to dictate how another woman chooses to discuss her pregnancy/child because she wants 'excitement'.

This

aSofaNearYou · 04/07/2023 16:45

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/07/2023 16:00

I presume you didn't tell her about the exact process and position you were in fir the baby to get there in the first place? Well, add the incidental finding of sex during the fetal anomaly scan to the same list of things you haven't mentioned to her.

Those things don't fundamentally change how you speak, though, whereas pronouns do.

IAmFourEels · 04/07/2023 16:53

My mum said the same thing.

My sister spent her pregnancies trying to keep the information a secret from her - and found it quite stressful.

When it was my 'turn', I told her it was my pregnancy and I wasn't going to stress myself out, so yes I would be letting her know as soon as we found out at the 20-week scan. She got over it and I had one less thing to stress about!

Olive19741205 · 04/07/2023 16:54

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/07/2023 13:52

Why would you burden your dd when she is pregnant with having to keep this a secret?

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A burden? Holy shit. If you think that's a burden in life, heaven help you when you do actually have actual burdens in life.

MrsO3 · 04/07/2023 17:00

Your baby your choice @TuesdayWonder I get that your mum wants the surprise but at the end of the day, she can't dictate to you about keeping it a secret from her. Like others have said, don't tell her purposely but if you slip up or she finds out from someone else (which is very likely) then so be it. It's very unrealistic that you will go your whole pregnancy without your mum finding out

Appleofmyeye2023 · 04/07/2023 17:00

Holly60 · 04/07/2023 13:29

@JulieHoney

*Because sex and gender are not the same thing and conflating them got us in the mess we’re in.

Babies are born with a sex. Gender is something society imposes on them*.

I'd actually argue it's separating them out that has got us to where we are. When gender was just another word for sex, things were pretty clear.

Gender has never been the same thing as sex. I was born in 60s and geneder was a word definitely associated with stereotypes that needed to be dismantled. Back in late 70s and 80s toy shops were big on gender neutral toys for instance- getting rid of all the decking pink packaging…we were so close…but then people like you swallowed the conflation of the 2 words which was designed to obscure sex as being immutable.

ok, so digression, but it really pisses offa lot of people to conflate the 2 to be woke.

so the GM doesn’t want to know baby’s gender - quite right too, according to todays doctrine. If you believe that, no one will know baby’s gender until they explain it themselves .

if if GM doesn’t want to know sex, well that’s fine too, but I suspect it’ll be hard to keep a secret once they know

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 04/07/2023 17:06

x2boys · 04/07/2023 13:28

Mumsnet is obsessed with Sex and gender not being the same thing its all.the trans stuff ,as soon as I read the title I knew there would be lots of its Sex not gender comments

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Actually x2boys, I don't think it is just a Mumsnet thing -certainly it has reached the courts, the media and even the houses of parliament.

Having words you can be confident about can matter a great deal.

(The search for new words that mean what 'mother' or 'woman' have always meant has not been successful so far. 'Menstruator' was a particularly ugly choice.)

Missy865 · 04/07/2023 17:07

My MIL was like this when DH and I called her to tell her our exciting gender news. I told her that my parents knew the gender and we would be telling siblings, friends and anyone else that asked - so if she didnt want us to tell her then that was fine but the chances of her not finding out were pretty slim. She asked us to tell her...

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/07/2023 17:07

Olive19741205 · 04/07/2023 16:54

A burden? Holy shit. If you think that's a burden in life, heaven help you when you do actually have actual burdens in life.

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It would be such a pain. Tiptoeing around the pregnancy, stumbling over he/she, watching yourself not to say the name.

OP's mum should just accept that this isn't her pregnancy and it isn't her choice.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 04/07/2023 17:09

TuesdayWonder · 04/07/2023 16:31

Thanks all for the responses, it's good to get a range of views 😊

And thanks also to MNHQ for stepping in. I've always grown up with gender and sex used interchangeably and this is how most people I speak with i.e. friends, family, colleagues would use the word gender.

I think I'll just need to say to my mum that I will not tell her directly but that I won't apologise if she finds out indirectly i.e. by overhearing something or an accidental slip-up

Sex and gender were used interchangably here too OP.

The new meaning of gender might be here to stay for a while yet though.

willWillSmithsmith · 04/07/2023 17:10

Daisydu · 04/07/2023 13:17

What?

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Gender isn’t a thing it’s a feeling. The baby will have a sex and it will be male or female.

OP she is being unreasonable, this is not about her. Don’t bust a gut to keep it secret. If you slip up it’s not a big deal and she’ll get over it.

borntobequiet · 04/07/2023 17:11

YABU to do the pink or blue thing.

TommyNever · 04/07/2023 17:14

The word is sex, not gender. Sex is a real physical characteristic, gender is made-up woo.

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