To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

Well you already have 2 jobs so I think he is being totally unreasonable. Keeping the house and kids is a job in its self.

It concerns me that maybe you haven’t been able to provide for your future as you’re working part time. Do you have a pension? I work part time and there are 2 things that worry me, my pension (I pay into a pension due to my employer insisting that I do so, but it’s only small fry), and the fact that I work part time and if the worst happened, I wouldn’t be able to support myself and my daughter. Are these concerns of yours? Have you taken steps to rectify them? I hope you can see that, while some of the comments on your thread are just plain rude and disrespectful, some of them are actually trying to help by bringing different points of view. Hope you manage to get yourself sorted x

Good for you OP!
There’s no rush. Get yourself sorted. Get yourself another place to live set up. Get support systems in place.
You’re being incredibly practical and sensible.
Good luck!!

I know you've had a real hard time on here @Lazym but I think people are really just trying to help you. You are clearly not happy with this man, and you don't want to work any more hours because is IS shit working full time - unless you really enjoy your job (which many don't.) But.... as many have said, if you want to get away from him, you need to have more income yourself. Gonna be hard to leave and support yourself with 2 kids though, and I think you know that, and surely others must realise it too. Many women find it hard alone, especially with children.

I worked full time for the first 12 years or so of my working life - then I dropped my hours after having two kids - went from 37.5 a week to 30 hours a week (4 days one week/3 days the next,) till they were about 5 and 6. I was still having 5 days work shoved on me though, and was constantly struggling at work and still having to do 80% of the stuff at home/life admin/childcare etc, as it was assumed I would do that, because I was the 'part time' worker, AND also the mum. I also got the snide 'hello part timer' comments when I rocked up on the Tuesday on my 3 day week. Honestly some people are so vile to working mums.

And then I left that job and dropped my hours to 18 in another job, when the kids were 5 and 6. The job was less pay and less hours but we needed no childcare by then, so it balanced out IYSWIM. One of the best decisions I ever made. Kids both left home about 10 years ago and I still work just 21-22 hours a week now (over 2-3 days, work from home,) and I honestly do not know how I used to do everything when I worked full time especially with two kids and elderly parents, when I worked 30 hours a week. I do remember I was very stressed, I didn't have much time to myself, I didn't really have any hobbies, I didn't see my friends that much maybe once a month, and seemed to be constantly chasing my tail.

Dropping my hours was the best. I had so much more free time, especially when the kids were at school. It was also lovely when they were off on school hols though, and I had time to do stuff with them/go places/go on day trips etc.

I have a lot more free time to myself now only working 21-22 hours now (from home,) over two and a half days/three days, and having no children at home I have time to go for walks, to play badminton, to go swimming, to just sit in the garden reading, to spend a bit of time on and here go on Twitter and Facebook, (And mumsnet!) walk around The Woodlands and the beach taking photographs, and just going on day trips with DH, my friend, my DC, or catch up with friends over a coffee or pub lunch.

Yes I could work a full time but I don't want to and I don't need to... I'm nearly 60 and I worked full time for about 12 years I still worked 30 hours a week for a further six or seven years - AND I've carried on working part time since. I've never not worked in almost 45 years, and I've always paid my way - never claimed any kind of benefits not - that there's anything wrong with doing that if you need to! We have got no mortgage now and I can afford to work part time and for DH to only work 30 hours a week too. Not apologising to anybody else for it or explaining myself.

Anyway tl;dr what I'm trying to say is you don't need to feel guilty for working part time at all and wanting a lot more time to yourself. IMO people give you crap for it because some people (not all,) are a bit jealous and bitter because they've got to work full time because they can't afford not to. Then again if you really do want to leave this man you are going to have to up your income so you can afford to live on your own ... with your kids!

Then again do you really want to leave when you're financially fairly comfortable and secure at the moment and your kids are comfortable and you like being part time... ??? It's quite the dilemma - and it's a dilemma that many many women have .. Whether people admit it or not, a lot of women do stick with their partner because are better off financially (and they also stay for the kids...)

Thank you 😊

Appreciate your comment, going to make a long list about things I need to look into and what I need to do to move forward

The last paragraph sums it up. I have no problem with working full time but I worry I might not be able to manage with the kids as well. I don't even know if they'd want to come with me as they're used to their life and settled, my son especially. To rent privately (if I could) will be a lot more than the average monthly mortgage. I've messed up spectacularly really.

Then again do you really want to leave when you're financially fairly comfortable

I will definitely try to raise DD so she will not have to stay in a relationship where, as OP says "there is no love there or even friendship" only because the guy pays her bills.

Funnily enough, so will I! You're obviously suggesting I'm only with him because I'm a freeloader, I'm only with him because of the children. If it weren't for them, I'd been gone a long time ago and would've been a hell of lot better off financially. But my children are my world and the only good thing that's come out of this relationship. Do you get some sort of perverted pleasure of kicking someone when they're down?

I'm sorry OP you misunderstood my comment. It was not meant to you, but to the poster who suggested you should stay because you're financially comfortable. You have already said this is not your plan. I apologise if this sounded like I called you a freeloader - you're not, your partner has been taking advantage of you.

I'm sorry for misunderstanding your comment. I've had so much hate on this thread from some you'd think I was a mass murderer. I've even shown a lot of the comments to my friend who said "if they knew him they wouldn't be putting this".

Could you work full time for a bit before leaving and save a deposit to buy a small place? There are some 95% mortgages coming back into the market now and that would give you security, something to leave your kids and be cheaper than private let? If you’ve never owned before you’ll also have access to some of the government schemes for first time buyers.

I don't know if I'd even qualify for a mortgage as my credit history is appalling as I'm overdrawn every month. Plus I'm 48, so even if I was to get a 20 year mortgage the repayments would be sky high I would've thought?

It says a lot more about them than you. Don’t worry about faceless, bitter comments on here.
You’ve got a plan. You’ve got much better things to think about xx

You did ALL the housework when you both worked full time before kids. And you still decided to have three kids with him? He's stingy, lazy, selfish, financially abusive and sounds like a complete bell end. I don't think you're asking the right question here (about whether or not to work full time).

I don't know if I'd even qualify for a mortgage as my credit history is appalling as I'm overdrawn every month. Plus I'm 48, so even if I was to get a 20 year mortgage the repayments would be sky high I would've thought?
You might find shared ownership could be an option for you. You could take a smaller mortgage over a shorter timeframe and adjust as your personal finances become stronger.

I know people have bought shared ownership and then either sold and moved to sole ownership or have increased the percentage they own over time.

I get you @Lazym You will of course get SOME posters parping on about how they (and everyone in their social circle ) works full time, does all the home admin and lots of household/domestic tasks - and allocates certain tasks to their dutiful husband/partner. And they manage to be supermum too. Best mum ever, even though they spend hardly any time with their children.

In reality - trying to work full time, when you have children is fucking brutal. Especially if you have been used to being at home/SAHM/part time and are thrust into full time. I was always chasing my tail, and stressed when my 2 were little, and I worked 30 hours, (in a demanding career where I had the same 5 days work as everyone else shoved into less hours!) and had 2 elderly parents. And the guilt you have for not being with your children as much as you want to be is palpable.

As I said, I switched to another (less stressful) job with less hours when they were 5 and 6, and have worked 2-3 days a week since. Will never go back. Will never work full time. Full time work is really shit, unless you are in the very fortunate position of REALLY loving your job, and having very flexible hours... (Most people are not in this position.)

Good luck with whatever you do.

Best advice!

I was very fortunate to be able to be a SAHM even when ours were teens.Teens are very capable of looking after themselves - but it doesn't mean to say that some are happy going back to an empty house. Many teens also like having mums around. Other people's teens came around to our home a lot. It was open house - a place where one young teen felt able to come even when he once got terribly drunk and didn't want to go back to his own house. And for those who say they'd go mad, I was never bored because I did some continuing education etc. Life can be really interesting even if you aren't in paid employment. Having said all that, I'm in awe of anyone who manages a career / full time job while caring for children and or parents.

I’m assuming this was done with your husband or partner fully agreeing, and that you are also fortunate enough that your husband or partner is going to support your retirement since you won’t have a work pension or presumably enough NI paying years to gain full state pension? So a very different situation from the OP.

No one is arguing against being a SAHM. It works for some. What people are pointing out is the risk to women in leaving yourself vulnerable by choosing this path. Yes for some it works brilliantly, with full agreement of their partner, and the children will benefit from this. In other cases, as a quick read of this website will prove, women are left vulnerable and skint with no property, skills, pension, savings or self-esteem, feeling like they have to stay in an unhappy relationship or marriage to preserve their children’s lifestyle.

Your not married coz your partner is clever! And the house being in his name is just good sense since your so lazy and entitled lol

Ok then

Personally I don't think you're lazy and entitled. I think you've kind of blindly swum into this situation and you haven't adequately considered yourself. Your own position.

(If it's any consolation I did something similar years and years ago. Not the same, but similar.)

I do think your partner has been - not clever, as such, but as looked after his own interests first and foremost.

Thank you. I wasn't going to respond to this thread anymore but just thought I'd update.

• I've applied for social housing, which I fully intend to pay the rent for before I get jumped on for being even more of a sponger than I already apparently am. I'm just unable to pay for a 3 bedroom private rental on my own. Social housing was invented for everyone.

• I'm either going to get another part time job or get more hours in a different role with my current company to follow on from my 8am finish time.

• And lastly, I am going to have to speak to partner about what would happen to our kids if anything were to happen to him. I know he's not fussed about what would happen to me but he should be fussed about his own kids.

So I'm trying to move forward but this isn't going to be a quick fix. Thank you to everyone who has made a comment, except a few whose opinion I really could have done without😏

OP honestly I'd be saving like mad and trying to get a shared ownership or similar. I think you've walked blindly into this situation but now you can see the problem there are ways you can make it ok for yourself longer term.