To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

He needs to agree to marriage though and it definitely sounds like he doesn’t want to marry. To be fair he’s never promised Op marriage and she doesn’t want to marry it’s ‘Victorian’
There’s no benefit to him if he marries or registers their civil partnership - he’s got a house, savings, pension.

If you like your current job, why not ask for an increase in hours?

https://www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment

Have you seen Op that you are eligible for bereavement support allowance (widow’s allowance) now if one of you dies. Law was updated in February to include unmarried couples.

It includes a lump sum of £3500 which would pay for your crematorium I wouldn’t prioritise paying for that.

Well done you and @Beezknees for juggling ft work and a child but as @GrinAndVomit said, basically I'm happy and haven't said you NEED to be PT.

To answer your question, I do some taxi-ing of dh and DC because of where we choose to live. I'm guessing you choose to live somewhere else. Congratulations. I also use my days off to do some of the household stuff, washing, cleaning, taking kids to appointments, etc so that we can all have weekends a bit freer. I guess you do it another way. Congratulations.

We don't need to ft salaries and so we choose to have 1 ft and 1 pt and I do family jobs when I'm not at work.

As everyone has said you need to protect yourself and the kids. If you left he’d have to either step up to 50% of the care or pay CMS.

Gosh
A lot of pretty spiteful women on this thread.
l’m not adding anything much to the debate suffice to say l’m wondering if people are a little jealous of the OP’s part time hours?
She’s working bloody unsociable hours 4am/8am have l got that right?
And doing all housework, cooking, cleaning etc which isn’t ‘nothing’
Plus from her children’s ages she’s probably not as young as some of you.
Give her a break and be kinder.

This thread has reminded me why men are still in charge in 2023.

Because women do not support other women and do not support other women's choices.

So much tearing down on this thread.

Hope you are okay op, I think you have been very graceful in the midst of so much criticism.

Hope you take on board to save money for yourself and to work towards making changes in gaining housing, work etc

More importantly, remember that we all make mistakes so don't beat yourself up, you still have time to make changes and you can work towards being happy and financially okay.

Thank you. Irrelevant of my situation, the impression I've got off a lot of posters is -"you're children are out of nappies, go out and get a full time job you lazy git". There are plenty of women who do the same job as me at work,do 12 or 16 hours a week,some a bit older than me, who have adult children who've flown the nest, can drive etc but maybe I'll go in and tell them they're all lazy gits as well, I'll start another thread from hospital!

Thank you, I appreciate it😊

Very good point, as I mentioned a couple of pages back, we're semi rural not in a city, which makes a big difference when neither of your children are at driving age yet.

I could take on an extra shift to up it to 20 hours but still not enough to make much of a difference. So I'm either going to have to get a full time job or another part time.

What would happen if you told him you want to get married? I'd be tempted to push it.

We are getting older, it's problematic for wills, pension next of kin etc not to be.
Check registry office availability and say 'i can get us in three weeks on Thursday'. Take a pragmatic approach. No fuss, just let's get it done for both our benefit (mostly yours but it's harder to say a point blank no if presented like this than 'oh I don't want a fuss, expense etc)
Give him examples like his pension/ death in service. You pay in and if I was your wife and you died I'd get it but as it stands I won't. Seems unfair when you've paid same as colleagues.

If he won't do it then he doesn't care for your future or security and I don't see how you carry on from that.

This thread has reminded me why men are still in charge in 2023.

Because women do not support other women and do not support other women's choices
The problem is women's choices aren't made in a vacuum and the idea that all choices are equal and should be celebrated actually does women harm.

Men seem very clued up on the pros/cons of marriage whilst a lot of women aren't, which leads to a lot of poor decisions being made based on hoping their partner is a good guy.
Society seems to lead women into situations where "it just makes sense" that they get themselves in financially precarious positions or where their long term financial freedom is limited due to choices.
Conveniently this then allows men to progress their careers and women get trapped carrying the domestic load because the men they're with view domestic responsibilities as women's work

Sure we can say things like "but you're already working by doing the stuff around the house, tell him he'd have to get a cleaner and work out the value of your domestic load" but it doesn't change the fact that any woman living in her partner's house with no financial or legal protection is vulnerable. Nobody (male or female) has the right to demand to work part time indefinitely and their partner has to accept it. Until more women are aware how easily they can be screwed over in various situations it's very important people talk about it.

If as women we keep with the narrative that it's totally fine for women to keep being in these situations because anything else is being mean about their choices then women are going to keep getting shafted.

It does seriously concern me that so many women's only plan for financial survival is a man. They're basically signing up to be treated as shittily as he feels inclined, because what are they gonna do about it? If OP's P cheats on her tomorrow, what are her options? Or indeed if he dies. Sod-all private pension so stuck working physical labour until late sixties, no property equity, no savings. Only the tender bosom of the state to fall back on. Is OP even going to be getting full NI credit for state pension now that child benefit won't cover it?

If you make yourself financially dependent on a partner, that partner really really needs to be a spouse. Women have to look further ahead than just "right now we can cover the monthly bills with partner's income", to future splits/deaths/poor health. Nobody can do it for them.

Absolutely this!

Anyone reading this thread, regardless of your situation, sit yourself down and think about how you are raising your kids. Both girls and boys. Of change is needed, like in OPs case, it is not an overnight fix but it can be done.

Does he do half the parenting and household chores? Will he start doing half if you work full-time?

Yep. You don’t have to support choices you disagree with just because it’s another woman making them. I very much value my friends who disagree with me and tell me when they think I’m wrong, especially if it is in my best interests.

Of course YANBU! You might only get paid for a part-time job but you most certainly work full-time!
You brought up the children from when they were small by working these quite demanding hours, and contributed very substantially to the finances of the family.
It makes me sick when people, especially male partners, regard women as 'not working' if they don't have a full-time paid job! Taking care of children, cooking, shopping, planning, washing, etc. are very hard work and require planning skills as well as physical effort. Many women do two jobs, but only get paid for one.
Tell your DH that you are happy where you are and if you have to change your job to please him and go out to work for full-time hours, you will need someone to cover the work you do at home. Present him with a list and how much it will cost to pay someone to do the jobs you currently do during the day. Obviously it will leave you with less money than if you work part time and do them yourself.

I can add that I know others who have been through this and found the same; Unless you have a very high salary, it costs more to be out at work full time and pay for child care and help in the house, than to work part time and not need extra help.

She's doing all the housework as well though and he appears to just do what he likes!

Her message said the hours arne't available.

Don't devalue the work you do at home. If you get a full time job, are you paying a cleaner? Yes your son could get the bus, but that is extra money going out too. The reality is you're a team and need to view it as such!

Dear Lazym
I've tried to go through all the replies you've made and a lot of comments from MN members. Forgive me if I have missed any important facts.

First I want to congratulate you on the 2.30 am rising for work! That is true dedication! You really are brilliant to do that for such a long time.
Next comes to mind your son going by bike 6miles every day on that dangerous road - I wouldn't like that, and completely understand your views. Please don't risk it. Think of the Winter, in the dark , ice, no, it's not a good idea.

Now the very important matter of your security, which is bound up with several matters. You are not the owner of the house according to the mortgage. You do not know whether you are named as a beneficiary on the life insurance which your in-laws hold regarding the mortgage. Your partner is unreasonable, does not help in the home and does not appreciate you, and frankly, cannot be trusted to act fairly concerning your security.

I think you need professional advice concerning your position. The CAB seems the first place to turn to but in my experience they can be hard to contact. It varies according to where you live so please look into it and try and get an appointment to ask for help. Take a list of your worries about your not being secure especially concerning your partner trying to coerce you into taking full time employment. About that - he seems to want you to bring in more money but why? Is it just to benefit him? Use the word 'coerce' please, it makes a difference. I have serious doubts about him more later.
Regarding looking for a FT job, I'd hold on for a while, get some information about your rights first. Start looking for what you can do working from home, preferably part-time.

Regarding your partner, I have close experience of someone similar. So similar it makes the hair stand up on my neck. He would not agree to name me as beneficiary of his pension should he die even though we were married - in his case reluctantly as he was not willing to make his relationship official but I was not willing to have children without being married. I am old so it was a different time then. He said if he left me with children I could go out to work or 'the State could look after them'. He would not even get a new watch strap because he said they were ripping him off so never wore a watch again for 30 years. He would not put me on the deeds of the house. However, we moved and a Solicitor was so shocked, he had to put me on the deeds of the next house. He would not have a joint account, never gave me a penny.

Your partner is not safeguarding you at all.
You must seek advice.

Do not automatically think getting a FT job is the answer. You have been the FT carer of his children and his home at the expense of your own career. If he decides to dump you, this counts in your favour.

Whatever he is like, your future, your retirement, needs to be protected.
Solicitors often give a free half hour consultation. It might be worth looking into.

Please ignore any messages on here about your needing to work FT to demonstrate that women are equal or whatever ideological argument they are making. You are only here to protect yourself, your children, and your individual situation. Just listen to kind people who care about you and want the best for you and who can advise you about aspects of your situation.

Keep your chin up. You are a hard-working, loving mum and you deserve to have a secure and loving home. Let's ensure that this is protected for you. You have worked hard enough for it. Good luck.

Tell your DH that you are happy where you are

There is no DH and she can seek all the advice she wants, she is not entitled to his house, his pension or any other assets of his.

P.s. Sorry, in my first message I wrote "DH" automatically, I know he's your Partner and you said you are not married.

A quick eyeball of your situation does look as though, were you to split up, you would be in an insecure position.

Most of the responses are from Solicitors and some say the following:
"Can we avoid problems?
The best thing you can do to protect yourself is to enter a cohabitation agreement and make a will. For help and advice to do this, please contact ..... [a Solicitor]

My feeling is that your Partner is playing a shady game by not allowing you to officially contribute to the mortgage. However, by your contributing to the family and working for nothing to maintain the family including him, you may be be able to say you have indirectly contributed to the mortgage because you have taken these responsibilities from him, which allowed him to manage the mortgage.

But do go to a Solicitor or the Citizens' Advice Bureau.

By the way, an Aunt of my now late husband, who had lived all her married life in a house owned by her sister, found it was left to her sister's daughter when the sister died. She went to the court and was granted the right to live there for the rest of her life, because she had lived there so long. She had also, for much of the time, raised her sister's child when her sister was away.

I do not see how the above example can differ from you. Should your P decide to split up, surely you would have the right to the home and would still be looking after yours and his daughter. But nothing is guaranteed. It would be best to get your position protected as soon as possible. If he is behaving unreasonably, remember you have rights. Also the early rising for your job has made your hours very long too.

It crossed my mind that being a Lunch Time Helper in a school might fit in with your hours if you do want to work a bit more. But don't over-do things just because he is bullying you, please.