Page 36 | To not work full time?

Lazym · 2023-07-04T10:03:18+00:00

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

AlligatorPsychopath · 07/07/2023 17:52

Ellyess · 07/07/2023 17:41

speluncean
you said, 'It's his house. He could ask her to leave at any time. She has less rights than a lodger."
I am not starting an argument and I'm sure you have good reason for saying this. However, I think her having lived there so long, raised children with him, still looking after them there, having paid into the joint account from which the mortgage is paid, means she has the right to think of it as her home and the children need their mother.
If he told her to leave I think he would be starting a court battle.

But you are absolutely right to show how she cannot take anything for granted and needs to get this sorted out.

I think by being in a long relationship as a couple and having children together, the OP giving up her opportunity to work full time while the children were young and at school, but contributing to the house-owner's ability to live in the house and pay the mortgage by looking after his children and him and the house and for all the monetary contributions she has made to the joint account which pays the mortgage, the partner who does not own the house, i.e. the OP, has demonstrated many rights to occupation of the house she calls her home.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/relationship_breakdown/housing_rights_of_cohabiting_sole_homeowners/occupation_rights_if_one_partner_is_the_sole_owner#title-0

No. She doesn't have any basis to establish an interest in it. It has always been clear, by OP's own admission, that the house is solely her partner's. She hasn't invested anything in it. She has no rights. And no money to mount a legal challenge in any case.

The fact that you think she "deserves" a right to the house doesn't change the law.

Also a hearty whatever at the insurmountable physical challenge of getting up early to work a 4hr shift.

Silkymama · 07/07/2023 17:55

Personally I don’t think you’re being unreasonable if you take into account the unpaid work you probably do within the house.

Who take the children to and from school and other activities every day? Who does the food shopping? Who cleans the house? Who is the default parent in your house who has the mental load of everything too? Who notices when things are running out and remembers to replace them?

It’s all dependent on your personal
situation so I think it’s hard for anyone else to weigh in but it won’t help anyone if you take on a full time job that makes you unhappy and affects your mental health, which then leads to you feeling like you’re drowning in household jobs and trying to keep up with all the things you currently do.

However, I do agree with the people saying that it might be good to consider a full time job for your own financial well-being, but if you do this I would make it clear to your partner you will only be contributing more to the bills if he contributes more to the daily chores and tasks and helps with the children’s needs.

As for people saying your eldest should get himself to and from college, ignore them. I lived in a rural area growing up with only a couple of buses a day and it wasn’t a safe road to cycle/walk on in the winter or the dark. If it wasn’t for the help of my family getting me to college and back every day I wouldn’t have been able to go to university and get the degree I needed to pursue my career - it’s all about the bigger picture and making sure your child gets the future they want, surely that’s part of why we chose to become parents, to watch our children thrive!

speluncean · 07/07/2023 18:02

Ellyess · 07/07/2023 17:41

speluncean
you said, 'It's his house. He could ask her to leave at any time. She has less rights than a lodger."
I am not starting an argument and I'm sure you have good reason for saying this. However, I think her having lived there so long, raised children with him, still looking after them there, having paid into the joint account from which the mortgage is paid, means she has the right to think of it as her home and the children need their mother.
If he told her to leave I think he would be starting a court battle.

But you are absolutely right to show how she cannot take anything for granted and needs to get this sorted out.

I think by being in a long relationship as a couple and having children together, the OP giving up her opportunity to work full time while the children were young and at school, but contributing to the house-owner's ability to live in the house and pay the mortgage by looking after his children and him and the house and for all the monetary contributions she has made to the joint account which pays the mortgage, the partner who does not own the house, i.e. the OP, has demonstrated many rights to occupation of the house she calls her home.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/relationship_breakdown/housing_rights_of_cohabiting_sole_homeowners/occupation_rights_if_one_partner_is_the_sole_owner#title-0

Unfortunately what you think is not the law.

I'm not arguing. I'm simply stating the legal position.

Her partner is a shit. But posting all kinds of crap about what you think she should be entitled to isn't helpful.

speluncean · 07/07/2023 18:04

The op does not meet the criteria to establish a beneficial trust.

Her partner specifically told her that none of her money was being used to pay the mortgage.

He has been very clear and protected his own interests.

GC1 · 07/07/2023 18:05

Maybe your husband is sick of being in the just getting by stage! Ever thought of that? You really need to work as a team member not only think of yourself. This seems very one sided. Maybe it'd be nice to start doing lavish holidays or lighten the loads from him financially. Maybe he'd like to take up a new hobby but doesn't feel he has the time or money.... you do! Maybe he's sick of settling. There will be more to this than money as you claim. I thunk you need to speak to your husband and actually listen. Very selfish I feel!

speluncean · 07/07/2023 18:05

Puggiemummy · 07/07/2023 17:17

If your children are his etc then half the family home is yours too regardless of whos name is on the mortgage

This is completely wrong.

Original poster

Lazym · 07/07/2023 18:40

MrTiddlesTheCat · 07/07/2023 10:00

Does he do half the parenting and household chores? Will he start doing half if you work full-time?

Only cuts the grass really, parenting is and has always been I'd say 80/20.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lazym · 07/07/2023 18:48

Ellyess · 07/07/2023 14:56

Dear Lazym
I've tried to go through all the replies you've made and a lot of comments from MN members. Forgive me if I have missed any important facts.

First I want to congratulate you on the 2.30 am rising for work! That is true dedication! You really are brilliant to do that for such a long time.
Next comes to mind your son going by bike 6miles every day on that dangerous road - I wouldn't like that, and completely understand your views. Please don't risk it. Think of the Winter, in the dark , ice, no, it's not a good idea.

Now the very important matter of your security, which is bound up with several matters. You are not the owner of the house according to the mortgage. You do not know whether you are named as a beneficiary on the life insurance which your in-laws hold regarding the mortgage. Your partner is unreasonable, does not help in the home and does not appreciate you, and frankly, cannot be trusted to act fairly concerning your security.

I think you need professional advice concerning your position. The CAB seems the first place to turn to but in my experience they can be hard to contact. It varies according to where you live so please look into it and try and get an appointment to ask for help. Take a list of your worries about your not being secure especially concerning your partner trying to coerce you into taking full time employment. About that - he seems to want you to bring in more money but why? Is it just to benefit him? Use the word 'coerce' please, it makes a difference. I have serious doubts about him more later.
Regarding looking for a FT job, I'd hold on for a while, get some information about your rights first. Start looking for what you can do working from home, preferably part-time.

Regarding your partner, I have close experience of someone similar. So similar it makes the hair stand up on my neck. He would not agree to name me as beneficiary of his pension should he die even though we were married - in his case reluctantly as he was not willing to make his relationship official but I was not willing to have children without being married. I am old so it was a different time then. He said if he left me with children I could go out to work or 'the State could look after them'. He would not even get a new watch strap because he said they were ripping him off so never wore a watch again for 30 years. He would not put me on the deeds of the house. However, we moved and a Solicitor was so shocked, he had to put me on the deeds of the next house. He would not have a joint account, never gave me a penny.

Your partner is not safeguarding you at all.
You must seek advice.

Do not automatically think getting a FT job is the answer. You have been the FT carer of his children and his home at the expense of your own career. If he decides to dump you, this counts in your favour.

Whatever he is like, your future, your retirement, needs to be protected.
Solicitors often give a free half hour consultation. It might be worth looking into.

Please ignore any messages on here about your needing to work FT to demonstrate that women are equal or whatever ideological argument they are making. You are only here to protect yourself, your children, and your individual situation. Just listen to kind people who care about you and want the best for you and who can advise you about aspects of your situation.

Keep your chin up. You are a hard-working, loving mum and you deserve to have a secure and loving home. Let's ensure that this is protected for you. You have worked hard enough for it. Good luck.

Thank you for your comment. Another poster also mentioned the free solicitor advice, which I was unaware of, I will look into this more.

OP posts:

Dixiechickonhols · 07/07/2023 19:15

I’d never dissuade anyone from seeking independent legal advice but please don’t get your hopes up Op.
You’ve already had the ‘free 30 mins’ type legal advice on here. I’m a Solicitor and suspect some other posters are legally qualified too.

Original poster

Lazym · 07/07/2023 19:21

GC1 · 07/07/2023 18:05

Maybe your husband is sick of being in the just getting by stage! Ever thought of that? You really need to work as a team member not only think of yourself. This seems very one sided. Maybe it'd be nice to start doing lavish holidays or lighten the loads from him financially. Maybe he'd like to take up a new hobby but doesn't feel he has the time or money.... you do! Maybe he's sick of settling. There will be more to this than money as you claim. I thunk you need to speak to your husband and actually listen. Very selfish I feel!

I think if you took the time and read ALL of my responses to say my poor hard done by fella has no time or money for hobbies, that's really quite laughable. HE is the one with thousands in his bank account and HE is the one who since my kids were babies has swanned off on holidays on his own, scooter rallies, fishing, band practice and gigs, brought himself numerous guitars, scooters, fishing equipment and god knows what else while I've been left to pay for the majority of OUR children's things and left to care for them while he does these things. Honestly, out of the amount of nasty responses I've had on here yours has really wound me up. How dare you call me selfish for that unfounded and untrue comment. And fyi it IS all about the money with him!

OP posts:

PurpleButterflyWings · 07/07/2023 19:33

@Lazym

I think if you took the time and read ALL of my responses to say my poor hard done by fella has no time or money for hobbies, that's really quite laughable. HE is the one with thousands in his bank account and HE is the one who since my kids were babies has swanned off on holidays on his own, scooter rallies, fishing, band practice and gigs, brought himself numerous guitars, scooters, fishing equipment and god knows what else while I've been left to pay for the majority of OUR children's things and left to care for them while he does these things.

Honestly, out of the amount of nasty responses I've had on here yours has really wound me up. How dare you call me selfish for that unfounded and untrue comment. And fyi it IS all about the money with him!

FGS, if he is THIS bad - and he sounds horrendous from what you say there - ^ why on EARTH are you still with him? What on earth are you getting from this relationship? You'd be better off alone/without him tbh.

Luxell934 · 07/07/2023 19:39

Lazym · 07/07/2023 19:21

I think if you took the time and read ALL of my responses to say my poor hard done by fella has no time or money for hobbies, that's really quite laughable. HE is the one with thousands in his bank account and HE is the one who since my kids were babies has swanned off on holidays on his own, scooter rallies, fishing, band practice and gigs, brought himself numerous guitars, scooters, fishing equipment and god knows what else while I've been left to pay for the majority of OUR children's things and left to care for them while he does these things. Honestly, out of the amount of nasty responses I've had on here yours has really wound me up. How dare you call me selfish for that unfounded and untrue comment. And fyi it IS all about the money with him!

Show quote history

Why are you still with this man??? Each time you post it gets worse and worse. But you didn't start this thread because of how mean your partner is, you started it because you don't want to work full time so I guess your perfectly happy with things how they are if you don't have to work full time?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/07/2023 19:41

LolaSmiles · 07/07/2023 16:33

speluncean
I agree with you and it shows that it's yet another situation where a man has got himself clued up.

It's not accidental that so many men are happy to keep the house in their name, have their partner pay to living costs but not the mortgage, happy for a partner to stay home or go part time etc. There's dozens, probably tens of dozens, of threads with this pattern (see also marriage is just a piece of paper, he's a good guy and said me and DC can stay in the house if anything happens, he was burnt by an ex/his friends were shafted aka had a fair divorce settlement so he doesn't want to ...., he wants to wait for the right time to propose, we're engaged but we need to wait until the ever moving goalposts happen to actually do the legal part, and financially vulnerable women saying ignore the smug marrieds, me and DP have been together 17 years and we have friends who divorced after 3 years)

Sometimes I think there should be a thread pinned on the relationships board giving clear legal information or signposting women to legal information on this so they can go into whatever arrangement suits them being informed.

So true.

Time after time after time, women walk right into these horrid situations.

Sissynova · 07/07/2023 19:43

Lazym · 07/07/2023 19:21

I think if you took the time and read ALL of my responses to say my poor hard done by fella has no time or money for hobbies, that's really quite laughable. HE is the one with thousands in his bank account and HE is the one who since my kids were babies has swanned off on holidays on his own, scooter rallies, fishing, band practice and gigs, brought himself numerous guitars, scooters, fishing equipment and god knows what else while I've been left to pay for the majority of OUR children's things and left to care for them while he does these things. Honestly, out of the amount of nasty responses I've had on here yours has really wound me up. How dare you call me selfish for that unfounded and untrue comment. And fyi it IS all about the money with him!

Show quote history

I’m not sure what you want from this? Your OP was basically ‘my partner wants me to work more and I don’t want to - is this fair?’
Now he has apparently been awful for 20 years, has never lifted a finger, hides all the money, and yet your OP was all about wanting to continue to work in a limited capacity which only further ties you to a man you now say you hate?
And you moan about all the free time he has when he ‘swans off’ to do thing but do you not have 6/7 free hours every day when your kids are in school? You could do whatever you like then too.

Original poster

Lazym · 07/07/2023 19:44

PurpleButterflyWings · 07/07/2023 19:33

@Lazym

I think if you took the time and read ALL of my responses to say my poor hard done by fella has no time or money for hobbies, that's really quite laughable. HE is the one with thousands in his bank account and HE is the one who since my kids were babies has swanned off on holidays on his own, scooter rallies, fishing, band practice and gigs, brought himself numerous guitars, scooters, fishing equipment and god knows what else while I've been left to pay for the majority of OUR children's things and left to care for them while he does these things.

Honestly, out of the amount of nasty responses I've had on here yours has really wound me up. How dare you call me selfish for that unfounded and untrue comment. And fyi it IS all about the money with him!

FGS, if he is THIS bad - and he sounds horrendous from what you say there - ^ why on EARTH are you still with him? What on earth are you getting from this relationship? You'd be better off alone/without him tbh.

I know this, but I still have my children to consider.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lazym · 07/07/2023 19:49

Luxell934 · 07/07/2023 19:39

Why are you still with this man??? Each time you post it gets worse and worse. But you didn't start this thread because of how mean your partner is, you started it because you don't want to work full time so I guess your perfectly happy with things how they are if you don't have to work full time?

Show quote history

I put this in response to a comment that states that he has no money or hobbies which is blatantly untrue.

OP posts:

G5000 · 07/07/2023 19:55

Out of interest then how do you manage these appointments working FT when the appointments are always between 9 & 3.30pm?

One or the other parent takes annual leave if you have no flexitime. Or in case of teenagers, they really don't need a parent to take them and hold their hand to get braces adjusted, someone else can do it if you really have no options.
I guess if you have plenty of free time then you fill it and it is really hard to imagine how it's possible to fit more things in - I have a friend who said she can't possibly work full time, she does her grocery shopping on Wednesdays, how on earth is she supposed to manage that otherwise?

AlligatorPsychopath · 07/07/2023 20:04

G5000 · 07/07/2023 19:55

Out of interest then how do you manage these appointments working FT when the appointments are always between 9 & 3.30pm?

One or the other parent takes annual leave if you have no flexitime. Or in case of teenagers, they really don't need a parent to take them and hold their hand to get braces adjusted, someone else can do it if you really have no options.
I guess if you have plenty of free time then you fill it and it is really hard to imagine how it's possible to fit more things in - I have a friend who said she can't possibly work full time, she does her grocery shopping on Wednesdays, how on earth is she supposed to manage that otherwise?

I agree. It's very clear with some posts of SAHMs or very PT parents of older children that tasks have dilated generously to fill the available time. I vividly remember the SAHM who listed among the reasons she couldn't work, that "the online shop arrives on Wednesday and needs put away".

TheMagicDeckchair · 07/07/2023 20:23

I don’t think you are lazy OP, but your updates suggest that you’re very financially vulnerable in your current situation. It also seems that you haven’t had people in your life to provide you with advice or looking out for your best interests.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to get some sensible advice here and can take steps towards protecting yourself going forward. You still have time to make changes for your future.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Original poster

Lazym · 07/07/2023 20:28

TheMagicDeckchair · 07/07/2023 20:23

I don’t think you are lazy OP, but your updates suggest that you’re very financially vulnerable in your current situation. It also seems that you haven’t had people in your life to provide you with advice or looking out for your best interests.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to get some sensible advice here and can take steps towards protecting yourself going forward. You still have time to make changes for your future.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Thank you for your response, I needed to read something a bit more charitable after a comment I read earlier. I've calmed down now!👌

OP posts:

Sissynova · 07/07/2023 20:32

Have you discussed any of this with your partner since starting your thread?

Original poster

Lazym · 07/07/2023 20:57

Sissynova · 07/07/2023 20:32

Have you discussed any of this with your partner since starting your thread?

No, I haven't and you're probably going to shoot me down for that as well. I can't reason with him because he's never wrong. In the words of my friend who tried to speak some sense into him about the health and deterioration of our dog - "you can't talk to him". I've come to the conclusion I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, so I've got to do something about it and working more hours will be a start which completely contradicts my op, I know. I think reading many responses on here has made me see the light. But it's not going to magically happen overnight.

OP posts:

Shortstufflady · 07/07/2023 21:06

100% agree with this. Op has been paying in, both financially and by bringing up his children. If I were her I would be photocopying, timelining and documenting everything and go to citizens advice or a solicitor. I would do it now whilst the children are still under 18 and in full time education.

76evie · 07/07/2023 21:12

Do you currently do all the household roles like cleaning, shopping and cooking, in addition to part time work? If you do, is your partner willing to step up and take on half them roles if you go out to work full time.?

Original poster

Lazym · 07/07/2023 21:23

As I posted a few pages back I do all the cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, shopping, beds, bathrooms etc and I also did this when we both worked full time, pre kids, so it's highly unlikely he'll do half now.

OP posts: