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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance

176 replies

MaxwellCat · 03/07/2023 23:48

Seem to have had this misfortune of joining a fathers for justice maintenance page (I thought it was for general advice boy was I wrong) and it disgusted me how many men think that fathers shouldn't have to pay for their kids if they don't want to. I was asking for advice on my situation as haven't had a maintenance payment in almost 7 years now, but apparently I should leave him alone as I'm "only hurting myself" and if he won't pay willingly I should accept that and move on and also loads of suicides are down to men having to pay child maintenance?! For having to pay for your own children?! They claimed loads of suicides are down to cm. Aibu to want to pursue this even more now as these comments have really annoyed me why on earth shouldn't I try to get what my kids are owed?

OP posts:
Beezknees · 07/07/2023 11:53

vivainsomnia · 07/07/2023 10:00

There are all kind of scenarios. Single mum, gets no maintenance from dad, works all hours, not entitled to any help, pays 100% of children costs.

Mum doesn't work, dad doesn't pay a penny, children are 100% funded by tax payers.

Mum doesn't work, claims benefit, dad pays large amount of childcare that doesn't count towards benefit entitlement, mum does very well.

Why would dad be paying childcare if mum isn't working?

Beezknees · 07/07/2023 11:54

Pinklagoon · 07/07/2023 10:43

I see your reading comprehension is not all that great, since when have mothers not also been NRP`s?

I can assure you my children have not suffered in the slightest, they live in a very wealth neighbourhood with their RP vindictive father and his new wealthy partner. Mean while i have done what i have to provide for myself keep myself of the streets and build myself a better future so I can provide.

Please take your stereotyping some where else.

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Doesn't matter a jot if he has a wealthy partner. You still have a financial responsibility towards your children.

Beezknees · 07/07/2023 11:58

Makemyday99 · 07/07/2023 11:12

This is a contentious one. I agree in principle that any non resident parent should contribute to the cost of raising their children but not at the expense of their own quality of life or their family’s. Eg if a person is having to pay an amount that leaves them in a position that they struggle to house themselves, or run a vehicle or pay for public transportation to get to work or to heat a home or feed another family then that is absolutely unfair to expect & I wholeheartedly disagree with that, problem is that many parents (mostly women) seem to believe that they are entitled to live as they were when they were with that partner & that’s totally unrealistic unless of course you’re happy to agree to spilt residency, most women are not so you cannot have it all your way

Nobody should be having another family if they can't provide for the children they already have. That goes for both RPs and NRPs, I only have one child myself for that reason.

Pinklagoon · 07/07/2023 11:58

@Beezknees You are not my target audience, so I have zero interest in what you think. have a nice day, don't worry I`ll be ignoring and scrolling past all your future replies. 😁

Beezknees · 07/07/2023 12:00

Pinklagoon · 07/07/2023 11:58

@Beezknees You are not my target audience, so I have zero interest in what you think. have a nice day, don't worry I`ll be ignoring and scrolling past all your future replies. 😁

Sure thing. Terrible name changing job by the way, using 2 different usernames to agree with yourself.

Makemyday99 · 07/07/2023 12:01

This reply has been deleted

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Beezknees · 07/07/2023 12:10

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And most men couldn't afford to support their children without taxpayer help either if they were RP. It just so happens that it usually falls on women to be RP. I know one man who is a RP and he doesn’t work and claims benefits.

Ylvamoon · 07/07/2023 12:18

This reply has been deleted

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... and non paying fathers relay on the fact that the taxpayer will pick up the bill.

Makemyday99 · 07/07/2023 12:20

women often use the children & money as a means to get back at their ex’s. My cousin (female) split up with her partner of 12 years, he’s a successful businessman & has a high salary, she wanted the life she had when they were together whilst she worked 16 hours a week with 2 teenage boys, constantly claiming she’s gonna take him to the cleaners & claim benefit & she’ll be able to pay her credit card with his maintenance. She refused him 50/50 residency..so he played her at her own game, paid himself a ridiculously feeble salary, employed his new partner with ridiculously high salary & paid a huge amount into his pension monthly, my cousin ended up with f all in maintenance & her ex now stay with their Dad 50% of time. I’m glad she got what she deserved after behaving life an entitled dick

Beezknees · 07/07/2023 12:20

Ylvamoon · 07/07/2023 12:18

... and non paying fathers relay on the fact that the taxpayer will pick up the bill.

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Yep. They used to deduct benefits if you got child maintenance but they stopped that because the bloody men were so shit at paying. If they actually forced them to pay what they should, then we could have less reliance on benefits.

Beezknees · 07/07/2023 12:24

Makemyday99 · 07/07/2023 12:20

women often use the children & money as a means to get back at their ex’s. My cousin (female) split up with her partner of 12 years, he’s a successful businessman & has a high salary, she wanted the life she had when they were together whilst she worked 16 hours a week with 2 teenage boys, constantly claiming she’s gonna take him to the cleaners & claim benefit & she’ll be able to pay her credit card with his maintenance. She refused him 50/50 residency..so he played her at her own game, paid himself a ridiculously feeble salary, employed his new partner with ridiculously high salary & paid a huge amount into his pension monthly, my cousin ended up with f all in maintenance & her ex now stay with their Dad 50% of time. I’m glad she got what she deserved after behaving life an entitled dick

Bollocks. They do not "often" do that at all. One scenario does not mean it is common. Look at the poverty statistics and you will see it is single mothers who suffer the most. NRPs are not suffering.

And I bet your cousin did most of the childcare while the kids were young to allow her partner to run his successful business.

Pinklagoon · 07/07/2023 12:24

@Makemyday99 No point arguing with militant people that inhabit forums like this. They judge their success by surrounding themselves in a echo chamber, but what they seem not to realise as with most voting in the country the majority are usually the silent ones. 😁

Makemyday99 · 07/07/2023 12:40

Beezknees · 07/07/2023 12:24

Bollocks. They do not "often" do that at all. One scenario does not mean it is common. Look at the poverty statistics and you will see it is single mothers who suffer the most. NRPs are not suffering.

And I bet your cousin did most of the childcare while the kids were young to allow her partner to run his successful business.

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This is not an isolated incident it’s far more common than not, I see it all the time, entitled bitter angry mothers who are happy to ponce off of the taxpayer without contributing a penny in tax themselves.

Beezknees · 07/07/2023 12:42

Makemyday99 · 07/07/2023 12:40

This is not an isolated incident it’s far more common than not, I see it all the time, entitled bitter angry mothers who are happy to ponce off of the taxpayer without contributing a penny in tax themselves.

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Of course you do. 😂

You're definitely either a NRP or the partner of one. Arguing against paying for children you helped create is so low. It makes absolutely no difference if someone claims benefits or not, it does not absolve the NRP of financial responsibility.

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/07/2023 12:52

Beezknees · 07/07/2023 12:00

Sure thing. Terrible name changing job by the way, using 2 different usernames to agree with yourself.

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It's hilarious 😂

Beezknees · 07/07/2023 12:54

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/07/2023 12:52

It's hilarious 😂

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Possibly even 3 judging by the other posts 😂

Pinklagoon · 07/07/2023 13:00

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/07/2023 12:52

It's hilarious 😂

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Typical woke tactic I see, if you cant win ridicule and make up shit. Sorry you wont shut me down and you wont change anything I do apart from ignoring from now on and your poor attempts at ridicule. 😁

Makemyday99 · 07/07/2023 13:05

Beezknees · 07/07/2023 12:42

Of course you do. 😂

You're definitely either a NRP or the partner of one. Arguing against paying for children you helped create is so low. It makes absolutely no difference if someone claims benefits or not, it does not absolve the NRP of financial responsibility.

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Nope happily married for years with 3 adult children now. So you definitely don’t know what my lifestyle is

vivainsomnia · 07/07/2023 13:21

Why would dad be paying childcare if mum isn't working?
I have no idea why I wrote childcare when I meant maintenance!

As someone posted above, RPs are entitled to help on the basis of having children that automatically assumes no maintenance is paid, so therefore not leaving RPs destitute. I think those who struggle the most without maintenance are those whose income is just above the max to claim anything and live in an expensive area without support.

By the time my kids were in school, I earned to much for help with childcare but still had to pay almost £400 a month for morning and afternoon clubs as my job relocated over 1h away, and that's no counting holidays. That plus travel costs made me probably worse off than many single mum on benefits who got a good load of maintenance.

The difference though was when they started secondary and didn't need to pay any childcare any longer and more importantly when they stopped college, and it made no difference to me at all financially.

Frogpond · 07/07/2023 13:27

Pinklagoon · 06/07/2023 19:18

I'm amazed at some of the vile attitudes of some mothers on this thread to the death of another human being over money.

My advice to any fathers or mothers in this situation that feels as though they are being persecuted by the CMS and has to deal with heartless mothers like this. Go back to full time education, retain get a student loan and go back to university, get a degree, do a masters, get a PHD and then you will have a ZERO assessment from the CMS.

You will get to improve your life and make a good income after and by this time hopefully the spiteful mothers have either backed off or the CMS is no longer owed. Good luck to you all.

😊

Yes run up a huge debt, spend years studying and dodge maintenance payments. You can look at pictures of your degrees on the walls of the box room you are renting in a share house when you retire because you have no pension. Your kids are happy to let you live in poverty, returning the favour you inflicted on them during childhood. Maybe your ex wife will send you a post card from your daughters destination wedding you weren’t invited to, where her step father walked her down the aisle. But sit smugly in the broken rocking chair knowing you won. You didn’t pay a cent to your ex wife.
😊

Pinklagoon · 07/07/2023 13:50

Frogpond · 07/07/2023 13:27

Yes run up a huge debt, spend years studying and dodge maintenance payments. You can look at pictures of your degrees on the walls of the box room you are renting in a share house when you retire because you have no pension. Your kids are happy to let you live in poverty, returning the favour you inflicted on them during childhood. Maybe your ex wife will send you a post card from your daughters destination wedding you weren’t invited to, where her step father walked her down the aisle. But sit smugly in the broken rocking chair knowing you won. You didn’t pay a cent to your ex wife.
😊

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Oh there is so much in your post I could sarcastically rip to pieces but I wont. FYI I was a NR Mother, I have no ex-wife.

Secondly I did go to university and now I own my own home and have a fantastic income. Going to university gave me purpose at my lowest and accommodation thrown in. My children do understand what I did and why and there is no issue there.

What is most ironic most of the people complaining about people like me are most likely benefiting from my 45p tax rate to support their children in benefits. 😂

Happyinmyowncompany · 07/07/2023 14:30

Beezknees · 07/07/2023 11:58

Nobody should be having another family if they can't provide for the children they already have. That goes for both RPs and NRPs, I only have one child myself for that reason.

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This.

Gytgyt · 07/07/2023 14:51

Pinklagoon · 07/07/2023 09:51

Yes I do and I like how you immediately claim I'm helping shit dads. I'm a non resident mother assisting other mothers who may be in my situation and if that included dads so be it. But thanks for asking and its none of your business whom I help.

Take your anger out at our shitty legal system and CMS with all its faults and people like me would not exist.

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Non resident mother....... I don't know why anybody is still responding to @Pinklagoon.

Gytgyt · 07/07/2023 14:52

@Beezknees absolutely agree. Unpopular opinion but its true!