Child maintenance

[MaxwellCat]

Seem to have had this misfortune of joining a fathers for justice maintenance page (I thought it was for general advice boy was I wrong) and it disgusted me how many men think that fathers shouldn't have to pay for their kids if they don't want to. I was asking for advice on my situation as haven't had a maintenance payment in almost 7 years now, but apparently I should leave him alone as I'm "only hurting myself" and if he won't pay willingly I should accept that and move on and also loads of suicides are down to men having to pay child maintenance?! For having to pay for your own children?! They claimed loads of suicides are down to cm. Aibu to want to pursue this even more now as these comments have really annoyed me why on earth shouldn't I try to get what my kids are owed?

Woahhhh did you actually just tar us all with the same brush? I think it's you who is idiotic. Me and DS dad share one child together.... he recently has decided to go self employed and yes he's climbed the ladder and was and still is a working professional it means fuck all though in terms of your personal life. Plenty of high flyers or decent earners behave professional at work and don't pay fairly for their child. You can believe it even those who just have 1 child!! It happens I'm a prime example!

Yes I'm a prime example. Like I have pointed out to you. Dad can do more overnight stays. I've never been married to DS dad so that scenario is still the same outcome. I'm sorry but my child needs shoes, clothes, I've got to pay my bills pardon me for coming across as harsh but his dad doesn't worry about the pressure I hold when I'm juggling 13 weeks of childcare and he covers a mere 3 per week all year round. You reap what you sow I'm sorry.

I see there's a menz right activist on this thread. Encountering this sort in the wild is never pleasant.

YANBU, OP (obviously).

Would you like to name them, I have seen none?

Yes I'm a prime example. Like I have pointed out to you. Dad can do more overnight stays. I've never been married to DS dad so that scenario is still the same outcome. I'm sorry but my child needs shoes, clothes, I've got to pay my bills pardon me for coming across as harsh but his dad doesn't worry about the pressure I hold when I'm juggling 13 weeks of childcare and he covers a mere 3 per week all year round. You reap what you sow I'm sorry.

Indeed. I feel sorry for you, I also feel sorry for dad's stretched thin in these situations. As I said, empathy for all, there are all kinds of different circumstances and it can be hard on both sides.

What advice were you/are you looking for? He is playing the system but doing it following the rules. There is nothing anyone can else can do about it.

I expect you went on the forum looking for an answer and not accepting that there was nothing they could advice and therefore, for your sanity, it was better to move on. Seems proper advice to me.

It's what I did when my ex decided to pay nothing. At least I wasn't without maintenance, but not full of anger, resentment and bitterness, so had more energy to use purposely on my kids.

@niceandspicynight I'm so sorry about your friend and that the OP was worded in a way that upset you.

CMS is a bill, like any other. It becomes a debt if it isn't paid. That debt can mount up, and like that man in the article you linked, can become overwhelming and yes, sometimes people can't cope with the stress.

So what do we do? Ignore a father's obligation to pay because they 'might' get stressed about it and commit suicide? That's the message OP got on the other forum. Are mortgage lenders, credit card companies, utility companies everywhere just gonna write off debts because someone 'might' commit suicide?

The culture in this country is such that men think they can wriggle out of paying. It should be treated like any of the above bills. And suicide should absolutely not be used as a threat to let them off paying.

Living as a single person is much cheaper because you can increase your earnings. Unlike mum who is limited and has to foot the bill for childcare I suspect you want to bypass that though. Poor dads who are stretched thin CMS don't leave anybody destitute.

Living as a single person is much cheaper because you can increase your earnings. Unlike mum who is limited and has to foot the bill for childcare I suspect you want to bypass that though. Poor dads who are stretched thin CMS don't leave anybody destitute.

No, I don't want to bypass that. You don't need to keep trying to force a narrative where I sympathise with the men and not the women, it's not the case. Loss of earning potential is tough, so are skyrocketing mortgage prices. Separating can be tough all around financially.

There should be legal mechanism to close the loophole where parents can claim self employment / not working / hide earnings so they don't have to pay - if it was the other way around and affected men more than it does women you get it would have been sorted by now

Not sure what the answer is really.

There are ways CMS can deal with unearned income so could deal with a lot of the cases - it just takes effort and they are reluctant to bother (I worked there very briefly).

Have any of these blokes throught if they were actively engaged in their kids lives, did 50:50 care and paid their share of uniforms/clothes and activities then there wouldn't need to pay child maintenance???

You are bypassing though. Your enabling these men also because its been said below also. Regarding 50/50 shared care.
Ignorance is bliss

Exactly 💯

My apologies, your friend makes two. I mean, you haven’t actually provided any evidence but I’ll take your word for it. So that’s two out of many thousands of feckless dads.

My sympathy remains with the kids living in poverty because their fathers don’t care enough to support them.

You are bypassing though. Your enabling these men also because its been said below also. Regarding 50/50 shared care.
Ignorance is bliss

I'm not bypassing it, I'm just commenting on something else. MN already has a lot of sympathy for women in that position. I'm not enabling anything either purely by just having empathy for the fact that it can be hard for people in both positions.

🙄
It's disgraceful OP and it doesn't help that CMS is so shit.
There's far far more women and kids that go without compared to men commiting suicide believe me. Imagine being in such mental anguish because you are expected to pay a (paltry) amount to the upkeep of the children you created. These poor menz.
Alas, there's many men and women out there who think financial responsibility lies with mum. It's a tough mentality to break.

Hi Sparklfairy, I have no objection to to mothers seeking payment from absent fathers. But the simple fact is that the CMS is not only not fit for purpose that includes mothers and fathers.

I blame the CMS, for their numerous faults and scandalous decisions and actions that results in the deaths of human beings. A quick fact for those who have tried to shout me down absent mothers also have committed suicide at the hands of the CMS but in far smaller numbers.

This is not black and white and any one who thinks that the effects CMS causing people to commit suicide, is just deserved over money they deserve all they get, even if it means nothing. I'm sure these children will be thrilled that their fathers took their own lives due to the CMS, even if they failed to pay.

May be many of these posters quoting me should step back from their vindictive personal circumstances and consider the desperation of a human to commit suicide is not something to be celebrated.

The fact is that the way the CMS works and has conducted itself in the past is disgustingly broken. Not every father whom has committed suicide was a bad person or father.

If he rents out a property he'll have to be a registered landlord and also submit a tax return. So cms should have access to that. If he's not declaring then he's breaking the law, report him.

@aSofaNearYou I think you made a tactical error in speaking up for Dads who are actually involved in their child's life and therefore have to provide a home for them, too.
People on this thread have the absent non-paying fuckers in mind and no matter what you say they won't hear about the proper dads.
It always annoys me that it's made out that money has to be spent by mum to count as money spent on the child.
But not as much as these scumbags who actually don't believe they have any obligations to their own children.

It's absolutely disgusting behaviour that a father feels he shouldn't pay child maintenance to his biological child but will happily pay for next man's children... Mine pays £30.43 a month! Sees our son once every 2 weeks for 3hours

What do you mean what advice am i looking for? My ex is renting out rooms in his flat and earning enough that he hasnt worked in 7 years, i was asking HOW i can get cms to look into this income as he is not declaring it. The GROUP brought up suicide to guilt trip me into not claiming.

Follow what I said earlier in the thread

Unearned income can be used - you just need to push CMS into it

He does NOT see our children. He is not providing anything for them not even a home as he would rather rent his home out.

Thats what i was asking thank you, that poster is implying i just went on there to start an argument.