Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's eaten before our date

355 replies

waitingforautumn · 03/07/2023 17:04

Not a first date, several in. He was supposed to be taking me out tonight but he's messaged during the day to say that he's got a load of leftovers in that he needs to eat so he will eat first (before a walk/drink in his area). I'm the one who's travelling to see him and would need to spend on a taxi home given our locations. I don't expect dinner on him or anything, I always split bills, but it would be nice if we could enjoy some food and drink together after this walk! I can appreciate that if his housemates are in this eve it might not be easy to switch to having a night in, so I won't question that - however if it were me I would let the leftovers sit and find something we could eat/drink together!! AIBU that this has p'd me off? I feel a bit deflated as was excited to see him. Why eat first like it's some sort of job? Knowing your date won't have eaten after a day at work?!

Last date was a gig that he arranged so we didn't have food then either but it was fine as could bring snacks etc and went for a drink after. Would have been nice for dinner to have been factored in. He does seem to be a fan of chilled dates like food markets/picnics, helps that it is summer. But it would be nice for things to be a bit more planned. I feel bad suggesting dinners in case it's a money thing. But being early days it's nice to go out and feel like you're being spoilt a bit?! Maybe I'm just grumpy because it's Monday and I didn't enjoy the lunch I had a few hrs ago!! What's your take?

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 03/07/2023 18:14

Had you previously agreed that you'd be having dinner together? Or did you just assume that would be the arrangement (I mean, to me that would be a totally reasonable assumption - but some people are less keen on eating out than I am and wouldn't see it that way at all).

And have you actually said "Well, I'm travelling to see you straight after work so I won't have time to eat anything - could you save the leftovers for tomorrow so we can go somewhere for food together?" Again, it's ridiculous that he would need to have this pointed out to him, but if he's been single for a while he might be at that stage of having forgotten what it's like to factor in another person's routine.

I'm being charitable to him here, obviously... in reality if a boyfriend said they couldn't go out for dinner because they had leftovers that they 'needed' to eat I would think they were being really inflexible and dull. In general, I find it off-putting when people are unenthusiastic about going out to eat. But I would still certainly have a conversation with him about it, rather than just being silently disappointed.

He may well have no idea that is something that's important to you, especially if so far you've agreed to walks and picnics and things. Or maybe he is skint, which case you could say 'Doesn't have to be a posh three course dinner - we could just go to a pizza place or get something to eat in the pub, and obviously we'd split the bill' to test the water. So basically I can totally see why you're miffed but I also think further conversation in a low-key way might help to clarify his stance on dinners!

oviraptor21 · 03/07/2023 18:15

PrincessofWellies · 03/07/2023 18:08

Blimey, you lot. Grab a wrap or sandwich on the way 🙄

This.
I'd message him to say you need to sort out your food first (whether that be going home for it or picking up something on the way) and you'll be along later.
Surprised at the pp that wouldn't want to go for a walk and a drink either. Sounds great to me.
(All above assuming there are no red flags or obvious incompatibilities.)

ColdHandsHotHead · 03/07/2023 18:15

"I'm broke and I'm sure you'll be hungry. Do you mind if we just grab a burger?"

Not that hard.

notforonesecond · 03/07/2023 18:15

All that matters here is if you still want to meet up with him. If you do, grab something on the way and see how it goes.

If it’s put you off, that’s fine. Cancel. Do something more fun. Tell him you’re going out for dinner instead and see if he’s bothered enough to suggest a better date another time.

Or don’t. Sack him off completely if you want.

We don’t have to pussyfoot around men to make them like us. The early days of dating are not there for you to get the guy to like you, you’re meant to be deciding if you like him.

BlondeFool · 03/07/2023 18:16

A walk? Where are you? It's grey and windy in London.

Sounds very low effort from him.

Onthelow · 03/07/2023 18:16

You’ve got to get a taxi home from a walk? And I do think it’s a bit off to say he will be eating leftovers. What about you?!

ManateeFair · 03/07/2023 18:18

PrincessofWellies · 03/07/2023 18:08

Blimey, you lot. Grab a wrap or sandwich on the way 🙄

Yeah, because nothing says romance like a Boots Meal Deal in the back of a taxi on your way to go for a walk.

I can think of few things more joyless than having to eat a sandwich on my way to a date with someone I'd only been out with a few times because it never occurred to him that it might be nice to grab something to eat together.

Hollyppp · 03/07/2023 18:18

He’s poor but can’t say it

andasthedaysgoby · 03/07/2023 18:18

I think I'd message back saying, "Oh okay well let's take a ranicheck then and go out another night for food and drink, when you've run out of leftovers' - then I'd see how he responds to that before deciding whether to see him again. It just feels like he's not making much effort tbh.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 03/07/2023 18:19

GarlicGrace · 03/07/2023 17:32

Take yourself out to dinner. Tell him that's what you're doing, as the plan was to eat out. Wish him a nice time with his leftovers. Enjoy your self-fulfilling dinner. Go home, block his number Smile

This

musixa · 03/07/2023 18:19

Red flag for selfishness - he can't defer his gratification for your sake.

This can also be a red flag for a tightwad who is terrified he might have to pay - as you have a history of (rightly) splitting the bill, it's probably just selfishness.

ManateeFair · 03/07/2023 18:19

Hintofreality · 03/07/2023 18:07

Or has issues around food / eating disorder

Show quote history

As he has previously suggested picnics and trips to food markets as dates, it seems unlikely that he has a problem with eating in front of people.

Needmorelego · 03/07/2023 18:20

@PurpleButterflyWings blimey calm down 🙂
This is a couple still getting to know each other. Maybe he simply doesn’t like restaurants. Maybe he wants quiet and relaxed on a monday after a day at work (hence the walk).
Doesn’t mean he is a cheapskate or anything.
Just a fellow human.

Lunde · 03/07/2023 18:21

So let me get this straight. You are leaving work directly to travel to to him, to go for a walk. He has texted to cancel any idea of food because he has leftovers. You will need to pay for a taxi home.

It all sounds very minimal effort on his part.

PrincessofWellies · 03/07/2023 18:22

ManateeFair · 03/07/2023 18:18

Yeah, because nothing says romance like a Boots Meal Deal in the back of a taxi on your way to go for a walk.

I can think of few things more joyless than having to eat a sandwich on my way to a date with someone I'd only been out with a few times because it never occurred to him that it might be nice to grab something to eat together.

Show quote history

Well, I'm an adult and used to grabbing food on the run and my eating doesn't revolve around men

cordelia16 · 03/07/2023 18:22

I would cancel tbh. Why travel all that way for a walk and a drink, especially for a guy you don't know that well?

If you had called him up today and spontaneously asked him to dinner, and then he said he had leftovers to finish, then fair enough (I also hate wasting food). But this was a planned date, so there's really no excuse for his behaviour.

MrsElsa · 03/07/2023 18:23

Lesson learned don't go to visit men. You have to weed out the timewasters. A good way is weeding out the lazy ones who cba to travel to meet you.. 😅 try reading The Rules.

MyDogStoodOnABee · 03/07/2023 18:23

There’s being skint and there’s being inconsiderate. This guy is both!
Its a no from me.

MeinKraft · 03/07/2023 18:23

'Well, I'm an adult and used to grabbing food on the run and my eating doesn't revolve around men'

You mean every meal you eat isn't a romantic dinner in a restaurant paid for by your partner Shock LTB

PrincessofWellies · 03/07/2023 18:25

MeinKraft · 03/07/2023 18:23

'Well, I'm an adult and used to grabbing food on the run and my eating doesn't revolve around men'

You mean every meal you eat isn't a romantic dinner in a restaurant paid for by your partner Shock LTB

🤣🤣🤣

ReadingSoManyThreads · 03/07/2023 18:27

I voted YABU because:

  1. you seem to associate dates with always incorporating food, whereas in my opinion and experience, dates aren't always associated with eating.
  2. I wouldn't want leftovers to be wasted either and you need to eat them before they go off.
  3. Eating out a lot gets expensive!!! Doesn't matter if the bill is being split, we're financially comfortable and yet do not eat out regularly, it's just too expensive and in our opinion a waste of good money.

I don't agree with other posters saying he must be poor, we're not poor but we find eating out a waste of money and we'd rather be able to overpay on our mortgage or save up for a house extension than eat out regularly.

But I don't think this is a big issue really, so just eat some dinner before you head off to see him so you get fed too.

ChrisPPancake · 03/07/2023 18:27

So was the date supposed to be dinner/walk/drink and he's dropped the dinner part of it? If so YANBU to be annoyed.

But if it was always just walk and a drink then YABU. If you wanted to eat out you should have said.

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/07/2023 18:29

Assuming this walk ends in a pub that does food, I would then order for myself, whatever I bloody well liked.

Then see what he does - interesting test. Does he order some as well? Does he try to steal some of yours? Is he a nob about it?

Is he fully aware you'll have no chance to get food before meeting up with him?

JaukiVexnoydi · 03/07/2023 18:29

I would be cancelling the date too.

He doesn't seem very considerate.

If you are spending significant time and money on travelling then it needs to be for an evening which fits with your needs and mood - and what works for you is a nice meal out, not just a drink or two with someone who has already eaten.

Stay at home and spend the travel money on a nice readymeal from M&S, and either rearrange the date for a day that he is willing to eat out with you on, or a plan that has a cheaper way to eat together (nice picnic together on a sunny day?) or just bin him if he isn't willing to rearrange the plan for something that works for you as well as him.

MichelleScarn · 03/07/2023 18:29

Needmorelego · 03/07/2023 18:04

@PurpleButterflyWings well there’s two - because I agree with @Wheredoistart78 😂

As do I! Did he not organise/pay for the last date too to the gig?