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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's eaten before our date

355 replies

waitingforautumn · 03/07/2023 17:04

Not a first date, several in. He was supposed to be taking me out tonight but he's messaged during the day to say that he's got a load of leftovers in that he needs to eat so he will eat first (before a walk/drink in his area). I'm the one who's travelling to see him and would need to spend on a taxi home given our locations. I don't expect dinner on him or anything, I always split bills, but it would be nice if we could enjoy some food and drink together after this walk! I can appreciate that if his housemates are in this eve it might not be easy to switch to having a night in, so I won't question that - however if it were me I would let the leftovers sit and find something we could eat/drink together!! AIBU that this has p'd me off? I feel a bit deflated as was excited to see him. Why eat first like it's some sort of job? Knowing your date won't have eaten after a day at work?!

Last date was a gig that he arranged so we didn't have food then either but it was fine as could bring snacks etc and went for a drink after. Would have been nice for dinner to have been factored in. He does seem to be a fan of chilled dates like food markets/picnics, helps that it is summer. But it would be nice for things to be a bit more planned. I feel bad suggesting dinners in case it's a money thing. But being early days it's nice to go out and feel like you're being spoilt a bit?! Maybe I'm just grumpy because it's Monday and I didn't enjoy the lunch I had a few hrs ago!! What's your take?

OP posts:
DeliciouslyDecadent · 03/07/2023 19:06

Goodness there are some very demanding women on here.

The date was for a walk and a drink.

The bloke is in a house share, he's likely to be young and strapped for cash.

What's wrong with a walk and a drink? And both of them eat beforehand.

It's not good enough for the OP to say she'd go halves as he obviously can't afford his half!

@waitingforautumn I think you sound hard work. Are you both young? You should not expect dinner when the date was a walk and a drink. If it's a drink, then you can buy your own meal in the pub or cafe. He doesn't want to do that as he's got food to use up and is broke.

Obviously, if you are doing all the travelling, and he's not, that is another issue (and neither of you have care, we assume?

Gelatelli · 03/07/2023 19:06

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 03/07/2023 17:54

I’d have much more respect for a man that lives within his means than spends money he can’t afford trying to “impress” you tbh.

This

HopelessEstateAgents · 03/07/2023 19:06

Is OP coming back?

Gelatelli · 03/07/2023 19:08

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/07/2023 19:01

I'd be responding with

"OK, so you will have eaten before meeting me. I still need to eat before going for a drink, so to do that, then travel, there won't be much time left; so probably best that we reschedule."

Because it's the truth.

I'm sure if the rest of his behaviour is OK then grabbing a sandwich won't be the end of the world. Hmm

SamW98 · 03/07/2023 19:08

Just wondered OP have any of your other dates been more local to you and he’s travelled to your area?
And you say he seems to prefer more casual dates - that doesn’t mean lack of effort, just that’s what he prefers.

What is your gut telling you? Maybe a conversation between you about what you enjoy doing needs to be had so you’re both putting your expectations out there.

Stirredandconfused678 · 03/07/2023 19:09

Sissynova · 03/07/2023 18:31

Mumsnet is ridiculous 😂 don’t host a party you can’t afford, don’t invite people over if you aren’t going to have 5 courses and wine but a man isn’t allowed to plan a date that doesn’t involve paying for a meal out if he can’t afford it.

No it’s not this! The op has stated she’s fine going halves. It’s the fact that he has prioritised HIS dinner without caring or even enquiring about what op is going to eat, having come straight from work. It’s very poor basic manners imho. And shows zero awareness of how others might feel.

Op I think I would be replying, “In that case, as I was coming straight from work, I think it’s best you enjoy your leftovers alone and I will do the same. Enjoy!”

SamW98 · 03/07/2023 19:10

HopelessEstateAgents · 03/07/2023 19:06

Is OP coming back?

She’s probably out walking right now - with or without dinner at the end

Ponderingwindow · 03/07/2023 19:11

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/07/2023 19:01

I'd be responding with

"OK, so you will have eaten before meeting me. I still need to eat before going for a drink, so to do that, then travel, there won't be much time left; so probably best that we reschedule."

Because it's the truth.

This right here

DeliciouslyDecadent · 03/07/2023 19:11

You keep contradicting yourself OP.

If you don't want to make him feel bad by 'asking for dinners is he's broke' why get in a strop over it here?

He's clearly not your wine & dine / seduce you kind of bloke.

I'd far better have a bloke like him than one who spent £100 on dinner and expected sex at the end of it because of his 'generosity'.

Guessing you are both in your 20s (house share, no cars) etc and he's struggling with money.

YukoandHiro · 03/07/2023 19:11

This is 100 per cent a face saving lie because he's on the bones of his arse this week.

Be kind and pretend like you don't know that.

ProfessorXtra · 03/07/2023 19:12

To be honest it’s a bit unclear what the date was.

Did you agree to a wall, dinner and drinks?

or just a walk/drinks?

if it was the first I would feel a bit put out, especially since you still need to eat.

If you actually arranged the second, but hoped to get something to eat before I would say you need to be more clear. It could have been that he wasn’t sure if you were eating or not, so ate but also you a heads up so you didn’t turn up hungry while he was full.

But if you want to include dinner in your date, say that.

icelollycraving · 03/07/2023 19:13

I wouldn’t be travelling to a date to go for a walk tbh. He is either tight/skint or thoughtless, perhaps a combination. Would not be giving me the butterflies of seeing him.
Go home, order takeaway and have a big glass of wine whilst watching tv. Sounds much better imho.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 03/07/2023 19:13

OK, so you will have eaten before meeting me. I still need to eat before going for a drink, so to do that, then travel, there won't be much time left; so probably best that we reschedule.

This is just so childish.

If they are going out for a drink, then that will be in a pub or a cafe.
Why can't she order herself food there?

All this fuss over some blooming food, and a hissy fit 'cos he says he will eat at home first.

Stirredandconfused678 · 03/07/2023 19:15

DeliciouslyDecadent · 03/07/2023 19:13

OK, so you will have eaten before meeting me. I still need to eat before going for a drink, so to do that, then travel, there won't be much time left; so probably best that we reschedule.

This is just so childish.

If they are going out for a drink, then that will be in a pub or a cafe.
Why can't she order herself food there?

All this fuss over some blooming food, and a hissy fit 'cos he says he will eat at home first.

Who wants to eat by themselves on a date for heaven’s sake? No thank you!

Catspyjamas17 · 03/07/2023 19:16

Can't you just eat before you go or grab something on the way? Then you can just go for a walk, have a couple of drinks and not be starving.

supersop60 · 03/07/2023 19:16

Needmorelego · 03/07/2023 18:04

@PurpleButterflyWings well there’s two - because I agree with @Wheredoistart78 😂

Three. We don't all want to be impressed with fancy dinners.

Stirredandconfused678 · 03/07/2023 19:18

Don’t people see that it is not about the fancy dinner as such but his lack of consideration for her?

Maybe I’m old fashioned … 🤷‍♀️

JonahAndTheSnail · 03/07/2023 19:18

Sounds pretty rubbish, if he's expecting you to make the effort to travel to him and it was sold to you as him 'taking you out' for the night. Whilst I guess going for a walk is technically 'taking you out(side)' it seems a bit lame for an early days date after you've been at work all day. Has he made the effort to travel to you for dates, or are you always going to him?

SayHi · 03/07/2023 19:18

YABU

Chances are he can’t afford to eat out as he may have had an unexpected bill.

Or he may have issues with food and doesn’t want to eat in front of you right now.

Why are you going to his area?

Can he not come to yours and then you can go home and eat and then he can meet you there.

billy1966 · 03/07/2023 19:19

icelollycraving · 03/07/2023 19:13

I wouldn’t be travelling to a date to go for a walk tbh. He is either tight/skint or thoughtless, perhaps a combination. Would not be giving me the butterflies of seeing him.
Go home, order takeaway and have a big glass of wine whilst watching tv. Sounds much better imho.

This.

JudgeRudy · 03/07/2023 19:20

I'm on the fence with this one. If he'd already said you were going out for a meal I might think it's a bit rude to effectively cancel at short notice. Others have assumed you're going to his straight from work. Are you? In that case not considering when you would actually get to it is inconsiderate/rude, however if he just made a vague suggestion of meeting up, maybe getting something to eat/having a drink, I think it's fine.
Are you effectively saying that if he wants to see you on a work night you have to be fed?

Just checking but is the rest of the date taking place on his doorstep? Just checking that he doesn't want to he seen eating out with you for some reason....just saying.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 03/07/2023 19:20

Stirredandconfused678 · 03/07/2023 19:15

Who wants to eat by themselves on a date for heaven’s sake? No thank you!

Show quote history

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest @Stirredandconfused678 .

The date was for a walk and drink. Not dinner.

He could have a packet of crisps and I'd have a sandwich or whatever.

Grown up women are quite capable of having a drink with a man who doesn't want to eat out that evening (for any number of reasons) and still enjoy the evening.

Very selfish of the OP to expect him to fork out for food when he can't afford it (we assume) just because she can't organise her own meal around a date.

Museya15 · 03/07/2023 19:20

Wheredoistart78 · 03/07/2023 18:43

It's batshit to me that posters are calling him a knob over this.

You'd be the first if your date did the same. Believe!

MeinKraft · 03/07/2023 19:20

'It’s the fact that he has prioritised HIS dinner without caring or even enquiring about what op is going to eat, having come straight from work. '

He's only met her like 3 times, it's not like they're married

Thegoodbadandugly · 03/07/2023 19:21

Maybe money is tight.