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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's eaten before our date

355 replies

waitingforautumn · 03/07/2023 17:04

Not a first date, several in. He was supposed to be taking me out tonight but he's messaged during the day to say that he's got a load of leftovers in that he needs to eat so he will eat first (before a walk/drink in his area). I'm the one who's travelling to see him and would need to spend on a taxi home given our locations. I don't expect dinner on him or anything, I always split bills, but it would be nice if we could enjoy some food and drink together after this walk! I can appreciate that if his housemates are in this eve it might not be easy to switch to having a night in, so I won't question that - however if it were me I would let the leftovers sit and find something we could eat/drink together!! AIBU that this has p'd me off? I feel a bit deflated as was excited to see him. Why eat first like it's some sort of job? Knowing your date won't have eaten after a day at work?!

Last date was a gig that he arranged so we didn't have food then either but it was fine as could bring snacks etc and went for a drink after. Would have been nice for dinner to have been factored in. He does seem to be a fan of chilled dates like food markets/picnics, helps that it is summer. But it would be nice for things to be a bit more planned. I feel bad suggesting dinners in case it's a money thing. But being early days it's nice to go out and feel like you're being spoilt a bit?! Maybe I'm just grumpy because it's Monday and I didn't enjoy the lunch I had a few hrs ago!! What's your take?

OP posts:
AncientBallerina · 03/07/2023 17:26

Also this might seem a bit mean but it’s a bit too much domestic detail at this stage of the relationship.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 03/07/2023 17:26

Honestly, I'm pretty low-maintenance (my first date with DH was a walk and a picnic/meal deal) but I just wouldn't bother with this.

You're going straight from work to meet up for a walk, then you have to get a taxi back afterwards? Sod that for a game of soldiers.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 03/07/2023 17:26

I think I'd message saying to expect you a bit later as you'll need to eat too and you'll be stopping off first to get something.

FrancisSeaton · 03/07/2023 17:27

I would just text and say maybe some other time. And repeat this everytime he wants to eat leftovers rather than go for a meal

Chocolateatanyop · 03/07/2023 17:27

He’s skint but also inconsiderate - he hadnt thought about you needing to eat

mindutopia · 03/07/2023 17:29

A walk feels very casual several dates in. It's usually the sort of thing someone would suggest for a first date. What have your other dates been like? If all walks or a coffee, then I'd assume this is how it's going to go (which is a bit boring). I wouldn't want someone spending money to take me out to dinner, but I would expect shared nice experiences. I think that's the cost of dating, unfortunately. It does mean when you're getting to know someone that you do have to spend money to do things out in public until it's comfortable enough for going to each others houses. I think a drink or a coffee is fine, but he needs to be upfront. I'd be annoyed at the sudden change of plans and I'd say let's either postpone for another night or make the date later because you are going for dinner first.

StMarysTrainee · 03/07/2023 17:29

My DP is definitely not skint, he is however frugal and we include a thermos with all our dates but I love it’s cosiness so that’s fine for us - I can see how this may be a miscommunication between you both of expectations of dates.

StMarysTrainee · 03/07/2023 17:30

Ugh hate apostrophe typos.

GarlicGrace · 03/07/2023 17:32

Take yourself out to dinner. Tell him that's what you're doing, as the plan was to eat out. Wish him a nice time with his leftovers. Enjoy your self-fulfilling dinner. Go home, block his number Smile

PoseyFlump · 03/07/2023 17:35

It does sound like he's skint. And if he's only just got paid, but worrying! Not sure I'd want to pay out for a taxi just for a walk.

F1ymetothetoon · 03/07/2023 17:38

Sorry but that date sounds boring as fuck and no way would I be going for a walk, staying hungry and then having the 'pleasure' of forking out for a taxi home.

Tinkerbyebye · 03/07/2023 17:41

I would text back and say oh I thought we were eating out, I don’t have anything and can’t get anything before I have to start my journey, so how about we give it a miss so I don’t starve tonight

and the next time make it very clear about eating before after or during the date

Allwelcone · 03/07/2023 17:49

AncientBallerina · 03/07/2023 17:26

Also this might seem a bit mean but it’s a bit too much domestic detail at this stage of the relationship.

Yup pedestrian and unpolished. Wouldn't be my type!

SquirrelSoShiny · 03/07/2023 17:51

Tinkerbyebye · 03/07/2023 17:41

I would text back and say oh I thought we were eating out, I don’t have anything and can’t get anything before I have to start my journey, so how about we give it a miss so I don’t starve tonight

and the next time make it very clear about eating before after or during the date

This.

Needmorelego · 03/07/2023 17:52

But you didn’t arrange to go out for dinner- you arranged to go for a walk (that’s a date I would really enjoy - summer evening it would be lovely).
If the date was something like the cinema I would probably eat at home first because I would only be snacking on popcorn later unless the agreed date was “go out to eat and then the cinema”.
You planned a walk. Not a meal out and a walk.
Just sounds like a miss communication.
If you like the guy laugh it off or say something like “any left overs for me - cos I’m famished”.

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 03/07/2023 17:54

I’d have much more respect for a man that lives within his means than spends money he can’t afford trying to “impress” you tbh.

GarlicGrace · 03/07/2023 17:55

He was supposed to be taking me out tonight but he's messaged during the day

"I'm completely changing our plans for tonight, without consulting you and with no regard to your comfort."

And posters are STILL trying to pussyfoot around it? You deserve more, @waitingforautumn. Go find a better one.

Wheredoistart78 · 03/07/2023 17:55

Christ, poor chap!

Some of the responses on here are why some men think some women are nuts!

TiaraBoo · 03/07/2023 17:56

@waitingforautumn
can he come over closer to you if all you are going to do is walk and then you get a taxi home, then you want to eat too.

Xmasbaby11 · 03/07/2023 17:57

I’d say he’s skint or tight. Neither a great option.

Oblomov23 · 03/07/2023 17:59

It's not just that He can't afford it. He's tight, stingy, worse still thoughtless. He could take you for the cheapest meal he could, a jacket potato or a sandwich, if he'd just say he couldn't afford anything expensive. Plus he's only been paid 3 days ago most likely. But it's not even that. It's that he hadn't got the brain cells to know that you are travelling, getting a cab home, were planning on eating. It's that lack of common sense and forethought to even consider you, that makes him a prize twerp. LTB.

Swishytwip · 03/07/2023 18:00

It all sounds like a lot of effort, straight from work on a Monday night? Maybe it's a communication issue. Have you said anything along the lines of, 'I'm going to be tired and hungry after work, so my ideal date would be to sit and have a meal together '?
If restaurant eating isn't his cup of tea then maybe it's just an incompatibility issue? There doesn't always have to be a bad guy: some folks just aren't well suited.

SamW98 · 03/07/2023 18:01

Needmorelego · 03/07/2023 17:52

But you didn’t arrange to go out for dinner- you arranged to go for a walk (that’s a date I would really enjoy - summer evening it would be lovely).
If the date was something like the cinema I would probably eat at home first because I would only be snacking on popcorn later unless the agreed date was “go out to eat and then the cinema”.
You planned a walk. Not a meal out and a walk.
Just sounds like a miss communication.
If you like the guy laugh it off or say something like “any left overs for me - cos I’m famished”.

I agree. If eating hasn’t been planned/discussed then I wouldn’t expect to be having dinner afterwards.

I love low key casual chatty dates. Going out to dinner with someone I don’t know very well is my idea of hell and I’d rather get to know someone without food interrupting our conversation flow.

Pansypotter123 · 03/07/2023 18:02

Who made the original plan?

Was it definitely walk then dinner or only walk then drinks?

You mention house share - is he quite young? And perhaps doesn't have much money?

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 18:02

Wheredoistart78 · 03/07/2023 17:55

Christ, poor chap!

Some of the responses on here are why some men think some women are nuts!

LOL there's always one! 😆