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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's eaten before our date

355 replies

waitingforautumn · 03/07/2023 17:04

Not a first date, several in. He was supposed to be taking me out tonight but he's messaged during the day to say that he's got a load of leftovers in that he needs to eat so he will eat first (before a walk/drink in his area). I'm the one who's travelling to see him and would need to spend on a taxi home given our locations. I don't expect dinner on him or anything, I always split bills, but it would be nice if we could enjoy some food and drink together after this walk! I can appreciate that if his housemates are in this eve it might not be easy to switch to having a night in, so I won't question that - however if it were me I would let the leftovers sit and find something we could eat/drink together!! AIBU that this has p'd me off? I feel a bit deflated as was excited to see him. Why eat first like it's some sort of job? Knowing your date won't have eaten after a day at work?!

Last date was a gig that he arranged so we didn't have food then either but it was fine as could bring snacks etc and went for a drink after. Would have been nice for dinner to have been factored in. He does seem to be a fan of chilled dates like food markets/picnics, helps that it is summer. But it would be nice for things to be a bit more planned. I feel bad suggesting dinners in case it's a money thing. But being early days it's nice to go out and feel like you're being spoilt a bit?! Maybe I'm just grumpy because it's Monday and I didn't enjoy the lunch I had a few hrs ago!! What's your take?

OP posts:
PurpleButterflyWings · 05/07/2023 10:49

Thanks for the update @@waitingforautumn He probably didn't mean to offend you, but I would still be massively on your guard if I were you. He sounds like a man who is going to be constantly counting the pennies, and I don't think any woman wants to be saddled with a man long term, who is like that. You're in for a rough ride in life if you settle with a tight-fisted, penny-pinching man.

Original poster
waitingforautumn · 05/07/2023 10:52

SamW98 · 05/07/2023 08:46

Glad your date went well OP and you’ve had a bit of a conversation regarding what you both enjoy as far as dates go.

I have to say I’m not a big eating out sort of person so needing to eat as part of a date wouldn’t always cross my mind. But that’s not just with dates. If I’m out with friends I don’t ever stop to eat whereas some of them like to.

I don’t think either if you are wrong here, just different ideas. And I think it’s better to both show who you are and what you’re into early on rather than this idea of trying to impress.

From your updates, I’m not sure you’re on same page but as you say maybe go out again and gauge your gut feelings about him.

This is interesting, I've probably got into a bad of combining socialising with ticking off restaurants etc here in London as there's always so many on my "list" it can feel like a shame to miss out ! X

OP posts:
Original poster
waitingforautumn · 05/07/2023 10:55

In fairness rent must be at least half of his salary - so I do respect not just relying on credit cards etc as he's been quite transparent in other convos about his goal to not deplete his savings having recently moved to London. It's just a shame when you are the one keen to splash out a bit more 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
waitingforautumn · 05/07/2023 10:56

northernbeee · 05/07/2023 10:02

why? my first date with my husband was a walk, ended up being about 4 hour walk up and down a beach but it was lovely (I took my dog, he had to like her!!)

Sounds lovely ☺️

OP posts:
Original poster
waitingforautumn · 05/07/2023 10:57

PurpleButterflyWings · 05/07/2023 10:49

Thanks for the update @@waitingforautumn He probably didn't mean to offend you, but I would still be massively on your guard if I were you. He sounds like a man who is going to be constantly counting the pennies, and I don't think any woman wants to be saddled with a man long term, who is like that. You're in for a rough ride in life if you settle with a tight-fisted, penny-pinching man.

Agreed, imitative is what matters overall. Just replied below re cost of living here so I can get in board with not being frivolous so long as he's creative in other ways. Time will tell xx

OP posts:
Original poster
waitingforautumn · 05/07/2023 10:58

KarmaStar · 05/07/2023 10:20

You hadn't arranged to eat out then.
You are a grown adult who knew you were going out from work so could have pre arranged your food or arranged to eat with him.
He isn't a mind reader is he?
Think you are being precious about this.

I have come down to earth a bit reading some of the comments here, really glad to get out of my own head for a bit

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 05/07/2023 10:59

waitingforautumn · 05/07/2023 10:55

In fairness rent must be at least half of his salary - so I do respect not just relying on credit cards etc as he's been quite transparent in other convos about his goal to not deplete his savings having recently moved to London. It's just a shame when you are the one keen to splash out a bit more 😂

But sounds like he is willing to splash money on activities? Do you pay half for the activities?

It's not fair for him to get to do what he wants all the time, so would be interesting to see if he takes your feelings on board.

Original poster
waitingforautumn · 05/07/2023 11:01

Yep, I think he prefers spending money on activities and I prefer a quiet meal. It's early days so I'm happy to see what he suggests/how he takes my suggestions. xx

OP posts:
Original poster
waitingforautumn · 05/07/2023 11:02

And it would be 50/50 regardless

OP posts:
Original poster
waitingforautumn · 05/07/2023 11:07

AncientBallerina · 05/07/2023 10:37

Sounds like you’ve both communicated well about this now and are able to compromise. Good signs. If you’re looking for someone long term - while going out for dinner is lovely if it’s your thing - there are definitely more important things in life that you both need to be on the page with. I’d definitely give it a few more dates. Good luck! Hope it works out - you both seem like nice people.

Thanks for this lovely reply! 💐 I agree and long term I can't see myself caring much about these sorts of things. It would be nice to make it there with some fond memories of the early days tho 😂

OP posts:
JogOn123 · 05/07/2023 11:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sissynova · 05/07/2023 11:16

waitingforautumn · 05/07/2023 11:02

And it would be 50/50 regardless

You say that but then you also say you want to be spoiled and he paid for 'your half' on your last date. Sounds like the next one should be on you then.

Original poster
waitingforautumn · 05/07/2023 11:24

Absolutely I will be getting it next time!

OP posts:
Original poster
waitingforautumn · 05/07/2023 11:25

(He was able to walk home from the place last night and he felt bad that public transport was going to fail me)

OP posts:
SamW98 · 05/07/2023 11:28

Lacucuracha · 05/07/2023 10:59

But sounds like he is willing to splash money on activities? Do you pay half for the activities?

It's not fair for him to get to do what he wants all the time, so would be interesting to see if he takes your feelings on board.

Show quote history

That for me would be the issue, whether there’s any flexibility and willingness to compromise.

If it’s always doing activities and the OP doing the travelling then it’s a red flag but if there’s give and take them there’s potential.

See how it goes next few dates OP. If it’s always activities and on his manor then I’d say it’s a non starter. However if there’s a variety of activities, meals, drinks etc across both of your local areas then it’s worth giving it a go

sixthvestibule · 05/07/2023 11:43

I tend to forget about factoring in food because it is not important to me. I could happily not have dinner or whatever and not even notice. But once you have told your date that it does matter to you, he should factor it in and make an extra effort to do what is important to you.

asrh618120 · 05/07/2023 11:47

I think you might be over reacting a little however I would play the guilt card in this situation and reply/respond with

'No problem! I won't have eaten anything by the time I get to you so if we could stop off somewhere on the way for me to grab a bite that would be great. I really fancy a (Mention something tasty that you know he will miss out on).

I think you'll find he won't fancy the leftovers after that 🤣

Merryoldgoat · 05/07/2023 11:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

@JogOn123

No, I'm not so unfit I can't manage a stroll, but I do have mobility issues owing to a joint issue so walking isn't especially enjoyable and actually is painful.

Thanks though.

Aprildownpours · 05/07/2023 12:54

Some people are nervous about eating in public....

AncientBallerina · 05/07/2023 15:19

waitingforautumn · 05/07/2023 11:07

Thanks for this lovely reply! 💐 I agree and long term I can't see myself caring much about these sorts of things. It would be nice to make it there with some fond memories of the early days tho 😂

Show quote history

Ah I know- most of us like a bit of romance in a relationship. Hopefully you can guide him in the direction at least some of the time :-)

Alinino124 · 05/07/2023 18:17

Cos she,s starving 🤨

Stewball01 · 07/07/2023 10:52

Cancel theq taxi.
He's not worth it. Lazy and thoughtless bugger.

Needmorelego · 07/07/2023 11:31

@Stewball01 catch up dear.
They went out the next day.

Plagioclase · 09/07/2023 14:12

I would not waste anymore time on this guy. Yeah walking can be nice but I wouldn’t pay to travel for a walk without dinner factored in. He’s not making an effort. Even telling you about his leftovers makes me cringe.

lilkitten · 23/07/2023 20:11

It sounds like he's not as fussed about getting food, if it were me I'd probably just eat before and then meet him. I totally understand him not wanting to waste food though. And I guess it's probably not his kind of date, and maybe it's getting to establishing what you like to do together (such as I'm never going to get my primary partner to go with me to a theatre, no matter how much I try).
In terms of saving money, when it's tight for one of my partners he asks me round and he cooks, but I'm quite happy with drinks and some kind of social night out rather than a meal out. Quite often I'll head into town and grab a bite to eat by myself before meeting someone for a date.