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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's eaten before our date

355 replies

waitingforautumn · 03/07/2023 17:04

Not a first date, several in. He was supposed to be taking me out tonight but he's messaged during the day to say that he's got a load of leftovers in that he needs to eat so he will eat first (before a walk/drink in his area). I'm the one who's travelling to see him and would need to spend on a taxi home given our locations. I don't expect dinner on him or anything, I always split bills, but it would be nice if we could enjoy some food and drink together after this walk! I can appreciate that if his housemates are in this eve it might not be easy to switch to having a night in, so I won't question that - however if it were me I would let the leftovers sit and find something we could eat/drink together!! AIBU that this has p'd me off? I feel a bit deflated as was excited to see him. Why eat first like it's some sort of job? Knowing your date won't have eaten after a day at work?!

Last date was a gig that he arranged so we didn't have food then either but it was fine as could bring snacks etc and went for a drink after. Would have been nice for dinner to have been factored in. He does seem to be a fan of chilled dates like food markets/picnics, helps that it is summer. But it would be nice for things to be a bit more planned. I feel bad suggesting dinners in case it's a money thing. But being early days it's nice to go out and feel like you're being spoilt a bit?! Maybe I'm just grumpy because it's Monday and I didn't enjoy the lunch I had a few hrs ago!! What's your take?

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 03/07/2023 18:04

@PurpleButterflyWings well there’s two - because I agree with @Wheredoistart78 😂

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 18:05

As pps have said, he's probably skint. Would put me right off. IDGAF what anyone thinks, I wouldn't be getting with a man with fuck-all money, who is skimping on going out for a meal. He's either skint or a tight-arse. Both hugely off-putting. Can't abide a tight-arse bloke. Imagine a future with him.. Urgh! Confused

As Gwen Guthrie said 'ain't nothing going on but the rent...' Go no job, no money, and can't drive/got no car..... get in the bin......... Wink

@Oblomov23

It's not just that He can't afford it. He's tight, stingy, worse still thoughtless. He could take you for the cheapest meal he could, a jacket potato or a sandwich, if he'd just say he couldn't afford anything expensive. Plus he's only been paid 3 days ago most likely. But it's not even that. It's that he hadn't got the brain cells to know that you are travelling, getting a cab home, were planning on eating. It's that lack of common sense and forethought to even consider you, that makes him a prize twerp. LTB.

This. You deserve better @waitingforautumn Bin this worthless twat.

Kingdedede · 03/07/2023 18:05

How have the rest of the dates been, I would just grab something to eat for myself in this case of all the others were good.

SamW98 · 03/07/2023 18:06

Needmorelego · 03/07/2023 18:04

@PurpleButterflyWings well there’s two - because I agree with @Wheredoistart78 😂

Make that 3 🤣

The OP reads as though it’s a walk and a drink but she thought food would be nice. I’d that’s been agreed fair enough but it sounds to me like there’s been assumptions made that weren’t discussed

TomatoSandwiches · 03/07/2023 18:06

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 03/07/2023 17:54

I’d have much more respect for a man that lives within his means than spends money he can’t afford trying to “impress” you tbh.

Only if they're up front about though.

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 18:06

Needmorelego · 03/07/2023 18:04

@PurpleButterflyWings well there’s two - because I agree with @Wheredoistart78 😂

Oh fucking hell 😂 I pity you BOTH if your bar is so LOW that you accept such shitty low life behaviour from men.

Raise your bar! Have some self respect!

ThatFraggle · 03/07/2023 18:06

You can freeze leftovers

UrsulaIsMyQueen · 03/07/2023 18:06

Was dinner ever mentioned, or was it always planned to be ‘a walk and a drink’?

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 18:07

That goes to @SamW98 too! I pity you if you think this behaviour from men is OK!

hairtodaygonetm · 03/07/2023 18:07

He's 'supposed to be taking you out', has informed you that he has leftovers that need using up (I'm sorry but I'm feeling a second hand ick here) and is expecting you to get a cab to go for a walk?
No OP. No where near enough effort.

Hintofreality · 03/07/2023 18:07

potatosalad9 · 03/07/2023 17:24

He's skint!

Or has issues around food / eating disorder

PrincessofWellies · 03/07/2023 18:08

Blimey, you lot. Grab a wrap or sandwich on the way 🙄

midlifecrash · 03/07/2023 18:08

Get to the pub before him. Buy an ENORMOUS burger that you will be half way through when he arrives. Don’t have any chips he can nick. Announce “That’s better, I was STARVING. Mine’s a G&T”.

See what he does.

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 18:08

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 03/07/2023 17:54

I’d have much more respect for a man that lives within his means than spends money he can’t afford trying to “impress” you tbh.

I wouldn't !!! Any man scrimping and saving can get in the bin. Wink

peachicecream · 03/07/2023 18:08

Might just be that you have different outlooks on what is important/ what makes a good date. I would be the same as you though and wouldn't be impressed if I was dating someone and they decided to eat leftovers instead of going out for dinner. I guess it shows something about their personality, a lack of generosity/ willingness to 'have a treat' etc.

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 18:09

PrincessofWellies · 03/07/2023 18:08

Blimey, you lot. Grab a wrap or sandwich on the way 🙄

😂 Or take a pot noodle and ask if you can borrow his kettle. Fucking hell! 😬

Museya15 · 03/07/2023 18:09

Treating you like a mug mate, men that do this can take the relationship or leave it, it doesn't bother them.

MeinKraft · 03/07/2023 18:09

I don't get it? Why is it his responsibility to feed you if it's not a dinner date?

Beargrumps22 · 03/07/2023 18:10

Both times he has arranged to suit himself and not included food no I think a few red flags here

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 18:11

You lot (supporting the stingy tight arsed menz) are playing RIGHT into the hands of these men you know. They LOVE you women who don't want HIM to pay for anything or buy anything... I bet he believes in equal rights, but not when it comes to childcare and domestic duties! 😆 LOL! Such mugs!

Anon1612 · 03/07/2023 18:11

So romantic..woman dies the lefwork for the date and will have to find a way sometime to eat and pay for her food.

where on earth some
of you find these men and what do you find attractive about them?

Chocolateship · 03/07/2023 18:11

I feel like you're making a huge deal out of this before talking to him about it. Why not just say I'll need to grab some food as I won't have eaten. If the plan was for a walk then I don't see necessarily that someone would assume a meal was part of that- why not say you want to go out for food? They aren't mind readers.

Chocolateship · 03/07/2023 18:13

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 18:11

You lot (supporting the stingy tight arsed menz) are playing RIGHT into the hands of these men you know. They LOVE you women who don't want HIM to pay for anything or buy anything... I bet he believes in equal rights, but not when it comes to childcare and domestic duties! 😆 LOL! Such mugs!

A walk is free for both parties, it doesn't sound like a meal was mentioned and shot down, OP was assuming and hoping he'd think ah a walk so a natural conclusion to that is a meal out. He might be awful sure, but I hate it when people assume I know what they want without saying, maybe he does too.

Luxell934 · 03/07/2023 18:13

I guess if food wasn't already part of the original plan then he wouldn’t have even mentioned eating leftovers at home?

SamW98 · 03/07/2023 18:14

Chocolateship · 03/07/2023 18:11

I feel like you're making a huge deal out of this before talking to him about it. Why not just say I'll need to grab some food as I won't have eaten. If the plan was for a walk then I don't see necessarily that someone would assume a meal was part of that- why not say you want to go out for food? They aren't mind readers.

Absolutely. It’s down to both parties to agree what they’re doing for a date not just make assumptions.

Whats wrong with saying at the time of arranging a date ‘are we going to stop for food afterwards?’

Seems like another MN scenario that a conversation could have avoided