Page 10 | He's eaten before our date

waitingforautumn · 2023-07-03T16:04:19+00:00

Not a first date, several in. He was supposed to be taking me out tonight but he's messaged during the day to say that he's got a load of leftovers in that he needs to eat so he will eat first (before a walk/drink in his area). I'm the one who's travelling to see him and would need to spend on a taxi home given our locations. I don't expect dinner on him or anything, I always split bills, but it would be nice if we could enjoy some food and drink together after this walk! I can appreciate that if his housemates are in this eve it might not be easy to switch to having a night in, so I won't question that - however if it were me I would let the leftovers sit and find something we could eat/drink together!! AIBU that this has p'd me off? I feel a bit deflated as was excited to see him. Why eat first like it's some sort of job? Knowing your date won't have eaten after a day at work?! Last date was a gig that he arranged so we didn't have food then either but it was fine as could bring snacks etc and went for a drink after. Would have been nice for dinner to have been factored in. He does seem to be a fan of chilled dates like food markets/picnics, helps that it is summer. But it would be nice for things to be a bit more planned. I feel bad suggesting dinners in case it's a money thing. But being early days it's nice to go out and feel like you're being spoilt a bit?! Maybe I'm just grumpy because it's Monday and I didn't enjoy the lunch I had a few hrs ago!! What's your take?

Original poster

waitingforautumn · 03/07/2023 21:24

Didn't go. I suggested tomorrow instead and used some of the above wording to say that tomorrow might be better - "my housemate is in and plans on cooking xx, that I might be hangry if I go all that way and he's eaten but I haven't. More than happy to have a cosy night in"

OP posts:

MysteryBelle · 03/07/2023 21:28

The ones berating you for expecting dinner 😂

This guy is not cutting the mustard. Loser extraordinaire. Lose him.

Original poster

waitingforautumn · 03/07/2023 21:29

And to add I do love a walk! It was my suggestion - love that you can talk, food isn't the immediate priority but it leaves the option open to get something together after. Provided nobody fills up on leftovers 😂😂

OP posts:

Epidote · 03/07/2023 21:31

Priorities:
1-left overs

I don't like walking so I would be turning back home in the next turnaround.

Suprima · 03/07/2023 21:38

waitingforautumn · 03/07/2023 21:16

Hi everyone - thanks for all your replies and discussion, tbh I've been blown away by some of your support! 💐 haven't disappeared however I have been busy having a lovely evening in with my housemate with wine + pasta.

Just want to clear up some things as my post was written hurriedly:
Yes we are both under 30, in London, where unless you are ££££ it is house shares sadly, wish I could change that. I don't want to stay over w him yet - we've been dating for 1.5mos. He gets that I enjoy dates outside the flats and has been respectful of this.

Yes I was straight from work

Original plan he suggested was to go for a quiz night at a bar quite far away (a solid hr away) - no mention of food, I just assumed we'd get something or other out. I asked if we could do that quiz night another day since it's far from where I'd need to travel from tonight. He suggested it on the day so can't have taken much thought.

Instead I proposed that I come his way for the above walk/pub trip (assuming there'd be something for us both at the pub) OR that he could come to my area where there's a bunch of food/drink options, food halls etc ... To which he said the walk/drink would be preferable over the food/drink options my way as he had the leftovers, which slashed my hopes of getting something/anything out as part of a shared experience. It would be not ideal to force something down before travelling to him, though I could technically sort myself out.

I defo don't expect to be "spoiled" per se and sorry if I come across like a princess - haven't even been seeing him for two months yet so glad there are some responses on here which agree that this is his window to be trying to impress!!! I just like initiative and the guy suggesting things that I might not have thought of, valuing meals out, being considerate of my comfort...

you really need to stop believe it’s princessy that a date would consider your comfort

literal hobos out there expecting sex and female company with the minimal effort possible

you are in London. There are a million things to do for free which aren’t Mayfair dinners. I think he can do a bit better than a walk. Cheap midweek theatre tickets, researching live music at a pub, board game cafes, street food, botanical gardens, museums- does he organise any of these cute dates to impress you? Or two months in and you organise a walk (your bar is very low), he gets a drink near his house, leftovers and sex?

well done for cancelling. You deserve so much better. If this is ‘2 months’ then 2 years will be dog shit

Goldenbear · 03/07/2023 21:40

It is a tricky one as if you don't want to go to his and meet out then the leftovers wouldn't have been an option. I don't see food as just energy but if I'm hungry I'd rather just eat so would probably pick up a Waitrose wrap or something akin. Food out is very expensive now and my DH treated us out for dinner yesterday but we are early 40s on good money and we have cut back so much that DH fed up as he likes eating out. DH has always been a foodie though so he would take me out in our 20s for lots of dinners but his choice as it was cheaper then and he did have way more money than me. Like his friends though he is really in to cooking and good food so I think some men are, others just don't care. He's obviously the latter.

Snowy2022 · 03/07/2023 21:43

I will be succinct.

Thank you for your updates and clearing up things.
Well done for cancelling.
Not accepting the fall hall choices at your end and deciding to tell you he has already eaten (eating left-overs) sound like he is concerned about £££. London can be expensive. It could also point to the low opinion he has of you, but you have saved this option by cancelling.

Phobiaphobic · 03/07/2023 21:55

Suprima · 03/07/2023 21:38

you really need to stop believe it’s princessy that a date would consider your comfort

literal hobos out there expecting sex and female company with the minimal effort possible

you are in London. There are a million things to do for free which aren’t Mayfair dinners. I think he can do a bit better than a walk. Cheap midweek theatre tickets, researching live music at a pub, board game cafes, street food, botanical gardens, museums- does he organise any of these cute dates to impress you? Or two months in and you organise a walk (your bar is very low), he gets a drink near his house, leftovers and sex?

well done for cancelling. You deserve so much better. If this is ‘2 months’ then 2 years will be dog shit

Show quote history

This is really solid advice, OP.

Katey83 · 03/07/2023 22:06

‘I was looking forward to dinner and I’m hungry - let’s reschedule.’

BlockbusterVideoCard · 03/07/2023 22:10

He's obviously saving the pennies and/or doesn't want to waste food. Very sensible. Can't you just eat earlier? And go for a drink with some snacks after the walk? At least he's told you ahead. As an example, when we're not cooking for two in the evening or going out to eat together, my partner has dinner at work at lunchtime, for ease. If you otherwise like him, I don't think you have a problem. If there are other things making you wonder, well.

Viviennemary · 03/07/2023 22:10

I would give it a miss. If you wanted to go out for a meal but disappointing its only drinks. He could have invited you to share his leftovers and you could have made a contibution of some food too. Cant see much of a future here.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 03/07/2023 22:13

Sorry to be blunt but your standards for how you expect men to treat you are abysmally low.

Busybeemumm · 03/07/2023 22:14

I think the writing is on the wall- sorry to say but he just isn't that into you. Don't waste any more time with him. Move on fast onto your next date and leave him to his left overs. Good luck OP. You will know when you find the right one for you- don't compromise and set the bar low.

Chocolateship · 03/07/2023 22:15

waitingforautumn · 03/07/2023 21:16

Hi everyone - thanks for all your replies and discussion, tbh I've been blown away by some of your support! 💐 haven't disappeared however I have been busy having a lovely evening in with my housemate with wine + pasta.

Just want to clear up some things as my post was written hurriedly:
Yes we are both under 30, in London, where unless you are ££££ it is house shares sadly, wish I could change that. I don't want to stay over w him yet - we've been dating for 1.5mos. He gets that I enjoy dates outside the flats and has been respectful of this.

Yes I was straight from work

Original plan he suggested was to go for a quiz night at a bar quite far away (a solid hr away) - no mention of food, I just assumed we'd get something or other out. I asked if we could do that quiz night another day since it's far from where I'd need to travel from tonight. He suggested it on the day so can't have taken much thought.

Instead I proposed that I come his way for the above walk/pub trip (assuming there'd be something for us both at the pub) OR that he could come to my area where there's a bunch of food/drink options, food halls etc ... To which he said the walk/drink would be preferable over the food/drink options my way as he had the leftovers, which slashed my hopes of getting something/anything out as part of a shared experience. It would be not ideal to force something down before travelling to him, though I could technically sort myself out.

I defo don't expect to be "spoiled" per se and sorry if I come across like a princess - haven't even been seeing him for two months yet so glad there are some responses on here which agree that this is his window to be trying to impress!!! I just like initiative and the guy suggesting things that I might not have thought of, valuing meals out, being considerate of my comfort...

Make plans to go for food if you want to go for food- it's not unreasonable for him to have eaten if the rough plan thrown out there was a quiz. He even said the walk would be preferable but didn't say that was the only thing he would do, you could have said I know you've already eaten but I'd like some food could we find a bar or something or ill grab food and then meet you after if you travel to me. Basically if you have a set idea about what you want then say! To him things like the gig are thoughtful if he loves music, and a quiz is a decent date but he respected when you said no (which wasn't unreasonable due to distance). He hasn't not planned anything or text you out of the blue to rain on your dinner plans, just talk to him about what you want to do!

SamW98 · 03/07/2023 22:17

Personally i think you just need a chat about both of your expectations. Nothing too deep of heavy but just say to him you like to eat out and if would be nice to sit and enjoying meals out together. Then give him the chance to tell you what he enjoys.
If you like this guy then communication is the key from both sides. So just be open with each other and don’t assume.

You might not be right for each other but at least you’ve tried to have a discussion

Original poster

waitingforautumn · 03/07/2023 22:19

Katey83 · 03/07/2023 22:06

‘I was looking forward to dinner and I’m hungry - let’s reschedule.’

This 🤣

OP posts:

BlockbusterVideoCard · 03/07/2023 22:20

I think it's princessy to expect to go out on dates which cost money in a cost of living crisis in a very expensive city. Not everyone is good at suggesting creative dates, or being organised well in advance; you could suggest things that would suit you and then you can see how willing he is to join in and that would give you a better idea of how selfish or adaptable or not he is and frankly how interested.

The important thing is, what's he LIKE?

Maybe he's lazy-minded, broke, and not that fussed about you so it's fine not to bother dating him again if you are getting the vibe that he doesn't meet your basic expectations. It might be that you need to date people in their 40s with money and their own home only. If you can find ones that want to date you, that is, given that you are living in your houseshare with limited means. 🙄

Chocolateship · 03/07/2023 22:20

waitingforautumn · 03/07/2023 22:19

This 🤣

Show quote history

But there was no dinner planned! Even if you'd agreed to the quiz you assumed there'd be food, just bloody ask him to go for food if that's what you want dhsiidoebwuev

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 22:31

@Suprima

...you really need to stop believe it’s princessy that a date would consider your comfort.

literal hobos out there expecting sex and female company with the minimal effort possible

you are in London. There are a million things to do for free which aren’t Mayfair dinners. I think he can do a bit better than a walk. Cheap midweek theatre tickets, researching live music at a pub, board game cafes, street food, botanical gardens, museums- does he organise any of these cute dates to impress you? Or two months in andyouorganise a walk (your bar is very low), he gets a drink near his house, leftovers and sex?

well done for cancelling. You deserve so much better. If this is ‘2 months’ then 2 years will be dog shit

100% this exactly. ^ I'm actually disturbed and slightly worried that there are quite a number of women on here who think this guy is OK and some posters are being big old meanies to him, and he sounds like a real catch. And that it's perfectly OK how he's behaving. Fuck me! It's not PRINCESSY to not want to be treated like a third rate fucking citizen by some lazy, half-arsed, skinflint male!

He's an absolute skinflint and a tightwad... He wants to dish leftovers to himself and not even have anything left for his girlfriend, and expects her to come over all the way to him for a fucking walk! He sounds like a fucking tool!

As the poster I quoted said, there are some twatty dud men out there who expect female company and a fuck, with the smallest amount of effort possible from him. What a shit husband he will make. This type never lifts a finger in the house OR does his share of childcare. These are early signs. Take heed of them!

Seriously, some women on here have such desperately low standards in men! I feel sorry for them and I pity them and I fear for their future. No way in the name of fucking hell would I allow my daughter to accept the same kind of SHIT as this man is dishing out. Utterly shameful. Anyone that thinks the way the OP is being treated is acceptable needs to give their head a wobble.

@waitingforautumn As the OP said well done for cancelling !!! This man sounds like an absolute doughnut and is a complete dud. You are worth so so much better. You sound absolutely lovely. Lots of best wishes, and the best of luck to you. You will find a man worthy of you soon! Ditch him! Don't waste another second on him. He will only get worse.

Whether he is a tightwad OR just broke, he's a walking red flag. There are very few things worse than a man who is tight and mean with money. As I said, they make the worst husbands (and fathers.) They are usually selfish and boring and crap in bed too!

Wife2b · 03/07/2023 22:33

DeliciouslyDecadent · 03/07/2023 19:54

It's shocking how when half the posts on MN are about the cost of living and how no one can manage, that this guy is coming under some much criticism for living within his means (and possibly on the breadline.)

The OP hasn't told him she'd go halves- she says 'I always split bills, ' but that doesn't mean she's done it with him.

All the tosh about eat the leftovers another day- well, maybe they will be off by tomorrow?

I think she's a bit insensitive because anyone else might have said 'Sure, that's fine, eating out is expensive ' [even a pub meal is a tenner at least.] 'I;ll grab something before I set out. Might be slightly later in arriving'.

This. So many people struggling at the moment, yet this guy is criticised for living within his budget. OP lives in London which is an expensive place to live, let alone restaurants etc. She says herself that she wants to be spoiled which indicates an expectation of him to pay. All those with sons, would you be happy for him to be treated this way?! I can imagine what would be said about that.

EarthSight · 03/07/2023 22:33

He might not be poor or 'broke'. He might not like spending a lot of money on dates because he either goes on a lot of them, or he's mean with money anyway, or he's not that interested in you he's looking to invest as little as possible in this date.

ScribblingPixie · 03/07/2023 22:34

You dodged a bullet with the weather anyway - who'd have wanted to go for a walk tonight?

EarthSight · 03/07/2023 22:36

@PurpleButterflyWings You don't live near Snowdonia do you? Your post made me laugh and I could do with that right now. 😂

Maddy70 · 03/07/2023 22:54

He's tight or skint. Either way you need to clarify

JenniferBooth · 03/07/2023 22:57

On the who should pay on dates threads the usual suspects always rock up and say the woman should go halves
BUT this thread shows that that still isnt enough.