He's eaten before our date

[waitingforautumn]

Not a first date, several in. He was supposed to be taking me out tonight but he's messaged during the day to say that he's got a load of leftovers in that he needs to eat so he will eat first (before a walk/drink in his area). I'm the one who's travelling to see him and would need to spend on a taxi home given our locations. I don't expect dinner on him or anything, I always split bills, but it would be nice if we could enjoy some food and drink together after this walk! I can appreciate that if his housemates are in this eve it might not be easy to switch to having a night in, so I won't question that - however if it were me I would let the leftovers sit and find something we could eat/drink together!! AIBU that this has p'd me off? I feel a bit deflated as was excited to see him. Why eat first like it's some sort of job? Knowing your date won't have eaten after a day at work?!

Last date was a gig that he arranged so we didn't have food then either but it was fine as could bring snacks etc and went for a drink after. Would have been nice for dinner to have been factored in. He does seem to be a fan of chilled dates like food markets/picnics, helps that it is summer. But it would be nice for things to be a bit more planned. I feel bad suggesting dinners in case it's a money thing. But being early days it's nice to go out and feel like you're being spoilt a bit?! Maybe I'm just grumpy because it's Monday and I didn't enjoy the lunch I had a few hrs ago!! What's your take?

At this stage you should both be fizzing with budding romantic chemistry. Forget him.

He’s Selfish just buy yourself something when you’re out he seems tight

So it seems most people are saying he's broke. 🤔 Im not sure. My hubby took me for dinner on our first date - he paid even though he was in his overdraft (admitted it later), so I think he's stingy.

But whatever the reason, he's really not thinking about you is he?! It's early days, so you could walk away pretty much unscathed.

It could be that money is a bit tight at the moment and he is too embarrassed to tell you.

I doubt OP is coming back.

Hardly surprising really is it? Seeing as how so many posters on here have made her out to be some precious little princess who wants the moon on a stick. When all she wants is a man who isn't a tight-arsed twat who expect her to travel to HIM for a WALK, (after he has eaten his fucking leftovers of course!)

As some posters have said (including me,) it's amazing how low the bar is for some posters here.

@Suprima

Once again threads bring out the low standards ladies who think he’s a really nice financially savvy bloke who is on a budget and OP IS A MEAN PRINCESS and HOW DARE SHE EXPECT ANYTHING MORE THAN A WALK.

Some of you have never had a man do anything nice for you- and it shows. Because if you think it’s all about ‘money’ rather than effort and interest, then that’s the reason why your Nigel hasn’t done anything nice for you- not that he can’t afford it and you are a PRINCESS. It's because he doesn’t give a shit.

I have dated some broke men in London - but you know what? they organised some nice picnics, cooking from home and bringing a lovely £7 bottle of wine - and they would research those free ‘secret London’ running tours and orienteering sessions that they advertise on MeetUp. We would go to free museums and galleries, once they found out that was my thing.

MONEY IS NOT THE ISSUE!

its the fact that he is demonstrating no interest nor effort. OP is pulling the weight TWO MONTHS IN.

if you can’t see the issue here- fuck me, I feel sorry for you.

100% this. ^ As I said, the bar is set SO low for men, with some women on here that it's scraping on the floor. These men LOVE women like this, because they don't have to do anything or make any effort or pay for anything. She will come running like a little handmaid because da poor menz only has an iccle bit of moneyz, and he's working soooo hard to save. LOL gullible much?! 😆These men have money, they just don't want to spend it YOU.

I have a really good friend who is going through a tough time. We don’t live in the same countries, but we are close. She is very intelligent, fully aware of what she doing and can speak logically about it all. Essentially she’s been blocked from work due to some mental health issues and her way to cope with this is that she’s refusing to eat. She’s been offered a full salary whilst she is off work but she is angry about the work that she’s been excluded from as this is what she thrives on, not the money. She feels that her only way to control the situation is to refuse to eat, as a punishment for those who are preventing her from working (likely for her best interests as she’s been erratic and in need of support). So, bottom line is, how best can I support her? I know that eating disorders are about control so I don’t need more advice on this - I just want to know what’s best for me to do, as her friend, other than just to listen. Thanks X

id have messaged and just replied that as you will need eat before meeting for the walk the date needs to be an hour later.

It doesn’t make him a bad person, but not someone you would want to have a relationship with.

@Frogpond well I pretty much consider food is simply fuel and don’t enjoy it as a social activity but I have managed to have a relationship with someone (I’m married!).
He needed to eat after work, she needed to eat after work…why didn’t she just grab something to eat?

Because she is travelling to his area straight after work and maybe doesn’t fancy a sandwich on the bus for dinner?

@Aprilx they didn’t arrange to eat out as part of the date though.
Anyway…this was all a couple of days ago now. Hopefully the OP is over what essentially seems to just be a miss communication.

@Needmorelego Because she didn’t want to. Not surprisingly she opted out of travelling an hour to a place convenient to him, to have to buy something she could stuff in her mouth before meeting him. If that sort of date sounds appealing to you, by all means go.

Everyone seems to think he is young skint selfish into casual dates etc,but has anyone thought that he might have a problem with eating in front of people,? If it bothers you so much,phone him up and tell him it's over as you don't think he is serious about dating you as you are him, then find someone who treats you the way you want to be treated

@Frogpond she agreed to the date ! If she didn’t want to do that she should have said “no thanks”.
I used to travel straight from work by train for over an hour to see my now husband when we were first together.
I often ate on the train.
He also did the journey in reverse to see me.
Oh and some of our dates were going for a walk too.
Shocking I know!

Thanks everyone, I've been reading what you've been saying and weighing it up. Everyone makes a fair point 😂😂 (only thing I'll say is it's def not food anxiety)

I'm glad I rescheduled Monday. Had a chat about how it made me feel to hear that leftovers were Monday nights priority when I was travelling the distance ... I don't think he realised I was so annoyed about it, he just saw it as a very functional thing - ie had loads of leftovers from his weekend get together w fam and why throw them in the bin when we could still spend some quality time together.

I am gauging that spending money on meals isn't his favourite thing. Has no reservations spending on drinks and is proactive in planning activities for us to do... picnics, games, ping pong golf etc. I think food/meals/quality time is my love language though so I will work on speaking up for myself going forward ! I'm def less activity driven so I do wonder why the meal/person can't be an activity in its own right. It's nice to go out my usual way a bit I suppose.

Last night was rescheduled as an activity (all him) and I did make a point about how it would be nice to factor food in to make it feel more like a date - I was perfectly content with the starters/sides on offer at the place we went to whilst we had drinks and did the games. He took the initiative to get my half whilst I booked my uber home (it was 1hr by public transport as there were disruptions and it was dark/pouring down, not ideal at midnight, which is why I'm a "taxi girl" occasionally 😉)

All in all I will give him a few more dates to see how I feel. Thanks everyone the discussions has been quite eye opening xx

@waitingforautumn glad you had a nice time in the end 🙂

It isn't stingy to not go into debt over a date don't be ridiculous! If anything it is stingy to let someone pay when they are getting into debt over it.

Glad your date went well OP and you’ve had a bit of a conversation regarding what you both enjoy as far as dates go.

I have to say I’m not a big eating out sort of person so needing to eat as part of a date wouldn’t always cross my mind. But that’s not just with dates. If I’m out with friends I don’t ever stop to eat whereas some of them like to.

I don’t think either if you are wrong here, just different ideas. And I think it’s better to both show who you are and what you’re into early on rather than this idea of trying to impress.

From your updates, I’m not sure you’re on same page but as you say maybe go out again and gauge your gut feelings about him.

Hes either got no money, or he may have food issues.
I hate going for meals, my worst nightmare because i suffer with IBS a doctor put me on a specific diet, which is a lot of faffing around, which restaurants dont do.
So if you like him, and want to keep seeing him, tell him i wont be able to meet you until X as im coming straight from work and will need to eat.
He may invite you to share his leftovers, or not.

Ahh just read your update, apologies.

why? my first date with my husband was a walk, ended up being about 4 hour walk up and down a beach but it was lovely (I took my dog, he had to like her!!)

You hadn't arranged to eat out then.
You are a grown adult who knew you were going out from work so could have pre arranged your food or arranged to eat with him.
He isn't a mind reader is he?
Think you are being precious about this.

Sounds like you’ve both communicated well about this now and are able to compromise. Good signs. If you’re looking for someone long term - while going out for dinner is lovely if it’s your thing - there are definitely more important things in life that you both need to be on the page with. I’d definitely give it a few more dates. Good luck! Hope it works out - you both seem like nice people.

Thanks for the update @@waitingforautumn He probably didn't mean to offend you, but I would still be massively on your guard if I were you. He sounds like a man who is going to be constantly counting the pennies, and I don't think any woman wants to be saddled with a man long term, who is like that. You're in for a rough ride in life if you settle with a tight-fisted, penny-pinching man.