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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's eaten before our date

355 replies

waitingforautumn · 03/07/2023 17:04

Not a first date, several in. He was supposed to be taking me out tonight but he's messaged during the day to say that he's got a load of leftovers in that he needs to eat so he will eat first (before a walk/drink in his area). I'm the one who's travelling to see him and would need to spend on a taxi home given our locations. I don't expect dinner on him or anything, I always split bills, but it would be nice if we could enjoy some food and drink together after this walk! I can appreciate that if his housemates are in this eve it might not be easy to switch to having a night in, so I won't question that - however if it were me I would let the leftovers sit and find something we could eat/drink together!! AIBU that this has p'd me off? I feel a bit deflated as was excited to see him. Why eat first like it's some sort of job? Knowing your date won't have eaten after a day at work?!

Last date was a gig that he arranged so we didn't have food then either but it was fine as could bring snacks etc and went for a drink after. Would have been nice for dinner to have been factored in. He does seem to be a fan of chilled dates like food markets/picnics, helps that it is summer. But it would be nice for things to be a bit more planned. I feel bad suggesting dinners in case it's a money thing. But being early days it's nice to go out and feel like you're being spoilt a bit?! Maybe I'm just grumpy because it's Monday and I didn't enjoy the lunch I had a few hrs ago!! What's your take?

OP posts:
HopelessEstateAgents · 03/07/2023 22:58

So does he get another chance or is that it?

LaPerduta · 03/07/2023 22:58

Maybe the leftover food had a "best before date" label which he misunderstood...

JenniferBooth · 03/07/2023 23:00

No @Wife2b OP has said several times that she goes halves. Your internalised misogyny is making you gaslight the OP

category12 · 03/07/2023 23:06

Wife2b · 03/07/2023 22:33

This. So many people struggling at the moment, yet this guy is criticised for living within his budget. OP lives in London which is an expensive place to live, let alone restaurants etc. She says herself that she wants to be spoiled which indicates an expectation of him to pay. All those with sons, would you be happy for him to be treated this way?! I can imagine what would be said about that.

Show quote history

I'd want a son of mine be considerate and think about the practicalities for his date a bit - like not suggesting she travels an hour to a quiz night or have her do all the travelling. It's only fair to meet halfway on a work night.

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 23:20

EarthSight · 03/07/2023 22:36

@PurpleButterflyWings You don't live near Snowdonia do you? Your post made me laugh and I could do with that right now. 😂

Blush 😆

I am about 35-40 miles away from this beautiful area!!! Grin

Wendysfriend · 03/07/2023 23:36

OMG can't stand scabbiness!! A cheese burger from Mc Donald's won't put him on the bread line. Most people split bills now anyway, not like you were telling him to bring you and pay for food in a 5 star restaurant.

The pure excitement from this man, imagine , turning up at his place after working a full day and starving, he's standing there shovelling down the contents of his fridge, then for a walk and a pub fuckin quiz... No you did right staying home.

After 1.5 months he should be showing you his best side, maybe this is it, maybe this will be your life, every date he'll turn up with a flask and leftovers. He might treat you to a Mc Donald's on your big birthdays.

QueenBitch666 · 03/07/2023 23:53

Talking about having to eat leftovers so early on in a relationship would have me running for the hills

Ghosttofu99 · 04/07/2023 00:07

BlockbusterVideoCard · 03/07/2023 22:20

I think it's princessy to expect to go out on dates which cost money in a cost of living crisis in a very expensive city. Not everyone is good at suggesting creative dates, or being organised well in advance; you could suggest things that would suit you and then you can see how willing he is to join in and that would give you a better idea of how selfish or adaptable or not he is and frankly how interested.

The important thing is, what's he LIKE?

Maybe he's lazy-minded, broke, and not that fussed about you so it's fine not to bother dating him again if you are getting the vibe that he doesn't meet your basic expectations. It might be that you need to date people in their 40s with money and their own home only. If you can find ones that want to date you, that is, given that you are living in your houseshare with limited means. 🙄

Harsh

If he’s a genuine person it doesn’t take much to be upfront and say ‘I’m strapped for cash right now but we can walk past the Londis/OneStop on our romantic walk so you can grab a cheese sandwich’ type thing.

It’s understandable to be embarrassed about having no money on a first or second date but after a month just be clear about the situation so everyone knows what the expectation is.

The whole idea that preventing someone else from having a meal of any kind (he’s not missing out as has fully planned his dinner) should be pandered to just incase there is some deep backstory that might hurt his feelings is very Mumsnet.

Wife2b · 04/07/2023 00:41

JenniferBooth · 03/07/2023 23:00

No @Wife2b OP has said several times that she goes halves. Your internalised misogyny is making you gaslight the OP

She said she goes halves and then in the same post says she wants to be spoilt. Regardless of whether she goes halves or not, there is clearly an expectation of hoping he will foot the bill to spoil her.

mellicauli · 04/07/2023 00:42

Your a taxi kind of girl. You like to go out for a meal. You like to feel spoiled.
And he doesn't like to waste leftovers.
I think you are probably incompatible.

TommyNever · 04/07/2023 00:48

Ghosttofu99 · 04/07/2023 00:07

Harsh

If he’s a genuine person it doesn’t take much to be upfront and say ‘I’m strapped for cash right now but we can walk past the Londis/OneStop on our romantic walk so you can grab a cheese sandwich’ type thing.

It’s understandable to be embarrassed about having no money on a first or second date but after a month just be clear about the situation so everyone knows what the expectation is.

The whole idea that preventing someone else from having a meal of any kind (he’s not missing out as has fully planned his dinner) should be pandered to just incase there is some deep backstory that might hurt his feelings is very Mumsnet.

Show quote history

"preventing someone else from having a meal of any kind"

Lordy, what a bounder! Actually smacking food out of her hand!

"No! You vill not eat on zis date! I haff already eaten, you vill eat nussing, do you hear? NUSSING!"😂

echt · 04/07/2023 00:49

Wife2b · 04/07/2023 00:41

She said she goes halves and then in the same post says she wants to be spoilt. Regardless of whether she goes halves or not, there is clearly an expectation of hoping he will foot the bill to spoil her.

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Have you read the OP's update @Wife2b ? The OP explains.

GarlicGrace · 04/07/2023 00:54

I have been busy having a lovely evening in with my housemate with wine + pasta.

Thanks for coming back, @waitingforautumn. Sounds like a far more comfortable evening!

Pretty sure you can do better than Mr "I've got leftovers, you can come all this way & then starve" 😏

thishasnotmyweek · 04/07/2023 01:14

I think people are being really harsh about ‘broke’ people or people who like to save money on this thread. There are plenty of people struggling now through no real fault of their own - we shouldn’t be bashing people who are trying their best to save money. Maybe he’s trying to save to get his own place so he doesn’t have to live with housemates anymore?

but that aside, I hate guys who aren’t considerate. Him suggesting you go to a pub quiz and hour away from you is super inconsiderate in my mind. Then him saying about the leftovers without even considering what you’re going to eat screams red flags to me.

you van also be better at communicating though. Why didn’t you say…

’oh I was thinking we’d eat together since coming straight from work so won’t have eaten’

or when you suggested the date ideas why didn’t you say ‘I’d like to grab dinner together if you’re up for it?’

people aren’t mind readers and you need to be clear with what you want

lilacsinbloom · 04/07/2023 02:56

He's not that into you.

Frogpond · 04/07/2023 03:05

LaPerduta · 03/07/2023 22:58

Maybe the leftover food had a "best before date" label which he misunderstood...

Love it 😂

Frogpond · 04/07/2023 03:11

He planned a date based on his wants and needs. He knew you were travelling to meet him from work, and planned only for himself to eat. I don’t think I would bother with this one. I’m glad you canceled. You want to date someone who at least considers your basic needs.

Theoldwoman · 04/07/2023 06:03

Wife2b · 03/07/2023 22:33

This. So many people struggling at the moment, yet this guy is criticised for living within his budget. OP lives in London which is an expensive place to live, let alone restaurants etc. She says herself that she wants to be spoiled which indicates an expectation of him to pay. All those with sons, would you be happy for him to be treated this way?! I can imagine what would be said about that.

Show quote history

Exactly!

SpainToday · 04/07/2023 06:55

So does this mean you’re seeing him tonight (Tuesday} OP?

Aprilx · 04/07/2023 07:54

waitingforautumn · 03/07/2023 21:29

And to add I do love a walk! It was my suggestion - love that you can talk, food isn't the immediate priority but it leaves the option open to get something together after. Provided nobody fills up on leftovers 😂😂

I like walking too, I used to be in walking groups, I go walking with my husband. But a walk after work for a date in a very new relationship is pretty crap, I wouldn’t bother.

GoodChat · 04/07/2023 08:38

The plan was never to eat together. If you want to eat together, say so.

oviraptor21 · 04/07/2023 08:48

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 22:31

@Suprima

...you really need to stop believe it’s princessy that a date would consider your comfort.

literal hobos out there expecting sex and female company with the minimal effort possible

you are in London. There are a million things to do for free which aren’t Mayfair dinners. I think he can do a bit better than a walk. Cheap midweek theatre tickets, researching live music at a pub, board game cafes, street food, botanical gardens, museums- does he organise any of these cute dates to impress you? Or two months in andyouorganise a walk (your bar is very low), he gets a drink near his house, leftovers and sex?

well done for cancelling. You deserve so much better. If this is ‘2 months’ then 2 years will be dog shit

100% this exactly. ^ I'm actually disturbed and slightly worried that there are quite a number of women on here who think this guy is OK and some posters are being big old meanies to him, and he sounds like a real catch. And that it's perfectly OK how he's behaving. Fuck me! Confused It's not PRINCESSY to not want to be treated like a third rate fucking citizen by some lazy, half-arsed, skinflint male!

He's an absolute skinflint and a tightwad... He wants to dish leftovers to himself and not even have anything left for his girlfriend, and expects her to come over all the way to him for a fucking walk! He sounds like a fucking tool!

As the poster I quoted said, there are some twatty dud men out there who expect female company and a fuck, with the smallest amount of effort possible from him. What a shit husband he will make. This type never lifts a finger in the house OR does his share of childcare. These are early signs. Take heed of them!

Seriously, some women on here have such desperately low standards in men! I feel sorry for them and I pity them and I fear for their future. No way in the name of fucking hell would I allow my daughter to accept the same kind of SHIT as this man is dishing out. Utterly shameful. Anyone that thinks the way the OP is being treated is acceptable needs to give their head a wobble.

@waitingforautumn As the OP said well done for cancelling !!! This man sounds like an absolute doughnut and is a complete dud. You are worth so so much better. You sound absolutely lovely. Lots of best wishes, and the best of luck to you. You will find a man worthy of you soon! Ditch him! Don't waste another second on him. He will only get worse.

Whether he is a tightwad OR just broke, he's a walking red flag. There are very few things worse than a man who is tight and mean with money. As I said, they make the worst husbands (and fathers.) They are usually selfish and boring and crap in bed too!

Is that you again @PurpleButterflyWings ?

Ah yes, of course it is.

Needmorelego · 04/07/2023 09:02

@Frogpond everyone has a “basic need” to eat. You said he wasn’t thinking about her basic needs. What about his need to eat.
For some people food is simply fuel and not a social activity.
Doesn’t mean they are a bad/selfish person.

Bluebells1970 · 04/07/2023 10:40

So he was happy to spend money on drinks in a pub and happy to let you go travel for an hour to do so and be hungry?

This guy is making literally zero effort to woo you. Dates don't have to equal spending money.... his leftovers could have made a picnic in the park if he was that skint.

Suprima · 04/07/2023 11:10

Once again threads bring out the low standards ladies who think he’s a really nice financially savvy bloke who is on a budget and OP IS A MEAN PRINCESS HOW DARE SHE EXPECT ANYTHING MORE THAN A WALK

some of you have never had a man do anything nice for you- and it shows. Because if you think it’s all about ‘money’ rather than effort and interest, then that’s the reason why you Nigel hasn’t done anything nice for you- because he can’t afford it and you aren’t a PrInCeSs. Not because he doesn’t give a shit

I have dated some broke men in London

but you know what?

they organised some nice picnics, cooking from home and bringing a lovely £7 bottle of wine

they would research those free ‘secret London’ running tours and orienteering sessions that they advertise on MeetUp

we would go to free museums and galleries, once they found out that was my thing

MONEY IS NOT THE ISSUE

its the fact that he is demonstrating no interest nor effort. OP is pulling the weight TWO MONTHS IN.

if you can’t see the issue here- fuck me, i feel sorry for you

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