He's eaten before our date

[waitingforautumn]

Not a first date, several in. He was supposed to be taking me out tonight but he's messaged during the day to say that he's got a load of leftovers in that he needs to eat so he will eat first (before a walk/drink in his area). I'm the one who's travelling to see him and would need to spend on a taxi home given our locations. I don't expect dinner on him or anything, I always split bills, but it would be nice if we could enjoy some food and drink together after this walk! I can appreciate that if his housemates are in this eve it might not be easy to switch to having a night in, so I won't question that - however if it were me I would let the leftovers sit and find something we could eat/drink together!! AIBU that this has p'd me off? I feel a bit deflated as was excited to see him. Why eat first like it's some sort of job? Knowing your date won't have eaten after a day at work?!

Last date was a gig that he arranged so we didn't have food then either but it was fine as could bring snacks etc and went for a drink after. Would have been nice for dinner to have been factored in. He does seem to be a fan of chilled dates like food markets/picnics, helps that it is summer. But it would be nice for things to be a bit more planned. I feel bad suggesting dinners in case it's a money thing. But being early days it's nice to go out and feel like you're being spoilt a bit?! Maybe I'm just grumpy because it's Monday and I didn't enjoy the lunch I had a few hrs ago!! What's your take?

Well that isn't why I suggested this line of thought as my DH constantly treats me, bought all meals out (frequently) in our 20s but we are early 40s now and my understanding is that there isn't that kind of money about anymore so he may need to eat leftovers. we had a shared house but I would say a quarter of monthly income went on rent so loads left for a good time if you were in a professional job. Then again, you make good points about researching stuff to do and the effort to do this. Also, the OP should have been offered dinner at his.

Agree 100%

Amazing how many women keep the bar so low!
If he’s a proper man and if he really likes you, he should be making dates as pleasant and comfortable for you as possible.

He knew she was coming straight from work and must have realised she'd probably want something to eat at some point, he could've waited. OP said she'd have been happy with McDonalds and she never said she expected him to pay half

*Never expected him to pay that should've said

Well, exactly. If you're coming straight from work to somewhere, you're going to have to eat when you get there.

More than anything it's his thoughtlessness I'm noticing.

He's obviously as tight as a duck's A*!

@MeinKraft she nerve said it was responsibility . She Said she happy to pay her own way but she needs to eat .
Him
messaging that shows he knows she would need to eat as she was coming over starlight from work . So he’s either skint or doesn’t want to spend cash on her (thinking he might have to ) or he’s not that into spending on food.

They just aren’t compatible.

My first date with my now husband (many moons ago), we were both utterly skint so we had a bag of chips and a walk. We're still together, going strong and have a much better relationship than many I know who put a lot of emphasis on romance only being fancy restaurants and expensive stuff. You could easily lose out on something special and real by not accepting simple.

I think I’d cancel.

Cancel what? The cheque?

I think a lot of you are jumping to conclusions here that the chap is being inconsiderate.

I remember avoiding eating based dates due to having anxiety attacks when eating (weird one but nobody's perfect). He should come out and say it and hope she understands but in my experience, there's a lot of misunderstanding in the dating scene

Some people don't have an eating-culture, eating is just refuelling. Not a lot you can do about I think. Still I would mention eating (out) together is important for you, and ask him about his thoughts about this.

It's only just gone payday...he can't be broke yet...surely.

It could be a number of reasons he’s avoiding eating out financial, he’s got an eating in public complex; he’s got a eating disorder; he’s got ocd & can only eat food he’s seen prepared; he eats like a caveman & doesn’t feel comfortable with you seeing him with his hunk of meat in one hand & his veg in the other……. That reads incredibly rudely 😂😂😂😂

He’s either skint or inconsiderate

I'm familiar witih this from someone who is close to me too. And it really hurt because I love going out to dinner.

But I realised they had immense anxiety around eating in public - happened after the pandemic, I feel a lot of us developed stuff around eating during that time.

So I wouldn't automatically assume it is selfishness or even skint-ness.

Might be that.

Not everyone gets paid on the same day. I'm on a 4 weekly schedule so it varies month to month

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

Obviously if you enjoy it then lovely but I detest walking as a pastime.

Someone saying ‘I’m utterly skint but I’d love to see you - shall we grab some chips and sit by the river and feed the ducks’ would be lovely.

I don’t need loads of romance or big gestures but I do need to do things I enjoy and to feel like they want to see me.

Expecting OP to travel a significant distance straight from work and to not even consider getting food in some way suggests thoughtlessness to me.

If he can afford a night drinking he can afford a cheap dinner.

Eh? You think everyone gets paid on the same day? I work for a large bank and get paid on the 20th of the month.

😁If you're ever in the area and fancy a laugh and chat in a coffee shop over funny or barmy things we've seen on Mumsnet, message me.

Does he know he can freeze leftovers? He can buy those microwaveable plastic containers and when he has leftovers from cooking, put into a container and pop into the freezer.

very handy for those days when you really can’t be bothered to cook, and good food doesn’t go to waste.

What kind of guy tells a girl he is seeing he is eating his left overs before he meets up with her. Sorry that's an ick

This exactly.

He’s let you know he will have eaten before your ‘drink and a walk’ so you can either eat beforehand, or go somewhere you can order food.

In all honestly though, a walk and a drink after work when I have to travel by taxi wouldn’t be something I’d be bending over backwards to get to. I’d probably have suggested eating when the plans were made, or have met up at the weekend instead.

Who suggested this? Sounds like something people would have done during the pandemic when folks only met up outdoors and in beer gardens!

It's probably money related (I take it he's spending a lot of his income on his London rent and doesn't have a very well-paid job?). And eating out in London these days generally isn't a cheap option. Also, perhaps he's inexperienced with dating or lacking confidence to tell you about his circs.

I think telling him how you feel next time you see him would be wise. Good luck - I too would find it annoying!

Just read the updates. Would have been more accommodating on his part if he had taken the option of visiting your area. Unless you tend to do turn about.