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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Estranged Son - AIBU to not have him back under my roof.

169 replies

mrsneate · 03/07/2023 16:50

From the ages of 15-19 he put me though hell, lied, stole, destroyed my house and belongings. For a long time I would have to have locks on bedroom doors etc

He's now 21. Already has one DC (3yo) 16 months ago after finding out he's lost his third job in six months due to not turning up and that he'd gotten his new girlfriend pregnant, it blew up. I told him I will not support another child of his whilst he sits on his arse,

He told me to FxxK off, and whilst I was dropping my youngest dc to his residential school trip he had packed his bags and left. Turned up and the girlfs parents and told a load of lies, including I'd kicked him out, I'd kept all his wages/benefits from him, I never gave him food etc, I was withholding his birth certificate so he could t get his own account,

None of it true, I paid out a serious amount of money on baby items, a dna test and fed and clothed him, and his son and the new girlf 3/4 days a week, his room was like a squatters room, it was disgusting.

Anyway, I tried telling the girlfs mother what he was like when she contacted me to say he was there, she sent many abusive messages calling me an unfit mother. Threatening to report me to social services and the professional body (work related) I blocked her,

Over the weekend I got a message of someone that she was trying to contact me regarding my son, turns out she's finally had enough and was demanding I go an collect him (45 min drive away)

I refused, I cannot have him back living with me. He stole a lot of money and items off me. Now I'm on edge in my own home again, he doesn't know where we live as I've now moved in with DP, but in the same village so wouldn't be rocket science to find it. But he's also had the nerve to text my middle son today asking him to sneak out with the dog to meet him. I think so he can follow him home to find out where we live.

I have tried numerous times to reach out to him and he's ignored me and every single family member since he left, got in with the wrong crowd. But more disgustingly, has abandoned his son and hasn't seen him in 16 months either.

I don't want him in my home, I don't want to go back to living on edge waiting for trouble at the door, him to steal thing (especially now do has bought me a fair bit of expensive jewellery!)

OP posts:
Kimten · 03/07/2023 16:53

Fuckin' no way would I let him back in.

DyslexicPoster · 03/07/2023 16:54

No don't have back. He is an adult now plus he left of his own choice

Rainbow1901 · 03/07/2023 16:54

He's an adult - now he needs to act like one!!

If you don't want him back - just say so!!

cuckyplunt · 03/07/2023 16:54

If he turns up, call the police. He needs to stand on his own feet now, he’s a grown-up.

wildfirewonder · 03/07/2023 16:55

He's an adult, you don't have to house him.
If it was my son I would try to maintain some contact if possible/tolerable and offer support if he was making decent choices.

You're allowed to keep yourself safe.

kafkascastle · 03/07/2023 16:57

You are under no obligation to have him back.

Dacadactyl · 03/07/2023 16:58

No I wouldn't have him back but I'd try to keep in touch with his children.

Just call the police if he turns up at your house. He'll have to go into a homeless shelter.

SoWhatEh · 03/07/2023 16:59

You don't have to let him back in. heartbreaking as it is, he needs to work out for himself that he can't treat loved ones like shit and be welcomed back with open arms. He needs to grow up and sort himself out.

You haven't said so but I presume the problems are linked with another more serious problem - drink, drugs, gambling or similar. I might offer to accompany him to a meeting if he needs moral support. Or offer to meet him for coffee after a weekly meeting. But he won't get his act together if he is enabled.

Original poster
mrsneate · 03/07/2023 17:01

SoWhatEh · 03/07/2023 16:59

You don't have to let him back in. heartbreaking as it is, he needs to work out for himself that he can't treat loved ones like shit and be welcomed back with open arms. He needs to grow up and sort himself out.

You haven't said so but I presume the problems are linked with another more serious problem - drink, drugs, gambling or similar. I might offer to accompany him to a meeting if he needs moral support. Or offer to meet him for coffee after a weekly meeting. But he won't get his act together if he is enabled.

Drugs I think. Cannabis. I tried to help him when he was here. He wouldn't have it. Or keep empty promises for a short while

OP posts:
FOJN · 03/07/2023 17:04

The girlfriends mother can kick him out if she's not happy but he is an adult so you are not obliged to race over there and rescue him from homelessness.

It sounds like he has put you through hell, do not invite that trouble back into your home. If he turns up I would call the police without hesitation.

Topseyt123 · 03/07/2023 17:07

Hard though it will undoubtedly be, don't have him back.

My BIL was very similar to how you describe your DS. MIL regularly had him back, bailed him out and gave him a roof over his head, determined than this time was the time he was finally turning over a new leaf. It never happened, he robbed her blind and she ended up terrified of him (though she wouldn't admit that for years).

Stay strong and don't do it.

BamBamBambi · 03/07/2023 17:11

GF mother can kick him out.

But you don’t have to let him back.

If he shows up, call the police.

Mylifeislikeaboatrace · 03/07/2023 17:34

The batshit gf dm was going to report you to social services? What planet is she on? The silly cow was fed a load of lies and turned on you, she can sort it out.
You closed the door you're not coming back in.

LakieLady · 03/07/2023 17:42

Don't have him back, OP.

I know it will be hard, but he's behaved appallingly and will do it again if you let him.

backinthestoneage · 03/07/2023 17:46

And it is a definite no from me. He is an adult and not your responsibility any longer. If you let him back in you will never get rid of him again, In any case you have younger son and partner to consider - do they really want him back in the house trashing the place?

GCalltheway · 03/07/2023 17:49

He is 21 op.
He can find a landlady and lodge elsewhere.
Does he even want to come back? It sounds like his MIL just wants shot, how hasn’t he seen his child if he lives there?

NotOnYourNellies · 03/07/2023 17:53

I think it would be dangerous to have him back @mrsneate

Original poster
mrsneate · 03/07/2023 18:00

GCalltheway · 03/07/2023 17:49

He is 21 op.
He can find a landlady and lodge elsewhere.
Does he even want to come back? It sounds like his MIL just wants shot, how hasn’t he seen his child if he lives there?

It's a new girlf. Not the baby's mother. I'm regularly in contact with my grandsons mum and see him regularly:)

OP posts:
sparkellie · 03/07/2023 18:07

So he hasn't asked to come back?
I would get in contact with the gfs mum and say you aren't in a position to have him back. Then leave it at that. It's up to her if she wants to kick him out, and it will be up to him to find himself somewhere to live.
Do you think he was trying to meet up with his brother to persuade him to ask you if he could come home? Or for other reasons?

GCalltheway · 03/07/2023 18:09

mrsneate · 03/07/2023 18:00

It's a new girlf. Not the baby's mother. I'm regularly in contact with my grandsons mum and see him regularly:)

Show quote history

Well that’s something!
Stick to your guns, he is an adult.

Theunamedcat · 03/07/2023 18:11

Say no he has burned his bridges

username543210 · 03/07/2023 18:14

I'm currently in the hell part, my ds is a year older than yours and is a drug addict destroying my home and my mental health. When he does eventually leave he will never set foot inside my house again.

Don't do it op, you know it will be the same as before. Stay strong and say no.

Original poster
mrsneate · 03/07/2023 18:15

sparkellie · 03/07/2023 18:07

So he hasn't asked to come back?
I would get in contact with the gfs mum and say you aren't in a position to have him back. Then leave it at that. It's up to her if she wants to kick him out, and it will be up to him to find himself somewhere to live.
Do you think he was trying to meet up with his brother to persuade him to ask you if he could come home? Or for other reasons?

I think he was trying to find a way to follow him home.

We've moved since he left. So he doesn't know where we live currently, but we are also ina tiny village and a one min walk from the old house

OP posts:
Shitshowatthefuckfactory · 03/07/2023 18:17

I would communicate to him via the flying monkey contacting you that if he attempts to enter your house you'll call the police immediately.

Do not let him think he can negotiate a way back in.

MintJulia · 03/07/2023 18:20

Nope. If he's an addict he has to hit rock bottom and make his own decision to change. You cannot help him. Do not let him back in your house. YANBU.

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