Estranged Son - AIBU to not have him back under my roof.

[mrsneate]

From the ages of 15-19 he put me though hell, lied, stole, destroyed my house and belongings. For a long time I would have to have locks on bedroom doors etc

He's now 21. Already has one DC (3yo) 16 months ago after finding out he's lost his third job in six months due to not turning up and that he'd gotten his new girlfriend pregnant, it blew up. I told him I will not support another child of his whilst he sits on his arse,

He told me to FxxK off, and whilst I was dropping my youngest dc to his residential school trip he had packed his bags and left. Turned up and the girlfs parents and told a load of lies, including I'd kicked him out, I'd kept all his wages/benefits from him, I never gave him food etc, I was withholding his birth certificate so he could t get his own account,

None of it true, I paid out a serious amount of money on baby items, a dna test and fed and clothed him, and his son and the new girlf 3/4 days a week, his room was like a squatters room, it was disgusting.

Anyway, I tried telling the girlfs mother what he was like when she contacted me to say he was there, she sent many abusive messages calling me an unfit mother. Threatening to report me to social services and the professional body (work related) I blocked her,

Over the weekend I got a message of someone that she was trying to contact me regarding my son, turns out she's finally had enough and was demanding I go an collect him (45 min drive away)

I refused, I cannot have him back living with me. He stole a lot of money and items off me. Now I'm on edge in my own home again, he doesn't know where we live as I've now moved in with DP, but in the same village so wouldn't be rocket science to find it. But he's also had the nerve to text my middle son today asking him to sneak out with the dog to meet him. I think so he can follow him home to find out where we live.

I have tried numerous times to reach out to him and he's ignored me and every single family member since he left, got in with the wrong crowd. But more disgustingly, has abandoned his son and hasn't seen him in 16 months either.

I don't want him in my home, I don't want to go back to living on edge waiting for trouble at the door, him to steal thing (especially now do has bought me a fair bit of expensive jewellery!)

It sounds like a fan of Stephen Porges is a MNer.

Whenever I hear someone promoting "contemporary psychology", I am reminded of the "contemporary psychology" of the past. Like hysterectomies, lobotomies and insulin shock therapy for anxiety/depression, all once the "be all/end all" fixes. Now it's the blame game. You didn't have a perfect childhood and became an addict, abuser, criminal? Not your fault my precious! You had a perfect childhood and became an addict, abuser, criminal? Not your fault my precious! 🙄😒

If you lied, stole, took drugs and was abusive to your family, you would deserve to feel emotionally rejected if your family didn't want to relive the nightmare again.
If she doesn't want to be robbed, abused and have her DP's home destroyed, she needs to not let NVDOS know where she lives and to protect herself and her other DC in case he does find out.
As for finding him a HMO/shared accommodation--he has already shown he destroys places and steals, so you want the OP to find someone to experience that themselves? And pay for it? Then what? Pay for all the damages, losses etc? Is the OP rich and the rest of us not aware of that?

There comes a time when an adult child needs to learn to sink or swim. This is that time.

Some people are just born with brains that are wired different. Sociopaths and psychopaths brains don't work like other people's.

Should OP have made her NVDOS face up to his behavior earlier? Sure. But, people want to spare their child and they forgive until they just cannot any longer. Should've-would've-could've is a dream we all wish we could experience. If I had to do it again, I would've, I should've, I could've, is nice but since time travel is impossible, so are those three "wishes".

He didn't get in with the wrong crowd....He is the wrong crowd! A big NO from me. Please don't let him return and ruin your life.

@Theloosegoose you really need to stop. You are being unhelpful.

OP, we went through a very difficult period with our older DS. Not as bad as you, but it was really stressful at the time. We've come through it and DS1 is a different person. However, DS2 is still affected by it years later and I do regret that all our energy went into DS1. We should have been aware of the impact on DS2.

Don't let your DS1 back. Your younger sons need to be protected from him.

🌺

Could be genetic - sounds like his father was a prick, perhaps he has inherited some traits -.there is nature.as well as nurture.

You have too little information here to be making sweeping psychological assessments and declaring it with such conviction.

OP I'm not sure this is a thing but could you contact the police to warn them about him and that he may gain entry to your home? At least then they would know to take it seriously if you ever call about him turning up.

And even if it were true, without meeting OP's son (probably over several sessions), and spending time with him and properly assessing him, it is impossible to make a definitive diagnosis.

it is a fact that childhood does have a huge impact us.

This is true, but we all have to take responsibility for our own behaviour sooner or later. This young man refuses to even attempt to compromise.

It's also important that OP doesn't allow her younger children to be pressured or influenced by him. Their childhoods are important too.

It's very telling how quicky the GF's Mum found out she'd made a big mistake taking in your son. He's a very plausible liar so no doubt he'll con someone else into giving him a roof over his head. It's sad your relationship has broken down but no way can you have him back, your younger DC don't deserve to live with his behaviour. I hooe you're OK Op

You need to protect your home and other children.

Do not allow him to bring his chaos back into your home.

So many abusive men were raised without correction or boundaries and end up abusing everyone they meet.

You are under zero obligation to house him.

I have two sons around that age and even a hint of that type of disrespect would have resulted in them being told very calmly my house my rules.

Unfortunately some people cannot be helped.

He has chosen his path and needs to learn about consequences.

I would complete refuse to have him across my door and would be very firm on this point.

Actions have consequences and he badly needs to learn this.

I agree with your post but it sounds like GF’s mum put up with him for 16 months, I’m surprised she lasted that long. Then again it sounds like GF manipulates her parents too.

16 months it took. Which is quite a long time to put up with it I think, but from
What I've heard on the grape vine he has had a few jobs which probably sweetens the load a little for a while.

My 17 year old told me he text him yesterday, and took himself off to his fathers. He messaged him a few more times and seemed shitty that he had told me. I'm glad he did.

It won't take him long to find out where we live as it's such a small
Village. I put a post up on social media last night implying my DP is back home
From sea. My son has seen it (this is the only contact/indirect contact we have) so that will hopefully deter him a little more.

As I've said previous, I will hear him out but not in my house. He will not be getting through my door. I cannot trust him
Not to steal from me

After the suffering he has caused you over the years, you owe him one last thing. And that is to protect yourself and your family from any more of him and his violence. He will be angry and out of control, desperate for money. You know all too well what that means.
I absolute believe you have done your very best, time after time, to try to lead him back to a normal life and, sad as it is, you can do no more at this stage.
If he ever manages to get himself back on track, and I hope he does, then I’m sure you will be happy to listen to him.
For now, it’s a grave risk to allow him back into your lives and home.
Good luck OP. YANBU.

I'm glad your other DC can see through their DB, no doubt he thought he could use them to get into your home. Is it possible your DP could come ashore for a couple of days?

DP does two months away two months at home, going into port for a few days means going into port aboard and crying home.

Thankfully he's due home in 15 days x

Absolutely fucking not. He's a grown man, he is not your problem anymore.

The bleeding heart "he's still your child, parents never stop having responsibility" twats can house him if they give that many fucks.

In your place I wouldn't hesitate to involve the police.

Sadly he has zero respect for you or likely any woman.

Any man, even a son, that behaved in such a thuggish manner deserves the police to be informed.

He desperately needs to learn consequences and if a spell in a cell is required to emphasis the point so be it.

Under any circumstances he would not be near my home.

The best thing you can do for him is to stand firm in your position that HIS behaviour means HE is unwelcome in your home.

It is up to HIM to figure out how he navigates his life going forward.

Stealing and thrashing the family home is shocking and expecting him to change from a thug overnight is unlikely.

You can tell him you will always wish him well, but such is his behaviour he will never be welcome in your home while he conducts himself the way he does.

Perhaps if he was to turn his life around and find some self respect and respect for others and their property, he could visit your home in the future.

But in your place he would NEVER stay in my home again.

Over the weekend I got a message of someone that she was trying to contact me regarding my son, turns out she's finally had enough and was demanding I go an collect him (45 min drive away)

He's a 21-year-old father of two. Why is she demanding that you come and collect him as if he's an eight-year-old on a sleepover?

Do not have your son back to live with you again. He is an adult who has repeatedly treated you (and his own child) like shit and he's had enough chances. He is not your problem any more.