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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Estranged Son - AIBU to not have him back under my roof.

169 replies

mrsneate · 03/07/2023 16:50

From the ages of 15-19 he put me though hell, lied, stole, destroyed my house and belongings. For a long time I would have to have locks on bedroom doors etc

He's now 21. Already has one DC (3yo) 16 months ago after finding out he's lost his third job in six months due to not turning up and that he'd gotten his new girlfriend pregnant, it blew up. I told him I will not support another child of his whilst he sits on his arse,

He told me to FxxK off, and whilst I was dropping my youngest dc to his residential school trip he had packed his bags and left. Turned up and the girlfs parents and told a load of lies, including I'd kicked him out, I'd kept all his wages/benefits from him, I never gave him food etc, I was withholding his birth certificate so he could t get his own account,

None of it true, I paid out a serious amount of money on baby items, a dna test and fed and clothed him, and his son and the new girlf 3/4 days a week, his room was like a squatters room, it was disgusting.

Anyway, I tried telling the girlfs mother what he was like when she contacted me to say he was there, she sent many abusive messages calling me an unfit mother. Threatening to report me to social services and the professional body (work related) I blocked her,

Over the weekend I got a message of someone that she was trying to contact me regarding my son, turns out she's finally had enough and was demanding I go an collect him (45 min drive away)

I refused, I cannot have him back living with me. He stole a lot of money and items off me. Now I'm on edge in my own home again, he doesn't know where we live as I've now moved in with DP, but in the same village so wouldn't be rocket science to find it. But he's also had the nerve to text my middle son today asking him to sneak out with the dog to meet him. I think so he can follow him home to find out where we live.

I have tried numerous times to reach out to him and he's ignored me and every single family member since he left, got in with the wrong crowd. But more disgustingly, has abandoned his son and hasn't seen him in 16 months either.

I don't want him in my home, I don't want to go back to living on edge waiting for trouble at the door, him to steal thing (especially now do has bought me a fair bit of expensive jewellery!)

OP posts:
Brumbies · 03/07/2023 21:05

Indeed I am - please feel free to private message me if you want. I don't really want to say too much here in case other family members here.

Leastsaidsoonestscrewed · 03/07/2023 21:05

MN being full of smug, lucky mums, I was surprised it wasn't sooner/ moretoo. But it was bound to happen.

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 21:06

,@mrsneate yes, it's awful. No one can deny the behaviour is horrible. The behaviour, however, is not your son. It is part of your son and how he has learned to cope in order to survive. Look at IFS, tim fletcher CPTSD and many others and you will learn to separate the behaviour from your son. You will also learn the part you played, and that isn't to Shame you, most people try the best to raise their kids but that doesn't mean wounding is not created.

Snap. My father wasn't around either. Damage appears in a multitude of ways, not just drugs and criminality.

Leastsaidsoonestscrewed · 03/07/2023 21:07

Do knock it off.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 03/07/2023 21:07

@Theloosegoose do you have any advice for the op right now? Not the past but now after everything that has happened?
Does your compassion and psychology reach as far as op or just her son?

Yes, there’s lots of research but you are not here to assess the op and her parenting. Whether you an expert or otherwise this isn’t your job, she’s not your client.

Leastsaidsoonestscrewed · 03/07/2023 21:10

Hey, I know! @Theloosegoose can put him up! I'm sure she'll have him fixed in no time.

PissOffJeffrey · 03/07/2023 21:10

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 20:46

@danceyourselfdizzy1 the thing is it isn't nonsense. It's evidence based. Through neuroscience we now know why people act they way they do. When you learn it, it becomes very clear. If you are interested take a look at trauma, the nervous system, polyvagal theory, contemporary psychology.

Trauma in childhood can definitely lead to these sort of issues in adult life.

I don't think we know enough about OP & her DS1s life to assume this here though. OP has said his dad "buggered off" so there could be issues related to that but not necessarily.

danceyourselfdizzy1 · 03/07/2023 21:13

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 20:46

@danceyourselfdizzy1 the thing is it isn't nonsense. It's evidence based. Through neuroscience we now know why people act they way they do. When you learn it, it becomes very clear. If you are interested take a look at trauma, the nervous system, polyvagal theory, contemporary psychology.

Oh please! Polyvagal theory = pseudoscience.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 03/07/2023 21:13

PissOffJeffrey · 03/07/2023 21:10

Trauma in childhood can definitely lead to these sort of issues in adult life.

I don't think we know enough about OP & her DS1s life to assume this here though. OP has said his dad "buggered off" so there could be issues related to that but not necessarily.

Show quote history

And it is not our business to know.

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 03/07/2023 21:17

Yanbu. You are a human and you have limits. Until you've lived with this, come home from work to this, and the lies and mess, over and over again you don't know.

The research doesn't consider the harm and selfish lazy behaviour cannabis can bring about. Your sympathy starts to wane when they refuse to stop using it.

When he looks back he will see you have supported his son. Maybe being out on his own will be what he needs.

SuperFi · 03/07/2023 21:18

So sorry OP. My sister and I had the same upbringing and we are like chalk and cheese. She hasnt worked most of her adult life and has committed serious crimes.
After causing my family years of heartache she just took off and we haven’t seen her for years, I suspect it is because she has found someone else to leech off.
Please don’t let him back in, he is a leech and user. Focus instead on your other children/ grandchild.
Some people just aren’t wired right, and it ain’t right for everyone else to suffer because they won’t behave like a decent human.

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 21:21

Perhaps not but as we know the evidence is in the behaviour.

There are plenty of posts that support this mother, advising her on how to deal with her son, it's important to highlight the deeper work that should be considered so the cycle doesn't continue to be repeated. She was asking for opinions after all.

Blueeyes13 · 03/07/2023 21:23

Whatever the reason for your son's behaviour (and I totally disagree with a certain PP), it's not up to you to keep bailing him out. Remember you have other children at home and his behaviour will certainly be affecting them too. I have suffered from PTSD and other mental health issues from the trauma of living with my brother's behaviour. I did not feel safe at home.

minou123 · 03/07/2023 21:30

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 21:06

,@mrsneate yes, it's awful. No one can deny the behaviour is horrible. The behaviour, however, is not your son. It is part of your son and how he has learned to cope in order to survive. Look at IFS, tim fletcher CPTSD and many others and you will learn to separate the behaviour from your son. You will also learn the part you played, and that isn't to Shame you, most people try the best to raise their kids but that doesn't mean wounding is not created.

Snap. My father wasn't around either. Damage appears in a multitude of ways, not just drugs and criminality.

None of this is based on any facts.

You've taken 1 sentence - "his father buggered off"- extrapolated this and made up your own version of events.

You've created, in your own head, the reasons for why the son is the way he is.

Unless you're about to tell us differently, you have never met the Op and you have never met her son. You are giving conclusion based on nothing.

No decent, professional psychologist, or anyone else in this field, would do this.

PissOffJeffrey · 03/07/2023 21:30

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 03/07/2023 21:13

And it is not our business to know.

Show quote history

I'm not suggesting it is.

Hankunamatata · 03/07/2023 21:31

It's important to think of children who live at home. You deserve not to be scared in your own home. Stay strong op

Phobiaphobic · 03/07/2023 21:33

OP, I suspect your son's behaviour has got less to do with trauma and more to do with genetics. Stand firm and ignore the misogynists who love to blame the mother.

whynotwhatknot · 03/07/2023 21:39

no dont let him back he hasnt learnt anything

phoning the police to get a 21 year old back to his mummy-thats funny

Atethehalloweenchocs · 03/07/2023 21:40

@Theloosegoose

Stop your projection. There is always one at least who cant separate their own experience from what is being said, and wants to blame the parents for the childs behaviour. Yes, trauma can make people do a lot of things. Or it may not. I work with people who have had significant trauma - most do not do things like the OP has reported. Have you considered that sometimes people do what they think they can get away with and dont care about how it affects others.

OP, stay strong and ramp up your security. Ignore the fuckwittery about what a poor little lad he is.

bumblebee2235 · 03/07/2023 21:42

Phobiaphobic · 03/07/2023 21:33

OP, I suspect your son's behaviour has got less to do with trauma and more to do with genetics. Stand firm and ignore the misogynists who love to blame the mother.

I agree, there are many people who go through traumatic events and all act differently. There can be genetic predispositions to addictive qualities. I mean there are diagnosed psychopaths with different brain function... that is definitely proven not to be how they grew up, they can portray it from childhood. So you cant see a post on the internet and go aha I can diagnose a bad mother! It IS proven however substances alter brain chemistry and that is a factor here. Did his personality change around the time he started abusing substances OP?

JudgeAnderson · 03/07/2023 21:44

@theloosegoose Cannabis. The strains around now are bloody ruinous.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 03/07/2023 21:48

@PissOffJeffrey sorry, I was agreeing with you. My comment was aimed at @Theloosegoose

Backstreets · 03/07/2023 21:52

YANBU! He is destructive and neither you nor his siblings need to get sucked up into his vortex. He's also an adult and can go get a bloody job and support himself. Maybe paying his own way (and his own child support...) will make him wise up.

EvilElsa · 03/07/2023 21:52

People can just be shits. They can be shits without any trauma. People can steal and lie and take drugs and be crap parents just because that's what they are. Not every behaviour has a big back story with someone else to blame.

Original poster
mrsneate · 03/07/2023 21:52

Blueeyes13 · 03/07/2023 21:23

Whatever the reason for your son's behaviour (and I totally disagree with a certain PP), it's not up to you to keep bailing him out. Remember you have other children at home and his behaviour will certainly be affecting them too. I have suffered from PTSD and other mental health issues from the trauma of living with my brother's behaviour. I did not feel safe at home.

I think I have some sort of ptsd from it. As soon as the girlfriends mother contacted and I have been a mess. Jumpy, crying. Just at the thought at him being back so close to my home. I hate having to lock up my valuables, I have moved the safe inside (with help!) and my jewellery is in it and it'll stay there. Thank you for suggesting that,

It makes me sad that since he left the safe has been gathering dust in the shed. Until now 😭

OP posts: