Page 6 | Estranged Son - AIBU to not have him back under my roof.

JudgeAnderson · 03/07/2023 23:34

*leaching

AllOfThemWitches · 03/07/2023 23:36

She wanted to call SS about a 21yo 😆

Pandabear33 · 03/07/2023 23:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

KitchenDancefloor · 03/07/2023 23:49

I had a sibling like your DS.

It was such a relief when my parents made the tough but wise decision not to let him set foot in the house again.

I got my childhood back.

Don't waver. Stay strong for your youngest two as well as yourself.

KitchenDancefloor · 03/07/2023 23:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Via his own choices.

Zarataralara · 03/07/2023 23:55

SuperFi · 03/07/2023 21:18

So sorry OP. My sister and I had the same upbringing and we are like chalk and cheese. She hasnt worked most of her adult life and has committed serious crimes.
After causing my family years of heartache she just took off and we haven’t seen her for years, I suspect it is because she has found someone else to leech off.
Please don’t let him back in, he is a leech and user. Focus instead on your other children/ grandchild.
Some people just aren’t wired right, and it ain’t right for everyone else to suffer because they won’t behave like a decent human.

In the same vein, friend has twin half brothers. Same upbringing, 2 parents, schooling for both. One joined the military, glowing career, hard working career after he left, great family man and provider. His twin never worked, drug addict, homeless numerous times.
OP, you’ve done everything you could in the past, the future is up to your son. He’s an adult, he’s had financial support from you in the past and has the means , I assume, to work and support both his children. His future is up to him.

Abouttoblow · 03/07/2023 23:55

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 19:31

Have you explored your role in his behaviour? You will have a degree of responsibility to take for the chaotic way he is living. Whilst mumsnetters will lament the fact he is an adult, and that may be so, but he is also your child and the way he behaves will have been shaped by his upbringing. It might be painful but reflection is the way forward for both of you.

The most ridiculous post in the history of MN.
Tine to have a word with yourself @Theloosegoose

ZebraDilemma · 04/07/2023 00:11

cuckyplunt · 03/07/2023 16:54

If he turns up, call the police. He needs to stand on his own feet now, he’s a grown-up.

Don’t be ridiculous

Soapyspuds · 04/07/2023 00:12

That ship has sailed. You tried your best but you need to write him off now.

One day in the future he might settle down and you can consider reconciling but for now keep your distance.

Italiangreyhound · 04/07/2023 00:23

I would not have him back under these circumstances.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 04/07/2023 00:40

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 21:06

,@mrsneate yes, it's awful. No one can deny the behaviour is horrible. The behaviour, however, is not your son. It is part of your son and how he has learned to cope in order to survive. Look at IFS, tim fletcher CPTSD and many others and you will learn to separate the behaviour from your son. You will also learn the part you played, and that isn't to Shame you, most people try the best to raise their kids but that doesn't mean wounding is not created.

Snap. My father wasn't around either. Damage appears in a multitude of ways, not just drugs and criminality.

Your trauma appears to have manifested in being an absolute bell end on Mumsnet!

Loyalty · 04/07/2023 00:51

He’s an adult. Police won’t care and certainly won’t pick him up and take him to yours. If she wants him gone she sorts it

DiabolicalFinial · 04/07/2023 00:56

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 20:46

@danceyourselfdizzy1 the thing is it isn't nonsense. It's evidence based. Through neuroscience we now know why people act they way they do. When you learn it, it becomes very clear. If you are interested take a look at trauma, the nervous system, polyvagal theory, contemporary psychology.

Neuroscientist here - @Theloosegoose , you are espousing rubbish theory, victim blaming and are being totally unpleasant and unhelpful. Please take your amateur psychology away until you understand how to apply theory and how to effectively communicate actual principles rather than berate someone seeking advice.

OP - stick to your decision, it is best for all involved.

ChocBananaSmoothie · 04/07/2023 01:03

mrsneate · 03/07/2023 20:53

Go on then, you tell me what I should have done..

I raised him to know better than he's behaving, I supported him in EVERY aspect, until he carelessly lost another job (without telling me!) and got another girl pregnant after being with her for a few weeks. That was when I drew the line I was working myself into the ground to support my THREE children and my grandchild and as an adult he would not hold down a job and then made another baby,

He then told me to eff off and moved out, I never kicked him out, I never abandoned him, he then told everyone I had kicked him out for the third time, I withheld his birth certificate so he couldn't get his own bank account, I took all his money from his few weeks in work or his benefits, I never gave him access to water for showering or food. None of this was true!

His room was squalor, I tidied it MANY times, decorated it many times.

He stole my jewellery, he stole my last £20, he tried to steal my car, I had to sleep with my keys and my purse under my pillow, and when I was on a 13 hour shift I would come home and the house would be destroyed, or I'd get phone calls from neighbours saying he was setting fires in the house.

Despite all this, I support him no end.

Should I let him back in and go back to that again? Because being homeless and at rock bottom 16 months ago hasn't made him realise it's HIS behaviour that's the issue,

I reached out many times, and was ignored. As has the rest of the family.

Show quote history

Ignore people who know how to do it better. Eventually they grow up and make their own decisions, sometimes completely against the way they were raised. Every parent makes mistakes and get things right. The worst offenders are parents of young kids who just know their kids will never do any such thing because they are such awesome parents. I've seen plenty get a rude awakening in later years.

ChocBananaSmoothie · 04/07/2023 01:05

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 20:46

@danceyourselfdizzy1 the thing is it isn't nonsense. It's evidence based. Through neuroscience we now know why people act they way they do. When you learn it, it becomes very clear. If you are interested take a look at trauma, the nervous system, polyvagal theory, contemporary psychology.

If you're that educated you'd be aware of the huge changes in this philosophy over the decades. Why would it be any different now? Science operates in theory. You'd also be aware of recent epigenetic findings which challenge a lot of what we were taught in these areas.

nunsflipflop · 04/07/2023 02:00

Oh OP I have had very similar with our youngest DS. He stole from us, burgled my house, was aggressive to the point of violence with me. Destroyed things in my home. He was also a pathological liar. He conned his own friends, one lost over £1000 to him.

He is now almost 30 and nothing much has changed, he blames me for all of his misfortune, everyone else is a liar, thankfully he is gay so hasn’t got anyone pregnant.

I cannot have him in my home ever, I have phone and text contact, but he is still a liar. He has few friends, can’t hold down a relationship, but it’s never his fault. He actually aided my ex DIL so that my other son lost contact with his children, in fact the whole family have lost contact with them because of the things he said and did.

You have to protect yourself and your other DC, until he reaches rock bottom he can’t climb back up. Someone has always rescued him, don’t be that someone this time.

He is an adult, time for him to grow up

JennyJenny8675309 · 04/07/2023 02:17

Please, please don’t let him come back. My elderly mum allowed a young adult relative live with her and it was truly a nightmare. He has shown you what he is capable of and as a result will have to find his own path forward without your help. He is an abuser.

Nanaof1 · 04/07/2023 03:55

mrsneate · 03/07/2023 16:50

From the ages of 15-19 he put me though hell, lied, stole, destroyed my house and belongings. For a long time I would have to have locks on bedroom doors etc

He's now 21. Already has one DC (3yo) 16 months ago after finding out he's lost his third job in six months due to not turning up and that he'd gotten his new girlfriend pregnant, it blew up. I told him I will not support another child of his whilst he sits on his arse,

He told me to FxxK off, and whilst I was dropping my youngest dc to his residential school trip he had packed his bags and left. Turned up and the girlfs parents and told a load of lies, including I'd kicked him out, I'd kept all his wages/benefits from him, I never gave him food etc, I was withholding his birth certificate so he could t get his own account,

None of it true, I paid out a serious amount of money on baby items, a dna test and fed and clothed him, and his son and the new girlf 3/4 days a week, his room was like a squatters room, it was disgusting.

Anyway, I tried telling the girlfs mother what he was like when she contacted me to say he was there, she sent many abusive messages calling me an unfit mother. Threatening to report me to social services and the professional body (work related) I blocked her,

Over the weekend I got a message of someone that she was trying to contact me regarding my son, turns out she's finally had enough and was demanding I go an collect him (45 min drive away)

I refused, I cannot have him back living with me. He stole a lot of money and items off me. Now I'm on edge in my own home again, he doesn't know where we live as I've now moved in with DP, but in the same village so wouldn't be rocket science to find it. But he's also had the nerve to text my middle son today asking him to sneak out with the dog to meet him. I think so he can follow him home to find out where we live.

I have tried numerous times to reach out to him and he's ignored me and every single family member since he left, got in with the wrong crowd. But more disgustingly, has abandoned his son and hasn't seen him in 16 months either.

I don't want him in my home, I don't want to go back to living on edge waiting for trouble at the door, him to steal thing (especially now do has bought me a fair bit of expensive jewellery!)

In reality, there is no home for him to return. You now live with your DP. If your NVDOS moved in, I am betting he would steal from your DP. Are you ready to give up the relationship with your DP when they won't put up with your ADULT son's antics?

Sometimes, the only way you can make someone grow up is to make them grow-up and take care of themselves. This is one of those times. Talk to your other son and your DP and let them know that the older son is not welcome back into your lives until he starts "adulting".

Do keep in contact with your DGS, but don't let yourself, your younger son and your DP go through what is bound to happen if your NVDOS moves in. He made his bed, now he can change the sheets.

Nanaof1 · 04/07/2023 04:00

ZebraDilemma · 04/07/2023 00:11

Don’t be ridiculous

Show quote history

Nothing at all ridiculous when you are talking about a liar and a thief. If he shows up where he is not wanted, and acts out even a bit, the police should be called. The OP and her family don't deserve to be abused by an entitled little punk/thug.

Nanaof1 · 04/07/2023 04:03

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 04/07/2023 00:40

Your trauma appears to have manifested in being an absolute bell end on Mumsnet!

Show quote history

That person sounds like someone who has "decided" they can behave however they wish and chalk it all up to "the way they were raised" via professional victimhood.
I guess it beats trying to take responsibility for their own actions.

Nanaof1 · 04/07/2023 04:13

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 19:31

Have you explored your role in his behaviour? You will have a degree of responsibility to take for the chaotic way he is living. Whilst mumsnetters will lament the fact he is an adult, and that may be so, but he is also your child and the way he behaves will have been shaped by his upbringing. It might be painful but reflection is the way forward for both of you.

FFS!! 😩😒That is the BIGGEST load of 💩💩 EVER! Someone can have two children and one turn out as an upstanding citizen and human being and the other an addict, an abuser, a criminal and an azzhat.

This woo-woo crap you are pushing is just more of the same where some young adult losers can "decide" they are nothing more than professional victims by blaming parents for their failings instead of owning up and taking responsibility for their behavior. Not EVERY child who is an azzhat is an azzhat because of the way they were "raised". Some are just born azzhats. GMAFB!

Nanaof1 · 04/07/2023 04:21

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 20:43

Well his father buggering off is one huge trauma. You saying it so flippantly is alarming- what else did you treat with such limited compassion when he was a kid? The fact you feel you parented your kids the same isn't a good thing either. He has trauma, father leaving being one thing. The evidence for this is in how he is behaving- that is the symptom of what he has been through. Every child has different needs so it doesn't matter if you parented the same, your parenting needs to reflect the needs of the child. No doubt he hates himself. His own father left him, the person who should love him more than anything and anyone, and he didn't, instead he abandoned him. Now he's continuing the cycle because no one's helped him process his trauma and no one's shown him a better way.

You may dislike his actions but they are the symptoms of his unmet needs in childhood. Your guilt has led you here to garner encouragement to abandon him yourself rather than work out the problem and reflect on your own contribution to it.

Just stop.

Nanaof1 · 04/07/2023 04:23

mrsneate · 03/07/2023 20:46

We have an old non working cctv but the cameras are visible and still look like they are working. I have also just given in and ordered a ring doorbell x

Show quote history

Good idea. It doesn't sound like he has changed, so you need to protect your other children, yourself and your home.
Stay strong and ignore the "psychological blame game" from a PP.

Nanaof1 · 04/07/2023 04:30

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 20:46

@danceyourselfdizzy1 the thing is it isn't nonsense. It's evidence based. Through neuroscience we now know why people act they way they do. When you learn it, it becomes very clear. If you are interested take a look at trauma, the nervous system, polyvagal theory, contemporary psychology.

There will always be "psychological studies" to support whatever theory someone wants to advance to make a name for themselves. Especially when it benefits a group of people that can use the study to blame everyone but themselves for their actions/reactions and inactions. At some point, being a criminal, thug, addict, slob and abusive jerk falls to the person themselves because that's the easiest way to be as you can always use some "psychological study" to excuse your actions.

Nanaof1 · 04/07/2023 04:34

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 21:06

,@mrsneate yes, it's awful. No one can deny the behaviour is horrible. The behaviour, however, is not your son. It is part of your son and how he has learned to cope in order to survive. Look at IFS, tim fletcher CPTSD and many others and you will learn to separate the behaviour from your son. You will also learn the part you played, and that isn't to Shame you, most people try the best to raise their kids but that doesn't mean wounding is not created.

Snap. My father wasn't around either. Damage appears in a multitude of ways, not just drugs and criminality.

Please private message your address to the OP so that her NVDOS can come and live with you. I am sure you will fix him right up with your "psychological study".
Just be sure to lock up your silver.

FFS--I can't even!