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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Estranged Son - AIBU to not have him back under my roof.

169 replies

mrsneate · 03/07/2023 16:50

From the ages of 15-19 he put me though hell, lied, stole, destroyed my house and belongings. For a long time I would have to have locks on bedroom doors etc

He's now 21. Already has one DC (3yo) 16 months ago after finding out he's lost his third job in six months due to not turning up and that he'd gotten his new girlfriend pregnant, it blew up. I told him I will not support another child of his whilst he sits on his arse,

He told me to FxxK off, and whilst I was dropping my youngest dc to his residential school trip he had packed his bags and left. Turned up and the girlfs parents and told a load of lies, including I'd kicked him out, I'd kept all his wages/benefits from him, I never gave him food etc, I was withholding his birth certificate so he could t get his own account,

None of it true, I paid out a serious amount of money on baby items, a dna test and fed and clothed him, and his son and the new girlf 3/4 days a week, his room was like a squatters room, it was disgusting.

Anyway, I tried telling the girlfs mother what he was like when she contacted me to say he was there, she sent many abusive messages calling me an unfit mother. Threatening to report me to social services and the professional body (work related) I blocked her,

Over the weekend I got a message of someone that she was trying to contact me regarding my son, turns out she's finally had enough and was demanding I go an collect him (45 min drive away)

I refused, I cannot have him back living with me. He stole a lot of money and items off me. Now I'm on edge in my own home again, he doesn't know where we live as I've now moved in with DP, but in the same village so wouldn't be rocket science to find it. But he's also had the nerve to text my middle son today asking him to sneak out with the dog to meet him. I think so he can follow him home to find out where we live.

I have tried numerous times to reach out to him and he's ignored me and every single family member since he left, got in with the wrong crowd. But more disgustingly, has abandoned his son and hasn't seen him in 16 months either.

I don't want him in my home, I don't want to go back to living on edge waiting for trouble at the door, him to steal thing (especially now do has bought me a fair bit of expensive jewellery!)

OP posts:
Beargrumps22 · 03/07/2023 18:22

he abused you enough he is gone now he can stay gone get an injunction if needs be did not take long for gf mum to see his true colours

Elieza · 03/07/2023 18:23

He needs to register with his local authority as homeless. No way in hell I’d have him back just now.

It could be you’d be happy to see him in the future once he’s proved he’s changed.

But til then he’s the victim of the circumstances he made for himself so he can sort himself out.

Lock your valuables away as, if he’s like my friends nephew, he will indeed work out where you stay and break in while you’re out, take what he wants that he can sell quickly and vanish for a few weeks again til the money/jewellery he can pawn runs out.

EvilElsa · 03/07/2023 18:24

Go and collect him at age 21 and a (shit) dad and thief! Absolutely fucking not. He's not 6 and been naughty at a play date. About time he sorted his life out. No way I'd have him back in my house and I wouldn't be handing him out cash either. Time he gets a job, sorts himself somewhere to live and pays for his child(ren). I'm sorry OP, it must be absolutely shit. I'm glad you get to see your grandchild.

romdowa · 03/07/2023 18:27

Tell his gfs dm that it's not happening. Not a hope I'm hell. He needs to learn that actions have consequences

LittleOwl153 · 03/07/2023 18:30

Nah, leave him/them to it.

I would however make sure your house is secure and your valubles in a safe. I would not want to put your younger kids in the position of being in his way if he is an angry druggie.

Wilma55 · 03/07/2023 18:31

You've moved in with DP, so presumably he won't want him to move in either?

minou123 · 03/07/2023 18:42

I'd be so tempted to call the gf's mother and say " ha! I told you so. You believed his lies, i tried telling you, so this is your problem to kick him out"

But I can be quite petty.

I agree with everyone. Do not let him back. He is 21.
Enough is enough now.

Lampzade · 03/07/2023 18:42

Do not ‘collect’ him Op. He is an adult.
You will never have peace if you allow him to live with you and he will never change
As others have said, lock up your jewellery.
If he turns up at your door, phone the police and get an injunction against him

Eve171 · 03/07/2023 18:50

Over the weekend I got a message of someone that she was trying to contact me regarding my son, turns out she's finally had enough and was demanding I go an collect him (45 min drive away)

I hope you sent back a big fat I TOLD YOU SO. Please don't bring him back, it will be enabling his behaviour. So sorry, stay strong x

Original poster
mrsneate · 03/07/2023 19:18

Wilma55 · 03/07/2023 18:31

You've moved in with DP, so presumably he won't want him to move in either?

Nope, he won't have him here after what he put me through,

Trouble is DP works away! And is currently not due home for another 3 weeks 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsneate · 03/07/2023 19:20

minou123 · 03/07/2023 18:42

I'd be so tempted to call the gf's mother and say " ha! I told you so. You believed his lies, i tried telling you, so this is your problem to kick him out"

But I can be quite petty.

I agree with everyone. Do not let him back. He is 21.
Enough is enough now.

Oh I responded

"I will not be coming to collect him, I tried to tell you, but you knew better and chose to believe his lies"

Which is when she threatened to have the police track me down to bring him home 😂

OP posts:
Eve171 · 03/07/2023 19:21

mrsneate · 03/07/2023 19:20

Oh I responded

"I will not be coming to collect him, I tried to tell you, but you knew better and chose to believe his lies"

Which is when she threatened to have the police track me down to bring him home 😂

Show quote history

Love this!! The police won't do anything about a 21 year old 😂

Original poster
mrsneate · 03/07/2023 19:25

@Eve171

She presumed the police would call the dvla to track me down "like they do when a relative is dead" 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
1FootInTheRave · 03/07/2023 19:26

Tell her ring social services now 😆

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 19:31

Have you explored your role in his behaviour? You will have a degree of responsibility to take for the chaotic way he is living. Whilst mumsnetters will lament the fact he is an adult, and that may be so, but he is also your child and the way he behaves will have been shaped by his upbringing. It might be painful but reflection is the way forward for both of you.

minou123 · 03/07/2023 19:31

mrsneate · 03/07/2023 19:20

Oh I responded

"I will not be coming to collect him, I tried to tell you, but you knew better and chose to believe his lies"

Which is when she threatened to have the police track me down to bring him home 😂

Show quote history

I'm so pleased you did it 😁

Although. She can't help herself, can she? First she was going to call social services, because she believed all the crap he was spouting. Now the police, to force you to get him out of her house.

In what world does she think the police are going to track you down and force you to go and get him. She's a bit of a nutcase herself.

Eve171 · 03/07/2023 19:31

I bet she feels so stupid now for blaming you and not listening to you.

Original poster
mrsneate · 03/07/2023 19:37

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 19:31

Have you explored your role in his behaviour? You will have a degree of responsibility to take for the chaotic way he is living. Whilst mumsnetters will lament the fact he is an adult, and that may be so, but he is also your child and the way he behaves will have been shaped by his upbringing. It might be painful but reflection is the way forward for both of you.

I did too much for him, when his son came along I kitted our house for the baby. I spent hundreds on the dna test, I have him too many chances each time he lost a job, I still support his son.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsneate · 03/07/2023 19:38

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 19:31

Have you explored your role in his behaviour? You will have a degree of responsibility to take for the chaotic way he is living. Whilst mumsnetters will lament the fact he is an adult, and that may be so, but he is also your child and the way he behaves will have been shaped by his upbringing. It might be painful but reflection is the way forward for both of you.

He got in with the wrong crowd. I also have two other children the eldest of which is in college and has a stable job along side it, a steady girlfriend and a lot of sense about him,

I parented them all the same. The only different denominator is the fact his father buggered off.

OP posts:
Mylifeislikeaboatrace · 03/07/2023 19:43

I feel for you OP, stay strong for your mental well being then you can tackle the rest.
His problems and he needs to grow up.
Some Mners on here hopefully will read this and think twice how they are enabling their own kids from a young age to expect and demanding then generally be a pain in the arse to the rest of us when they grow up.
Don't learn the hard way.

Lacucuracha · 03/07/2023 19:57

I would be keeping all doors and windows locked in case he tries to sneak in.

The first time you see him near your property, call the police.

Blueeyes13 · 03/07/2023 19:59

That is absolute tosh! My brother has been like OP's son for 46 years. Mum and dad raised us all the same. Don't let you son back home, OP. My brother has had sooo many chances and he is still the same. Absolutely nothing has changed him, whatever my mum tried. She had him back so many times, not wanting him to suffer and to give him a chance. Every time he was awful and abusive. There's no way she'd have him back home now.

Blueeyes13 · 03/07/2023 20:01

That was in response to theloosegoose.

Original poster
mrsneate · 03/07/2023 20:13

Blueeyes13 · 03/07/2023 19:59

That is absolute tosh! My brother has been like OP's son for 46 years. Mum and dad raised us all the same. Don't let you son back home, OP. My brother has had sooo many chances and he is still the same. Absolutely nothing has changed him, whatever my mum tried. She had him back so many times, not wanting him to suffer and to give him a chance. Every time he was awful and abusive. There's no way she'd have him back home now.

Thank you blueeyes.

I often wonder if I didn't get him out of his "hole" so to speak, so many time where he would be now, maybe that was my mistake, I didn't want my grandson to suffer. He doesn't, his mum is doing an amazing job raising him and I see him whenever I can! I still send him clothes/money monthly, take him out etc.

My son, has, however chosen his girlfriend over his son every single time and hasn't seen him in 16 months he went from having him 2/3 days a week to nothing and no contact,

That's what I'm disgusted with. He's such a lovely little boy I don't know how anyone could ever disown him.

I know he's my son, and if he does turn his life around I'll maintain contact but I can't have him under my roof again

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 03/07/2023 20:16

He’s 21 and can find access to plenty of help
and support should he need it.

Do your other children feel strong enough to not bow down to any pressure from him? Have you explained your worries to them? Depending on the age of the younger ones I think I would tell them some of the issues he may bring to their new homes doorstep should he find it.

Honestly I wouldn’t let him in the home and I would ring the police if he turned up and explain. You feel threatened due to previous threats and behaviour. Explain you have young children/minors at home and you worry what will happen if he gains entrance.

I had this with one of mine at one point and I had to be quite firm on my boundaries. It was a messy few weeks but things were sorted in the end and I still dont regret my actions. He needed to learn his behaviour and actions have consequences.