Page 3 | Estranged Son - AIBU to not have him back under my roof.

mrsneate · 2023-07-03T15:50:57+00:00

From the ages of 15-19 he put me though hell, lied, stole, destroyed my house and belongings. For a long time I would have to have locks on bedroom doors etc He's now 21. Already has one DC (3yo) 16 months ago after finding out he's lost his third job in six months due to not turning up and that he'd gotten his new girlfriend pregnant, it blew up. I told him I will not support another child of his whilst he sits on his arse, He told me to FxxK off, and whilst I was dropping my youngest dc to his residential school trip he had packed his bags and left. Turned up and the girlfs parents and told a load of lies, including I'd kicked him out, I'd kept all his wages/benefits from him, I never gave him food etc, I was withholding his birth certificate so he could t get his own account, None of it true, I paid out a serious amount of money on baby items, a dna test and fed and clothed him, and his son and the new girlf 3/4 days a week, his room was like a squatters room, it was disgusting. Anyway, I tried telling the girlfs mother what he was like when she contacted me to say he was there, she sent many abusive messages calling me an unfit mother. Threatening to report me to social services and the professional body (work related) I blocked her, Over the weekend I got a message of someone that she was trying to contact me regarding my son, turns out she's finally had enough and was demanding I go an collect him (45 min drive away) I refused, I cannot have him back living with me. He stole a lot of money and items off me. Now I'm on edge in my own home again, he doesn't know where we live as I've now moved in with DP, but in the same village so wouldn't be rocket science to find it. But he's also had the nerve to text my middle son today asking him to sneak out with the dog to meet him. I think so he can follow him home to find out where we live. I have tried numerous times to reach out to him and he's ignored me and every single family member since he left, got in with the wrong crowd. But more disgustingly, has abandoned his son and hasn't seen him in 16 months either. I don't want him in my home, I don't want to go back to living on edge waiting for trouble at the door, him to steal thing (especially now do has bought me a fair bit of expensive jewellery!)

Createausername1970 · 03/07/2023 20:19

Oh do shut up.

Addicted2LoveIsland · 03/07/2023 20:21

What a CF the gfs mum is. She sent you abusive messages, threatened you and now wants you to come sort out something you were trying to warn her about.

Let her sort it out.

Tell him under no circumstances is he to be anywhere near your house. If he then turns up ring the police.

Keep a record of everything with times and dates.

ErikaReadsTheDailyMail · 03/07/2023 20:21

Createausername1970 · 03/07/2023 20:19

Oh do shut up.

Everyone?
Or someone in particular?

Createausername1970 · 03/07/2023 20:22

Ooops. The quote thing didn't work. That was in response to OP being told she should examine her own behaviour. NOT aimed at OP.

Blueeyes13 · 03/07/2023 20:23

I think you're doing the right thing, OP. My mum also has a great relationship with my brother's children and with their mothers. She just really struggled to see my brother in a mess without helping him out. He is her son of course and it was so hard for her to stand by and watch him mess his life up, but that was his choice. There is only so much you can do, he needs to learn to help himself.

LaBefana · 03/07/2023 20:28

@Theloosegoose

reflection is the way forward for both of you.

Way forward my arse.

CremeEggThief · 03/07/2023 20:33

Not helpful, theloosegoose.

Stay strong, OP. Don't even meet up with him on neutral ground until you feel ready, especially if you think he's going to try to put the pressure on to move in!

EvilElsa · 03/07/2023 20:37

Like the police would pick up an adult and drop back at their parents (who didn't want them there anyway) like some sort of free taxi service 🤣
If he turns up and tries to gain entry call the police. He has no right to be in your home. He doesn't live there and hasn't for some time. He has stolen from you and threatened you. Make sure the house is secure at all times. Do you have CCTV? I'd consider it if not.

danceyourselfdizzy1 · 03/07/2023 20:42

You're not being unreasonable at all. The amount of pain he's caused you sounds unreal. So glad you get to see your grandson though, hope he brings you lots of joy!

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 20:43

Well his father buggering off is one huge trauma. You saying it so flippantly is alarming- what else did you treat with such limited compassion when he was a kid? The fact you feel you parented your kids the same isn't a good thing either. He has trauma, father leaving being one thing. The evidence for this is in how he is behaving- that is the symptom of what he has been through. Every child has different needs so it doesn't matter if you parented the same, your parenting needs to reflect the needs of the child. No doubt he hates himself. His own father left him, the person who should love him more than anything and anyone, and he didn't, instead he abandoned him. Now he's continuing the cycle because no one's helped him process his trauma and no one's shown him a better way.

You may dislike his actions but they are the symptoms of his unmet needs in childhood. Your guilt has led you here to garner encouragement to abandon him yourself rather than work out the problem and reflect on your own contribution to it.

Original poster

mrsneate · 03/07/2023 20:44

TheCatterall · 03/07/2023 20:16

He’s 21 and can find access to plenty of help
and support should he need it.

Do your other children feel strong enough to not bow down to any pressure from him? Have you explained your worries to them? Depending on the age of the younger ones I think I would tell them some of the issues he may bring to their new homes doorstep should he find it.

Honestly I wouldn’t let him in the home and I would ring the police if he turned up and explain. You feel threatened due to previous threats and behaviour. Explain you have young children/minors at home and you worry what will happen if he gains entrance.

I had this with one of mine at one point and I had to be quite firm on my boundaries. It was a messy few weeks but things were sorted in the end and I still dont regret my actions. He needed to learn his behaviour and actions have consequences.

They are 12 and 17, they've seen his behaviour and remember it well, my 17 year old went to stay at his dads tonight to avoid having to say no to meeting him when he requested he sneaks out to meet him. They know not to open the door unless I'm there

OP posts:

danceyourselfdizzy1 · 03/07/2023 20:44

You may dislike his actions but they are the symptoms of his unmet needs in childhood. Your guilt has led you here to garner encouragement to abandon him yourself rather than work out the problem and reflect on your own contribution to it.

Fuck me, what a load of nonsense!

Original poster

mrsneate · 03/07/2023 20:46

EvilElsa · 03/07/2023 20:37

Like the police would pick up an adult and drop back at their parents (who didn't want them there anyway) like some sort of free taxi service 🤣
If he turns up and tries to gain entry call the police. He has no right to be in your home. He doesn't live there and hasn't for some time. He has stolen from you and threatened you. Make sure the house is secure at all times. Do you have CCTV? I'd consider it if not.

We have an old non working cctv but the cameras are visible and still look like they are working. I have also just given in and ordered a ring doorbell x

OP posts:

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 20:46

@danceyourselfdizzy1 the thing is it isn't nonsense. It's evidence based. Through neuroscience we now know why people act they way they do. When you learn it, it becomes very clear. If you are interested take a look at trauma, the nervous system, polyvagal theory, contemporary psychology.

Lilly0909 · 03/07/2023 20:47

Nope, ignore him

Brumbies · 03/07/2023 20:51

I could have written this. :(

My son has treated me and his dad so badly over the years, only difference here is he's almost twice the age of your son.

There is a child in the mix and the child is all I care about now.

Original poster

mrsneate · 03/07/2023 20:53

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 20:43

Well his father buggering off is one huge trauma. You saying it so flippantly is alarming- what else did you treat with such limited compassion when he was a kid? The fact you feel you parented your kids the same isn't a good thing either. He has trauma, father leaving being one thing. The evidence for this is in how he is behaving- that is the symptom of what he has been through. Every child has different needs so it doesn't matter if you parented the same, your parenting needs to reflect the needs of the child. No doubt he hates himself. His own father left him, the person who should love him more than anything and anyone, and he didn't, instead he abandoned him. Now he's continuing the cycle because no one's helped him process his trauma and no one's shown him a better way.

You may dislike his actions but they are the symptoms of his unmet needs in childhood. Your guilt has led you here to garner encouragement to abandon him yourself rather than work out the problem and reflect on your own contribution to it.

Go on then, you tell me what I should have done..

I raised him to know better than he's behaving, I supported him in EVERY aspect, until he carelessly lost another job (without telling me!) and got another girl pregnant after being with her for a few weeks. That was when I drew the line I was working myself into the ground to support my THREE children and my grandchild and as an adult he would not hold down a job and then made another baby,

He then told me to eff off and moved out, I never kicked him out, I never abandoned him, he then told everyone I had kicked him out for the third time, I withheld his birth certificate so he couldn't get his own bank account, I took all his money from his few weeks in work or his benefits, I never gave him access to water for showering or food. None of this was true!

His room was squalor, I tidied it MANY times, decorated it many times.

He stole my jewellery, he stole my last £20, he tried to steal my car, I had to sleep with my keys and my purse under my pillow, and when I was on a 13 hour shift I would come home and the house would be destroyed, or I'd get phone calls from neighbours saying he was setting fires in the house.

Despite all this, I support him no end.

Should I let him back in and go back to that again? Because being homeless and at rock bottom 16 months ago hasn't made him realise it's HIS behaviour that's the issue,

I reached out many times, and was ignored. As has the rest of the family.

OP posts:

Brefugee · 03/07/2023 20:54

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 20:46

@danceyourselfdizzy1 the thing is it isn't nonsense. It's evidence based. Through neuroscience we now know why people act they way they do. When you learn it, it becomes very clear. If you are interested take a look at trauma, the nervous system, polyvagal theory, contemporary psychology.

Bore off and tell his dad who walked out all that

Original poster

mrsneate · 03/07/2023 20:56

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 20:46

@danceyourselfdizzy1 the thing is it isn't nonsense. It's evidence based. Through neuroscience we now know why people act they way they do. When you learn it, it becomes very clear. If you are interested take a look at trauma, the nervous system, polyvagal theory, contemporary psychology.

My dad wasn't around, I'm not a drug taking thief with no respect for anyone!

OP posts:

itsmylife7 · 03/07/2023 20:56

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 20:46

@danceyourselfdizzy1 the thing is it isn't nonsense. It's evidence based. Through neuroscience we now know why people act they way they do. When you learn it, it becomes very clear. If you are interested take a look at trauma, the nervous system, polyvagal theory, contemporary psychology.

Oh do be quiet @Theloosegoose you've got no idea what you're talking about.
Us parents who've got an adult child like this know it's NOT our fault... stop blaming decent parents.

Original poster

mrsneate · 03/07/2023 20:56

Brumbies · 03/07/2023 20:51

I could have written this. :(

My son has treated me and his dad so badly over the years, only difference here is he's almost twice the age of your son.

There is a child in the mix and the child is all I care about now.

Sorry you're going through this too x

OP posts:

Leastsaidsoonestscrewed · 03/07/2023 21:00

Theloosegoose · 03/07/2023 19:31

Have you explored your role in his behaviour? You will have a degree of responsibility to take for the chaotic way he is living. Whilst mumsnetters will lament the fact he is an adult, and that may be so, but he is also your child and the way he behaves will have been shaped by his upbringing. It might be painful but reflection is the way forward for both of you.

Wondered how soon the "it's all your fault" post was going to appear. 🙄

Leastsaidsoonestscrewed · 03/07/2023 21:01

@Theloosegoose
Has learned some long words and wants to play expert... SIGH

Eve171 · 03/07/2023 21:02

OP, ignore the "expert" who knows everything about your situation and knows you're to blame for everything, it's all your fault, blah blah.

Original poster

mrsneate · 03/07/2023 21:02

Leastsaidsoonestscrewed · 03/07/2023 21:01

@Theloosegoose
Has learned some long words and wants to play expert... SIGH

I was expecting more tbh! It's taken me three days to post it 😁

OP posts: