Estranged Son - AIBU to not have him back under my roof.

[mrsneate]

From the ages of 15-19 he put me though hell, lied, stole, destroyed my house and belongings. For a long time I would have to have locks on bedroom doors etc

He's now 21. Already has one DC (3yo) 16 months ago after finding out he's lost his third job in six months due to not turning up and that he'd gotten his new girlfriend pregnant, it blew up. I told him I will not support another child of his whilst he sits on his arse,

He told me to FxxK off, and whilst I was dropping my youngest dc to his residential school trip he had packed his bags and left. Turned up and the girlfs parents and told a load of lies, including I'd kicked him out, I'd kept all his wages/benefits from him, I never gave him food etc, I was withholding his birth certificate so he could t get his own account,

None of it true, I paid out a serious amount of money on baby items, a dna test and fed and clothed him, and his son and the new girlf 3/4 days a week, his room was like a squatters room, it was disgusting.

Anyway, I tried telling the girlfs mother what he was like when she contacted me to say he was there, she sent many abusive messages calling me an unfit mother. Threatening to report me to social services and the professional body (work related) I blocked her,

Over the weekend I got a message of someone that she was trying to contact me regarding my son, turns out she's finally had enough and was demanding I go an collect him (45 min drive away)

I refused, I cannot have him back living with me. He stole a lot of money and items off me. Now I'm on edge in my own home again, he doesn't know where we live as I've now moved in with DP, but in the same village so wouldn't be rocket science to find it. But he's also had the nerve to text my middle son today asking him to sneak out with the dog to meet him. I think so he can follow him home to find out where we live.

I have tried numerous times to reach out to him and he's ignored me and every single family member since he left, got in with the wrong crowd. But more disgustingly, has abandoned his son and hasn't seen him in 16 months either.

I don't want him in my home, I don't want to go back to living on edge waiting for trouble at the door, him to steal thing (especially now do has bought me a fair bit of expensive jewellery!)

I have one sibling who is a selfish, self obsessed fuck up. The rest of us are fine.

Not everything can be explained by blaming the Mum. The latest modern obsession of blaming all bad behaviour on external factors or someone or something else is so tiresome. Accepting responsibility for your own actions is one of the many key life skills we all need to learn, it makes us tolerable to others.

I don't know about shaming the OP, but you're certainly shaming yourself by hectoring the OP. I'm sure she absolutely isn't dismissive of her child's father leaving and it sounds like she's gone well above and well beyond to compensate.

Maybe leave the psychiatry to the experts.

Stay strong OP. Hes an adult and needs to learn that choices have consequences.

Whatever the history the fact remains that OP's son is still an adult and one that is antisocial to be around, at some point he has to take responsibility for himself.

He is burning bridges everywhere, he can decide to continue as he is or change the way he does things.

The OP does not have to and should not create turmoil in her household because her 21 year old seems incapable of grasping that most people will not tolerate certain behaviours.

I can think of a handful of families where the children have gone off the rails despite having had a loving childhood and others where children have had a horrendous time but managed to turn their life around. Nurture does not account for everything.

He’s 21 he’s not a child, you aren’t responsible for him anymore, what is the other mother smoking to think you’d go fetch him back 🤣

@bumblebee2235
I suspect so, around the age of 16. He half arsed did college, met a girl, dropped out with a year to go,
Got a job, met grandson mum, stopped turning up for work instead was going to his friends nearby the work and getting stoned

Split with grandsons mum, got a new job, was sharing custody with grandsons mum, in my home

Met a girl, stopped Turing up for work.

Rinse repeat, over two years he decided to move out just shy of his 19th birthday in March 2021

Numerous attempts to maintain contact have gone ignored. Even this weekend. I wanted to know he was safe and not dead somewhere.

It was like a trail of self destruction, once he was 16 there was a number of underage girls as well which, no matter how much I told him he wouldn't listen that it could ruin his life,

Then the latest one came along. He's still with her, her behaviour is vile too, though she's very good at hiding this from her family so her mother thinks she's an angel.

This - he's 21. You are not responsible for him, and TBH it looks like you need to protect your younger children from his behaviour. He must have been a nightmare to live with for everyone in the house.

Hid gf's mother hadn't a good word for you only a few weeks ago and now she wants you to take him off her hands because she has found out that you weren't lying when you warned her - well, tough! She wanted him, she's got him. If she wants rid, it's up to her to put him out.

Don't accept him back - you'll never get rid of him again and it will have an awful effect on your family.

My god you are depressingly gullible.

I've listened to lots of interviews with criminals convicted of the most serious offences and they have learned that saying they had a traumatic childhood is one of the ways they can plead mitigation at sentencing. In some cases it's absolutely true but in a lot of cases they lie through their teeth which means that any data which relies on self reporting from someone who has an interest in garnering sympathy can't be relied on.

The police couldn't force you to take I'm back - he's an adult.

And TBH even if he were a child, if you refused to look after him he'd be taken into care. But he's an adult, so they won't do that either.

His gf's mother is as thick as mince!

*him back, not I'm

@Theloosegoose I don’t think your comments have really been very helpful. Maybe it’s true that the son here needs to do some ‘deeper work’, but whatever the multi factorial causation of his behaviour is, OP has clearly been a devoted mother, gone above and beyond and at this point can do nothing more without endangering herself, her other family, and her son by enabling his father destruction. There is zero point in her second guessing everything she has ever done.c I am sure this young man knows he is loved and that if he were to show the slightest bit of willing to do any work, deeper or otherwise, on turning himself around he would have family support. However he is an adult with clearly no intention of change.

Further destruction, not father! Ironic typo sorry. M

Behavior is a choice! And treating others like dirt, being irresponsible, lying, stealing from your mum, taking drugs, refusing to show up for work, ignoring your own small children, not cleaning up after yourself and trashing your mum’s property are all choices, with consequences.

Being a parent should not require being a martyr who accepts being disrespected, taken advantage of, and abused. You can, and should, expect much, much better from your children!

Don’t cave OP, do exactly what’s best for you and your life!

She’s clearly deranged as he’s 21

No, just no. Don’t take him back

Just say you can't have him back anymore because you don't have a house anymore. You moved out and are now living in someone else's home.

@Theloosegoose how about you leave the OP alone and stop the boring misogynistic victim blaming. She's been a great mum for 21 years to this waste of space. Read up on psychopaths, their brains are wired differently, they have no conscience, no empathy, there really is nothing there and even the best parenting can't create an unselfish person, who isn't only ever pretending to give a fuck, out of that raw material. I'm not diagnosing him as such, obviously, just saying that there isn't always a conveniently obvious, simplistic, neat, causal relationship between parenting standards and quality of character in their offspring. She's a good mum, he's beyond help.

I'd also be talking to my other son that you don't want him to know where you live. I'd probably offer to meet up in a cafe and buy him a meal every now and again.

It absolutely IS nonsense when somebody unqualified to diagnose, insists on doing so.

You're being horribly disrespectful to the OP and sounding sillier with every post; just stop it.

Don’t have him back, he needs to stand on his own feet and as difficult as this is for both of you it could be the best thing you ever do for him.

He needs to rise to the challenge of being responsible for himself and get help for his problems. Stay strong.

The girlfriend’s mother sounds bizarre, who on earth talks about police and social services in these circumstances for a 21 year old man?! She surely can’t really think that’s a thing.

I don’t know how it works, but maybe others do…wondering if you should notify local police of your concerns and the background/risks so that if he does turn up they are already aware of the situation.

Oh and just in case you pop back with your protestations of twenty-three PhDs, I don't believe you.

This is so so hard. I absolutely wouldn't have him back but there are already lots of issues by your own admission.
I'm an adult of course but would feel hugely emotionally rejected if my Mum didn't even tell me she'd moved or where to.
Could you not get in contact or find a HMO / shared accommodation for him. He absolutely can't go home and needs to stand on his own two feet but might need some additional support to do that?

@Theloosegoose

Have just read a lot of stuff online ? You seem rather smug

You don’t have to take him back - if anything he has to hit rock bottom before he can sort himself out.

You can still be kind, but not drawn into his drama.

The only person who can help him now is himself - he has to want to be off the drugs and out of the gutter.

You clearly did your best and sometimes we can’t do anymore than we have already.

I think you have also been traumatized by the experience and it’s not the outcome we predicted when we give birth - we all want happy successful children - sometimes it’s taken out of our control.

Good luck - stay firm and resolved.

Wondered how soon the "it's all your fault" post was going to appear.

I don’t think the poster was saying it was all OPs fault, but it is a fact that childhood does have a huge impact us. Often troubled adults have suffered some sort of trauma or struggled with something in childhood and it spirals. It’s really hard to get a hold of once it starts and it’s really hard to get any help from anyone. I think parents often don’t know what the hell to do when it happens.

That doesn’t mean OP should have her son back home of course. I suppose I would try to keep communication open and let him know that he needs to change, which will be hard for him to do now. Some people get a wake up call that's enough to make them realise, others never change.

He's 21, you're under no obligation to house him at all. He can declare himself homeless and learn to stand on his own two feet!

Could you not get in contact or find a HMO / shared accommodation for him

By what the OP has said, she has already enabled him massively through the best of intentions.
Continuing to do so now that he is an adult would be doing him a disservice. Time for him to grow up and stop leaving off soft hearted middle aged women.