Single mother DD, refusing to get a job.

[LiloAndS]

Hello everyone.
My DD is 30 and a mum of two (9yo girl and 4yo boy). My DD fell pregnant with her eldest young, accidently and with her first, long term boyfriend. Unfortunately, he did not step up to the plate and left DD when she was halfway through her pregnancy and has had nothing to do with my granddaughter for her whole life. DD lived with us until granddaughter was around 2, then moved in to her own flat. Shortly after, she met a new guy who seemed lovely, but fell pregnant pretty much straight away. I will say, this was definitely unplanned and a very upsetting time for my daughter. She considered abortion multiple times, to the point where she had a consultation booked twice and had me drive her, but ultimately could not go through with it. New guy turned out to be not so lovely, and also wanted nothing to do with his child. DD was depressed for her whole pregnancy and struggled to bond with the baby inside her. Thankfully, she fell in love as soon as he was born. I want to add, my daughter is a fantastic mother, her whole life revolves around the children, they are happy, clean, well cared for, etc, etc. But the reality is, she has been on benefits all this time. Fast forward to now and her youngest has just been diagnosed with autism. He is only just learning to speak and has some challenging behaviour, I'll admit that. DD has been awarded DLA and carer's money for him. She told me today, work is not on her mind at the moment as her little boy needs her, and she has decided to dedicate the next few years to helping him develop. I just feel so sad for her. She could be going to college, getting a part time job and meeting people. I worry about her future. She has no partner to help or support her. I'm also ashamed to admit, I feel a bit embarrassed when my friend's talk of their high flying children. How can I encourage my DD to want more for herself? She is smart, beautiful, has so much potential in this life. Thanks.

So, you think she's smart, beautiful and dedicated to her children. I would also add that she has another great quality, resilience, to get through the hard times that she has.

That is plenty to be proud of, so how can you be embarrassed when your friends talk about their high fliers?

I would also add that on a practical level, childcare for autistic children with challenging behaviours is hard to come by. Are you offering it to her?

Sorry but I think YABU. She isn't refusing to get a job, she's putting her children first and being the best mum that she possible can be.

You sound like you're jealous of your friends with high flying kids.

30 is still young. My mum graduated from uni at 55 AFTER giving us kids the time and nurture that we needed.

Just to add, I've never shown my daughter that I'm disappointed in any way whatsoever. I'm very positive and encouraging. Always telling her how smart and capable she is, and suggesting things she would be good at. She just tells me she would be happy with a part time job in a shop once her son is a little older. That she is low maintenance and doesn't want for much. (This is true, she has always been this way). That she would like to meet a partner and settle down eventually too. I just feel so sad. She is my only child and I had big dreams for her. I'm very driven and can't understand it at all.

Good for you. You’re very driven. She doesn’t need to be. She’s an entirely separate entity for you and does not need to live life on your terms. Let it go.

do you think maybe you projecting what you wanted for your life onto her?
you want to feel important and valued for a smart career and so would love to be able to brag about your child doing that instead? I think that’s normal, not in a good way though.

Your DD sounds amazing. She is driven - to provide the best possible care and upbringing for her children, one of whom has a disability and for whom she rightly and justifiably receives benefits. She sounds like an incredible young woman who is doing her best. Be proud of her, and shout from the rooftops about how proud you are. That's what she and your grandchildren deserve.
PS hope she has claimed maintenance from those two deadbeats.

This is the problem with having big dreams for your children. They're not extensions of you, and are under no obligation at all to fulfill your dreams for you. She's her own human being with her own dreams. She's raised two children and is a good mother who has shown a lot of resilience.

Your inability to be proud of her for that is your problem, not hers. I'm glad my mother wasn't like you because I had my daughter at 16 and my mam has told me every step of the way that she's so proud of me and everything I've done, even though it's not quite what she had planned for me. I'm sure she could have been embarrassed of me or sad for me, but she never was. She'd take every opportunity she could to tell everyone what a tough and resilient woman she's raised. She made me feel like a superhero when I was at my lowest ebb.

Maybe focus on all she has done instead of being sad she hasn't done what you would have.

She has a DS with autism? And you think she's downgrading herself because she doesn't work? Fuck that for a lark.

I don't know many mums with an autistic child who managed to work through it, even less where the mum is a single parent and none who didn't do it to the significant detriment of their child.

Be careful how you express yourself. I cut people off for less judgemental Attitudes than yours. Deeply deeply unhelpful.

An individual shouldn't only be valued for their monetary contribution to society. A measure of a society (whether that is a family or a society as a whole) is how it takes care of those most vulnerable. We should be proud of those who care for others.

It's a deep failing in society when we feel embarrassed or ashamed of those who care

I understand, OP; I too would be disappointed.

You attitude is clearly very apparent to your daughter.

Your dd has found a life that she enjoys. She has two children who she clearly loves and is devoted to. She is prudent and has found a way to make benefits plus carers allowance work for her. She is happy.

Having a big career is not the be all and end all. Look around you at so many stressed and unhappy people. Your dd is happy in challenging circumstances. That in itself is an achievement. Can't you just be happy for her.

It’s a separate issue to being a high-achiever or driven. I’d be very disappointed if my children didn’t understand that providing for yourself and your family is an essential part of reality.

I assume your daughter also feels disappointed she can’t support herself, but is having to make difficult decisions at the moment around that because of the needs of her children.
It’s not ideal but it’s the hand she’s been dealt. Hopefully in the future she’ll be able to support herself and her children but right now if she needs to focus on the practical part of child-rearing and accept societal help with her other major responsibility as a parent, financially supporting them, that’s just how it is.

Why?

I’d suggest you take your own advice around taking care on how you express yourself. Parents of autistic children working to support them do not do so to the detriment of their child.

Thank you for the responses. I am proud of my daughter. I just thought her life would look very different to how it does. Her father and I both have professional careers. It was her birthday last week and I offered to take her to a lovely restaurant for lunch - she said she wanted to go to Wetherspoons! Ha ha. She thinks fancy restaurants are a rip off. I offered to buy her a new outfit, she said she only buys secondhand for herself and she has enough clothes. I've always loved the finer things in life and worked hard, so my daughter could enjoy them too. But it would appear she does not want to. She has always just enjoyed the simple things in life, from a young age. She is just so smart and beautiful. She could of been a model, really. She's gorgeous. I will add, my granddaughter is the most confident little thing, and so secure and well adjusted considering she has never had a father. I imagine this is because her mother has devoted her life to her and her brother. So yes, I owe her more credit. It is just hard sometimes.

I appreciate some people have to work but I'm afraid it was without exception my experience, the EHCPs were often the less detailed, they had the least intensive one to one imput, stuff was missed.

I don't realise this will be a controversial opinion

Do!!

Your daughter's doesn't seem particularly smart having made the same mistake twice, but what's done is done. She's right, her boy needs her.
When it become apparent as to how severe his needs actually are, then she can think about going back to work.
YANBU to be disappointed that she's wasted her potential - not for a 'high flying' job mind, but independence. At the same time she seems to be coping well as a mother, so there's that.

*daughter
No apostrophe

Why do you have to compare your dd? And how come you are overlooking her wonderful qualities because they are remunerated in the world of employment?

NOT remunerated

My parents are intellectuals, with several degrees each both did excellently in their careers so it was a given that I'd go to Uni and then get a great job but as it turns life took me down a different path.

I know initially my parents were really disappointed but now they are prouder than me than they could ever be, I'm a SAHM and I don't have a degree but I'm happy and isn't that all we want for our children anyway?

Your daughter maybe doesn't want the same things out of life that you do. She's shown courage and resilience and she's doing probably the hardest job on the planet, raising a child with additional needs. You shouldn't feel ashamed of her, you should be proud.

Let her live the life she wants. Loosen the control. She’s not a doll, nor is she your puppet. She’s old enough to know what restaurants she likes to eat in and what clothes she likes to wear. Your attitude is coming across as snobbish and condescending.

I’m also not sure why you keep fixating on how beautiful she is. Do you somehow think she’s squandered this? You’re trying to live her life for her, but it sounds as though she’s happy and content. Isn’t that what parents should want for their kids?

To answer the question asked above, I cannot help out with grandson much as I work. He also prefers to be at home and with his mum and I don't want to upset him. I do appreciate she has her work cut out with him. He's a lovely child though and making steady progress. My daughter has put her all in to him. He is now speaking and can tell us what he wants, if he is hurt, etc etc. He sings nursery rhymes to us. Unimaginable a year ago.

YABU.

She is a single mum with minimal (zero?) support, and having a child with ASD is incredibly hard work. Not to mention her eldest as well. I’m not sure how you expect her to work in all honesty. It’s not as if you’re offering to have her kids x days a week so she can.

In a few years once a routine has been set up with schools etc then it’s something she may want to look into (even if it’s part time), but I wouldn’t be pushing it.

She needs your support, not your judgement. Instead of whining about how she’s embarrassed you, why don’t you step up and support her more so she can go to college or get a job if she wants to? She could work a day at the weekend to start, why don’t you take the kids for her? Or does that not sound that fun for you and you’d rather not?

My sibling has severe autism, my mum couldn’t return to work as much as she wanted to. My dad had to support the family financially. And even with having both parents present, they still found it incredibly difficult (and still do to this day as they continue to provide care into adulthood).

I have a child with ASD, I work part time. But it’s only possible because I have support from my mum a day a week so I can go to work, and my partner works around my shifts for the other days. I have my partner here for support and to share the load. It’s still hard work and utterly draining at times.

I’m really not sure what you’re expecting here when she doesn’t have support from either child’s father and you aren’t able/willing to have the children either.

She sounds like a great mum. Stop giving a fuck what your “friends” think and start realising what a great job she’s doing.