Single mother DD, refusing to get a job.

[LiloAndS]

Hello everyone.
My DD is 30 and a mum of two (9yo girl and 4yo boy). My DD fell pregnant with her eldest young, accidently and with her first, long term boyfriend. Unfortunately, he did not step up to the plate and left DD when she was halfway through her pregnancy and has had nothing to do with my granddaughter for her whole life. DD lived with us until granddaughter was around 2, then moved in to her own flat. Shortly after, she met a new guy who seemed lovely, but fell pregnant pretty much straight away. I will say, this was definitely unplanned and a very upsetting time for my daughter. She considered abortion multiple times, to the point where she had a consultation booked twice and had me drive her, but ultimately could not go through with it. New guy turned out to be not so lovely, and also wanted nothing to do with his child. DD was depressed for her whole pregnancy and struggled to bond with the baby inside her. Thankfully, she fell in love as soon as he was born. I want to add, my daughter is a fantastic mother, her whole life revolves around the children, they are happy, clean, well cared for, etc, etc. But the reality is, she has been on benefits all this time. Fast forward to now and her youngest has just been diagnosed with autism. He is only just learning to speak and has some challenging behaviour, I'll admit that. DD has been awarded DLA and carer's money for him. She told me today, work is not on her mind at the moment as her little boy needs her, and she has decided to dedicate the next few years to helping him develop. I just feel so sad for her. She could be going to college, getting a part time job and meeting people. I worry about her future. She has no partner to help or support her. I'm also ashamed to admit, I feel a bit embarrassed when my friend's talk of their high flying children. How can I encourage my DD to want more for herself? She is smart, beautiful, has so much potential in this life. Thanks.

Exactly... where are the dads in all of this? Off scot free doing what they want with their lives. I'm sure if she didn't have the children she would be working/ contributing more. It's sad that she is being blamed just because she has the children to look after and the men are just living their independent lives.

Honestly it sounds like your daughter has her head screwed on and her priorities straight. She is focused on her children for now. She isn’t money or material focused and lives within her means. She’s created a home and safe space for her children. So much that her daughter is happy to rest at home after school instead of clubs. She’s two parents in one.

You struggle because she isn’t like you. She isn’t interested in the finer things as you stated. She doesn’t need or want that. Which is not how you vision life yourself for you or your family. Her priorities sound different to yours but they aren’t wrong.

Life doesn’t always go the way we planned. Not everyone is career driven. ambitious or needing to climb a ladder. it sounds like she’s grabbed what she was dealt and gone with it. You should be proud of the young woman she has become. She sounds great to me.

I rather like her "Let's just go to Spoons" attitude. I think she doesn't want to take all your money and is very aware that she's "on benefits". I think you could help her with different kinds of presents and support OP - things which exist in the overlap between your values. And those might give you more closeness. I sense underneath it all you're worried that your own choices have harmed her in some way. Chill out! Be kind to both of you. You've both done the best by your children according to the information & chances you have had. In that way you are very similar.

You're professional and have some disposable income and time. She's a highly committed mother. How about you research things and opportunities to help the children and support their growth and fun, sounds like she'd value that, if it wasn't all about high status, academic stuff? Autism is expensive, there must be things like food supplements and weighted blankets and the like, that she'd appreciate being able to afford. Could you research? For your granddaughter, she doesn't want her overscheduled, but are there things like trampolines you could keep at your house for her to play on, or a gymnastics summer course, or pay for music lessons at school or take her and friends somewhere for the day?

I think you need to back off a bit. She is a single mum to 2 young children, 1 with additional needs and wants to support him herself, if she goes to work she starts losing benefits and also misses out on his upbringing and development. You sound embarrassed by her which is really sad. I have a career, but I also have two young children and 1 has special needs, I had to go to work part time as have a mortgage to pay, I would have much preferred to stay at home with my babies.

It's respite... not rest bite.

Yes, her situation now is very difficult.

I don’t think the OP is at all unreasonable for being sad that despite an unplanned pregnancy at 21 with a loser, the daughter (who may or may not have worked in the intervening years) did it again at 26, and now lives on benefits with neither of the fathers involved, because her life has become too complicated for her to work.

I’d be bloody disappointed at that life for my child, too. It’s small and not prosperous.

The OP clearly adores her daughter and GC, but feeling sad at how her life has turned out in the circumstances is understandable, and I’d feel the same.

How the bloody hell do you expect her to work then?! She's not refusing to get a job, like you suggest, she can't physically fit one in! You sound really nasty and judgemental. Your DD, on the other hand, sounds amazing! Her children are very lucky!

Extremely irritated by the suggestion that working parents do so to the detriment of their SEN children. I work full time and have still fought tooth and nail for my autistic/ADHD son to receive the very best education and now goes to a £90k a year independent specialist school. I’m also at home every single day to see him off to school and welcome him home. My work does not have any negative impact on him!!

That said, OP - I am extremely lucky that circumstances have allowed me to work. I was already a few steps up my career ladder when I became a mum, covid completely changed expectations and I have worked from home ever since (my sons additional needs became apparent during covid). I’m also lucky to have a senior manager who was a SEN parent so who is incredibly flexible. It does mean I’m a little bit trapped in my job for now, as I couldn’t find anything else with this level of flexibility, but that’s fine. It is very clear that your daughter cannot work right now, and that’s fine.

Once your GS - or rather if - has daytime support or education in place, then your DD may just have some time in the day to herself. At first, I imagine that she’ll need a good rest & some recuperation.

There will come a point (hopefully) when she has the bandwidth to consider some adult education access courses or volunteering to build up her social interactions, develop skills or even enjoy herself. This will make it easier for her to find better paid work when the time is right for & her family.

Being practical, your DD is now thirty & she does need to have a loose plan about paid employment at some point. Her SAHM status towards pension credits will only last for a few years & entering the workforce is a given. The key is not to expect a job waiting for her when that time comes, but prepare sooner by upskilling & volunteering as & when she can so that she offers more when looking for work.

So you want her to get a job even though she has a disabled son and you aren't offering childcare? You know she would probably be worse off working as a single parent because childcare is so expensive and the effort she has put into her son to help his development would decline as she wouldn't be able to afford 1 to 1 assistance, all you seem to care about is bragging to your friends about her having a good career. I would have some understanding if you were filling to help with childcare but you aren't.

I had a wonderful career, my child has autism. She was looked after by parents but then they could not manage. My daughter's autism meant she couldn't manage after school clubs , she had serious separation anxiety. I ended up having a nervous breakdown trying to manage everything. I gave up my dreams of moving to a house with a garden, my new higher management position. It was hard but the needs of my daughter were far more important.

Your daughter is being a wonderful mother and putting her children's needs first. Don't underestimate how difficult it can be.

I fought long and hard to get my daughter into a specialist school and at 13 after many difficult years she is now flourishing. I have no shame for giving everything up for my child .

Are there time limits on claiming benefits in the UK? (I'm in Australia and on the carer pension, I don't know how parental pensions work.)

Please do let your daughter do what she feels is best for her child, caring for 2 children as a single parent including one with autism is far much more of a job than anything and if this wasn’t her own child she was caring for wouldn’t you or anyone be thinking what a wonderful and admirable job? She receives benefits without pressure to somehow do paid employment on top because even the government plus almost anyone I’d know thinks she does enough. She’ll no doubt want to pursue a career when she feels the time is right and hopefully as you’re so keen you’ll give her as much childcare and practical support as possible.

You're living in cloud cuckoo land if you think there are many jobs your DD could do in her present circumstances. There aren't many employers who will want someone who can do extremely limited hours, is unreliable due to their caring commitments and is probably exhausted a lot of the time.

It sounds like your DD has made some unwise choices and I can understand you being upset that she's ended up where she has, but any suggestions for moving forward need to be realistic. Until her DS is reliably settled in a childcare or educational setting with reasonable hours which can meet his needs and she doesn't have to be constantly 'on standby' to collect if necessary, then there is very little she can do and expecting anything else is unhelpful and hurtful.

Would you be able to provide childcare one day per weekend so she can get a part-time job or study? That might be a way of moving forward.

Above all this on a practical level, how do you expect your daughter physically to get a job? Who would look after the younger boy? You?

It's not easy to be a good parent, that alone is an amazing achievement. The average job is way easier than parenting a child with additional needs single-handedly.
I suspect she knows you're ashamed of her even if you don't verbalise it it will leak out in little ways here and there. This is about you feeling you've let her down that she got pregnant quickly young and then again. You're seeing her as an extension of you and that her choices are a reflection on you as a parent.

Wow what an awful post OP

Sure, but that's not quite what OP is saying. She's not saying 'is it OK to feel disappointed in how my daughter's life has turned out?' - she's saying 'is it OK to expect her to get a job?'

And the answer is no, it's not OK to expect her to get a job.

@Handholdplease85 no one is paid by the state to stay at home for 5 years with a small child. Benefit rules mean you need to start working when your child is 3 (in the absence of disability) . So I don't know in which country or which benefit regime the OPs daughter is apparently living.

It is an unfortunate set of circumstances but I do get the OP here too. Her daughter didn't choose the path of education and professional development and independence from get go, from young age, her priorities were different and she didn't seem to have a clear path in her head. That said, now she has two young kids, one with special needs, it is not the right time to make drastic changes. But it did sound like she didn't have many interests in life to get on her own feet from the start, which is upsetting for the OP. Once the children are adults, she will have to start with nothing, which is not impossible but hard. I get both here

With kindness youve already built the life you want now let your daughter do the same without the weight of your expectations. Your daughter sounds like a wonderful parent. I don't think you realise how hard it can be to work when you have a child with autism. I had a successful career before i had my son and had to move to a casual work contract as my son wasn't able to cope with the long hours and it impacted his behaviour and overall happiness. This was only possible as i have a supportive husband. I understand you want the best for her but that should be based on what she wants.

I’m a mother of two autistic children and one with dyslexia. I have zero family support in terms of help with costs or childcare. I also work a very FT job and a senior leadership role. You are being ridiculous. Your daughter is in a tough spot and the system in England isn’t designed for her to work.

If you want to help your daughter I suggest you offer to help with therapy costs for your grandson. It made a huge difference to my children. Speech and occupational therapy were both great and play therapy helped a lot during the younger years. It’s incredibly expensive but the impact is massive.

For me to work there have been times where I’ve made less than the cost of working. My ex husband was a high earner and his income enable me to make the investment in my career. Today I have a full time nanny despite the children being at school and I’m paying for private school for all 3. While I have a high income there isn’t much left. I’m also permanently exhausted.

Lots of mothers in my sons class have studied once their children start school. Some have trained to be speech therapists, behavioral experts and psychologists. If I were you I’d back off now and support her supporting her autistic child and wait for her to suggest work.

FWIW, her comment about wrap care is interesting. My experience has been wrap care is monumentally awful for children. They need to come home and chill out after a day at school. This is why I have a nanny. High quality childcare is extremely expensive but vitally important. My nanny is a professional child development expert. I don’t mess about with this. The nanny needs me actively managing them so they can do their job properly.

I think some posters have been a little harsh. I don't think many would wish our children to have reached 30 without ever working and to be living off benefits. But she sounds like an incredible mother and very grounded person, and for that you should be very proud. She is making the very best out of unfortunate circumstances and there is still plenty time to make changes if she wishes, when her children are a little older.

@SybilWrites it certainly sounds like the OP is in the uk, there are several references to things that imply they are in the UK. I see what you’re saying but I know numerous people from school who have not worked since having kids, and the OP clearly states that her daughter hasn’t worked since having her DD.

So the rules may state that you’re meant to work once your child turns three but the reality is that many people don’t.

I can understand why you’re a bit disappointed. As you had high hopes for your DD. When my eldest (30 soon) didn’t work for a few years and dropped out of Uni I was disappointed as he is so bright and capable. He’s now got a good career and I’m very proud of him. My middle child is exceptionally driven and his father and I have always worked hard in our careers and hoping this will have rubbed off on them, but kids are individuals and don’t always live up to our dreams. My friend has an autistic DD and she’s been unable to work. She has a husband so no-one judges her. Your DD will find it hard to get childcare I would imagine and with my friend she was always getting called to the school, so not sure how she would have worked then. She is perfectly happy not working and I guess you just have to respect peoples choices. Perhaps you can help with after school childcare some days when she is ready to go back to work.