Single mother DD, refusing to get a job.

[LiloAndS]

Hello everyone.
My DD is 30 and a mum of two (9yo girl and 4yo boy). My DD fell pregnant with her eldest young, accidently and with her first, long term boyfriend. Unfortunately, he did not step up to the plate and left DD when she was halfway through her pregnancy and has had nothing to do with my granddaughter for her whole life. DD lived with us until granddaughter was around 2, then moved in to her own flat. Shortly after, she met a new guy who seemed lovely, but fell pregnant pretty much straight away. I will say, this was definitely unplanned and a very upsetting time for my daughter. She considered abortion multiple times, to the point where she had a consultation booked twice and had me drive her, but ultimately could not go through with it. New guy turned out to be not so lovely, and also wanted nothing to do with his child. DD was depressed for her whole pregnancy and struggled to bond with the baby inside her. Thankfully, she fell in love as soon as he was born. I want to add, my daughter is a fantastic mother, her whole life revolves around the children, they are happy, clean, well cared for, etc, etc. But the reality is, she has been on benefits all this time. Fast forward to now and her youngest has just been diagnosed with autism. He is only just learning to speak and has some challenging behaviour, I'll admit that. DD has been awarded DLA and carer's money for him. She told me today, work is not on her mind at the moment as her little boy needs her, and she has decided to dedicate the next few years to helping him develop. I just feel so sad for her. She could be going to college, getting a part time job and meeting people. I worry about her future. She has no partner to help or support her. I'm also ashamed to admit, I feel a bit embarrassed when my friend's talk of their high flying children. How can I encourage my DD to want more for herself? She is smart, beautiful, has so much potential in this life. Thanks.

This is quite hurtful to read.

A parents wish, surely, is for their child to be happy - and that means happy for them and not the parent - and it sounds like your daughter is. She's incredibly resourceful, resilient, a loving mother with her child's best interest, financially savvy, unpretentious, and sounds like she just has her head screwed on.

Sounds like a parents dream, I'd be oozing with pride. Just because you are career driven and like expensive restaurants, everyone is different.

4yo is still teeny, other hobbies/PT work can come in time, and it sounds like she'll organically make that move when it is right for her and her children.

Life and happiness isn't being in relationships, careers, and fine dining.

She's got a good heart, you could learn from her.

I kinda feel like you’ve posted this to receive negative comments about your daughter which is really unfair.

I’m a single mum to a 14 month old DS and 26 month old DD (2 in May). My DS has a rare genetic disorder and has weekly hospital appointments, the list goes on with him. My DD just had an assessment and the specialist has said that she most likely has Autism and will get the diagnosis ball rolling.

Despite all of that I work 3 days a week in the film industry in a really low maintenance job. It. Is. HARD. I’m actually considering dropping down to one day a week because it’s so difficult to prioritise your children and have work to worry about.

Yes your daughter has made the same mistake twice but there isn’t anything that can be done about that. It seems like she’s helped her boy come a long way in a short amount of time and you should be proud of that! It’s not as if she’s just being a bum and doing nothing with her days. She’s literally a carer. Yes you had high hopes for her but she’s not exactly failing at life is she?

Keep close contact and regular baby sitting, as your little grandson needs to know and trust you.
As he becomes more confident with you, you could offer to baby sit regularly on the same day each week. This might afford your daughter time to start a course or volunteer at a place that might end up giving her regular part time employment.

Does she have any interest in child care?
She might be well suited to caring for children with higher needs as she is so patient, thoughtful and consistant.

well said @MissTrip82
whilst I disagree that OP should judge her DD I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to think she should work as her daughters youngest is now school age ( ? I assume as he’s 4 ).
Nor do I think it is ok for posters to suggest working parents of sen children do so to the detriment of their children.

Thats an unusual take for MNs

So yes OP if I were you I would talk to your daughter about this. It would do her good to find a life outside the home, a chance to thrive in something else and provide for her children.

Autism parenting is a job a hard complex exhausting job . I could say lots more

Or perhaps just let her work be looking after her child , the health authority does in some instances offer payment and training to family members of people with complex needs . It’s a bit daft for op to go off and look after someone else’s child and someone else to look after hers . Yes rest bite and time off is important . Worth should not be measured by employment status .

Thank you for the responses. I am reading. I often wonder if my daughter has turned out this way due to my own parenting. She was in breakfast/after school club/extra curricular clubs from a young age. She would always cry and didn't want to go but had to due to my work commitments. Her children attend no clubs (my husband and I have offered to pay for whatever interests them), grandaughter says she would rather just play after school and DD won't let me try and tempt grandaughter further. She has made comments about not wanting to put her kids through what she went through. Maybe I am pushy, but it all comes from a good place in my heart. I want to offer the grandchildren more opportunities, particularly as DD's flat is in quite a deprived area. That said, her neighbours that I have met seem lovely and she's made her flat nice and cosy. All done secondhand, too. She is very thrifty. She's decorated it by putting the children's drawings up everywhere. Lots of fairy lights and charity shop nic nacs. Very homely, everyone says that. She's made a lovely home, much better than I could have done in her circumstances. I am proud of my daughter, even if this post may make it seem like I'm not.

Grandson has been deffered for a year, so won't be starting school until next year. The nursery are very good but he is only doing half days at the moment, as that is what was best for him. It is being gradually increased, though. I do appreciate this would make it tricky for my DD to find work, after writing it all down. I know she is also on hand incase they have to call her. If I didn't work full time, I could help her more but unfortunately it just is not possible.

I think you're failing to appreciate both:

1. Her values and priorities
2. Her responsibilities

I think you should be sadder that you don't have time to be so involved as you've potentially wasted a great deal of money over the years and thus still have to work full time, and that she felt she missed out on time with you as a child.

I don't actually think the second but if you're going to be disappointed with a strong, resilient, sensible, devoted young woman it makes sense to be disappointed with yourself first.

I really don’t think you should be ‘blaming ( not really the right word tbh ) yourself and your parenting choices.
Working parents use clubs to be able to work. Clubs are a great way for children to explore other interests and meet different people etc etc blah blah. We all know this is a good thing for kids!

Kids staying at home all the time and not doing clubs, social activities is not a good thing.
You did what you believed was right for your daughter.

It sounds like your daughter is doing really well. As long as she is coping and able to swing it to be her son's carer, then it's her choice. Don't you think she might be happy with her choices? Yes, maybe her spending so much time in care herself as a child has had an influence. I remember when my mother went back to work and what it was like before, and that has definitely affected my own choices for my children.

I have given up the possibility of a high level career to earn almost nothing and be home with my disabled child. Yes, I sometimes have some feelings about what might have been but I know that I'm doing what is right for my family. I also have a lot going on that I really love, but couldn't do if I had taken the other path towards more of a work and career life.

My values are that the people in my life are what matter. My children are worth more than a job where they would let me go as soon as they didn't need me anymore and where they quickly forget you when you stop producing.

If your daughter isn't able to manage financially, or feels she's not coping in other ways, then maybe she has to rethink and make some compromises, but it sounds like she's doing really well. You should be proud of her. She sounds like a lovely mother.

Do you feel like you have failed your dd because you have a full time professional job and therefore are not able to provide the childcare and support she needs to re-enter the workplace place?

I worry about her future. She has no partner to help or support her.

She had 2 partners, OP, and where are they? They didn't help and support her with the children they made with her. What makes you think it's a good idea for her to be thinking about new partners, especially if she's shown that she's prone to falling pregnant accidentally? I think she's safer the way she's living her life and taking care of her children. To be honest, she seems rather neurodivergent to me as well and vulnerable with "partners".

Let her be and support her with her children.

a genuine question and I don’t mean to goad but would you feel this way if your daughter had married a successful man and decided to stay at home to look after her two neurotypical children? You speak a lot about her earning potential but it seems more like it’s her social standing that doesn’t agree with you. Compounded by the fact you are wondering where you ‘went wrong’. She has been unlucky to fall for two men who didn’t step up, unlucky that her child has a disability, unlucky that we live in a society that not only doesn’t value the disabled, it actively punishes them. Your pals friends are probably uploading their pictures of their children’s lavish weddings and baby showers to Facebook at the moment so it’s easy to compare and see where your daughter comes up short. Two years ago I earned £50k a year. Then my daughter got sick and now I am all of the things you are ashamed of in your daughter. Well done her for getting up each day and fighting this battle because plenty of people couldn’t.

Sorry that you are struggling, clearly being a parent of an adult hasn't matched up with your vision of how it was going to be.
However you really need to work on yourself a lot if you want a better relationship with your daughter, otherwise it will only be arms length.
Your disappointment and judgement will cloud every interaction with her and will spoil your ability to just be happy that she can make her choices about how she wants to live her life.
She is not you, you are not her. If you want to support her, ask what you could do to help her, otherwise just enjoy spending time together where you can.
I say all of this as a parent who has now learnt to be happy when my pre schooler refuses to eat dinner, even if I think he should, because that means he knows what he wants and is happy to make it happen. Let's see if I can keep that going for the next 20+years!
Good luck!

I’d suggest you take your own advice around taking care on how you express yourself. Parents of autistic children working to support them do not do so to the detriment of their child.

Glad someone else picked up on that. I also worked as a LP to a ds with autism and a physical disability and not to his detriment. I did this whilst doing an OU degree to provide better in the future.

However I also understand everyone's situation is different.

OP I think you need to accept a high flying career as you put it maybe isn't for your dd regardless of her circumstances. But if she intends to work one day and fancies retail then she can make a career for herself (lots of opportunities for promotion in retail) and have a life and freedom for herself.

But right now be proud of her for coming through what she has and being a great mum.

Sometimes life doesn't turn out the way we planned but that doesn't mean it turns out to be a bad one.

Wow, this is sad. It seems you are obsessed with social status and comparing your daughter to others. I think you need to be really honest with yourself and admit that it’s the “single mum on benefits” social stigma that is bothering you. Encouraged by the right wing press no doubt.

It sounds as though you hothoused your daughter and in your mind it hasn’t “paid off”. You wanted her to be beautiful and successful and put heavy emphasis on both, and now she hasn’t lived up to that. And believe me, she will know, even if you’re not saying it.

Ultimately, what is life about? It isn’t about the finer things, or having fancy clothes, or a nicer house than others. That’s a shallow, empty existence. It’s about the relationships that we have with people. She sounds like an incredible mother, and a bomb is going off in her life (do you even care how she feels about her son’s diagnosis? Have you comforted her?) and all you can think about is the life you wanted for her as a pushy mother.

It’s ironic because the level of pressure you put her under and her unplanned pregnancies are probably not unrelated. Perhaps acknowledge your role in this situation and then work on being the sort of mother your daughter needs right now. And cut the Mrs Bennett shit.

She sounds amazing. You are clearly comfortably off and have a great career- won’t you regret not having more time with the grandchildren when they are little? (I work ft myself and have a great career. But I would never pressure a child like you seem to have- working ft makes me well aware of the trade off and if my child found being at home with young dc their calling id support as much as I can)
can you support in other ways that she would appreciate? Remember presents are for the recipient, not the giver. Instead of activities for the dc you could offer to pay for a cleaner fortnightly, or a meal delivery fortnightly. Or turn up with a meal and she can go have a long bath.

Your daughter sounds lovely and is in tune with what her children want and need. If she wants to find a career she has time. You just need to realise she's a different person to you with very different priories, or you will spoil the relationship you have. It seems like she has little or no help with childcare so working could prove difficult at the moment anyway.

This is a tricky one, and as I’ve read your updates I’ve changed my mind back and forwards a few times!!

I am the (adult!) child of a single parent - I was unplanned but very much loved. I look back at my mums life and I see so much hard work, strength and resilience. But life was a struggle for her and I know she wanted more for her own children. Because of how much she struggled with life, she had very different dreams for us - she wanted us settled with partners, with good jobs and nice homes.

So, I can absolutely understand your point of view OP - you want more for your daughter because, I imagine you look at her life and it seems like a struggle. A flat in a not very nice area, not a lot of money, having to be thrifty etc

We all say that we want our children to be happy and healthy. However, I think most of us want a bit more than that for them - we don’t want them to have to struggle. Being financially independent and comfortable does, without a doubt, make life easier.

Your daughter though seems to have different ideas - realistically she probably can’t work right now. Her wee boy has complex needs and will be hard to care for - imagine throwing a job in to the mix, and the stress that would add for him and her. I also think that your daughter has purposely chosen a different path to the one you took. It sounds like she wants to be a different type of parent, one that is more present in their child’s life. I don’t say this as a criticism to you - I work full time and both of my dd’s have been in childcare. But it sounds like a conscious decision she has made. She doesn’t need the material possessions etc

I think you just need to accept that and love her for who she is.

But I get your worry and that you want more for her - but that is based on your own life and what you need. It doesn’t sound like she needs the same.

Just to add - your daughter is also very young and might chose to study etc in the future when life is easier.

She hasn’t worked for 9 years?! But her sons only 4? Im surprised she’s been allowed to get away with this -l thought your child got to a certain age and you were made to look for work? I can see why you’re concerned OP, by the sounds of it she’s either never worked or not for any length of time and she’s 30. I appreciate her son has additional needs so requires more support. But it seems like this was a pattern before that

Comparison is a stupid thing to do, it’s a sign of your own issues not your dds

You shouldn't feel guilty OP.
There are plenty of people in the same position as your daughter, or worse with full time SAHM as parents.
Plenty who had the same childhood as your daughter and gone on to be successful - presumably like your friends' children.
You have done your best, and judging by how well your grandchildren are doing you've raised a dutiful young woman who is a good mother.

Maybe I am pushy, but it all comes from a good place in my heart.

Doesn't matter how good your motives may be, you inflicted a routine your daughter hated. My sympathy is with her and her daughter - school is quite enough to be dealing with, can't a child just come home after it and rest at the end of the day? I'd have loathed being forced to take part in all the clubs and whatnot kids have these days.

And your daughter isn't "refusing to work," she works bloody hard raising two young kids, one autistic. Seems to me you're mostly upset because she's on benefits. That's what benefits are for, she's not some grifter!