Single mother DD, refusing to get a job.

[LiloAndS]

Hello everyone.
My DD is 30 and a mum of two (9yo girl and 4yo boy). My DD fell pregnant with her eldest young, accidently and with her first, long term boyfriend. Unfortunately, he did not step up to the plate and left DD when she was halfway through her pregnancy and has had nothing to do with my granddaughter for her whole life. DD lived with us until granddaughter was around 2, then moved in to her own flat. Shortly after, she met a new guy who seemed lovely, but fell pregnant pretty much straight away. I will say, this was definitely unplanned and a very upsetting time for my daughter. She considered abortion multiple times, to the point where she had a consultation booked twice and had me drive her, but ultimately could not go through with it. New guy turned out to be not so lovely, and also wanted nothing to do with his child. DD was depressed for her whole pregnancy and struggled to bond with the baby inside her. Thankfully, she fell in love as soon as he was born. I want to add, my daughter is a fantastic mother, her whole life revolves around the children, they are happy, clean, well cared for, etc, etc. But the reality is, she has been on benefits all this time. Fast forward to now and her youngest has just been diagnosed with autism. He is only just learning to speak and has some challenging behaviour, I'll admit that. DD has been awarded DLA and carer's money for him. She told me today, work is not on her mind at the moment as her little boy needs her, and she has decided to dedicate the next few years to helping him develop. I just feel so sad for her. She could be going to college, getting a part time job and meeting people. I worry about her future. She has no partner to help or support her. I'm also ashamed to admit, I feel a bit embarrassed when my friend's talk of their high flying children. How can I encourage my DD to want more for herself? She is smart, beautiful, has so much potential in this life. Thanks.

I think your issue is that you’re viewing your DDs life and choices as a reflection on you. She is a separate individual and what she does/chooses is not about you.

Sounds like she is managing well considering she had a child young and 2 children without the fathers support. She’s making the choices that feel right for her and her children.

Depending on how her sons needs progress it’s likely she will have more scope to work in a few years. I don’t blame her for not at the minute, having a young child with autism is likely to be difficult to manage around nursery and starting school. Hopefully he settle well into a school that meets his needs next year.

I think if you have a child on DLA the rules are different? Not 100% but think you’re exempt then

@peachicecream
Well there are actually 2 questions, aren't there?
The OP's original AIBU, as in title - to expect her daughter to get a job. Now, with a SN child. The answer is clear YABU.

But the broader context, and what OP seems to really be on about is her daughter's past. Having children with two wasters. And future. A lot of poster are assuming she might get a job, blah later on when the OP has clearly stated, in her updates that the daughter is not interested in any of that. She only wants to get a part-time job in a shop.

Many women have no ambitions beyond being a mother. It seems that OP's daughter is one of those. It would have worked out great had she chosen a decent man.

But then again she doesn't have to worry about money. Professional parents, still working, only child. OP may not be able to provide childcare but can certainly subsidise her daughter's lack of income.

@Zanatdy yes they are but we are talking about the period before the OP’s daughter had her son. ie daughter is 9 and son is 4 so there was a 5 year gap between them and OP states she hasn’t worked this whole time. There’s no mention of SEN for the 9 year old.

You just "suggest things she would be good at" and still seriously think she doesn't know your real attitude. I am sure she is getting the hint.

She is doing something she us good at: bringing up her children.

She has different values to you. You value professional careers and financial gain. She values her children's well being.

There is plenty of time for her to retrain and pursue a career when her children are older, but if and only if that is what she wants to do.

Be proud of her. Her children were not planned but she has stepped up and recognised their needs.

There you go then. She wants to be the mother that you weren't as you prioritised your career and financial gain over spending time with your DD.

Not a criticism, just a fact.

I wouldn't say that she's refusing to go out to work, more that it would be next to impossible for her to work the moment! Besides, it seem like she already has her hands full. I'm a single parent of 2 myself, but my DC are NT - even then it is often hard to juggle everything, so it must be so much more difficult for her. It sounds like she is using this time wisely by being there for her DC and helping her DS with things like speech etc - what an amazing woman.

I know you had your hopes for her - I think all parents do - but if she is happy, then let her be, and celebrate all the wonderful things she has done so far. Also....whilst she may not be able to go OUT to do paid work, why not offer her support (if she wishes it) in getting some courses done or something like that? Then maybe when her DC are older, she might be in a better position to (if she wants to) find a job that might have better renumeration, or one that means she could work from home or have flexible hours.

She just tells me she would be happy with a part time job in a shop once her son is a little older. That she is low maintenance and doesn't want for much. (This is true, she has always been this way).

Good for her. So many people spend their whole lives striving and wanting in a way that can never be satisfied but at 30 she is content with enough of what she needs, that demonstrates and admirable level of maturity and wisdom. Be proud you have raised a daughter who is confident enough to march to the beat of her own drum.

Your DD sounds amazing op, not only coping well with the circumstances she was left with after being very badly let down by 2 people she presumably loved and trusted but happy with that. She could be eaten up with discontent and resentment but she's not she's giving the two most important people in her life an amazing stable loving home.

I bet she does know how you feel, those questions like 'why don't you get a qualification and do something else' asked again despite the answer, give it away.
You've never said to her (judging by your posts) the above question added with '... If you'd like to do that and need help - that lets face it isn't easily available - I'll help with (the greatest thing standing in her way of that) the children'

Despite the fact as you said, you and your DH are both professionals, no other children, so presumably could afford to step back if you choose to do so... But you are as completely and firmly wedded to your personal priorities to the exclusion of any other consideration as she is! Because you won't give that up even though you really would like to see her make another choice. She isn't asking you to, but even if she was, the answer would be no wouldn't it, so your work comes before her, every time, no matter what.

The upbringing she had, lacked in important respects in her experience and she is determined (very driven and committed 💪) not to do that to the two people she has created... A commendable attitude. She is committed to her priorities and that commitment is in part so strong because of the experiences she had that you gave her. She told you she isn't repeating that and putting her children what she went through.
(Her upbringing might have been fine for some children but it wasn't fine for her).

So actually though you are riddled with disappointment in her, and sad to see her wasted potential as you see it, you wouldn't actually bend your life out of shape to make any alternative possible, even though you'd really like to see that happen.

I think you are more bothered about your own social status when these other high flyers are talked about, and anyway, whatever you are bothered about, your career is still the most important thing, so I think you need to let it go, truly, deeply and genuinely find a way to stop thinking 'she's doing a great job but...'

The hard part to getting there is that you deem a high flying career as the pinnacle of a life will lived, so reconciling that with recognising the real worth of other kinds of life is going to be tough for you.

So many children are created and then considered 'in the way' of their parents other wishes for life... Or neglected because parents aren't coping or... The list goes on... How fantastic your DD's children are so beautifully cared for. I hope you give her all the practical support you can to give her a break sometimes.

Nothing for you to be embarrassed about as her mum, OP. I can demonstrate even if you go to uni from a young age, get a great job, then meet a guy, get married , start a family, end up with children who have additional needs and have been a SAHM due to all the issues going on in the family. I did it all the "right way" but ended up having a difficult family life and I don't work 🤷 every day can be incredibly stressful.

You should in fact be proud of your daughter for successfully navigating her way through life so far under her own set of difficult circumstances.

Being in a career isn't for everyone, and if it is for your daughter she will decide when the time is right.

You think that putting the needs of her children first is embarrassing. Grandmother of the year 🏅

I understand OP.

I'd be a little sad and disappointed if my dd had children with 2 wasters. Probably because it makes life hard and takes away a woman's options.

That said, you do have 2 lovely grandchild your DD seems to be a wonderful mum.

Icedlatteplease
What utter nonsense. I worked full time for many years. I have two dc with asd. They both had a specialist education accessed via tribunal. They had speech therapy and ot. They have had much more than many others. My ability to advocate for them was enhanced by my education. I came across your outdated attitude of course namely that mum's of disabled children should be at home. If I had followed your advice I would have no pension, no career and be facing more poverty when my children had grown up.

Or, from another perspective she's never had to go without, thanks to her 'professional parents' hard work. And has now gone to the other extreme.

Despite the rhetoric on here, the majority of high earners aren't blowing it all on loads of meals out, luxury holidays and handbags. It was possible for OP's generation to have it all. But these days you need a good wage for the basics like a house.

Ironically, as we are both SN ourselves we are doubly aware of how important money will be for our children. As a PP said professional therapy makes a massive difference.

When DH was diagnosed as a child he received a lot of facetime with medical professionals, nurture groups, a lot of help. Exam dispensations, SN tutoring etc all freely given.

These days, waiting lists are so long it takes years to get diagnosed unless you are extremely lucky. Not only that it's only the start of a long uphill battle for isolated scraps of help here and there.

You only know the value of money when you need it.

OP's daughter will be fine, as I said she has wealthy parents but the laissez faure principle of financial stability being a 'choice' irks me. Most people on Mumsnet have either never been poor or lucky enough to have never needed the money.

Actually the rules are you need to start looking for work once the child is 3.

I am assuming your husband goes out to work to support his family?
You situation is not really comparable to a 21 year old getting pregnant with the first loser she meets.
Doing it 'the right way' has given you extra security and the income you received from your great job will have laid the foundations for a better life for your family.

But some parents do need a rest from being bitten.👀

EXACTLY.
Disability is expensive.
Interventions are getting harder to access day by day.
Also there are so many threads on here from long -term SAHM, who even after a divorce (hence having some assets) have been out of the workforce so long they cannot support themselves. And money goes quickly.

Humans live a long time. The way the UK is going nobody should be counting on 'the state' to support them adequately until old age. Especially as our tax base has shrunk plus politicians don't care.

That’s why my previous post enquired as to whether the daughter worked in the intervening years between children. If ‘no’, that ‘ethic’ (or lack thereof) might be what is influencing the OP now.

An OP who won’t be back I suspect, because she’s been accused of being awful, which I don’t see in her posts. I see concern and love for her daughter and wanting her to have more from life, and knowing employment and opportunity is what will make that happen. Not benefits.

You are not being unreasonable OP. This is not a life most parents would want for their children. Most have higher aspirations.

Yes but my point was even with all the best supports in the world, you can still end with children who have additional needs. It can happen to anyone, even those who had a career first before family came along.

Are you joking

Exactly!
Many PP are missing the point. It's her work ethic she is concerned about.

Not many parents of children with severe ASD manage to work. Looking and caring for a child like that is a full time job on its own. You are completely out of order to criticise her for 'not working'. She does. Just the pay is shit and she has not change of changing roles or a promotion.

OP,

I think your post shows how much you do love your DD and GC. Your DD is making the best of a bad situation and she sounds wonderful. But I get your unhappiness. Your DD must have had dreams of her own and they’re all on hold or not going to happen because she is sacrificing herself for her DC. I too am uneasy that your DD feels she has no other option but to go down the path of not working and then a PT NMW job as her future.

She may be holding it all together, but is she happy? I don’t think encouraging her to “get a job” is the right way to go about it. Your post is full of the GC and how your DD is a great mother. But where is DD the person, the woman with dreams and feelings of her own? Is your unhappiness because you’re picking up on your DD putting on a brave face?

Id suggest you have brutally honest conversation with her. Yes she may not be able to work now, but perhaps there are online qualifications or online degree courses she could look into starting PT so that when the DC are such that she can work, it’s not a PT NMW job at the Co-op on her future- it might be an entry level PT job in a career field she is passionate about.