Single mother DD, refusing to get a job.

[LiloAndS]

Hello everyone.
My DD is 30 and a mum of two (9yo girl and 4yo boy). My DD fell pregnant with her eldest young, accidently and with her first, long term boyfriend. Unfortunately, he did not step up to the plate and left DD when she was halfway through her pregnancy and has had nothing to do with my granddaughter for her whole life. DD lived with us until granddaughter was around 2, then moved in to her own flat. Shortly after, she met a new guy who seemed lovely, but fell pregnant pretty much straight away. I will say, this was definitely unplanned and a very upsetting time for my daughter. She considered abortion multiple times, to the point where she had a consultation booked twice and had me drive her, but ultimately could not go through with it. New guy turned out to be not so lovely, and also wanted nothing to do with his child. DD was depressed for her whole pregnancy and struggled to bond with the baby inside her. Thankfully, she fell in love as soon as he was born. I want to add, my daughter is a fantastic mother, her whole life revolves around the children, they are happy, clean, well cared for, etc, etc. But the reality is, she has been on benefits all this time. Fast forward to now and her youngest has just been diagnosed with autism. He is only just learning to speak and has some challenging behaviour, I'll admit that. DD has been awarded DLA and carer's money for him. She told me today, work is not on her mind at the moment as her little boy needs her, and she has decided to dedicate the next few years to helping him develop. I just feel so sad for her. She could be going to college, getting a part time job and meeting people. I worry about her future. She has no partner to help or support her. I'm also ashamed to admit, I feel a bit embarrassed when my friend's talk of their high flying children. How can I encourage my DD to want more for herself? She is smart, beautiful, has so much potential in this life. Thanks.

You know I'm so torn on this one.

I was 17 when I had my first DS. I became a single mum after 2 years. I was still studying but found a full time job when DS was 1. I felt like I was doing the absolute right thing by societies standards, to prove that I wasn't a typical 'teenage pregnancy' and the right thing by my DS but in actual fact I regret it so much.

I wracked up debt with my landlord because I couldn't afford to pay the rent and the benefits I was on didn't support us enough. I became so unwell both physically and mentally through stress. And I missed out on so much with my DS. The childminder would tell me about all these amazing things he was doing or a new word he said and I'd feel awful. Mum guilt at its finest.

If I could go back I wouldn't have gone to work until he was old enough to go to school.

But also, I managed to find a better paid job, and used my transferable skills that I learned from working to work my way up the ladder. I was earning good money and made some amazing memories with my DS, taking him on lovely holidays and days out frequently. It was just us two for so long and whilst I missed out on so much, I made up for it in so many ways too. I was then able to buy my own house for us, which was my dream.

Looking back it was the hardest thing I've ever done because our gov does NOT make it easy for women to afford and juggle childcare or get back into work. It takes an absolute enormous amount of determination and sacrifice and a little bit of pot luck too.

So I understand from both POV. That being said, I don't have a child with autism and so can only imagine that makes life much more challenging.

I also know plenty of 30+ women who don't work and imo wouldn't be getting parent of the year award so the fact she's putting her children first and is a great mum despite her set backs is something to be proud of OP x

I understand your viewpoint OP and think that you are getting a hard time on here. I too would be disappointed with your daughter’s choices as I have been brought up to work all my life and support myself, even after having two children.

I’m glad you think so, it’s very apt. And yes, the joys of actual experience over hardwired opinions from a gilded life would hopefully give you some actual insight, but it seems not. Oh well. It change’s nothing, you can ‘stay mad’ like the kids say. People like the ops daughter, myself, and many other Mumsnetters who are carers on benefits reading this will carry on doing what we do.

Of course you will.
I will continue to do what I am doing, as will many other mothers that work to support their family.

Not if we look at the figures long term, not yearly but lifespan.
Its also more economical if caring is not one to one.
More employment for qualified carers ( think I’ve already mentioned that one before though ).

We have friends who worked and had severely autistic children.
One friend, single mum with three children, one son with severe autism went to a special school ( she moved from London to near Basingstoke to be near the school ), she worked and her children went to school.

OPs son is not at school yet so hopefully she’ll think differently when he does.

This country can’t even fill the quota now for the need of qualified carers, it’s not a job anyone wants to do. And good for your friend, honestly. I mean mostly because her son got into SEN school. My own child is cognitively 2 years old and in mainstream. He couldn’t get a place at SEN school as they’re filled to the brim. So he’ll continue on his part time timetable until one of these hens teeth place’s becomes available. My other child who is not globally delayed will have no chance at SEN school, yet his attendance is reflecting his difficulties. And his school sending him home at any given opportunity of course. But perhaps the ops daughter will have different opportunities for her child, I do truly hope so. Who knows what the future will hold and what works best for her individual situation.

She booked a termination twice and struggled to bond with the baby when she was pregnant. That doesn’t say to me “big plan to get out of going to work.” at all, because if she wanted to get out of working by having another baby then why think about then terminating? It makes no sense.

I think the second pregnancy was an actual genuine unplanned pregnancy, and the timings of everything were a pure coincidence.

To be honest, as the working parent of an autistic child (I have a great deal of family support and a great husband) I wish I didn’t have to work.

there would be big benefits for my family if I was a stay at home parent, unfortunately it’s not affordable for us as a family.

@Gerrataere I'm sorry for your situation. It must be incredibly hard. I do have the utmost respect for parents like yourself ❤️

Already on benefits but with a child under school age at that point. Exempt from working to look after a small pre school aged child. Oh big deal. Not like she had a 10 year old and loads of free time, is it?

Don’t see why it matters that she was living in a flat.

Hmm so young women (under 25) can do something absolutely AWFUL and people on here bang on about their not-fully-developed brains but when they get pregnant, become (very good, by all accounts) mothers and claim benefits, they get absolutely flamed. Got it.

You're telling her she's capable and suggesting other things she doing consider doing.

Which from your Daughter's point of view may read as "You should be doing better than you are. You aren't good enough by most expectations". Careful you don't make her feel absolutely shit about herself and worthless. My parents did EXACTLY the same with me at that age and it's trashed my self worth.

You had big dreams for her and can't understand it? Surely you dreamed of having a caring wonderful Daughter along with 2 Grandchildren who were happy, settled and secure? You got that. Anything else would just be a bonus. What would you rather have? A Daughter who's a surgeon and works long stressful shifts, never sees her children and when she's not at work she's too knackered to do anything with them? A Daughter who's a high flying finance executive with chronic anxiety who snorts coke with her colleagues to get her through the day? Daughter who's married to someone just for financial security but secretly hates him and lies awake wishing she could leave but can't afford to because she's too used to the finer things in life?

You feel embarrassed when you're out with your friends and don't feel you can boast about your mediocre Daughter? Have a word with yourself - the grass isn't always greener.

Gladly your Daughter sounds confident, strong, and dances to her own tune. I very much admire her.

I'm in a similar situation to your DD in that I'm a single parent raising a special needs child (now nearly 19) and supporting myself financially with benefits, and have done so since she was 2 years old.
For reasons I won't go into I never worked even before having kids and because I did well at school (GCSEs and A-levels) my parents had high hopes for me and wanted me to go university or have a career. I prioritised my daughter's needs as it was more practical for me to be at home with her even once she reached school age - her Dad worked shifts and my Mum was still working full time so I had very limited support and my worry was that neither of them would be available on the one day that I would need someone there, especially if something unexpected happened. I also wanted to be available for appointments and meetings.
As such, I often felt like an underachiever next to my brother and other people such as my old school and college friends who have been successful and my Dad often gave me a hard time over it e.g. he would say to people "X has done nothing, all they do is sit around". Thankfully that has got better over time and my parents both realise DD18 is a full-time job and what I do for both her and DD9 is just as worthy, if not more, than a Masters degree or a high flying job and I hope you will recognise that with your DD.

@funinthesun19 exempt? Behave.

Yanbu. I'd be disappointed if that was my child

@Gerrataere @SoupDragon
You missed the part where she said she never wants a proper job - just part time in a shop. THAT is key.
Someone who wants to work and contribute will say 'lets see how it goes'.
Before you bang on about autism. Autism and ADHD here. Married to an autistic man. Too early to tell with our sprogs but hey.

Autistic kids can improve loads, they could stagnate, but If you already decide you don't want to work then the answer is clear :)

Also full time in a shop would be a proper job! Just saying

The OP hasn't given any indication that the child is "severely" autistic at all, in fact just the opposite.

This whole story just sums up everything that is wrong with society and in particular the benefits culture today, rewarding the feckless and irresponsible for breeding.

"Its also more economical if caring is not one to one."

The reason childcare isn't suitable for some children with disabilities is because they need 1:1, 2:1 etc. My own child has to have 3:1 when with paid carers.

Yes, exempt. That is the rule whether you like it or not. You are not legally required to look for work as a single parent with a child under school age. I think since UC was introduced they changed it to 3 years old, but it the days of tax credits (which is probably what OP's daughter started off on) it was 5 years old.

Fast forward to now and her youngest has just been diagnosed with autism. He is only just learning to speak and has some challenging behaviour, I'll admit that. DD has been awarded DLA and carer's money for him.

Quoted from the opening post. The boy is 4, is pre verbal and presents with challenging behaviour, already diagnosed with ASD - which I can absolutely assure you is an extremely difficult process before a child is 5 unless they are presenting with indisputable traits that include Global Developmental Delays. He is also either on middle or higher rate DLA, again very difficult to acquire at this age unless you can prove to the DWP a high level of care above and beyond a child of his age.

But again, not sure why I’m wasting energy explaining this to people like yourself who really are not looking to be told you don’t know what you’re talking about and simply want to have a go at anyone not living like you. I suggest if you’re happy with how you chose to live your life, someone else’s circumstances are none of your business.

How awful some of the ignorance on here.
Prior to having my child in my 30's I worked in media , back to back 16 hour days. I was certainly not work shy.
Now I am a lone mother on benefits as a carer to both my autistic daughter and my mother with Alzheimers. I had all the dreams and aspirations but life threw me on a different path. Nothing I regret. Caring for my mum and daughter is deeply purposeful.
Do not think living on benefits is easy. Worrying about putting food on the table and holidays just a dream. It's not easy. Please stop the benefit bashing because unless you have lived this life you haven't a clue!

Your experience and life is not the same as OPs DD.
She hasn’t worked in the past and seems to have found a frugal way to cope on benefits.
Obviously we haven’t heard from DD but by the sound of it she seems to OK living on benefits at the moment.

I think many people on here would actually lose their shit completely if they found themselves having to become carers and live on benefits. They just wouldn't cope.

Don’t be silly. They’ve worked their whole life so apparently will have earned the social break that is caring and all the squillions of free money and stuff that comes with it. They’d definitely not have some sort of breakdown and realise it probably hardest, often soul destroying thing they’d ever have to do. They’d be fine with losing all their social freedoms and watch anll their friends disappear, and they definitely wouldn’t be judged because they worked up until that point. Don’t you see the difference? People who worked before they found themselves in our position are completely different from those silly women who using having babies to sit in a flat, the cheek of it.

People who worked at all before becoming carers get special badges to avoid all this shit, I’m still waiting for mine but I’m sure it will arrive at some point…