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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Single mother DD, refusing to get a job.

349 replies

LiloAndS · 03/07/2023 00:41

Hello everyone.
My DD is 30 and a mum of two (9yo girl and 4yo boy). My DD fell pregnant with her eldest young, accidently and with her first, long term boyfriend. Unfortunately, he did not step up to the plate and left DD when she was halfway through her pregnancy and has had nothing to do with my granddaughter for her whole life. DD lived with us until granddaughter was around 2, then moved in to her own flat. Shortly after, she met a new guy who seemed lovely, but fell pregnant pretty much straight away. I will say, this was definitely unplanned and a very upsetting time for my daughter. She considered abortion multiple times, to the point where she had a consultation booked twice and had me drive her, but ultimately could not go through with it. New guy turned out to be not so lovely, and also wanted nothing to do with his child. DD was depressed for her whole pregnancy and struggled to bond with the baby inside her. Thankfully, she fell in love as soon as he was born. I want to add, my daughter is a fantastic mother, her whole life revolves around the children, they are happy, clean, well cared for, etc, etc. But the reality is, she has been on benefits all this time. Fast forward to now and her youngest has just been diagnosed with autism. He is only just learning to speak and has some challenging behaviour, I'll admit that. DD has been awarded DLA and carer's money for him. She told me today, work is not on her mind at the moment as her little boy needs her, and she has decided to dedicate the next few years to helping him develop. I just feel so sad for her. She could be going to college, getting a part time job and meeting people. I worry about her future. She has no partner to help or support her. I'm also ashamed to admit, I feel a bit embarrassed when my friend's talk of their high flying children. How can I encourage my DD to want more for herself? She is smart, beautiful, has so much potential in this life. Thanks.

OP posts:
MykonosMaiden · 03/07/2023 07:27

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/07/2023 07:25

OP,

I think your post shows how much you do love your DD and GC. Your DD is making the best of a bad situation and she sounds wonderful. But I get your unhappiness. Your DD must have had dreams of her own and they’re all on hold or not going to happen because she is sacrificing herself for her DC. I too am uneasy that your DD feels she has no other option but to go down the path of not working and then a PT NMW job as her future.

She may be holding it all together, but is she happy? I don’t think encouraging her to “get a job” is the right way to go about it. Your post is full of the GC and how your DD is a great mother. But where is DD the person, the woman with dreams and feelings of her own? Is your unhappiness because you’re picking up on your DD putting on a brave face?

Id suggest you have brutally honest conversation with her. Yes she may not be able to work now, but perhaps there are online qualifications or online degree courses she could look into starting PT so that when the DC are such that she can work, it’s not a PT NMW job at the Co-op on her future- it might be an entry level PT job in a career field she is passionate about.

OP also keeps mentioning that her daughter is smart, and beautiful. Emphasis on 'so gorgeous she could be a model'.
No idea why.
Are her high achieving friends ' children total uggos?

OnlyTheMoonWasWatching · 03/07/2023 07:28

Your DD has a long road ahead of her OP.

As the single parent of an autistic child, she is going to have to fight alone to get her DS a suitable education in a setting that he can cope in.

It’s a huge battle, alongside the usual demands of parenting, plus the extra support that her DS needs and the juggling that she she will have to do with her other child.

For goodness sake, step up and educate yourself and support her to help keep her head above water, and support your grandchildren.

I feel so sad for her that you are minimising what she is going through.

It’s a hard and lonely process to even get an asd diagnosis and the fact her DS has it already tells you something about his needs.

The DLA form alone feels like a dissertation. A heartbreaking one.

The fact that you have posted about her “refusing” to work instead of posting about how to help, tells me something about you. I hope she has other support in her life.

Bubblyb00b · 03/07/2023 07:29

Dear OP, I understand you very well - we all want the best for our kids, nice family, good fortune, happiness. But sometime life is not going as planned! I bet your daughter did not set up deliberately being a single mum on benefits, and its not something anyone would want for their daughter. But this is where she is now, and there is no point of wasting time thinking of what could have been. Instead, think of the positive! You have two lovely grandkids, and a lovely, responsible and caring daughter. She is doing well. I can imagine how hard it is, especially with one kid having SN... I would say - you cant change the situation, support her, be there for her. She is still young, and hopefully will be able to do something with herself in the future once the kids are older. Big hug. x

Vettrianofan · 03/07/2023 07:30

You could offer practical support to your DD. I am sure she would appreciate that.

waterrat · 03/07/2023 07:30

You know what OP - children with extra needs are a job in themselves - the job of nurturing/ caring/ fighting their corner. If your grandkids are turning out happy and thriving despite not having dads - your daughter is doing that by being with them.

I do understand why you might want her studying or similar - being realistic though - who would do the childcare for her non verbal autistic child?

Could you afford to find specialist babysitting for her so she could look for a little bit of work to get her out and about?

Life is essentially meaningless, there is no 'path' we are meant to take - if she is bringing up two well behaved and loved children she is doing more good than many so called high fliers.

Whendoesmydietstart · 03/07/2023 07:31

I don't think you are unreasonable op. Everyone should be funding their own lives, even if in just a small way, and I would be concerned that she has made herself vulnerabl because she has to rely on others to live.

Swrigh1234 · 03/07/2023 07:32

I think posters’ attitude here is the problem. Not OP’s. OP has said nothing unreasonable. But MN is very defensive of anyone on benefits. You could be a mass murderer but if you are on benefits than you are the salt of the earth. It’s as if being supported by the taxpayer makes someone virtuous and no one is allowed to say or feel anything about benefits claimants and those who do not work.

OP has put across a heartfelt, balanced view of her feelings. Yet she has been accused of all sorts.

waterrat · 03/07/2023 07:33

Op - it's interesting you say you were not able to be 'present' for her as a child because of work - and now you can't be present for her and your grandchildren either because you are busy in your professional job.

Have you thought of dropping days at work - presumably you have worked a long life now. Will you regret one day not stepping in so you can be a little more present now than you were when she was a little girl?

It would be very rewarding to get to know your grandchildren a day a week and really give your daughter a break -

TheGreenSketch · 03/07/2023 07:34

I guess I’d be disappointed too if my daughter got pregnant twice with useless men who immediately went missing in action. I’d be sad that she’s so vulnerable and reliant on benefits to live.

OnlyTheMoonWasWatching · 03/07/2023 07:34

Also, if her DS has at least middle rate mobility then your DD is receiving carers allowance.

It’s an absolute pittance at around £70 a week, but your DD is receiving it because she is a full time carer. You are dismissing this though and feeling “disappointed”‘in her.

Sceptre86 · 03/07/2023 07:34

It must be hard as a parent to watch your child not live up to their potential. I don't think that's the case here though. Her life has taken a different path to yours and that is fine. She isn't choosing not to work forever but to focus on her son for now, again also OK. Is it wrong to wish for her to aspire for more than a life as a sahp of course but I don't see how you could ever voice it without causing her upset. At this point I'd encourage her to do some online study or courses, as a single patent to two kids and out of the work place that could lead her to find some of her own interests and lead to a better job to provide for her family.

Chocolateship · 03/07/2023 07:35

It sounds like she is working hard and doing the best she can for her children which is definitely to be applauded and must be hard. That said being brutally honest I can see where you're coming from, I don't know many parents who would dream of that life for their child. The more pertinent question is whether she's happy, that's most important, if she's happy with wetherspoons etc I don't see the issue really; if you're having to count pennies to pay the bills even if someone else is footing the bill it can be hard to accept.

gamerchick · 03/07/2023 07:36

You're joking right? Hmm

how about you offer full time childcare if you want her to work.

SoupDragon · 03/07/2023 07:38

He's a lovely child though and making steady progress. My daughter has put her all in to him. He is now speaking and can tell us what he wants, if he is hurt, etc etc. He sings nursery rhymes to us. Unimaginable a year ago.

She is working then!

happyfoot · 03/07/2023 07:39

Chocolateship · 03/07/2023 07:35

It sounds like she is working hard and doing the best she can for her children which is definitely to be applauded and must be hard. That said being brutally honest I can see where you're coming from, I don't know many parents who would dream of that life for their child. The more pertinent question is whether she's happy, that's most important, if she's happy with wetherspoons etc I don't see the issue really; if you're having to count pennies to pay the bills even if someone else is footing the bill it can be hard to accept.

I agree with this. I admire your daughter and the fact she's making the best of what she has and is clearly a dedicated parent. I think people have been quite harsh though- if people were honest, I dont think anyone would dream of a life on benefits as a single parent for their kids no matter what they are claiming in this thread. Sorry, I just dont believe that.

I do think there is an element of comparison which isnt helpful though- we all follow different life paths and sometimes things happen that we dont choose for or plan for. Is she happy?- that would be my main concern regarding her next plans, and NOT comparing her to other people's kids as some kind of success yardstick. If she is happy with the status quo then you need to drop it, if she isnt then thats something you can work with her to formulate a plan going forward and support her in that.

ArcticSkewer · 03/07/2023 07:41

It wouldn't be the life I would choose for my daughter either, and I'd wonder where on earth I had gone wrong for things to end up this way. It's life though - things take unexpected turns. And our adult children make their own life choices.

I'd try the thought experiment that whatever you have been doing so far has led to this outcome so try doing something different. Have you asked her how you could best help her? What would she like from you?

Also consider whether your daughter could also be on the spectrum - it's often genetic. Symptoms for girls/women might not be what you would expect. You could read up and see if it matched. How about you?

DaisyWaldron · 03/07/2023 07:41

I'm really glad that I don't know some of the posters here in real life. I have a part time job in a shop and I love it. The majority of the people I work with are in a similar position to the OP's daughter, choosing a job that fits around their caring responsibilities, or around their own disabilities. And I've had a variety of jobs in my time, but there's something really special about going into work every day and getting paid to make people happy and spend that time with a bunch of people with a variety of interesting backgrounds who all also like making people happy all day, and who have prioritised caring for other people, both in their personal and work lives, over money.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 03/07/2023 07:42

Your values about what makes a good human are skewed.

DD1 works in a dementia home during the university holidays. The other staff are vile to the patients, just vile. She is the most fastidious person I know and cannot abide dirt/smells/mess, yet she tends to her service users with kindness, patience and no sign of revulsion, even when their behaviour becomes verbally/sexually/physically abusive. The old people love her. This makes me far far prouder than any of her academic achievements. If she decided to ditch her career/further studies and work there, I'd not argue and would support her.

DD2 is a cleaner during her university holidays. She comes home and tells me that the boss is amazed at how much she cleans and to such a good standard. To me, this is way more important than her academic achievements too.

If you're that bothered about academic success, put your money where your mouth is and start saving for your grandkids' college fund. In the meantime, be proud of your daughter. She sounds amazing and more importantly, has high principles that she sticks to. Not many people can say that about their own children.

thecatsthecats · 03/07/2023 07:45

The smartest thing to do is be happy with a simple life.

Your daughter is a lot smarter than you.

Brieandcamembert · 03/07/2023 07:50

Your dd has found a life that she enjoys. She has two children who she clearly loves and is devoted to.

wouldn't we all if someone else was funding is to stay at home with our children instead of working. It shouldn't be a lifestyle choice. As soon as little one is school age there should be no choice but to get a job.

She's made very poor life choices having children with men she wasn't in a long term relationship with and now wants tax payer funding to keep her lifestyle. I understand the disappointment.

PomTiddlyPomPom · 03/07/2023 07:50

thecatsthecats · 03/07/2023 07:45

The smartest thing to do is be happy with a simple life.

Your daughter is a lot smarter than you.

I would be very happy with a simple life if someone else was paying for it....sadly I don't qualify for benefits so I have to work 🤷‍♀️

iolaus · 03/07/2023 07:51

Just to point out to some previous posters that while the rule now may be that once your child turns 3 you need to be looking for work if claiming benefits purely as a single parent (unless other things apply) it did used to be older,

I know my eldest's friend's mother was a single mum and every time it got to the point where she would need to start looking for work (the rules changed from 7 to 5 and her kids were 7 years apart, then 7 years, then rules changed and the next was 5 years (oldest kids now in their 20s) - each 'father' was a one night stand so it was hard to to think it wasnt deliberate

MykonosMaiden · 03/07/2023 07:53

DaisyWaldron · 03/07/2023 07:41

I'm really glad that I don't know some of the posters here in real life. I have a part time job in a shop and I love it. The majority of the people I work with are in a similar position to the OP's daughter, choosing a job that fits around their caring responsibilities, or around their own disabilities. And I've had a variety of jobs in my time, but there's something really special about going into work every day and getting paid to make people happy and spend that time with a bunch of people with a variety of interesting backgrounds who all also like making people happy all day, and who have prioritised caring for other people, both in their personal and work lives, over money.

WOW! Where is this magical shop, where staff are paid to 'make people happy'? I want to visit. The concept of service has virtually disappeared thanks to COVID.

Curlyhairedassasin · 03/07/2023 07:53

Just to point out to some previous posters that while the rule now may be that once your child turns 3 you need to be looking for work if claiming benefits purely as a single parent (unless other things apply) it did used to be older

the child is on DLA and the mum is getting carers allowance. you do not have to work as you need to provide a minimum of 35h care per week to receive CA.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 03/07/2023 07:54

I bet even if DD had a job, any job , OP would still be embarrassed and disappointed. She compares her to high flying children of friends, not just employed people. She also doesn't think much of getting a part time job in a shop. No matter what she did the target would always be that little bit higher.