Single mother DD, refusing to get a job.

[LiloAndS]

Hello everyone.
My DD is 30 and a mum of two (9yo girl and 4yo boy). My DD fell pregnant with her eldest young, accidently and with her first, long term boyfriend. Unfortunately, he did not step up to the plate and left DD when she was halfway through her pregnancy and has had nothing to do with my granddaughter for her whole life. DD lived with us until granddaughter was around 2, then moved in to her own flat. Shortly after, she met a new guy who seemed lovely, but fell pregnant pretty much straight away. I will say, this was definitely unplanned and a very upsetting time for my daughter. She considered abortion multiple times, to the point where she had a consultation booked twice and had me drive her, but ultimately could not go through with it. New guy turned out to be not so lovely, and also wanted nothing to do with his child. DD was depressed for her whole pregnancy and struggled to bond with the baby inside her. Thankfully, she fell in love as soon as he was born. I want to add, my daughter is a fantastic mother, her whole life revolves around the children, they are happy, clean, well cared for, etc, etc. But the reality is, she has been on benefits all this time. Fast forward to now and her youngest has just been diagnosed with autism. He is only just learning to speak and has some challenging behaviour, I'll admit that. DD has been awarded DLA and carer's money for him. She told me today, work is not on her mind at the moment as her little boy needs her, and she has decided to dedicate the next few years to helping him develop. I just feel so sad for her. She could be going to college, getting a part time job and meeting people. I worry about her future. She has no partner to help or support her. I'm also ashamed to admit, I feel a bit embarrassed when my friend's talk of their high flying children. How can I encourage my DD to want more for herself? She is smart, beautiful, has so much potential in this life. Thanks.

She has two kids, her daughter (OP's granddaughter) is nine and son four.

Concentrate on what she has done rather than what she hasn’t.

WOW, I just realised this, changed everything.
We're always hearing on here about how benefits are a pittance and not enough, but this young woman has managed to have her own flat? Perhaps being subsidised by the OP helps?

No matter how good a mother someone is I don't think highly of them if their entire life is paid for by someone else, in this case the taxpayer. Yes, she now has a son with special needs , but to never have worked before having him? Instead she went and got pregnant again.

Despite everyone here being very 'supportive' there is the very real danger of how she's going to support herself when her children are adults. Also, is a PT shop job going to be enough when her children are teenagers and want more?

Especially for an autistic child, they are all different of course but being able to indulge in their special interests make a world of difference. My autistic DP would've ended up unemployed and on benefits his whole life, instead of the high earner he is now if his parents hadn't been able to afford his pursuit of what he was extremely good at .

Unless she's comfy because grandma and grandpa are going to happily fund everyone OP's daughter's 'lack of materialism' is short term thinking. Financial support is a big part of raising a child. They don't just survive on 'love' and thin air.

The combined age of both kids means she hasn't worked as OP says she's been on benefits all this time

, my granddaughter is the most confident little thing, and so secure and well adjusted considering she has never had a father.

eh?

I'd be interested to know which benefits she's been on which have meant she didn't have to work while her dd was little. This thread seems to have it all really!

Anyway, YABU of course.

Everyone is ignoring the fact that the DD didn’t work even before her son came along. So presumably for 5 years yes she had a daughter but she didn’t work that whole time. I do find that frustrating, that some people are essentially paid by the state for the choice to stay at home with their children. I would have liked to do that with mine but I had to go back to work to pay the bills. Maybe it’s because childcare is too expensive etc etc but I do not agree with staying at home with kids as a state funded lifestyle choice. I’m not benefits bashing, in many cases there are legitimate reasons why people cannot work, but not working for 9 years should be a last case resort and not an active choice because it’s what “makes you happy”. The rest of us have to work to fund such lifestyle choices of other people.

It’s all rather a moot point now she has her DS though, it sounds like although he goes to nursery it would be hard for her to work much currently. It’s good that she does want to work in future though.

Otherwise OP just be supportive and encourage her to work in future if she can, not because she needs to earn your respect but because it’s the right thing to do. Forget about high flying careers etc that’s all nonsense. But I don’t blame the OP for wanting their DD to have a good work ethic.

She does work though! She is a carer. It’s so difficult to get any kind of help with dla and carers allowance that she definitely does work! She works caring for over 35 hours a week to a special needs child. I would be boasting to all my friends about that if I was you. She sounds lovely. And so do you, just don’t compare to others children when I bet your daughter works the hardest.

This is so beautiful it actually made me a bit teary (possibly slightly envious too). Your mother sounds lovely @BreviloquentBastard .

Who would look after her children if she worked ? You said you can’t help, the cost of childcare may mean it isnt worth it

Those saying that the DD might 'be a success one day'. Is success really all about career and financial capacity? How sad. I could be the most successful person financially and in my career and I wouldn't consider that success. Success is being happy and living a fulfilling life, with relationships, exploration and experiences, for me anyway. Maybe for some people that's not success, but let's not limit it to career aspirations.

She sounds like an amazing person who is devoted to and driven by the needs of her children rather than devoted to and driven by the needs of a high-flying career.

I’d have a long, hard think about why you value careers over children.

I'm not sure I follow? Her daughter's nine and her son four, how does their combined age affect it? The pp I responded to said "hasn't worked for nine years but her son's four," leaving her daughter out of the equation.

Wow... I don't think you get it ... if she is getting DLA and Carers for him, then he needs full time care.

She can't work and receive that carers allowance, shes doing 35 hours (min!) care for him.

When, exactly, do you expect her to work and who then will take care of her youngest child, given its clear it won't be you?

I wouldn't be happy if my daughter had two children with useless men (getting pregnant quickly after meeting each one, no time to get to know how useless they are).
I am not a professional woman like OP but I have worked through two pregnancies with minimal maternity leave to provide for my children. If my daughter lived her life on benefits then I wouldn't be 'proud' of that and I probably would find it difficult to talk to my friends about it.
OP's daughter sounds like she has always been work shy and the kids gave her an excuse not to bother.

I don't know many mums with an autistic child who managed to work through it, even less where the mum is a single parent

I worked part-time while my ND child was small but had to resign after 18 months - their needs were too great. I went back when they were school-age and as a single parent, it is very, very hard, so I don't judge your DD in the slightest. Hopefully, something will come her way in the future but finding sympathetic employers is not easy and holding down a job with ND children who may start school-refusing is even harder.

Did she work in the years between having the children?

Your daughter has a job - caring for and educating her disabled child.

Me too .
Two kids by two dads neither of whom are in contact and a life on benefits is not what anyone would want for their child . Sadly she is now the stereotypical benefit brigade taking more than they put in .

I think it's because the whole post has been derailed by 'special needs'. I.e, OP's daughter cannot work because of her autistic son.
Said autistic son is only 4.
Of course, many working people also claim benefits so 9 years may be wrong. But OP has said she 'could' be getting a PT job so I think she would have said.

I'm also not sure why OP mentioned college... Not university... I thought college was for pre-university.

Having hopes and dreams for your child isn’t not being proud of them. Getting pregnant rapidly after dating someone and being a mum on benefits isn’t great. It’s a very indulgent choice. YANBU

YABU. Your daughter is a single mum with two children, one of whom has special needs. Why are you expecting so much of her? She has a lot on her plate already and she is absolutely right to prioritise being there for her little boy.

It would be very difficult for her to work in her situation and also give her children everything they need. Stop judging her based on your friends and try to feel proud of her, it sounds like she is doing her best and doing a great job of being a mum to your grandchildren.

I have an autistic child I tried to juggle work and raising my son and ended up really struggling with my mental health. Childcare is really difficult to find as asd kids often need lower ratios than usual and I couldn't afford a nanny. In the end I gave up work and my son thrived . I got a part time job when he was 6. She sounds very resilient and caring you have lots to be proud of.

Maybe you could offer any and all the support she needs to work. See if it changes things.

Being disappointed in the way her life has turned out and expecting her to suddenly turn it around are two different things.

I understand the feeling of this not being what you wanted for your child. That makes sense and is fair.

What I don't understand is, now that she's in this situation, pressuring her to get a job whilst also juggling being a parent to two children, one of whom is clearly going to need more attention due to his SEN.

She is where she is and you have to meet her there, OP. You can't change the past.

Perhaps if the two dads had an ounce of moral fibre between them the dd wouldn’t need to be on benefits!
Its always the women who are blamed.