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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Did I do something wrong?

331 replies

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:15

A friend recently lost her best friend in a horrific accident. She sent me some photos of her with her friend and also a poem she had written for her. I decided to put one of the photos & the poem in a frame & sent to her as a keepsake. She reacted in a way I didn’t expect & I’m now questioning if I did something wrong… she said “I have got home to receive your gift. I want to thank you for the kind intent but ask you not to send me any further gifts.” How would you interpret this? I’m at a loss 😞 Was only trying to do something nice… have I caused offence?

OP posts:
Trying2understand · 02/07/2023 20:57

@Snowdrop89 you did something incredibly kind. I imagine your friend is not at that stage of grief yet. Two things could happen here, she's either absolutely going to come to a place of appreciating your gift or she will hold a lot of misplaced grief/anger at you instead. I've seen both between people in my circle. Just know your intentions are what matter most and your friend is in a hard place. Give it time.

madeincalifornia2022 · 02/07/2023 20:59

@Snowdrop89 It 100% valid to feel immense grief after having your husband /partner leave you. Please ignore some of the comments here trying to invalidate this. I don't know what planet these people are on, but it's a cold one. Sending you a big hug, and stay strong.

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 21:00

@Lesina I knew her in a work context. But I didn’t think it was weird at all. I felt honoured to be the person she felt comfortable to share her suffering with. She sent photos because were were just talking about memories & I asked if she had lots of lovely photos of them together & she sent a few.

OP posts:
veryfluffyfluff · 02/07/2023 21:00

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 20:48

She has now replied to my text (the one where I said I’m sorry & I wouldn’t ever have wanted to hurt you) saying “I know you wouldn’t” - so I think it’s ok but I still feel uncomfortable where to go next. Maybe I just need to do my grief for a bit…

That's good OP. Yes I think you're both hurting right now. Take care.

MysteryBelle · 02/07/2023 21:01

From what she’s said in her texts to you, it seems she feels you have no ability to perceive or understand why you offended her.

What did you think she was supposed to do with the framed photo and poem? Had you thought that far? What was your point in framing it? So she could put it on her mantel? Or staring at her from her bedside, her own poem? Do you not see how strange and weird that was? It is so weird that several of us have tried to put it into words but it’s something that’s hard to put your finger on. The poster who said it was like framing a page of her diary from her worst day and giving it to her, and the poster who said it was like you took her words and gave them back to her in a frame as some strange gesture of your own largesse, both nailed it. It’s just weird. We’ve all done weird things. But we have to be willing to see it from the other’s perspective. You sound upset and resentful at her because she reacted that way and because you’re dealing with a spouse leaving you and you imply she hasn’t helped you at all with ‘your’ grief. Now, if there’s a backstory and she is always finding a random reason to reject you or lecture you and act as if you’re offending her all the time, then your reaction to her reaction is totally understandable.

melj1213 · 02/07/2023 21:02

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 20:48

She has now replied to my text (the one where I said I’m sorry & I wouldn’t ever have wanted to hurt you) saying “I know you wouldn’t” - so I think it’s ok but I still feel uncomfortable where to go next. Maybe I just need to do my grief for a bit…

Your friend is clearly trying to acknowledge that it came from a good place but, for her, it is not the comfort you intended and shut it down now before you send any other well meaning gifts. There is no easy way to say it, especially if you don't want to hurt the gift givers feelings as everything can be taken as a judgement, even if it isn't meant as one, it's just meant as a neutral statement to state the facts of the situation.

She knows you meant it kindly, she knows you didn't mean to offend, she knows you would never upset her intentionally but ultimately your action caused upset and she wanted to stop it happening again by speaking as clearly, but politely, as possible.

It may be the delivery of it that went wrong - it sounds like a lovely gift but it is something I would have saved for an anniversary or another special time and also would be sure to hand deliver it so I could "prewarn" her what it was, I wouldn't just send it through the post for her to open without warning. "Lovely friend, I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and wanted to do something practical so I put together a little keepsake in memory of your BFF. I understand if you're not ready to open it now, so I will leave it with you to open when you feel able to, whether that's next week, next month, next year or never at all, it will be ready when you are"

DMLady · 02/07/2023 21:04

OP, please don’t give yourself a hard time about the gift. I think it was a lovely thing to do (and the thought that went into it is lovely too). Clearly your friend didn’t and that’s her prerogative — but it doesn’t automatically make you the one in the wrong. Sometimes there’s just a mismatch between what we do and what the other person wants; it’s not necessarily either person’s fault… and I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time yourself. You can certainly grieve the end of a relationship — and personally, I don’t think anyone should tell you your feelings somehow rank lower than someone else’s. It’s not as though it’s a competition or your grief somehow detracts from or lessens your friend’s: grief is like love — there’s more than enough to go around (sadly)…

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 21:05

Sorry you misunderstood - the person who died I happened to know through work, but not well. The friend I sent the gift to is a close friend.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 02/07/2023 21:05

I don't think you should overthink this. It just wasn't her thing and she would prefer not to receive anything else like that. It doesn't mean that you are an awful friend or you did something wrong, it just means that people are different and like different things. It sounds like your friend sees this as she understands you meant it well, even though it wasn't her kind of thing. Just move on with your friendship as normal.

silverfullmoon · 02/07/2023 21:05

madeincalifornia2022 · 02/07/2023 20:59

@Snowdrop89 It 100% valid to feel immense grief after having your husband /partner leave you. Please ignore some of the comments here trying to invalidate this. I don't know what planet these people are on, but it's a cold one. Sending you a big hug, and stay strong.

I agree. Some of the comments in this thread are disgusting.

You sound like a lovely friend OP and I’m sure your friendship will be fine. Just leave her be now and you can both talk about it when she’s not feeling so raw. Big hugs to you 🌹

bluejelly · 02/07/2023 21:05

If you had done that for me I would have been very touched and grateful. But we're all different. I would just accept the feedback and don't overthink it.

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 21:06

@saraclara Sorry you misunderstood - the person who died I happened to know through work, but not well. The friend I sent the gift to is a close friend. X

OP posts:
StillSoVerySad · 02/07/2023 21:06

The thing about grief and bereavement is that people who have never experienced a significant bereavement just don't understand it - you think you do but you don't.

@Snowdrop89 that you need to understand that when someone is grieving their emotions are all over the place.

Anything - and I literally mean anything - may provoke a bad reaction if you get someone at the wrong time. Sending stuff in the post is particularly dangerous because a person opens it without warning

for the future , I would say if you are thinking of sending something like that to a bereaved person, you should mention it gently first to see if it would be welcome and so that if it is, they have advanced warning - and when you send it tell them.

I think in this case if your friend wanted to frame her poem and her photo she could do it herself. It's probably nothing more than you shocked her when she opened it and it set off a grief wave.

As for what to do now, I think you need to acknowledge what she has said, apologise and tell her that you are there for her. If possible, I'd speak to her rather than send a message in writing.

I'm grieving now and it's a strange time. The slightest thing can set you off so don't take it personally - but like I said, the lesson here is you need to be very tender with grieving people because they are so raw and so vulnerable. A nice comment about the deceased can be like a knife in the heart if it comes at the wrong moment.

formulaonecar · 02/07/2023 21:08

The thing about grief and bereavement is that people who have never experienced a significant bereavement just don't understand it - you think you do but you don't

I have experienced grief- I have lost both my mum and my dad, grandparents, and have no blood family left and I still would have liked the OP's gift. Not all grieving people feel the same way.

DMLady · 02/07/2023 21:10

MysteryBelle · 02/07/2023 21:01

From what she’s said in her texts to you, it seems she feels you have no ability to perceive or understand why you offended her.

What did you think she was supposed to do with the framed photo and poem? Had you thought that far? What was your point in framing it? So she could put it on her mantel? Or staring at her from her bedside, her own poem? Do you not see how strange and weird that was? It is so weird that several of us have tried to put it into words but it’s something that’s hard to put your finger on. The poster who said it was like framing a page of her diary from her worst day and giving it to her, and the poster who said it was like you took her words and gave them back to her in a frame as some strange gesture of your own largesse, both nailed it. It’s just weird. We’ve all done weird things. But we have to be willing to see it from the other’s perspective. You sound upset and resentful at her because she reacted that way and because you’re dealing with a spouse leaving you and you imply she hasn’t helped you at all with ‘your’ grief. Now, if there’s a backstory and she is always finding a random reason to reject you or lecture you and act as if you’re offending her all the time, then your reaction to her reaction is totally understandable.

But just because you think it’s strange and weird, it doesn’t mean you’re ‘right’ and the OP’s wrong…. Clearly the OP’s friend agrees with you — and so do several posters on here. But I don’t think it’s weird; I’d be really touched. And there are other posters on here who’ve said the same. The important thing is that the OP’s friend felt able to say she didn’t want any more gifts and the OP is going to respect that.

JudgeAnderson · 02/07/2023 21:10

I have experienced grief- I have lost both my mum and my dad, grandparents, and have no blood family left and I still would have liked the OP's gift. Not all grieving people feel the same way.

I've also lost both parents. While the gift wouldn't have necessarily been my thing I'd have been very touched at the love and care shown and the kind intent behind it.

formulaonecar · 02/07/2023 21:13

JudgeAnderson · 02/07/2023 21:10

I have experienced grief- I have lost both my mum and my dad, grandparents, and have no blood family left and I still would have liked the OP's gift. Not all grieving people feel the same way.

I've also lost both parents. While the gift wouldn't have necessarily been my thing I'd have been very touched at the love and care shown and the kind intent behind it.

Yes, exactly. Grieving people arent one monolith that all feel the exact same way. We are all different and grief affects everyone differently, I'm a little surprised people arent appreciating this.

StillSoVerySad · 02/07/2023 21:14

I still would have liked the OP's gift. Not all grieving people feel the same way.

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF MY POST. It's a strange time and you can't predict how people would react because everyone is different - and different day to day.

& if you are being really honest with yourself, you have no idea how you would react because you haven't been in that situation in grief where you wrote a poem and sent it to someone.

Maybe the day you opened it, you would feel it was offensive to have it returned to you. Or you were in tears already and the shock tipped you over the edge. Or you were regretting writing the poem, felt it was shit and didn't honour your friend properly, were embarrassed you wrote it and in your second thoughts were upset about having a copy now framed that you felt you couldn't throw away but didn't ever want to see again.

People in grief are all different. The single lesson is to be very careful and tread lightly.

hlc123 · 02/07/2023 21:14

I think it was a lovely idea and I would have been touched to receive such a thoughtful gift. I am sorry about what you are going through. It sounds like you are a very caring friend and I hope you have some support from the people around you

Womensrightsaretheanswer · 02/07/2023 21:14

You did a kind thing, a lovely thoughtful thing. I'm sorry your friend is grieving but I think she is very rude. I would back off a bit. There's nothing you can really say or do to 'fix' it, because you did nothing wrong. Leave her to grieve. Hopefully she will come around at some point.

JudgeAnderson · 02/07/2023 21:15

Yes, exactly. Grieving people arent one monolith that all feel the exact same way. We are all different and grief affects everyone differently, I'm a little surprised people arent appreciating this.

I've just remembered after my mum died we were round at my PILs and my SIL was there and literally didn't even mention it! Any gesture of acknowledgement would have been an improvement on that.

JudgeAnderson · 02/07/2023 21:16

People in grief are all different. The single lesson is to be very careful and tread lightly

And that is why you get poor bewildered bereaved people posting that all their friends have backed off and people cross the street to avoid them.

formulaonecar · 02/07/2023 21:16

StillSoVerySad · 02/07/2023 21:14

I still would have liked the OP's gift. Not all grieving people feel the same way.

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF MY POST. It's a strange time and you can't predict how people would react because everyone is different - and different day to day.

& if you are being really honest with yourself, you have no idea how you would react because you haven't been in that situation in grief where you wrote a poem and sent it to someone.

Maybe the day you opened it, you would feel it was offensive to have it returned to you. Or you were in tears already and the shock tipped you over the edge. Or you were regretting writing the poem, felt it was shit and didn't honour your friend properly, were embarrassed you wrote it and in your second thoughts were upset about having a copy now framed that you felt you couldn't throw away but didn't ever want to see again.

People in grief are all different. The single lesson is to be very careful and tread lightly.

I'm referring to the people asking why on earth OP did what she did and that it was an awful gift. Thats my point- to me it wouldnt have been awful. I would have liked it. Therefore, their assuming it was a horrible gift arent accurate

StillSoVerySad · 02/07/2023 21:17

I've just remembered after my mum died we were round at my PILs and my SIL was there and literally didn't even mention it! Any gesture of acknowledgement would have been an improvement on that.

But that's probably her way of coping. Some people can't deal with grief and their way of coping is to avoid facing it either in themselves or others.

Some people literally run away from their dying loved one because that is their survival mechanism.

Womensrightsaretheanswer · 02/07/2023 21:17

Oh and before anyone comes for me! I lost my mother as a child, all my grandparents a very close Uncle who was like a second dad to me, an Aunty and very tragically a stepson that I used to foster. I know that grief is different in different people, I still think the friend was rude.