Did I do something wrong?

[Snowdrop89]

A friend recently lost her best friend in a horrific accident. She sent me some photos of her with her friend and also a poem she had written for her. I decided to put one of the photos & the poem in a frame & sent to her as a keepsake. She reacted in a way I didn’t expect & I’m now questioning if I did something wrong… she said “I have got home to receive your gift. I want to thank you for the kind intent but ask you not to send me any further gifts.” How would you interpret this? I’m at a loss 😞 Was only trying to do something nice… have I caused offence?

Yes! I completely agree. I'd far rather have a gift that was made with the best intentions and clearly thoughtful on their part even if it wasnt my ideal gift than have people just pretend it never happened. To me, ignoring it is the most insensitive and hurtful thing you can do.

But that's probably her way of coping. Some people can't deal with grief and their way of coping is to avoid facing it either in themselves or others.

No she's just self absorbed. Her own dad, my FIL, is ill now and she's not avoiding that.

I'd take her messages at face value OP, she really appreciates the thought but it's just not for her. If you are in the habit of giving gifts like this I guess she just wants to head you off at the pass.

I've lost my best friend and I think I would have felt similar to your friend, I'm trying to articulate why. First of all, displaying the poem wouldn't be my thing at all - if it was something I'd written it would be far too private, if it was something I found online I'd find it a bit twee.

Mainly, picking a photo and frame after she died was something very important to me - I'd just moved and didn't have any photos of her up. That was a deeply personal job for me to do and take care over - a photo of her printed and framed by someone who hardly knew her would have felt like overstepping.

Incidentally, I don't like to play grief top trumps but DH leaving is one of the few events that would shake my world like the loss of my friend did.

Do you think if she sent it at 1am she was feeling tired and emotional and had had a few drinks? And is now rather embarrassed about it? That’s something I would do in the midst of grief and then I’d be embarrassed at my emotional over share the next day?

Just say you're sorry and you didn't mean to upset her. Tbh I'd find it a bit weird if I shared a pic or poem with you and you took it upon yourself to print it off and frame it. That's incredibly personal.
Still, you seem to know and care about each other enough to get past this. She's acknowledging your kind intent but you've got it badly wrong.
I've been friends with people who because they are kind and pleasant seem to think they're really caring and empathic. They think 'what would Friend like in this situation' but really they're thinking what would l like. That's not empathy. Dont overthink it.
I'm pretty sure she doesn't mean don't ever buy her a present for say a birthday but for now she definitely doesn't want your gifts. I'd also let her initiate contact too.
Don't send her a lengthy text all about you and your intentions. Go light with a simple 'whoops, didn't mean to upset. You know where I am and look forward to seeing you when you're ready.'

@JudgeRudy has it right there - you tried to support her in a way you'd like to be supported in such a situation. But unfortunately that doesn't work for her. Maybe she feels you are auditioning for the best friend vacancy. I think backing off and letting her reach out is best thing.

So sorry OP you've had a really shit weekend and it sounds to me like you were trying to do a lovely thoughtful thing.

People deal with grief differently and obviously this might have unintentionally triggered your friend. It sounds like she realised you meant no harm but was just asking you to not send her anything else (probably in relation to this grief I doubt she means birthday and xmas if thats something you do) as she might not be able to cope with that sort of thing right now.

Please take care of yourself, I realise you're grieving too but it will be difficult to get any reciprocal support from this friend atm if shes in a bit of an all consuming phase of her grief.

Try to put it behind you if you can, if you have an otherwise lovely friendship try not to take to heart the actions of someone in grieving.

Ah, sorry. Thanks for the clarification.

Some of these responses are harsh.

The OP tried to do something she thought was nice.

Her friend did not see it that way and respectfully asked for a similar gesture not be repeated.

Personally I wouldn't want the gift. Clearly others would appreciate it.

It is simply different perspectives from two different friends who are both suffering at the moment.

Nobody has been rude. Nobody is 'weird'. Nobody needs to lose a friendship because of it.

I think it was a nice thought but maybe your friend found it too personal, or something she wouldn’t display anywhere in her house so now it feels like clutter she has to store somewhere?

I don’t think you have to feel awkward though, your friend has politely expressed her wishes to not receive anything else.

Does death of a friend trump a divorce? I don't think so. Totally different but can be equally as devastating depending on the circumstances.

OP you did nothing wrong.

Aww @Snowdrop89 , I feel really sorry for you. You tried to do a kind thing and you're going through such a horrible time yourself 🌻.

It's such a tricky thing to navigate. My mum died last August and I was horribly upset by the gifts that a relative sent me at Christmas time and also on what would have been my mum's birthday in April. The gifts themselves and the big poems that she'd written in the accompanying cards undid so much of the healing that I had been slowly doing, and I felt like I was being dragged backwards.

I'm actually dreading August again because I know she'll send me something else ☹️. I've never said anything negative to her though, I've always just said thank you, that's lovely, so thoughtful etc etc, because obviously I know that she loves me and this is how she shows it.

I'm sure your friend appreciated the gesture if not the gift itself ❤️. Here's a hug from a wee plump Scottish lady from the internet 🤗

I wrote earlier about how I would have appreciated your gesture after the shock death of my DB. Actually I helped bring him up so it was halfway to losing a child, and I stand by my comments.

I am writing again because I am struck by how many who write of experiencing loss share my view. And others who have lost share your friend’s view, but they impart it with kindness. (Most of us end up saying that grief is personal.) Grief brings out our humanity. I’ll wager the smug people harshly lecturing you, OP, know little of it. Yet.

@CarrieMoonbeams you sound like a lovely person.

@Snowdrop89 It was a thoughtful and loving thing to do. Unfortunately it landed badly with her for whatever reason.

If I were you I would back off for a bit. She lashed out at you and you didn’t deserve it. Sounds like you need to take care of yourself right now ❤️

@CarrieMoonbeams thank you so much for the hug - and to everyone else who has sent one. X

@AtrociousCircumstance did you interpret her response as lashing out? X

OP I think you are amazing. You are so selfless and more concerned with whether or not you have inadvertently upset your grieving friend than you are with your own HUGE loss that you haven]t even had time to process yet. And anyone who insensitively minimises the emotional impact of a husband walking out on his wife and three children is not someone speaking from personal experience. It is fucking devastating and yet here is OP worrying more about someone else... OP your husband has thrown away a gem.

It was obviously well intentioned and came from a good place but I would have found that very mawkish. It's (unintentionally) hammering home the loss in a way which I would find pretty intrusive.

I don't think you should beat yourself up about it. She is (as many PPs have pointed out) in the middle of a period of grief and will not be behaving rationally. I have no doubt you can rescue the friendship.

But I would be a bit careful about doing something like this in the future.

@colddrytoast im worrying about all of it really - but yes, the thought of hurting another person is something I can’t stand. This is why it’s troubled me so much.

My guess is that she's opened it and felt a little blindsided by it and its maybe given her an emotional reaction when she had felt she was managing for example. Might have been better if you'd been able to give it to her in person, in private and prefaced it with something like- I thought your tribute to your friend was really touching and thoughtful so I put this together for you as a special keepsake but I understand if you want me to hang on to it for you if you don't feel ready to look at it just yet. By posting it, you don't even know if she was alone when she opened it so could have embarrassed her in front of people she feels less comfortable with.

Just say you understand and you're still here for her and want to support her. And then continue as normal. She might come to think of it as the nice gesture it was intended as with a bit of time.

I think given she knows your intentions were kind, her parting comment was unkind and not necessary. But she's grieving so all bets are off really.
Try not to dwell on it, I actually think despite not liking the gift, in the long run she will think more of you for making the effort.

@Snowdrop89

You sound so lovely. We can see it, your friend certainly knows it. I promise you this is a much, much bigger deal to you than it was to her.

You'll feel much better once you've seen her again I'm sure, I would also be tying myself in knots so I get how you're feeling.

The mindset you need to try to hold onto is that you didn't actually do anything wrong. You did a kind thing, OK it wasn't appreciated but the kindness behind it was.

We all put our foot in it occasionally and it sounds like that's all that has happened here, it's not a big deal. Leave it in the past and try not to let it dominate your thoughts.

Thanks everyone. Xx

I thought that was lovely and probably would have done the same. I'm not sure why she would of reacted this way, grief is something that can't be controlled so I would continue to be there as a support let know you are here for her when she's ready. X