Did I do something wrong?

[Snowdrop89]

A friend recently lost her best friend in a horrific accident. She sent me some photos of her with her friend and also a poem she had written for her. I decided to put one of the photos & the poem in a frame & sent to her as a keepsake. She reacted in a way I didn’t expect & I’m now questioning if I did something wrong… she said “I have got home to receive your gift. I want to thank you for the kind intent but ask you not to send me any further gifts.” How would you interpret this? I’m at a loss 😞 Was only trying to do something nice… have I caused offence?

@Snowdrop89 I'm so sorry, you must be devastated and of course you're grieving as well. A husband is the person you share your life with and losing them even to relationship breakdown just throws a grenade into your whole life and completely altered what you thought was a shared future. Sending you hugs x

The comparisons on here between a family breakdown and a best friend dying are horrible and ghoulish. I don’t understand the point of it. This isn’t the grief Olympics.

As others have said, you were well intentioned but clearly your friend wasn’t in a mental place to be able to accept the gift. Your friend dealt with it in a mature and polite way. I’m sure you’ll both come out the other side of both of your current situations stronger and still friends.

See, if my friend died, I wouldn't want meals etc because it's the practical daily tasks that keep me going in the midst of grief. If it was a relative and I had all the admin to deal with on top of the grief, meals might be useful.

@JudgeAnderson i don’t mean this to sound insensitive to anyone who has lost a husband to death, but I feel at the moment that might hurt me less than knowing he is intentionally throwing me & our girls away out of his own choice. But anyway, thank you for your support & acknowledging the pain. I genuinely came on here to hear all views and opinions & am grateful for them all. X

You don’t ‘print and frame’ someone else’s grief.

It’s not a ‘lovely gesture’. It’s actually horrid.

All of you, who I actually agree with in saying op was weird in framing poem and giving it back, but then saying do not go talk to her about it. This may be a difference culturally as I’m from the USA so less reserved and more inclined to talk things through and resolve conflict. If someone offended me, a close relative or friend, then I would welcome that person explaining to me their intent and I could explain how I felt and then we could reconcile. And therefore in a time of grief, there wouldn’t be the added burden of having bad feelings toward someone. It’s not about going round and ‘discussing my gift’ as much as reconciling with a grieving loved one so that the incident is not another thing to bother them. And she could use your shoulder to cry on and now she can’t because of this bad feeling between you.

I’ve had this somewhat similar thing happen to me, it was very offensive actually, and the person didn’t bother to talk to me about it and it’s changed our relationship for the worse.
So that is my thinking on clearing up this misunderstanding, because it means you can continue to be there for her while she is grieving and this weird thing that happened wouldn’t be another thing bothering her.

HI OP,
I’m sorry you have had such a tough weekend.

You were only trying to be kind, caring and thoughtful and it sounds like your friend realises that. You did nothing wrong.

It’s simply that people are so very different. What one person loves another doesn’t. I’m not a fan of pictures/photos on my shelves and walls (don’t care what others do). I can be anxious and overthink and memories (like when someone gives me a framed photo of say a family day out) feel emotionally loaded to me and also busy and clutter and I stick them in a drawer and hope they don’t notice they never see it again. I equally think if they look around my house they will see that there are none of these and they could consider that’s cause I don’t want them. A picture of the type you are describing even more of a no for me. Too much emotion …but for someone else they would love it and keep it by the bed. You got it wrong this time and that’s ok.

As for general gifts I think we can have so much stuff these days that physical gifts can feel like a burden. I think it’s better to just say “I have seen your birthday coming up can I take you for lunch - can we get something in the diary?” Card if you want and job done and nothing going to landfill.

You haven’t lost your best friend. Just say “I understand - sorry. Let me know if you need to talk”. It’s ok.

I can tell you are in a bad place but comparing a relationship breakdown to a death is very unreasonable.

I really hope your friend doesn’t get a wind of you doing that and actually saying your pain is worse than the pain of a death

Honestly this thread is such a good illustration as to why many people just steer clear if there's been a bereavement. You can't do right for doing wrong.

Does no-one just accept a kind intention any more?

did you know the person who died OP? It comes across here that you didn’t, which I think is the issue. It would have been less strange if you’d also known the person who died, I think.

Having gone through divorce/separation and the death of loved ones - I have to say that the grief is somewhat comparable! You're losing routine, contact, and a relationship with another human. If not even more painful in many ways. I am surprised that people are telling the OP that she is not going through anything like her friend. Different situations, but the grief from one is not superior to the other - we are all allowed to own these feelings.

OP, I would be hurt to receive that message from a friend. The thought behind what you did was genuine, thoughtful, and kind. This was a snub, and grief makes people do funny things ( speaking from being that person). I'm assuming this was a good friend, and she would also be free to be a little more transparent with you if it was not appreciated. Such as "I appreciate the thought, but the poem was meant to be shared and too painful for me to look at, etc.".

Right now, focus on yourself, self-care, and your own news. I'm so sorry, even if the separation is mutual. Stay strong, and know that you are a kind and honorable friend for what you did.

I lost a friend last year and I find it very difficult when pictures of her pop up on my phone. Maybe later on it won't hurt so much. I imagine this is why your friend wouldn't want a pic of her best friend on display. But you weren't to know she'd react that way. I would just carry on as normal with the birthday presents etc .

I really hope your friend doesn’t get a wind of you doing that and actually saying your pain is worse than the pain of a death

It is to the OP though. Who is anyone to say otherwise?

@Spreadbed Yes, I knew her, but only in work context.

She has now replied to my text (the one where I said I’m sorry & I wouldn’t ever have wanted to hurt you) saying “I know you wouldn’t” - so I think it’s ok but I still feel uncomfortable where to go next. Maybe I just need to do my grief for a bit…

It isn't 'printing and framing grief', it is printing and framing photos.

It isn't horrid, it was well intentioned. I do hope the op's friend isn't the sort to make it all about her. You smile and say thankyou when folk make an effort when you're bereaved.

Completely disagree. I'd be very, very upset if I lost a friend. But if my husband walked out on me and our kids it would devastate our lives. It would mean worrying about my children's mental health, they arent old enough to process such a thing so it would deeply upset them. I love my friends but I love my children more, most people do.

@madeincalifornia2022 not mutual, he’s leaving me - that’s why it feels like grief to me - and I’m sure it can do even if it’s mutual. X

I think that's exactly it OP, you can rest easy knowing she isn't thinking badly of you, which is great.

Just give her space for bit, sounds like that's what she needs. And you need space too to process your own stuff just now, so you can pick up the thread later on down the line.

Dear OP - I am sorry that so many people are minimising your pain. I remember how devastated my mum was when my dad left her. It was raw. Easily comparable to a bereavement. She was far more upset than when her own mother died.

Personally, even when I've gone through very traumatic grief, I would never say something as cold to you as your friend did, knowing that your intentions were good. If I knew your intentions were goosd, I'd thank you warmly for your kindness but privately put the photo away so I don't have to see it.
OP, you sound like a hyper-thoughtful and very sensitive person who cannot stand the idea of upsetting someone. I suspect your friend is not like you in this way, and doesn't fully understand that her response would have affected you this much.
With grief, it's so easy to say or do the wrong thing. I think that the reason so many people do nothing, or just spout platitudes, when someone is grieving is because they fear mistepping in any way and getting a bad reaction. I think that taking a risk to show you care but getting it slightly wrong is better than doing nothing.

I think it’s a bit weird that she sent you the poem and photo in the first place. Did you know the person who passed away?

I would really value having a friend like you OP. I am sorry your sentiment didn't land properly, and hope you're OK in the days ahead with the news you've had.

If she's just a work colleague and you didn't know her friend, your gesture might have just seemed a bit much, and too sentimental.

I'm not a sentimental person so I'd have been thrown by this sort of gesture from a colleague. I don't think I'd have responded as she did, even in deep grief (which I experienced when I lost my husband), but in some ways it's good that she did. You now know that she finds that kind of thing hard. So don't go overthinking what to do next. Just carry on with your work relationship as if it hadn't happened, and as of her friend hasn't died.

She sounds like me. Someone who doesn't want fuss and copes by trying to carry on as normal.

She's already feeling terrible, poor thing, stop torturing her.