Did I do something wrong?

[Snowdrop89]

A friend recently lost her best friend in a horrific accident. She sent me some photos of her with her friend and also a poem she had written for her. I decided to put one of the photos & the poem in a frame & sent to her as a keepsake. She reacted in a way I didn’t expect & I’m now questioning if I did something wrong… she said “I have got home to receive your gift. I want to thank you for the kind intent but ask you not to send me any further gifts.” How would you interpret this? I’m at a loss 😞 Was only trying to do something nice… have I caused offence?

I would have reacted the same.

Now she has a physical thing she’s supposed to put up in her home, maybe she doesn’t want to and it’s got so much emotional meaning to it. Her poem for instance was a temporary thing, not something to be displayed forever.

I wouldn’t have liked receiving it either. But I would have still appreciated you as a friend, which is exactly what she did.

@SBHon Nothing to stop her not putting it up, putting it away, binning it, removing the photo & poem & replacing them with other photos… I’ve never been to her home & unlikely to go so I wouldn’t need to know anything about it. You know when you just want to turn back time… :( Wish I hadn’t done it. Scared even to mention the situation again so I’m likely to end up someone who disappears now… x

For me the thing stopping me from binning it would be the emotional connection. I wouldn’t be able to bin something linked to such an emotional situation. It’s an albatross of sorts.

But the main thing is I’d appreciate you and be grateful for you as a friend which is what she’s done. It sounds like you both really value each other. This one blip isn’t anything more than a blip.

so I’m likely to end up someone who disappears now… x

Aorry but that's just dramatic. Just continue the friendship normally but don't send any more random presents. There is no need to drop the friend because she only seem to do presents for birthdays and Christmas....

@Cakesandbabes Definitely not going to drop her as a friend. Just meant I’m scared to mention the bereavement thing now. I’ll just take her lead on it x

You're coming across as a martyr now. Just continue your friendship as before, just take your cues for talking about her bereavement from your friend.

You did something you thought was kind, it didn't go down well. They understood it was done from a good place but didn't want you to do it again so said so, in the politest way possible under the circumstances.

Get over it and move on.

There's an expectation that people will respond to a gift giver, with thanks, appreciation etc.
Perhaps she's not ready for any kind of discussion related to her loss yet.

Thanks everyone - I have some perspective on this now. I would never have wanted to hurt, upset or offend my treasured friend - & I know she knows that. It’s fine, I will move on in peace 😊 xx

I’ve never been to the home of my closest friend. She lives about an hour away, but her husband is a hoarder and she’s embarrassed.

Seems odd -it's fine for her to send you a poem and photos but not you to her?

Maybe you don't want someone pouring out all their grief onto you? (And it's bern made clear it's your friends best friend -which sort of puts you in your place as NOT HER BEST FRIEND- and you only knew the person who died in passing)

So weird all round really. She's leaning on you but when you respond, she gets offended? I'd not really know how to respond to that beyond withdrawing a bit.

@burnoutbabe Im totally fine with her sharing whatever of her grief she needs to. I’d want her to be there for me in my dark times. I’d never expect to be her best friend, the person she has lost has been her friend for 40 years whereas we’ve only been friends for about 3 years. I believe we all need lots of friends & each contributes something different. I felt privileged that she shared her deep feelings with me & my main worry now is that she won’t do that going forward & instead will suffer in silence - I’d never want anyone I know to do that xx

Why would she have sent you the photos and poem in the first place? You hardly want them - it's her best friend not yours. Very weird thing to do and even weirder reaction. I suppose you can just put it down to grieving gone wrong but I would be asking myself if she really was a friend.

I have to agree with this. I would have found the gift so bizarre and I would have reacted in the same way as the friend.

Just let it go OP. She’s made herself clear and has been polite. Let her deal with her grief in her own way

It's very kind & thoughtful of you but I've had to say the same thing to people. I hate when people give me picture frames, cushions, coasters etc. I want to decorate my house how I want and not have to display something that is someone else's taste.

I agree. An ex took a photo from my FB of me with my son and had it blown up and framed without telling me then got upset that I wasn’t falling over myself with gratitude.

It’s a lovely photo but it was a moment between me and my boy that was ours - it really wasn’t for someone else to decide it should be hanging up on my wall.

I think maybe she is just grieving her reaction is odd. Don’t worry about it you did a nice thing

I think what you did was really kind and if I had received it I would have been very touched.

I think she over reacted as she is grieving. I would leave it at that and still give birthday and Christmas presents.

OP, your situation with your friend notwithstanding, how are YOU doing?
Ex-DH announced he was leaving me the week my beloved dad died suddenly. The whole family was completely devastated, especially DM. But bless her, she said that he hadn't wanted to leave and in many ways DH leaving me was almost worse because it was his choice.
Take care of yourself, and be strong. All will be well.

I don’t think you ‘did anything wrong’ but more mistimed the gift. I would have asked if she would be ok if I made her a gift with the poem & picture before actually giving it to her.
The last thing I think she wants, right now, is a visual reminder of the friend she has lost & your gift has just hit a very, very raw nerve.
She does appreciate the gift, she has sort of said thank you for it, but can’t handle it right now, if you get what I mean.

I think what you did was lovely. My DD took a beautiful photo of her Step dad and framed it with the words from the song played at his funeral. I thought it was a very thoughtful thing to do.

I think that’s a lovely kind caring thing to do. So sorry about your husband.

I don’t think you did anything wrong. Just for whatever reason it’s not what she needs right now. Don’t over think it. She says she appreciates the kind intent but to please not send her anything else. All you need to do is respect her wishes.

I agree with this post

Years ago I went on a holiday with a friend and we made a sandcastle on the beach. No masterpiece, in fact it was shit (using a fag end as flag about sums it up), just a bit of fun to pass the time. I put the photo along with other holiday photos on Facebook. Later for a birthday my aunt (who wasn’t on the holiday by the way) printed and framed that one of the shit sand castle and gave it to me as a present.

I don’t think I was a very gracious gift recipient, I didn’t hide my confusion very well! I thought: it’s my own photo, it’s of a fun moment that had nothing to do with you, it’s not even nice photo honestly and you’re giving me my own photo back to me to put up in my house??