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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I ask friend not to bring her partner round?

281 replies

Biytrer · 01/07/2023 18:54

She's house/pet sitting for me. I mind her pets when she goes away too. I'm leaving her with a full fridge and some spending money for a takeaway etc.

I've a house with big garden and she's in a high rise flat so she does enjoy minding the house.

She has a partner now who I've only met once. She asked if her partner could stay with her the weekends (2)

I felt put on the spot but I really am not wanting this to happen. I barely know the person. We have lots of personal items around the house. I trust my friend completely but I don't know this other person. My husband really isn't happy with them being in our bed (there isn't anywhere else to go)

Is it really bad to ask the person doenst stay over?

OP posts:
Niceseasidetown · 01/07/2023 19:22

I think you're being perfectly reasonable while the relationship is new.

Try and handle the conversation tactfully but really as some living in a flat I'd be thrilled to have access to a nice garden with the weather how it is.

Sounds like a longstanding arrangement that has always worked well so why change it.

pigsDOfly · 01/07/2023 19:22

BonnieGlasses · 01/07/2023 18:58

You would be really mean not to allow this, especially since you trust her.
Your DH's bed objections are ridiculous, does he never sleep in hotels?

There's a huge difference between staying in a hotel and having a virtual stranger sleeping, and no doubt having sex, in your own bed.

Original poster
Biytrer · 01/07/2023 19:24

GoodChat · 01/07/2023 19:18

@Biytrer so when you look after her pets do they all come to you?

Her dog does come stay with me. The rest are small animals so I visit daily to feed/clean/let them out for exercise.

OP posts:
NomDe · 01/07/2023 19:24

Biytrer · 01/07/2023 19:17

Um have you read the thread?

I mind her 8 animals all the time and don't ask for a penny. I mind her dog at least twice a month when she goes to stay at her partners for the weekend and feed her other animals.

And it was her OWN WORDS that she likes staying at mine because there's more space and a large garden for her dog.

Show quote history

Um, nope! I read the original post and replied. That ok with you? :)

PoseyFlump · 01/07/2023 19:24

There's a huge difference between staying in a hotel and having a virtual stranger sleeping, and no doubt having sex, in your own bed.

Exactly. I don't believe for a minute mumsnetters would be fine with their own bed being soiled.

NomDe · 01/07/2023 19:25

pigsDOfly · 01/07/2023 19:22

There's a huge difference between staying in a hotel and having a virtual stranger sleeping, and no doubt having sex, in your own bed.

Show quote history

Why do you assume she wants to have sex in your bed?

PoseyFlump · 01/07/2023 19:25

What's your point @NomDe? You're coming across as a bully.

NomDe · 01/07/2023 19:27

PoseyFlump · 01/07/2023 19:25

What's your point @NomDe? You're coming across as a bully.

How?! Which bit?

ClaraBourne · 01/07/2023 19:27

I wouldn't want a person I don't know well staying in my home when I'm not there. The fact she is pet sitting in neither here nor there. It's mutual favours.

PoseyFlump · 01/07/2023 19:28

That ok with you?

That bit. All so PA for nothing.

PoseyFlump · 01/07/2023 19:29

ClaraBourne · 01/07/2023 19:27

I wouldn't want a person I don't know well staying in my home when I'm not there. The fact she is pet sitting in neither here nor there. It's mutual favours.

Finally, someone who has a good dose of common sense!

YeahIsaidit · 01/07/2023 19:29

How new is the relationship if you're saying you look after her dog twice a month while she stays with him?

Riri24 · 01/07/2023 19:30

I think if you trust your friend and trust her judgement then YABU. Especially as she is doing you the favour not the other way round. Feels overdramatic to assume her partner is going to rob you!

Ellie450 · 01/07/2023 19:30

Without a guest bedroom it would be a hard no from me. New boyfriend that she doesn’t yet live with and wants him to stay over with her in your bedroom at the weekends? She might as well have said, “Hey by the way is it okay for John to stay so that we can spend the weekends having sex in you and your husband’s bed?” I wonder what it’s like to have no shame. 😂😂

elenacampana · 01/07/2023 19:30

You’ll have to pay someone to look after your pets then.

My BIL pet sits for us regularly, he has his gf here before we’d met her. Really don’t think it’s a big deal!

Original poster
Biytrer · 01/07/2023 19:31

YeahIsaidit · 01/07/2023 19:29

How new is the relationship if you're saying you look after her dog twice a month while she stays with him?

About 4 months I think? But it's a little LD so they usually do the whole weekends together. 2 at her home, 2 away, so I watch the animals.

OP posts:
Original poster
Biytrer · 01/07/2023 19:32

elenacampana · 01/07/2023 19:30

You’ll have to pay someone to look after your pets then.

My BIL pet sits for us regularly, he has his gf here before we’d met her. Really don’t think it’s a big deal!

In your bed?

OP posts:
HarpyValley · 01/07/2023 19:32

So have I understood correctly - she could look after your pets from her place by just popping in once or twice a day, but she prefers to stay because you’ve got a bigger place and a garden? So it’s not that you’re demanding she stay there 24/7 and are also saying no to her partner staying; she could see him if she stayed at her own place and just dropped in on your house and pets to check all okay and feed/water etc, but she’s choosing to stay to enjoy the increased space at yours and also wants her bf to join her on weekends?

If I’ve understood correctly, then YANBU at all. She has a choice: bigger house and a garden for two weeks but no partner, or stays at her flat and sees as much of her partner as she wants round visits to yours.

Return2thebasic · 01/07/2023 19:32

It's a difficult one. If I were you, I'd either accept it and just be prepared to put away valuables and protection sheet the bed, OR pay someone under your set rules. Otherwise you risk losing the friendship. It can feel hurtful for the other side...

Original poster
Biytrer · 01/07/2023 19:34

HarpyValley · 01/07/2023 19:32

So have I understood correctly - she could look after your pets from her place by just popping in once or twice a day, but she prefers to stay because you’ve got a bigger place and a garden? So it’s not that you’re demanding she stay there 24/7 and are also saying no to her partner staying; she could see him if she stayed at her own place and just dropped in on your house and pets to check all okay and feed/water etc, but she’s choosing to stay to enjoy the increased space at yours and also wants her bf to join her on weekends?

If I’ve understood correctly, then YANBU at all. She has a choice: bigger house and a garden for two weeks but no partner, or stays at her flat and sees as much of her partner as she wants round visits to yours.

Basically. Yes.

OP posts:
Sarah2891 · 01/07/2023 19:34

YANBU at all! I wouldn't want him there either

pigsDOfly · 01/07/2023 19:34

NomDe · 01/07/2023 19:25

Why do you assume she wants to have sex in your bed?

Show quote history

What? It's not my bed.

I think it's a bit naïve to assume that a couple who are in the first flush of a relationship are going to spend the weekend together, sleep together in one bed and just lie there avoiding any sexual activity for the whole weekend.

Kinneddar · 01/07/2023 19:35

PoseyFlump · 01/07/2023 19:24

There's a huge difference between staying in a hotel and having a virtual stranger sleeping, and no doubt having sex, in your own bed.

Exactly. I don't believe for a minute mumsnetters would be fine with their own bed being soiled.

Considering presumably the sheets will be changed for her arrival & again when she leaves then any 'soiling' isn't going to affect the OP. If someone was staying at my house doing me a favour then no I wouldn't bother if their partner stayed

As pp said, at least she's asked. Mind you if you say no you'll never know if she's abided by your wishes or brought him over anyway

Original poster
Biytrer · 01/07/2023 19:35

I mean she can have him over for dinner and such, I just don't want him sleeping over in my bed 😫

They could go to hers for the nights he's here.

OP posts:
EggInANest · 01/07/2023 19:35

You can’t expect her to not see her boyfriend for 2 weeks incl 2 weekends in order to house and pet sit for you.

You trust her with your house and animals, so why would you not trust her to have a responsible partner? And as you say, you have met him.

If you say no, expect the relationship you have with her to change.

And by the way: she is being fair and respectful to ask you.

Don’t be mean, uptight and prissy.