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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I ask friend not to bring her partner round?

281 replies

Biytrer · 01/07/2023 18:54

She's house/pet sitting for me. I mind her pets when she goes away too. I'm leaving her with a full fridge and some spending money for a takeaway etc.

I've a house with big garden and she's in a high rise flat so she does enjoy minding the house.

She has a partner now who I've only met once. She asked if her partner could stay with her the weekends (2)

I felt put on the spot but I really am not wanting this to happen. I barely know the person. We have lots of personal items around the house. I trust my friend completely but I don't know this other person. My husband really isn't happy with them being in our bed (there isn't anywhere else to go)

Is it really bad to ask the person doenst stay over?

OP posts:
JMSA · 01/07/2023 20:11

She's not a teenager. You have to trust her.

Original poster
Biytrer · 01/07/2023 20:12

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 01/07/2023 20:08

I'm talking about in-home pet care.

That's what I charge to stay in someone's home each night to care for their pets while they're away, assuming I can go about my business as normal. Prices for that range from about £35 per night (plus walks) to £75 ish per night.

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I wouldn't choose that type of care. I'm sure it works for many people but it's not something I would consider.

If I decide my friends situation isn't ideal then I would have one of my dogs go to a family member each.

But I would rather have her here because she is very good with them and they adore her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Biytrer · 01/07/2023 20:13

Aquamarine1029 · 01/07/2023 20:10

Then the conversation is easy, the issue is already known to her. You can just tell her honestly why you don't want him in your home, especially sleeping in your bed, and his odour is much, much worse than she realises.

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It's such a hard conversation to have :(

OP posts:
PoseyFlump · 01/07/2023 20:14

@cinnamonfrenchtoast we get it. You're a pet sitter. Totally irrelevant to the OPs mutual agreement.

LadyInBread · 01/07/2023 20:14

Aquamarine1029 · 01/07/2023 19:43

Surely it's no different to sleeping in a hotel bed in that respect

Of course it's different, isn't it? The mattress you have in your home isn't a mattress in a fucking hotel. There is no expectation for other people to sleep or fuck on it. Someone always trots out this bullshit analogy comparing one's personal bed to the bed in a hotel. 🙄

Bloody hell. Grumpy much? 😂

wutheringkites · 01/07/2023 20:15

Some of these replies are nuts.

Op, it is perfectly ok to say you don't want a stranger to sleep and have sex in your bed.

I'd probably be upfront on that point and say that neither you or your husband are comfortable with that, but don't make it specific to her boyfriend.

If they can spend some time at your place during those days but go back to hers for the night then suggest that. It is really not unreasonable.

Kinneddar · 01/07/2023 20:15

This is gonna be seen as a drip feed and something I probably should have said at the beginning

Ffs - you think???

Why leave out the biggest factor until several pages in.

Massive drip threads are right up there with reverses

PoseyFlump · 01/07/2023 20:16

a mischief of rats

You learn something new every day.

Pineapplewaves · 01/07/2023 20:17

If you don't need her to sleep at your house at the weekends just say no and tell her you are happy for her to stay in her own home with her partner at the weekends.

Denise82 · 01/07/2023 20:17

You are not unreasonable, just say you don't want him staying overnight. I wouldn't want anyone else sleeping in my bed. I'd set up spare bed somewhere.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 01/07/2023 20:17

PoseyFlump · 01/07/2023 20:14

@cinnamonfrenchtoast we get it. You're a pet sitter. Totally irrelevant to the OPs mutual agreement.

It's not irrelevant at all Hmm I was just trying to point out that OP's friend is saving her a lot of money by helping out (even though it's a mutual arrangement) so it's worth weighing up the (financial) pros/cons of potentially upsetting her friend, that's all.

But if it makes you feel better to snipe at other people's answers instead of actually contributing yourself, you carry on Grin

SeaToSki · 01/07/2023 20:18

Can you ‘replace’ your mattress while you are away… then let her know the new one isnt being delivered until you are back. Tell her she is welcome to use your house during the day as a base but there isnt anywhere for either of them to sleep. Then you will need to lock your bedroom door while you are away. But it all seems a bit of overkill versus

Dear friend, I have been thinking about your bf sleeping over in my bed while I am away and have decided I am just not comfortable with it. I understand if that means you dont want to dog sit anymore, but I wanted to be honest with you as I value our friendship.

If she asks you why, say you dont want to go into specifics as it is embarrassing and repeat its that you just are not comfortable with a stranger in your bedroom.

ZekeZeke · 01/07/2023 20:19

Biytrer · 01/07/2023 20:10

So in one breath you say 8 animals in a flat is grim but then your suggestion is to add another 2? 🤔

She has a small dog and a mischief of rats in one very large enclosure. There's hardly animals running all over the place.

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It is GRIM!
However, adding your 2 small dogs to her brood would be (to me) a better solution for 2 weeks than have her and her partners smelly pissy arse on your fueniture/bedclothes.

SayHi · 01/07/2023 20:20

I don’t understand why you’re posting in AIBU when you’ve already made up your mind.

If my friend was kind enough to look after my pets and had to stay the night, then I’d let her bring her bf.

But it doesn’t matter what I or anyone else would do because it’s your home and if you don’t want someone else in your home then you don’t have to.

Just say no sorry I don’t want him staying the night because I don’t know him well enough.

If she gets funny then remind her of all of the times that you looked after her pets.

If she refuses to do it then pay a pet sitter and don’t do her any favours again.

PoseyFlump · 01/07/2023 20:21

@cinnamonfrenchtoast your answers have been snipey and constant. The OP has told you a number of times now it's different to your 'business'. She's not going to hire someone like you. She wiould use family. Mumsnet is full of projectors.

Turquoisflutterby · 01/07/2023 20:23

OP why are you beating around the bush here? You don't want them having sex in your bed while you are on holiday having sex in a bed that's had 1000s of times more action than your bed at home. Strange

User1438423 · 01/07/2023 20:23

For a weekend you would not be unreasonable, but for a two week holiday including 2 weekends then yes, you would be. She is only asking if he can stay the weekends, and asked you first, and you aren't even paying her being a stocked fridge. You say you look after her animals, but have you done it for such a length of time while staying at hers on your own? It doesn't sound like it.

TooBigForMyBoots · 01/07/2023 20:24

You can, but it will come at a price as you know.

Tell her and risk damaging your friendship.
Tell her you no longer need her and pay for a petsitter/ pet hotel.

Throwncrumbs · 01/07/2023 20:26

im May be missing the point here…she’s got 8 animals and a dog in a high rise flat….that’s cruel . Say he can come round but no to staying over in your bed.

Catlord · 01/07/2023 20:26

Biytrer · 01/07/2023 19:35

I mean she can have him over for dinner and such, I just don't want him sleeping over in my bed 😫

They could go to hers for the nights he's here.

I think this is absolutely fine!

Even if he didn't pong I think it's reasonable to say 'I'm happy for John to come over and hang out in the garden/ have dinner or whatever. However, it's nothing personal but we just don't know him very well so please can you stay at yours the nights he's over?'

You save her a lot of hassle and money, she saves you a lot. Nobody is doing an unreturned favour. I don't think you're out of order for setting a boundary if she can do the job without staying over.

If she has anosmia it might be kind to maybe let her know very tactfully and discreetly (I.e. don't roar it across a pub) that John seems a lovely guy but is he ok as you've noticed the eau de pissoir everytime you meet him. My sense of smell was badly affected by covid and tbh I would like to know if a new boyfriend was that unhygienic. Not saying it's an easy conversation to have or that you're obliged to have it but you might save her some embarrassment. That said, maybe she's his dream woman because she can tolerate his habits.

FictionalCharacter · 01/07/2023 20:26

Biytrer · 01/07/2023 20:08

Well I have an anxiety disorder myself and ADHD so I probably am. Thanks for pointing it out though.

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I don’t think you sound neurotic at all @Biytrer . And you said in your OP that your husband didn’t want them sleeping in your bed, but I don’t see anyone accusing him of being neurotic.
It’s a tough one. Personally I think on balance I’d say yes, put a mattress protector on the bed and hot wash the bedding they used. The arrangement the two of you have to look after each other’s pets is really valuable, and it would be a shame for it to break down.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 01/07/2023 20:26

PoseyFlump · 01/07/2023 20:21

@cinnamonfrenchtoast your answers have been snipey and constant. The OP has told you a number of times now it's different to your 'business'. She's not going to hire someone like you. She wiould use family. Mumsnet is full of projectors.

And yet OP and I managed to have a perfectly civilised conversation before you decided to butt in and be unpleasant to me for no reason.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 01/07/2023 20:27

Biytrer · 01/07/2023 20:12

I wouldn't choose that type of care. I'm sure it works for many people but it's not something I would consider.

If I decide my friends situation isn't ideal then I would have one of my dogs go to a family member each.

But I would rather have her here because she is very good with them and they adore her.

Show quote history

That's totally fair enough, it's not for everyone.

I guess you just need to weigh up the pros and cons - if you have other possible care for your pets then there's not as much to lose on your side :) good luck!

diddl · 01/07/2023 20:29

I think that if you don't want him in your house/staying over then you need to ask her to take your dogs to hers or leave your dogs at yours & walk/feed them as necessary?

User1438423 · 01/07/2023 20:30

Ok I missed the part about him smelling and her having no sense of smell. I'd potentially ask her to come round for a drink to discuss. Tell her what you are going to say is sensitive, and then explain about how he smells. My sister has no sense of smell, she was born anosmic, and she's never been sensitive about people telling her on rare occasions she smells! I think because she doesn't know what a bad smell is like she doesn't take it personally. Explain you are happy for him to come round but don't want him sleeping in your bed because of it, blame your DH if it helps. I know someone who has started to always smell of stale urine, and I am fine putting up with it and giving him a hug, but the smell can longer long after he's left the building, so I can kind of understand not wanting him sleeping in your bed.

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