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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I ask friend not to bring her partner round?

281 replies

Biytrer · 01/07/2023 18:54

She's house/pet sitting for me. I mind her pets when she goes away too. I'm leaving her with a full fridge and some spending money for a takeaway etc.

I've a house with big garden and she's in a high rise flat so she does enjoy minding the house.

She has a partner now who I've only met once. She asked if her partner could stay with her the weekends (2)

I felt put on the spot but I really am not wanting this to happen. I barely know the person. We have lots of personal items around the house. I trust my friend completely but I don't know this other person. My husband really isn't happy with them being in our bed (there isn't anywhere else to go)

Is it really bad to ask the person doenst stay over?

OP posts:
L1342 · 02/07/2023 19:39

Aquamarine1029 · 01/07/2023 20:04

If she's really your friend, you should be honest with her about how disgusting and filthy her new boyfriend is.

Im sorry but this made me laugh out loud. How are you supposed to turn to your friend and say “sorry ‘Jane’ but have you noticed that your boyfriend is disgusting and stinks of piss?”

I’m not caught up yet but this thread has me cackling

CapEBarra · 02/07/2023 19:39

PoseyFlump · 01/07/2023 19:24

There's a huge difference between staying in a hotel and having a virtual stranger sleeping, and no doubt having sex, in your own bed.

Exactly. I don't believe for a minute mumsnetters would be fine with their own bed being soiled.

You do realise that loads and loads of people have loads and loads of sex on hotel beds? You can’t be worried about your friend and her partner sullying your mattress when you’re about to go and sleep on one where hundreds of couples have shagged?

pigsDOfly · 02/07/2023 19:48

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/07/2023 18:33

Why? What’s the difference?
you will sleep in a bed with fresh linen but someone else has also slept and probably had sex in it. I can’t see the difference, except if it’s your own you can ensure that mattress cover etc are all clean. I have a holiday home that friends occasionally use, I presume they have sex. We change the bedding.

Show quote history

The difference, for me, and for quite a number of other pps on here, is that it's my own bed in my own bedroom and is exclusively for my use.

I wouldn't want someone I've never met sleeping in my bed in my bedroom.

I realise that it wouldn't bother some people, but it would bother me and it bothers the OP and her husband.

And given that this particular man has massive hygiene issues and stinks of stale urine I suspect very few people would want him in their bed or in their house tbh.

Winnipeg23 · 02/07/2023 20:08

The world and their dog can say, it's fine to have her new boyfriend be in your house and amongst all Ur precious things. I cudnt care less....I'd NEVER agree to that. He could be anyone. Yuck yuck and yuck again. Big fat no from me.
Why do you need your house 'sat' anyway? If your worried about being burgled or something just get a nestcam.

Vinomummyinlockdown · 02/07/2023 20:10

She doesn’t live with the new boyfriend so why should he now “live” with her for 10 days at OPs place?? It’s OPs house and she decides who sleeps there. She also helps her friend out with her pets so you can all stop quoting house and pet sitting prices. OP - it’s your house, your rules.

wutheringkites · 02/07/2023 20:24

I love the multiple suggestions that op change her bedding - I'm sure it's this kind of innovative thinking she came here for.

crazyaboutcats · 02/07/2023 20:27

I don't think adults have the right to dictate what or with whom other adults do with their time or in their home, which will be your home for this period of time, let alone when they are doing a favour which your friend is doing

I would be less precious or find an alternative arrangement you are comfortable with

AutumnCrow · 02/07/2023 20:29

wutheringkites · 02/07/2023 20:24

I love the multiple suggestions that op change her bedding - I'm sure it's this kind of innovative thinking she came here for.

It's great, isn't it?!

A bit like:

Could you increase your hours?
Could you sell some family heirlooms?
Could you just pop a casserole in the oven?
Hmmm, we find that Venison a la Fancypants is inexpensive, quick, delicious and nutritious!

Kteeb1 · 02/07/2023 20:34

Do what you feel comfortable with. But be prepared rather if you don't this is likely to be the last house sitting you get from her so decide what's more important to you. The friendship may suffer a bit as well.

firsttimemum1230 · 02/07/2023 20:39

Are you okay OP? I would have to tell her that you don’t want him in your bed because you and your husband find it uncomfortable to let it happen. You can’t let this happen and then come back and cringe and feel awkward about your own space your own bed. Tell her she can more than happily go home the nights he’s wanting to stay? Or something but it’s just a no go. She would surely respect your wishes so she should respect yours x

T1Dmama · 02/07/2023 21:00

It’s your house so you can set whatever boundaries you please!!
I think it’s reasonable to say ‘I’m so sorry but I don’t feel comfortable as we don’t know him!’

Atsocta · 02/07/2023 22:44

Awkward, understand your concerns, but she has asked and I can also understand her not wanting to spend the weekends alone
as she’s doing you a favour I think you should let him stay over with her, unless perhaps you have reasons not to trust him ?

MissingMoominMamma · 02/07/2023 23:13

My sister’s partner stayed at mine when they house/ pet sat. They both had their kids with them. My engagement ring went missing and still hasn’t turned up, 10 years later.

I hope I eventually find it, but it’s a niggle…

Rnh · 03/07/2023 04:29

Do what your comfortable with!

Alpha444 · 03/07/2023 06:34

Seems a little ungrateful which could offend. The choice is that of using your friend's kindness or pay a housesitter whom you don't know at all which would likely cost far more than a full fridge and takeaway anyyway.
As for people saying that they wouldn't want anyone in their bed, I guess they never stay in hotels where hundreds of unknown people will have slept in the bed before them.

Grooveon8 · 03/07/2023 08:43

Aquamarine1029 · 01/07/2023 19:04

I don't see anything "mean" about not wanting her new boyfriend staying in your home, especially sleeping in your bed. If I were you, he would absolutely not be invited.

It's your house, you make the rules.

Buy a cheap mattress and sheets and put your mattress in another room while your away

WoosMama13 · 03/07/2023 09:42

HarpyValley · 01/07/2023 19:32

So have I understood correctly - she could look after your pets from her place by just popping in once or twice a day, but she prefers to stay because you’ve got a bigger place and a garden? So it’s not that you’re demanding she stay there 24/7 and are also saying no to her partner staying; she could see him if she stayed at her own place and just dropped in on your house and pets to check all okay and feed/water etc, but she’s choosing to stay to enjoy the increased space at yours and also wants her bf to join her on weekends?

If I’ve understood correctly, then YANBU at all. She has a choice: bigger house and a garden for two weeks but no partner, or stays at her flat and sees as much of her partner as she wants round visits to yours.

These are my thoughts and questions too.
OP is not being unreasonable as the BF is a stranger and she has every right to know people staying in her house, let alone her bed. Her friend is choosing to stay, but could nip in instead to do what is needed and see her partner outside of that and sleep in her own bed with him.

If it is a good friendship, be honest and say you're not comfortable until you've gotten to know him. Add that in the future you'd be happier agreeing (and make a concious effort to meet him and get to know him). She should understand. It's your family home and you haven't given a flat no. You're stating you want to know him better first. That is perfectly allowed.

dcthatsme · 03/07/2023 10:02

If she's a good friend I think you can't ask her not to bring her boyfriend. Better to ask her not to stay at all or do the bedding thing. I think you risk losing a good friendship by asking her not to bring her boyfriend. That's tantamount to saying you don't trust him, don't like him and she will understandably be upset and offended. I actually think the bedding option is the most practical. If you really don't trust him as opposed to thinking he's smelly then say 'Please I'd rather he didn't stay over with you' but that could open a whole can of worms.

overitunderit · 03/07/2023 10:13

dcthatsme · 03/07/2023 10:02

If she's a good friend I think you can't ask her not to bring her boyfriend. Better to ask her not to stay at all or do the bedding thing. I think you risk losing a good friendship by asking her not to bring her boyfriend. That's tantamount to saying you don't trust him, don't like him and she will understandably be upset and offended. I actually think the bedding option is the most practical. If you really don't trust him as opposed to thinking he's smelly then say 'Please I'd rather he didn't stay over with you' but that could open a whole can of worms.

This

MynameMyname · 03/07/2023 10:28

KajsaKavat · 02/07/2023 18:57

I had a friend ask me but to bring my (then ) new partner to a bbq because they had “quite a few nice things”. We now have 3 children and I will never forgive my friend for assuming would come to their house and steal things.

I assume your no longer friends

Ohhoho · 03/07/2023 10:58

Dept OP I think you and your friend are great. I’m glad it’s sorted and the sofa bed sounds a great solution all round. I am so heartened to read about your caring for the pet rats. I used to work with them at the medical research council. Such sophisticated loving animals. They have short life spans are very intelligent and it’s great to hear of people who care for them. And the dogs will have a good time too.
have a great holiday 👏🤗

TattyOne · 03/07/2023 14:40

It's your house and your rules, explain the situation calmly and in a friendly way and even make a bit of a joke about not wanting him there.
If she's a real 100% genuine friend then she'll be happy to accept your wishes. If she argues about it then she's not a real friend.
Be firm and strong.

overitunderit · 03/07/2023 14:44

I really don't get how many people on MN think "your house your rules" is a legitimate way to live your life. Whilst it is literally true you need to take into account what is morally and socially acceptable and what is the kind and decent thing to do.

bekkistanyer · 03/07/2023 14:44

Think of it from your perspective how would you feel if it was you. I think that's super unreasonable if you can't trust your friend to allow someone decent into the house then I don't think you should be letting her stay at all. She could have just had him around and not said anything so at least she asked.

RGN007 · 03/07/2023 14:47

I'm afraid it could spoil a friendship and quite an offensive response. At least she asked. Maybe you could get to know him a bit in advance?

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