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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I ask friend not to bring her partner round?

281 replies

Biytrer · 01/07/2023 18:54

She's house/pet sitting for me. I mind her pets when she goes away too. I'm leaving her with a full fridge and some spending money for a takeaway etc.

I've a house with big garden and she's in a high rise flat so she does enjoy minding the house.

She has a partner now who I've only met once. She asked if her partner could stay with her the weekends (2)

I felt put on the spot but I really am not wanting this to happen. I barely know the person. We have lots of personal items around the house. I trust my friend completely but I don't know this other person. My husband really isn't happy with them being in our bed (there isn't anywhere else to go)

Is it really bad to ask the person doenst stay over?

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 01/07/2023 20:33

If you say something, it'll ruin your holiday because you'll spend the whole time cringing wondering why you acted like a total twat. Once you are on holiday and chilled you won't care one bit. This is pre holiday anxiety.

Twillow · 01/07/2023 20:35

Absolutely not.
"Sorry, it's a no. I get why you're asking but I really don't feel comfortable with someone I barely know sleeping in my bed! It's not going to be a problem, is it?"

Theoldgreygoose · 01/07/2023 20:39

I think YABU, but then I'm not a typical MNer who thinks everyone they don't know has evil intent.

PoseyFlump · 01/07/2023 20:39

@cinnamonfrenchtoast you might want to read your comments back if you call them civilised. You've said to the OP 'nobody's forcing you' and other such snipey comments, along with 'pissing on chips' etc.

Ohpleeeease · 01/07/2023 20:39

"Sorry, it's a no. I get why you're asking but I really don't feel comfortable with someone I barely know sleeping in my bed! It's not going to be a problem, is it?"

^^ This. Text it if you can’t say it. Something tells me you’ll know if she tries to sneak him in.

EggInANest · 01/07/2023 20:40

“ LOL, are you ok if I say keep your own place as your lurve nest? You know how ADHDish I am and I can’t cope with the idea of xx in my bed “

But at some stage maybe say “It’s tricky isn’t it, but you might not realise how noticeable xx’s personal hygiene is. I am sure it is a result of his MH challenges but it is a bit obvious”

ReachForTheMars · 01/07/2023 20:41

What will you do if she decides not to stay?

If you have no backstop you have no real alternative.

RhubarbandCustardYummyYummy · 01/07/2023 20:41

Why do people on mumsnet struggle with reading OPs. I think so many wilfully misunderstand as justification to get their knickers in a twist sometimes. Surely she can just stay at hers those nights he stays??

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 01/07/2023 20:42

PoseyFlump · 01/07/2023 20:39

@cinnamonfrenchtoast you might want to read your comments back if you call them civilised. You've said to the OP 'nobody's forcing you' and other such snipey comments, along with 'pissing on chips' etc.

Why don't you find someone else to pick at instead of repeatedly coming at me?

I don't recall OP asking for your help Confused so I'm not sure why you've decided it's your business to police the responses she gets and tell people what you think of the way they speak, but each to their own I guess Grin

ReachForTheMars · 01/07/2023 20:43

ReachForTheMars · 01/07/2023 20:41

What will you do if she decides not to stay?

If you have no backstop you have no real alternative.

If its nitnok though you just say "of course!" And then text her a few days later saying you've been offered an amazing deal by a local petsitter and have booked it and feel relieved you dint need to put her out.

Ghosttofu99 · 01/07/2023 20:45

I can understand not wanting to but if the relationship lasts and they get married it would literally be awkward forever as they will always remember that you didn’t trust them without even bothering to meet them.

overitunderit · 01/07/2023 20:46

Yes of course you should let her. It's your mate and her boyfriend. If it was a random house sitter plus boyfriend then maybe not but it's your friend so you should trust her and trust she knows who she is bringing to your house.

Growlybear83 · 01/07/2023 20:52

I completely agree with you,OP. There's no way I would be happy with a friend bringing a new boyfriend round to my house whilst I was away, whether or not he stayed the night. I also wouldn't be particularly happy with someone else sleeping in my bed or in my bedroom come to that, but I don't suppose you've got much alternative.

NomDe · 01/07/2023 20:53

Aquamarine1029 · 01/07/2023 19:48

It wouldn't bother you. Congratulations. It would bother a lot of us, including the op. You are welcome to have as many people as you'd like to fuck in your bed, no one is stopping you.

Show quote history

Well the OP is asking for everyone’s opinion!!

letsgojo · 01/07/2023 20:53

Tell her your husband said no

NomDe · 01/07/2023 20:55

Biytrer · 01/07/2023 19:48

I'm not asking her to be alone?!

She can go out whenever she wants.

Do you think on a normal day someone is with my dogs 24/7?

As long as they're walked and fed she can be where she wants, when she wants, with who she wants.

I just don't want him staying in my bed.

When I mind her animals I Dobt sit there all day alone listening to Lweis Capaldi with tears in my eyes.

I do the necessary jobs and get on with my life.

Its not prison.

Show quote history

A lot of people don’t like their dogs being left alone and would want a pet sitter to leave them for no more than a couple of hours. So it’s not an unreasonable assumption

Original poster
Biytrer · 01/07/2023 20:56

Throwncrumbs · 01/07/2023 20:26

im May be missing the point here…she’s got 8 animals and a dog in a high rise flat….that’s cruel . Say he can come round but no to staying over in your bed.

Sorry but how is it cruel? She has one small dog who has multiple walks per day. And a mischief of 7 rats in a cage that is triple the recommended size.

Even if she had an 8 bed mansion with 5 acres of land the rats would never leave the house (it's not safe for them, they can catch diseases from wild rats) so what difference does it make to them if they're inside an amazing cage with tonnes of toys and stimulating activities in a flat or inside Buckingham Palace?

Struggling to see how that is cruel to them when rats don't leave the house?

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 01/07/2023 20:57

I don’t think you are unreasonable to ask for that but you are unreasonable to expect that she will do it. It’s the problem. Most people will say yes but then will do how it suits them . How do you envisage this? Her BF will come for dinner and then they will go to her house to sleep taking all her 8 animals with them. They simply won’t do this, they will stay at yours.

pristinequeen · 01/07/2023 20:58

Yabu to expect her to not only do you a favour but also spend two weeks alone. If your trust your friend it's shouldn't matter whether or not you trust her boyfriend

overitunderit · 01/07/2023 20:59

@Biytrer you're sort of exaggerating the favour you do for her/number of animals if you say she has 8 animals when actually it's 1 dog and 7 rats. If she had a tank full of tropical fish you wouldn't count each one individually would you 😅

Aquamarine1029 · 01/07/2023 21:02

pristinequeen · 01/07/2023 20:58

Yabu to expect her to not only do you a favour but also spend two weeks alone. If your trust your friend it's shouldn't matter whether or not you trust her boyfriend

How is the op expecting her to spend the entire time "alone?" The friend won't be locked inside the op's house 24/7, FFS. She's free to come and go as much as she pleases. If she wants to shag her filthy boyfriend, she can do so in her own flat.

PoseyFlump · 01/07/2023 21:03

RhubarbandCustardYummyYummy · 01/07/2023 20:41

Why do people on mumsnet struggle with reading OPs. I think so many wilfully misunderstand as justification to get their knickers in a twist sometimes. Surely she can just stay at hers those nights he stays??

Absolutely this. The OP has had a hard time on here for no reason.

Return2thebasic · 01/07/2023 21:04

If she has MH issue, I'm more inclined to find a way to cover underneath your bed and give the house a deep clean afterwards without telling her. There's nothing to gain by being honest with her, but risk making all parties unhappy in the end. That's my view...

Original poster
Biytrer · 01/07/2023 21:07

overitunderit · 01/07/2023 20:59

@Biytrer you're sort of exaggerating the favour you do for her/number of animals if you say she has 8 animals when actually it's 1 dog and 7 rats. If she had a tank full of tropical fish you wouldn't count each one individually would you 😅

Not really. Several of her rats have health issues. There's usually antibiotics to be taken. A few have tumours (very common in rats, especially females) so they have to be checked and cleaned.
. They have outside play inside a playpen twice a day, the pen has to be set up and put away each time.

One of her old girls also has respiratory problems, again very common in rats, so she goes in a nebulising tub for 45 minutes a day.

Plus the dog has 2 good length walks and obviously toilet breaks too.

OP posts:
SayHi · 01/07/2023 21:07

RhubarbandCustardYummyYummy · 01/07/2023 20:41

Why do people on mumsnet struggle with reading OPs. I think so many wilfully misunderstand as justification to get their knickers in a twist sometimes. Surely she can just stay at hers those nights he stays??

That would mean leaving OPs dogs alone at night or having 3 dogs in one small flat.

If I was OP I wouldn’t be happy with either scenario.

There’s nothing stopping the friend seeing him everyday though so she doesn’t have to go without having sex the entire time.