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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DH to nap during the day?

182 replies

3littlebirdz · 01/07/2023 16:38

Example today: DH had to work today between 11 and 3. He had to take photographs at a conference. He is a part time photographer.

I have been looking after two very hyperactive twin boys (3) since 6am. (After a week of working full time)

And he comes home and falls asleep on the sofa. Says "come on 3birdz I have been work all day, just gonna have a power nap for an hour or so". So I'm still solo parenting then .

He naps a lot. Maybe 3 or 4 times a week. Never for longer than an hour
He says I'm being v mean to say that's not OK.

Am I?

OP posts:
Parkandpicnic · 01/07/2023 22:33

BTW I do agree he’s totally out of order for having a go at you for going for a rest!! You deserve an equal amount of rest to him and would perhaps be a lot healthier if you had that. He surely can’t argue against that so need to sit down with him and draw up a plan to make things equal, whether that’s him doing more (on his days off of work particularly tires him out) or getting a cleaner etc

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/07/2023 22:34

Was he always a napper or is this new since the children were born?

Original poster
3littlebirdz · 01/07/2023 22:41

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune napper since the kids have been born. And he's getting older I guess. He says it's normal for "dads to snooze" as his dad does it. He certainly didn't nap when we first met. He was an energetic type.

OP posts:
Saracen · 01/07/2023 22:44

It isn't the napping as such - that's a perfectly reasonable thing for him to do.

But it sounds like he isn't pulling his weight, and that IS a problem. His moan that you are being "transactional" or "petty" is nonsense. If he was doing his share, you'd recognise that, and you wouldn't NEED to demand equal time to yourself.

He sounds like the sort of person who would always pay less than their share of a restaurant bill, then get huffy when their long-suffering friend finally insisted on pulling out the calculator to force them to stump up for all the food they'd ordered.

Original poster
3littlebirdz · 01/07/2023 22:46

I've told him I'm having a lie in tomorrow. Sunday is meant to be my day but he's so slow getting out of bed (lying there for 15/20 mjns after DC wake) and the DC start running round the house causing chaos that somehow I end up awake and telling them to stop jumping on this or that. We shall see how it goes. I'm going to be strong and refuse to get out of bed.

OP posts:
Sigmama · 01/07/2023 22:57

Daytime napping with young kids in the house is a bit shit

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 01/07/2023 23:08

Napping is fine so long as it's not at the expense of the other parent. And his clearly are.

Tomorrow, let him get up. Even if you lay awake in bed and read or something, let him do it. And have a serious talk about leisure time. I have twins (teens now) and two of them at age three is something else. Mine were in full time time nursery and I worked Saturdays - there was a reason for that! People joke about going to work for a rest but it's true isn't it?!

toodlesofoodles · 01/07/2023 23:17

3littlebirdz · 01/07/2023 22:46

I've told him I'm having a lie in tomorrow. Sunday is meant to be my day but he's so slow getting out of bed (lying there for 15/20 mjns after DC wake) and the DC start running round the house causing chaos that somehow I end up awake and telling them to stop jumping on this or that. We shall see how it goes. I'm going to be strong and refuse to get out of bed.

So one day out of 7 you're "allowed" some rest time and he ruins it for you.

He sounds like an arsehole who wants to spend as little time parenting as he possibly can.

Parkandpicnic · 01/07/2023 23:36

3littlebirdz · 01/07/2023 22:46

I've told him I'm having a lie in tomorrow. Sunday is meant to be my day but he's so slow getting out of bed (lying there for 15/20 mjns after DC wake) and the DC start running round the house causing chaos that somehow I end up awake and telling them to stop jumping on this or that. We shall see how it goes. I'm going to be strong and refuse to get out of bed.

Yes definitely stick to your guns and if he’s like that tomorrow then say you need a serious chat with him. Explain you understand he needs rest but you really do also but that he always spoils it and you want to draw up a proper rest/me time schedule for the both of you that he’s also happy with. Only a completely selfish brass would then give themselves double the scheduled rest on paper. If you’ve both agreed to a schedule and know about it well in advance will hopefully help avert any feelings of resentment on both sides

Original poster
3littlebirdz · 02/07/2023 07:09

He is FUMING. Usually DS wake up at 6/6.30am. One of them had a nightmare or something and woke up screaming at 5am. This is very unusual. I went in to try and sooth him and get him back to bed but he wasn't having any of it. DS ran into our room and so I said to DH that he needed to deal with it. He went mad. "Fucking ridiculous" "he should be asleep" "what the actual fuck" but I just went back to bed. DH is so pissed off about it!

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 02/07/2023 07:28

He’s so useless, shitty part-timer.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 02/07/2023 07:42

I dont think it would do any harm to point out to him that you work full time and do the majority around the house and with the kids. Ask him bluntly why he thinks he needs more rest than you. If he says to you again that men need more sleep then remind him that most men work full time. He can't have it both ways. He's either 'traditional' or not. Look op, you need to look out for yourself, no one else will. Not even your dh. Stay in bed! Hes probably going to let the kids raise merry hell to teach you a lesson. Dont fall for it.

bussteward · 02/07/2023 08:47

3littlebirdz · 02/07/2023 07:09

He is FUMING. Usually DS wake up at 6/6.30am. One of them had a nightmare or something and woke up screaming at 5am. This is very unusual. I went in to try and sooth him and get him back to bed but he wasn't having any of it. DS ran into our room and so I said to DH that he needed to deal with it. He went mad. "Fucking ridiculous" "he should be asleep" "what the actual fuck" but I just went back to bed. DH is so pissed off about it!

Does he think his children are robots who once they sleep through that’s it, no more wake ups?

And HE went mad about the early wake when it was YOU who had to deal with it first on your lie-in day? He really thinks children are your job.

Does he contribute to the household tasks after bedtime that stop you sitting down til 9pm?

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 02/07/2023 09:05

He sounds lazy and selfish 🤷‍♀️

It would piss me off as well op.

Original poster
3littlebirdz · 02/07/2023 09:15

@bussteward I don't mind grumpyness at 5am - nobody feels great at 5am (well, most people don't!) - but a) all the swearing etc at me is not ok and also b) he is still in a weird old mood NOW. I hate that - that because I didn't jump out and sort it out there is an atmosphere.

I said to him "I do 6 out of 7 mornings with the boys" and he snapped back "yeah but they don't wake up at fucking 5am usually" - as if it's my fault that he just happened to wake up that early.

I will try to talk to him. He doesn't listen though.

He can be helpful and cheerful too by the way. But is v bad at being tired. Or rather letting me having a rest.

OP posts:
MsRosley · 02/07/2023 09:37

I wouldn't try to talk to him. If my DH behaved like this, punishing me for having to do a perfectly reasonable, he'd get a roasting. Never pander to sulking or moodiness that's designed to make you feel bad.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/07/2023 13:36

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 02/07/2023 09:05

He sounds lazy and selfish 🤷‍♀️

It would piss me off as well op.

He also sounds abusive. He needs an anger management course at the very least.

Why the fuck do men like this have children in the first place? He is damaging those kids every day.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 02/07/2023 13:39

He sounds like a bit of a lm arse if I’m honest. What are his good points?

tennesseewhiskey1 · 02/07/2023 13:39

An*

maybebalancing · 02/07/2023 17:25

He sees you as the default parent.
But you are also the default earner.
You also seem to be the default home runner as well.

What default settings does your DP actually have?

billy1966 · 02/07/2023 17:45

Your relationship bar is on the floor.

He is abusive.

Your poor child being met with anger the ONE time his father gets up to him.

I bet he was scared of that anger.

He is a disgrace.

Your poor child.

How you can tolerate such a lazy waster is beyond me.

Ring Women's aid for support and help to wake up to what is really going on.

DrSbaitso · 02/07/2023 18:16

maybebalancing · 02/07/2023 17:25

He sees you as the default parent.
But you are also the default earner.
You also seem to be the default home runner as well.

What default settings does your DP actually have?

He's just faulty in general.

Merryoldgoat · 02/07/2023 18:29

My 5yo woke for the day at 3am.

I tried to settle him and failed. I was grumpy as I only got to sleep at 1.30 as pain
kept me awake.

DH took over at 4 and sent me to bed.

We’re both knackered.

No swearing. No shouting. It’s just having kids.

Your husband is not very nice.

lieselotte · 02/07/2023 18:40

I'm surprised to read he's generally quite healthy, it's absolutely not normal for any one in their 40s to need to nap 3/4 days a week. What would he do if he had a full time job

It is perfectly normal and people are much healthier when they get the chance to do it. Although an hour is too long - it needs to be about 20 minutes. Or 90 minutes, to go through an entire sleep cycle.

maybebalancing · 02/07/2023 18:58

I think you might be right @DrSbaitso