To not want my DH to nap during the day?

[3littlebirdz]

Example today: DH had to work today between 11 and 3. He had to take photographs at a conference. He is a part time photographer.

I have been looking after two very hyperactive twin boys (3) since 6am. (After a week of working full time)

And he comes home and falls asleep on the sofa. Says "come on 3birdz I have been work all day, just gonna have a power nap for an hour or so". So I'm still solo parenting then .

He naps a lot. Maybe 3 or 4 times a week. Never for longer than an hour
He says I'm being v mean to say that's not OK.

Am I?

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/jun/20/daytime-naps-boost-brain-power-siesta-cognitive-function

A power nap does not go for an hour. 20min. Tops.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-65950168

There is so much research to show the benefits of napping. many scientists think we should all take regular naps

You’re talking down his job every time you mention it. :( that would make me leave this relationship, tbh.

photography, depending on the type, is so physically hard, it’s unreal. It’s SO hard on the body.

can you compromise? Can he help more with mornings?

Mine does the same, then sits doom scrolling. Since DC is older I really do not like it, as it is not a good example. It also disrupts time we could spend as a family actually doing something.

He doesn't need to 'help' with mornings, he need to do his share. Looking after twins is pretty hard work, too!

@Newnamehiwhodis could you quote me the bit when I talk down his job?

I nap, always have, it's not unhealthy. A power nap is 30 minutes max though and I wouldn't do it if my partner had been up since 6:00 with twins! He absolutely should be letting you have some down time tomorrow, it's not "transactional" its fair.

I have some odd feelings about people that nap in the day. It annoys me but I dont know why.

Im aware its common in other countries and that there is research that it could be beneficial, it just seems quite lazy to me.

I dont know how anyone would only sleep for 20 mins?

Stop martyring yourself. Either take equal time to nap or go and do something you want to do and let him take his turn with the children. Who cares if it’s transactional, you are both entitled to some me time.

I wouldn’t be happy with this. If he’s so tired after work he needs to go to bed earlier the night before. Would I be right in thinking he stays up late (when the kids are asleep) and expect to catch up during the day?

If he chooses naps and gym for his downtime, what do you do with yours?

Oh FFS so is working full time and caring for twin toddlers with no time to yourself! Wheres your concern about OPs nap and physical health?

But no, those poor mens working PART TIME. So hard.

I don't think there's anything wrong with him choosing to spend his downtime taking a nap.

But you both need equal downtime, especially with young twins. I would go out when he wakes up and let him do bedtime.

I have some odd feelings about people that nap in the day. It annoys me but I dont know why.

Because you know you want to join but are afraid of judjment

You judge them, that's why.

What's wrong with taking a nap if that's what you want to do?

It seems that it’s not the nap per se that’s the problem, but the inequity in childcare and “time off”. Work out how many hours per weekend you spend solo parenting, and how many he does, and then have a conversation about equalising that. Once you aren’t feeling resentful about carrying the load, you won’t mind what he does with his “spare” time. If he wants to spend it sleeping, that’s on him.

Newsflash for your DH - most relationships, including parenthood, are “transactional”. That’s how we keep things fair.

Let him have his naps but sounds like you need more of a break too, could you drop down a day a week at work?

Yeah, the nap by itself wouldn't be the issue for me. It's the bit where he only started work at 12 and yet you were up at 6 while he had a lie in and a lovely chill out. He's completely taking the piss.

Tomorrow, I assume he will be up with the dc at 6 am and you will surface around 11?

(And yes, at this stage of parenting, it is absolutely transactional. A friend once described her and her dh as being in a very effective job share at that stage!)

He works part time, you work full time. He does fuck all cleaning or house admin, you presumably do all that. He naps and has time to gym, several times a week.

Yeah, I’d be pretty fucking resentful too, to be honest.

I don’t nap but my DH does.

TBH it drives me crazy that he expects the house to be quiet for 2 hours a day at the weekend plus any other days he comes home early in the week.

And then moans if the doorbell wakes him up, or the dog barks, or a pre arranged shopping delivery turns up…

Please don't reduce your earnings and pension to facilitate DP's naps.

YABU
Naps are one of life's simple pleasures.
Have one yourself whilst he looks after kids.

Oh I love an afternoon nap!